I opened my eyes. I looked down. i chopped my legs off today. i started biting my nails and worked my way done to my elbow. i grinded my teeth until they chipped and cracked. i bit my tongue and started choking on the blood as it clotted in my throat. i held my breath until i passed out on my face, breaking my nose, my jaw. i woke in a puddle of blood and vomit where i began choking. my face turned purple and my lips blue. i was stark and pale.bodily excretions and excrements covered me. I turned over to lay on my back and gasped for air. i pulled out a cigarette and held it between my cracked bloody lips. i lit it and inhaled. Fire. Burning. Pain. Shooting down my throat where it burned my lungs like brimstone. my gums, now even more agitated, began spewing all the more blood. It seeped slowly into my throat. i violently convulsed in a coughing fit. it rained blood. i put my hand into my pocket and pulled out a fist of razors. i began cutting my forhead. etching. deep. blood ran into my eyes.
i opened my eyes wider. im ok. i grasped the toilet seat with one hand and using the last bit of fleeting energy and strength, lifted myself and sat up. i slammed my head backwards in frustration. My skull cracked against the tile. electric pain overcame the numbness and my world was black. i could hear dripping. i was soaked. in blood. the last bit of life i retained was running into the toilet, already filled with shit and piss.
you think you have it bad.
i tried opening my eyes. my world was black. i was delusional. with index and forefinger i plunged into my eyesocket securing a firm grip on my eye. i pulled hard, against everything that told me not to. i heard a tear and a pop. and i pulled harder. with ease like unraveling a sweater i continued to pull until every vein and artery were disconnected. i felt warmth run down my face, my chin. down my body.
This is hell.
life is one big ball of wreckless hairy twisted rolling shit.
life is a beautiful flowing sweet happy rolling breeze.
they both seem true.
Today i expended energy. I was constructive in a physical sense. I was lacking in building up my mental and spiritual departments. Why does this bother me? my head feels burnt.
marvelous. simply marvelous. i have indigestion of the heart. its rather uncomfortable. Im working towards a groove of happiness. i can almost taste its richness. i went out tonight. against my will. i went to a local bar. i had a few beers. i saw some people that made me smile. wretched cigarettes. its a habit that im still hunting. i thought i killed it.
i hate over analyzing. its pointless when you arent documenting your finds and logic. i feel useless when i sit there and analyze. alot of good it does me. i forget it within a few days and so i repeat the process. taking it in.i deduct some logical assumptions. every now and then something monumental strikes me. i call them epiphanies. no longer do i sit around and wait for something to motivate me. i motivate myself through an altered train of thought. its a good thing. is that something you wait for? do you decide to have an epiphany? do you consciously realize that you in fact could change for the better? i suppose i wait for enough courage to test it out… rather than thinking through every possible scenario aka analyze somemore. anyway. rambling.
My lovly locks are no longer with me. ive been cut down to a few meer inches of bristle. whatev.
tomorrow i have a few chores to do… then the BEACH! yay.
i am totally warped. i spent the past week in jersey. visiting old friends and rehashing old habits. Im totally over old habits. im sick to the stomach right now. i cannot stand anymore sickening monotany. i need some change in my head. im on this endless search for a pool that never wakes or trembles. i need everlasting tranquility in my head. im tired of cluttered space. i cant think straight. i dont wanna be someone im not. and im tired of trying not to be offensive… or overly considerate to people. i need to just worry about being myself. ugh. i sat in the airport terminal for six hours today. i watched people and wrote in my journal. the people really made me think about where everyone was going. why. when. why. how. i pretended like i knew them and a fewtimes struck conversation. alot of people. alot of perspectives. alot of realities. when i was all alone at the baggage claim, after everyone had deserted the area, i opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. the drafty terminal was deathly quiet. after abotu two hours of being all alone… except for the incessant rapping of my thoughts.. i decided to explore. upon passing some automatic sliding glass doors a chime sounded, followed by a pleasant voice “Hey! You look handsome today!” i paused midstride. wtf. i leaned back and listened again, not moving. a while later “Has anyone told you how great you look today!?”… backpack and luggage in hand, i stood there and soaked up about ten minutes worth of automated feel good responses. the airport actually has these.
whats this world coming to? we apparently dont hear it enough.. and its so necessary to our wellbeing and happiness that we’ve installed them in probably the most unhappiest places of all.
cool. collected. creative. smart. calm. comfortable.
my sleep patterns have degraded the past week.. as well as my eating patterns.
i havent shaven in about a week.
go to bed.
Monday, July 24, 2006
stuck in New Jersey
agh. i missed my flight. and i had to spend twice as much for another ticket. damn spirit and its shitty non-refundable cabin coach class tickets.
i decided i dont really like drinking at all. so i weigh the pro’s and con’s of drinking. pro’s: it loosens me up, i get very happy. con’s: hangovers.. which include extreme dehydration, nasuea, vomiting, poor sleep, headaches and other physical aching etc., plus its just bad for your body. bottomline is i should just be happy and be sober. alright. im not gonna be a bitch. i enjoy beer and alcohol a whole lot. but waking up half retarded is not my idea of a good time. anyway.
i went to the improv in cityplace last night. it was HILARIOUS. whats this guys name… jake something… (www.jakethis.com).. he was a riot. i had too much to drink there. damn long islands kick the hell outta ya. i remember my card didnt accept when i tried paying the bill.. which really really pissed me off. i had to barrow money from a friend and although its not that big of deal i hate barrowing crap. so anyway. who knows why it didnt go through. i immediately checked to see if i had money in my account and it was plenty full. whatever.
i woke up at like 630 this morning feeling like i was raped and beaten. 4 hours of sleep is not enough for me… or anyone. and then going to work. ugh. alright. so im gonna take a nap today. its beautiful out. i should chill at the pool. or beach. beach. waves. hm.
im going to new jersey for five days next week. i leave tuesday get home saturday. im super pumped. ill be staying with my bro jeff at his shorehouse. HOLLA.
Act AS IF. the law of attraction. whatever fills your mind you will attract it. you know. vibrations and what not? like… positive thinking. if you think positivly all the time… how can negetive things happen to you? they cant. if you send out good vibes you’ll get good vibes in return. Act as if you got it together and you will have it together. i know its a little deeper than that but ive been thinking alot about that stuff lately and its good things for people who want to succeed to dwell on.
im so tired right now. im gonna nap.
i piss myself off. i dont like drifting through life. i like having a drive. i like having motives. i like creating and energizing. whenever i find myself drifting i really get down.
recently i realized i dont have a dream. my dads this motivational slash consultantant slash businessman slash a bunch of crap. anyway. he’s all about knowing what to do and doing it right. so ive recently become receptive to his methods seeing he’s always got where he wants to be and seeing how i never really get to where i wanna be i thought id be a good bit of sense to take his. anyway
we sat down and he started talking to me. and basically we were trying to figure out what i really want to live for, what my dreams are. what keeps me waking up, the thing that keeps me motivated and passionate. and for the damned of me i couldnt figure out what the hell my dreams were. i mean. what the fuck do i wanna do with myself. am i retarded. mike. what the F do you want from this life. i wanna help people. i wanna perfect my character to flawless…. and wait. as im saying these things i realize im afraid to say dreams that pop into my head. i have these fears that keep me from exploring the possibility of other dreams unexplored. i suppose i feel like im not qualified to have those dreams. maybe they arent something that people might approve of as being realistic. maybe i consider them unreal and they might change over night. ill tell you what. ive had this thing for writing. ive always wanted to be a writer. why? i suppose its an amazing tool that allows you to ultimately express oneself. hm. i dunno. maybe im catching on to something. ugh. what
alright. this dream thing is gonna take me awhile to really unearth.
so like. the past week. lemme tell ya. its been pretty outta control. i mean. pretty outta control. ive really been loose on the whole drinking thing. most people (it seems to me anyway) dont think its a huge thing to drink five days in a row. i mean. the sound of it sorta makes you wanna judge. but then again most people do this and dont take the time to realize it. anyway anyway. i dont like the fact that ive been drinking so much. ive been able to go to the gym despite this little detail, but ive noticed that my training progress has suffered as a result. im not making the gains i expected the last week. hm.
ive really excommunicated myself from alot of people. ive become pretty picky as to whom i hang out. i guess for alot of reasons. but who knows. maybe i dont want to be influenced. maybe i just wanna pretect myself. maybe i would like to maintain my comfort level. i dunno. sometimes i consciously wanna lose my mind. ive done it so many times before. literally just given up on everything. myself people jobs school… and just reset my mind and become infatuated with rewriting my head with a routine and a mindset that allows me to express myself to the utmost farout creative level.
i really havent been feeling that great. its not that ive been feeling bad… im just going through the motions ive established for myself. i set up a routine for myself and now im just existing, constantly reminding myself that routine and discipline will teach me valuable lessons. but for some reason im beginning to doubt this train of thought and its very gloomy. i now find myself sort of lost and helpless. nevertheless i’ll remain sane and continue to seek alternative methods of satisfying my inner hunger for more. i need to regurgitate some verve in my life. id like to start thinking a bit more in depth and maybe a bit more abstractly once again. i abandoned that thinking awhile ago because no matter how soothing it was at the time to voice these revelations and discoveries, it made my life cluttered and too detailed to the point where i would begun questioning every thought and analyzing every detail. this made me a bit anxious. and my goal is life is to be anxiety free. that shit sucks. poop.