Month: September 2009

I love it when my mind works.

It’s not entirely too often.

I often create structured routines for myself to help minimize unnecessary actions. I am wary about certain thoughts that trigger intense episodes of distraction. When I’m on point, however, I am machine when it comes to work and getting things done. Things ‘click’ and life doesn’t require so much effort. Love it. *cheers*

Night!

I like when people like me. It’s a turn on. I’m sure everyone feels this way. And maybe I need to clarify… I am not necessarily talking adulation, but rather admiration or wonder. ha. How narcissistic!

I’m reading ‘Civilization and Its Discontents’ by Freud. My goodness do I love his analysis. It speaks right to me. Its not sugarcoated, just straight to the heart of the matter. I mean, he obviously has his biases for and against some issues, and these become an apparent theme, but all around he does a wonderful job remaining pretty objective about some polarizing issues.

lalala.

On another note. Its 2am. I am on question 1 of 10 on my prelab. I have class at 910am! boo. I have so much reading to catch up on its ridiculous. I just read all the work I was behind on today… but never got around to getting to the stuff I was suppose to read. Soo… I’m still behind!

Poo-bear.

There is a beautiful girl my political science class. I would love to talk to her… not just cause I think she’s pretty… but because she seems so approachable. BUT… I fail to care. Is this the reason? or is it that i might get shot down? I’ve thought of this… its not that I’ll get shot down… cause I really wouldn’t approach her with the attitude that I had any interest other than getting to know her… and who doesn’t like people who are interested in them? I mean as long as they aren’t being a creepo. Girls and guys alike know who these are. They hold eye contact for just a tad too long… they smile when its not really appropriate yet. They close in on you outta no where. And more than anything… they just don’t contribute to your overall well being. You’re too distracted by their awkward uncomfortable behavior. Anyway..

This girl. Truth is, and I’ve thought about it, I don’t have a good enough reason to talk to her. Even if I did, I wouldn’t care to put the energy into her. I would, more than likely, want her to do all the work. I need to add that I have talked to this girl before, and we hit it off great, in a casual friendly way, but I wasn’t so captivated that I felt the need for a second encounter in the near future.

I guess I’m hoping that the next time I’m talking to her the chemistry will ignite and it’ll be an effortless and rejuvenating experience. Until then, I have no desire to conjure the energy to give myself a reason to talk to her. One day maybe. Academics is first. Then clubs. Then food. Then sleep. In that order. Soon work will be in there… near the top.

Gosh.. 205am. I should get to work… tomorrow I have class from 910am till 5pm.

booo!

Freud describes the oceanic feeling that is taken to be the basis of religiosity as “a feeling…of being indissolubly bound up with and belonging to the whole of the world outside oneself,” (4). What do you think about Freud’s account of the religious, both here and in chapter II? How would you characterize religious experience?

Firstly, I thought the first two chapters were absolutely amazing. Freud has a talent for communicating ideas. Here is an abridged summary of my thoughts…

In regards to the ‘Oceanic feeling’, I thought Freud’s account was incredibly original.

I thought it was ingenious how he went about explaining how people might have these feelings ‘of being indissolubly bound up with and belonging to the whole of the world outside oneself’. He starts off recalling the abstractions that he named the id and the ego that were a result of man differentiating his external world from the internal world. Freud noted that in mans infantile stages of development there was no distinguishable difference from the the outside objective world and the conscious self. Only through ‘responses to various promptings’ does a infant develop to differentiate between self (ego) and these sensations. Over time one develops definitive lines of demarcation between the self and the outside world. He gave examples of babies developing this as a result of response and reward, and learning to differentiate responses generating pleasure and pain. He then went on about the regression of memories, analogizing them to the evolution of ancient to modern cities. It was important to point out how necessary the deconstruction of old memories was to the formation of new memories, and how their remnants may never completely disappear, but still serve as certain foundations.

This said, he begins to explain these religious feelings of being connect to something bigger by first claiming that love is one of the ways that this line of demarcation blurs. How love invokes feelings of oneness with another person buy ‘blurring’ the boundary’s between self and the object.

From here he describes how these ‘oceanic feelings’ may be some of the original feelings we as humans ever experienced in infantile. Before we managed to develop and define this ego of ours, a world existed where our self and the outside world were one in the same. The mass sensations outside ourselves were indistinguishable from anything we thought or did. Hence the quote “We cannot fall out of this world” perfectly relates to the origins of these oceanic feelings of oneness. The religious oneness we experience is simply residue from original memories as an infant experiencing sensations and self for the first time. This is what Freud, more elegantly stated, explained as a cause for these oceanic feelings.

He also addressed this idea of having a purpose and that without one, life would lose all value . He questions in return: who said there needs to be a purpose? What of animals and their purpose? And the ones who have no service to humans, what them? He proposes that this idea of purpose was a self serving product of religion. He directs these questions to ‘less ambitious’ inquiry: what can be derived from the behavior and intention of their lives. His answer is happiness. More clearly defined, the drive for more pleasure and less pain. He then suggests answers that explain the motives and reasons behind certain behaviors and psycho-mechanisms.

Is Freud correct? I do not know. Is he compelling? Surely, for me anyway. Is there more to the story here? Undoubtedly. I believe Freud critically challenges some crucial paradigms. His assertions are not entirely outdated.

As a recovering believer in religion, I can say that the religious experience, for me, was characterized by illusions, very similar to how Freud described religion as a collective mass delusion of mankind (33). “The religions of mankind must be classed among the mass-delusions of this kind. No one, needless to say, who shares a delusion ever recognizes it as such.” These illusions are created to bridge the gap in understanding. I believe that these gaps are sometimes a result of emotional trauma caused by life’s unpredictability, or expectations that were unrealistically adjusted to certain outcomes. Religion assuages these gaps, provides filler and comfort for answers.

Initially it was characterized by a feeling of oneness with god. I was told that a ‘relationship’ needed to be cultivated in order to preserve an ongoing oneness. Despite my efforts, my ‘feelings’ never produced these results. I understand why Freud mentions love as a mechanism that triggers this oneness. It makes sense its so prevalent in so many religious. A god that loves you is a god you can love, thus providing a more inviting doorway to embrace the religious experience.

I have an interview in an hour. Its at the Vanderbilt University Evidence-based Practice Center. I’ll be applying as a work study student… being an office bitch probably. Don’t care though… I’m broke and I need some dough. This job will definitely suck a good portion of the time I would otherwise use studying. 10-15 hours a week. I hope I get the job.

I’m sorta in a dilemma. I was gonna wear a shirt and a tie… but my shirt has these horrid brown stains along the front. So no go there. This is the only shirt compatible with my only tie. So I’ve decided to skip the tie, and wear a blazer. I don’t think you can over dress for an interview. I hope not anyway.

I’m reading Civilization and Its discontents by Freud. Great book so far.

I deactivated my facebook account. I’m fasting from all social networking activities… except from journaling ofcourse. My attention is sought by so many mediums that it has become impossible to prioritize whats important. Clearly facebook isn’t. And yet it commands too many minutes or hours of my day.

I just received an e-mail from my father. My uncle’s coworker had a son who was battling the swine flu. His name was Matthew Healy. After three weeks he passed away yesterday. From the swine flu.

I just found out my paper is due at midnight tonight, not yesterday. Since it only has three pages, short two, I will add to it tonight and resubmit it. Not the classiest way a student should behave, I know.

The library. It’s fluorescent lights paint the walls and tabletops with a pale sheen of white. A girl sits a few feet from me, sunk comfortably into a red love seat. She reads a handful of papers, flipping the page every so often. The sound of the turning papges cuts through the silence. Just then the elevator bings, twice. A lady bustles out with her leather messenger bag in one hand and a stack of books in the other. Her gray sweater hangs low on her shoulders, indicating her exhaustion. Dark rimmed glasses sit low on her nose. The messy pony tail alludes to her hard work.
Toilets flush. The sewage runs through the pipes overhead, trickling around corners.

A metallic taste lingers in my mouth.

I need to work now.

Me right now. I feel a touch overwhelmed.

Life is before me. I don’t feel like I’m living. I feel trapped and smothered by my own hand. All these feelings are self induced.

My air conditioning unit is humming in the background. I hear the faint electric buzz of my sun lamp. At 4:30am the 1300 lumens illuminating the room are the only thing keeping me awake. The room is stuffy, but chilly. My toes poke out from under my covers at the foot of the bed. They are cold and tight. My mind thinks ahead. Tomorrow is Monday. Many classes await me. A 9:10am Philosophy class. I never thought I would dread that class. I have a paper due. My mind refuses to cooperate. Why must I think of my mind like an uncontrollable chimera? I have tamed it. At the moment I have let it run free for too long. It has grown wild.

I am an adult. Adults make responsible decisions. If only these decisions were apparent and obvious every moment of my life. I remember when I began wrestling with their consequences for the first time. I thought they were all but conquered, yet three years later here I am. I am not sure why I’m acting like all hope is lost.

Responsibility bears a heavy burden. Its a yoke around my shoulders, weighing me down. I wonder why my heart is constantly constricted by this invisible writhe.

Not too long ago I believed you were your thoughts. I’m not sure where these thoughts disappeared to. Whether I dropped them, or took my eye off them I am not sure. It is more than possible that I have got myself believing in something more damning and more influential nowadays. I wonder what it is? What are you afraid of?

You are your thoughts. Simply and powerfully. So elegant, so empowering. Whatever thoughts you succumb to, you become. When you succumb to the worlds opinion, you become to embody their opinion.

Our thoughts, are us. No one makes us more or less. We decide. Every thought we allow to inch into our minds, is a thought we are one step closer to embodying. Imagine a you without your thoughts. Imagine a world without your thoughts. Imagine a world beyond your thoughts. If this seems impossible, it is. All that you are, all that you will ever be, rests between your ears. That world must contain more force and more power than the minds impressing their world upon you. Right and wrong, good or bad, beauty and ugliness. However objective these concepts may seem to me now, I am assured that I ultimately decide their being so. Collectively man has been wrong before, he will be wrong again. I should be wary to lend them so much of my trust.

Stand convicted that your zealous pursuit for truth has led you to exactly what you see today. If you have not pursued, stand convicted that you are a product of what others want you to see today.

This path should cause me to wake from my trance.

The following is the shitty paper I’m writing. I’m stuck… its suppose to be five pages but I’ve run out of interesting things to say on the topic of knowledge vs. correct opinion. FML.

Plato’s Meno acts as an important dialogue that illuminates our understanding of Socrates as a philosopher. With a reputation of the wisest man alive, Socrates continually asserted that his only wisdom was that he knew nothing. The dialogue taking place between Socrates and an aristocratic orator named Meno involves whether virtue can be taught, or whether it is something naturally innate in man. A pivotal point in the dialogue is reached when they try to determine if virtue is knowledge, or correct opinion. As one who claims to know nothing, Socrates goes out of his way to say there is a difference between right opinion and knowledge.

According to Socrates, correct opinion is something that is recollected and innate within people. As a demonstration of this recollection he gives Meno’s slave a geometry lesson. After an unsuccessful attempt to rely on his own opinion, the slave, with no formal education, was able to arrive at a correct opinion of the answer through the aid of Socrates questions. Socrates initially claims that “true opinion is in no way a worse guide for correct action than knowledge”. However, correct or true opinion does not require any reason why it is right, only that it is accurate. It only provides fleeting answers for right action and thought. Socrates compared correct opinion to that of runaway slaves. Because they are not tied down, they do not remain long. As long as they remain they serve their function, but as soon as they escape the man’s mind, they are not of much value. According to Socrates, these correct opinions are useless unless they are reinforced through repetition and anchored within the mind through experience (85). This is because knowledge retains justification, while opinion does not. In order to have knowledge, you must know why it is true and be able to relate it to experience.

After his demonstration with the slave boy to prove that correct opinion is within everyone, he immediately refutes that virtue is innate like correct opinion. He gives an example that if people were innately virtuous they would be rounded up and sold like slaves (89). In the end, Socrates asserts that knowledge can be taught, but that there are no teachers of virtue, so knowledge must not be virtue. As readers we are left in a puzzled.

When examining this dialog what struck me was the definitive distinction Socrates made between correct opinion and knowledge. As I read the passage it became obvious in why this was an important distinction. According to Socrates, virtue is a form, as described in the particular versus universal conversation with Meno (72). By examining a multitude of objects containing that form one is able to understand more fully that nature of the form. Correct opinion does not offer this inquiry to forms. Only knowledge does.

These passages regarding knowledge must have been important to Socrates for this reason alone. Critical opinion, while accurate and true, is only as good as long as it is correct and in your possession. Socrates stresses that these correct opinions are indeed fleeting. They are no good to a person if they are not tied down. Furthermore, correct opinion cannot explain itself. It has no means to reference itself. It is singular and stands alone. Knowledge, on the other hand, knows where it stands and is backed by logic and experience. However, as Socrates pointed out, all knowledge began as correct opinion that is repeated and reinforced through experience.

Perhaps what Plato intended to illustrate with this dialogue was the process of arriving at knowledge. To Plato, there was no higher form of truth than forms. These forms represented a quality that transcended the material world by imbuing a universal and recognizable essence in the most unrelated objects. Using Socrates, Plato’s intention was to show the necessary process that brought man from a state of recollecting correct opinions, to a place of knowledge.

I’m under the impression that most students that go to a school like vanderbilt are sheltered creatures with little life experience outside their highschool classrooms and after school activites. i imagine most of them led relatively secluded lives with relatively few friends in highschool (gross generalization). they excel in their studies because, well, they have nothing else to do. they probably went to school, went to sports practice or instrumental lessons, came home to study, flipped on their favorite tv series, and went to bed only to repeat the next day. I mean, I really can’t imagine these kids leading spectacularly fascinating lives. Not by my standards anyway.

I meet students that have never had alcohol. Who’ve never had sex. Who’ve never smoked weed, or seen it… or any drug for that matter (I am not saying these things are fascinating… I will say that people with these experiences tend to have extra baggage… which is fascinating to some degree). A few have traveled with their youth groups… others with their families to exotic locations in the pacific or classy european or Mediterranean destinations. god. I feel so soiled around them. I feel guilty for not getting more excited about getting drunk at midnight… or hooking up with random girls… or hitting up exciting parties. I am always on the fence about whether these activities should excite me nowadays. I just think about my youth and the frenzy of social blitzes involving sex drugs and alcohol. i mean… words can’t really describe the amount of bacchanal activities I packed into three years of high school and two years floating around afterwards. and you know… its not even the parties and girls and illegal mischief. It includes the simple dating scenes. The relationships. The crazy girls, the hippy girls, the clingy girls, the dreamy girls, the booty calls, the clubs, the road trips, working full time, slinging, etc etc.

I dunno.

i feel like a terd.

I used to thing being a gentleman and cordial and chivalrous were qualities to be admired. In our society these are archaic virtues that are foreign to most people. No one knows how to react to these qualities of being. The reason? I feel as if our society is conditioned to respond to things that provoke. Admiration is a passive and therefore lesser approach to honorable things.

Randomness.

So.. life update.

Last week was hellishly busy. This week seems to be just as overwhelming. i’m trying not to get myself flustered by all the work. I keep telling myself ‘i can do it’ and when I believe that, it all seems manageable. I had two exams last week, as well as two papers due. I also attended a policy debate tournament this weekend at Georgia state, compounding the time pressures.

So the tournament. I was basically thrown into this thing with no clue as to how to debate or what the nature of the debate was on. Now I’m a little more aware of the rules, making it much easier to comprehend what exactly it involves. So the resolve, or topic, this year: (2009-2010) Resolved: The United States Federal Government should substantially reduce the size of its nuclear weapons arsenal, and/or substantially reduce and restrict the role and/or missions of its nuclear weapons arsenal.

So anyway. On saturday my partner and I went 3-1. On Sunday we were 0-2. Boo. It was a good experience. Liberty university really pissed me off. The novice division is composed of all first year debaters with little or no experience whatsoever. For most schools, this weekends tournament was their first glimpse at debate. For the Liberty students, they’ve not only had a pre-camp two weeks before school started, but they sat out a whole year watching debates before they entered into the novice division. So they were good. Christian cheaters. Damn them.

It was fun. The workload that piled up pretty much killed me though. I emailed an ethics paper to my professor on Sat… it was pretty shitty. Damn. Good ideas, poorly edited. Who knows what I’ll get. I know next time to prepare way in advance for these tournaments.

********

So recently I’ve been feeling neutral. i hate to confess that i’m unmotivated, because I hate giving into those kind of thoughts. I just feel directionless. My classes are tough, the work load is intense, and no matter what I do I feel like getting ahead is always out of reach.

Additionally, I feel emotionally detached. My motivation for developing relationships with people has faded to nil. I feel like my efforts are futile, or unnecessary. What a shitty way to think.

I’m thinking that there is a direct cause and effect correlation between being physically active, and my mood/mental state. Actually, this is a fact. But when I don’t workout, I always debate the degree that working out actually helps. I should definitely work out. Time is the excuse. And location. The gym is 1 mile away. Usually I run there, but when you’re pressed to find a free hour between class, extracurriculars, and studying, working out isn’t a viable option on the list of priorities. Lately, my attention levels have been dropping dramatically. The more work, the more on my mind and the less focused I become which produces a degradation in quality thought. Writing papers makes this most evident. When coherency and the logical procession of ideas are necessary to explain or articulate the understanding of a concept, distractions make this task impossible. I could be making all this up in my head… in fact… i probably am.

What else… I dunno. I’ll write more later.

Alright… I have a lot of writing to do… as well as studying of tomorrow’s exam and finish a pre-lab, but I need to get this out.

I have decided to begin on a project. This project involves me living in Bangladesh for 2-3 years after I graduate from college to build a school or a community education center. Until then I will begin working on raising money for this venture. I talked with my old room mate and best friend and he is on board.

I have been incredibly blessed as a person to live in an incredibly blessed nation filled with opportunities for anyone willing to take advantage of them. I want to share this with people who are far less fortunate and gain a new perspective to the jaded one I’ve been socialized to have.

My plan is simple… but I have grand ideas for it. I need to examine the needs of the of the country. I know they are poor, averaging roughly $1400 per capital in 2006. they have roughly 150 million people living in an area the state of Iowa.

New idea. Basically- graduate from college, move to Bangladesh, do humanitarian work. Ideally I would like to raise money to build some kind of school or community education center focused on supporting the education of the Bengali people. I could possibly teach, or maybe help with micro-financing people to start their own businesses. These are all ideas I need to figure out.

Fortunately my mother and sister are going to Bangladesh in a month or so so they will be able to ask a lot of my questions for me and provide much needed insight into this project.

I will be raising money through the donations of companies and private donors. For additional guidance about how to approach this project I’ll consult my economic professors as well as my academic advisers.

I think this project will be an amazing experience to develop. The next three years allows plenty of time for preparation, organization, and planning. It will give me something to look forward to. Lastly, this who project will give me something to write about as I apply to Law School in the distant future. Anyway…

Soo much to say on that topic. I’ll update as I continue to develop it.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. – Peter OToole

I oppose Social Constructionism.

The most difficult task in life is choosing your goals. Once decided, you can go on living as you had before, only with a purpose to your actions.

Ramble
I need to get this shit outta me. I am losing my mind because I fail to take life seriously. I am so serious about life, that I think it is absurd. I am terrified to take a position. It is seriously debilitating. None of this makes sense.

I have a feeling that I am mistaking feelings for thoughts… and I realllly hate feelings. I think they are dishonest, fickle, and short lived. But they are so necessary, damnit. (“reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions”-Hume) I can’t decide which feelings I want at any given moment, so I remain emotionally void. I fabricate them when its socially appropriate, otherwise I remain a vapid vessel of incoherent thoughts.

Procrastination
School is great. I hate procrastinating. Why? Well, I’m sure the answer is obvious. I feel so horrible when I put off work. But, when I force myself to take care of what needs to be done, I actually enjoy it. I mean, what the fuck is my problem. I am procrastinating doing things I fucking enjoy. wow. Its not even like I don’t like it, cause i do. I think it has something to do with me desiring to be a perfectionist, which is unattainable and it leaves me feeling less than adequate and I run from those feelings.

Bacchanal
So anyway. I went out this weekend. Friday, moseyed about around a frat party… GIJOES… probably like 500 people, easily. Didn’t get lucky, not that I was trying to. My other little friends seem to base a nights success on how many chicks you hooked up with (which is gross) and if you brought anyone back to your room (also pretty gross). So anyway… apparently that was an unsuccessful night. I just walked around that party feeling pretentious as fuck… mostly cause I am 23 and I’ve done all the hooking up and fucking and I really am over it. The kids get so excited to drown themselves in beer to fuel their enthusiasm for more foolish behavior… all to pick up girls and take them home and have no recollection… only to do it all over again. For most of these kids, who are mostly nerds that came from money, partying is a relatively new experience. Especially the private school ones. Unfortunate part for me is I’ve been at the party scene since my early highschool years (I even raged pretty hard in eighth grade). For God’s sake, I dropped outta school I partied so often. If partying got you into college I woulda graduated early with honors. ANYWAY…

I walked around Friday nights party pretty depressed… cause the guys were idiots… chugging beers and dunking themselves in cold water… and the girls were idiot whores who showed up to get laid or hook up with some guy that appeared to have the most friends or pulled the smoothest one liner on them. If you didn’t fall into one of these two categories, you just didn’t belong. So I was that dude, quietly sipping on brew, looking for relatively sober girls to engage in conversation with… I wasn’t too successful.

Anyway.

Bacchanal continued
I woke up Saturday and went to a frat tailgate party across from the Stadium… didn’t get drunk… sorta continued my gawking activities by myself. Vandy beat Western Carolina in a 45-0 shutout… first time in 10 years… woot. The game was awesome, full of energy and spirit. Damn student spirit killed me though… they stood the whole game, which means that you have to stand if you wanna see the game… which sucks after the first quarter and is only bearable the first half. Afterwards I went back to my room… almost ready to pass out… when some chick saw me in my bed, called me and made fun of me for being a party pooper. I was like… damnit. So my friend comes in with Vodka and a smile on his face and explains that there are hot chicks upstairs that need our glorious presence in order to properly pregame. Fuck. So I get a shower and take lots of shots… almost regretted those… and went to Beta’s white and black party. I was pretty tipsy when I got there. They had a Michael Jackson cover band ‘who’s bad’. It was pretty good. All I know is that my friend brought this freshman girl… and she was dancing all over my friend… while simultaneously attempting to grab my crotch from behind. Doubt he knows since he was almost blacked out. He ended up taking her home and bagging her…after he puked all over the bathrooms… but anyway. She was obviously obliterated… an obvious sign when you can’t stand up straight. So I danced to Michael Jackson wannabe guy’s music, and some chick started grinding all over me… it was nice. Then she started making out with me. Nice, until she disappeared. Then it occurred that I got played, by a sloppy freshman who’s randomly hooking up with douchebags. And i was probably one of them.

On my way home I strolled into Quizno’s and ordered a bunch of food that I garbled up when I got back to my room… most of it was uneaten and strewn across my desk. Foolishness.

Deliberation

And now, I just finished my Macroecon and Geology reading, and I need to work on my Aristotle and Socrates response for our Philosophy discussion board:

Aristotle says, “Presumably, then, we must begin with things known to us. Hence any one who is to listen intelligently to lectures about what is noble and just, and generally, about the subjects of political science must have been brought up in good habits. For the fact is the starting-point, and if this is sufficiently plain to him, he will not at the start need the reason as well; and the man who has been well brought up has or can easily get startingpoints. ”

Socrates claimed to be the wisest man in Athens because he knew he was ignorant. One way of reading this is that he knew he had no starting points to build his arguments from.

Here, on the other hand, Aristotle seems to be saying that our foundational principles are easy to get and can be acquired by proper education. It seems that Socrates would disagree. What do you think? Why?

…………………………..since its 200am…I suppose I’ll get started now.

In the conclusion of his trial, Socrates states: “a good man cannot be harmed either in life or in death, and that his affairs are not neglected by the gods” (Apology, 42).

A good man cannot be harmed…

For or Against? Please respond…