I need to get this shit outta me. I am losing my mind because I fail to take life seriously. I am so serious about life, that I think it is absurd. I am terrified to take a position. It is seriously debilitating. None of this makes sense.
I have a feeling that I am mistaking feelings for thoughts… and I realllly hate feelings. I think they are dishonest, fickle, and short lived. But they are so necessary, damnit. (“reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions”-Hume) I can’t decide which feelings I want at any given moment, so I remain emotionally void. I fabricate them when its socially appropriate, otherwise I remain a vapid vessel of incoherent thoughts.
School is great. I hate procrastinating. Why? Well, I’m sure the answer is obvious. I feel so horrible when I put off work. But, when I force myself to take care of what needs to be done, I actually enjoy it. I mean, what the fuck is my problem. I am procrastinating doing things I fucking enjoy. wow. Its not even like I don’t like it, cause i do. I think it has something to do with me desiring to be a perfectionist, which is unattainable and it leaves me feeling less than adequate and I run from those feelings.
So anyway. I went out this weekend. Friday, moseyed about around a frat party… GIJOES… probably like 500 people, easily. Didn’t get lucky, not that I was trying to. My other little friends seem to base a nights success on how many chicks you hooked up with (which is gross) and if you brought anyone back to your room (also pretty gross). So anyway… apparently that was an unsuccessful night. I just walked around that party feeling pretentious as fuck… mostly cause I am 23 and I’ve done all the hooking up and fucking and I really am over it. The kids get so excited to drown themselves in beer to fuel their enthusiasm for more foolish behavior… all to pick up girls and take them home and have no recollection… only to do it all over again. For most of these kids, who are mostly nerds that came from money, partying is a relatively new experience. Especially the private school ones. Unfortunate part for me is I’ve been at the party scene since my early highschool years (I even raged pretty hard in eighth grade). For God’s sake, I dropped outta school I partied so often. If partying got you into college I woulda graduated early with honors. ANYWAY…
I walked around Friday nights party pretty depressed… cause the guys were idiots… chugging beers and dunking themselves in cold water… and the girls were idiot whores who showed up to get laid or hook up with some guy that appeared to have the most friends or pulled the smoothest one liner on them. If you didn’t fall into one of these two categories, you just didn’t belong. So I was that dude, quietly sipping on brew, looking for relatively sober girls to engage in conversation with… I wasn’t too successful.
I woke up Saturday and went to a frat tailgate party across from the Stadium… didn’t get drunk… sorta continued my gawking activities by myself. Vandy beat Western Carolina in a 45-0 shutout… first time in 10 years… woot. The game was awesome, full of energy and spirit. Damn student spirit killed me though… they stood the whole game, which means that you have to stand if you wanna see the game… which sucks after the first quarter and is only bearable the first half. Afterwards I went back to my room… almost ready to pass out… when some chick saw me in my bed, called me and made fun of me for being a party pooper. I was like… damnit. So my friend comes in with Vodka and a smile on his face and explains that there are hot chicks upstairs that need our glorious presence in order to properly pregame. Fuck. So I get a shower and take lots of shots… almost regretted those… and went to Beta’s white and black party. I was pretty tipsy when I got there. They had a Michael Jackson cover band ‘who’s bad’. It was pretty good. All I know is that my friend brought this freshman girl… and she was dancing all over my friend… while simultaneously attempting to grab my crotch from behind. Doubt he knows since he was almost blacked out. He ended up taking her home and bagging her…after he puked all over the bathrooms… but anyway. She was obviously obliterated… an obvious sign when you can’t stand up straight. So I danced to Michael Jackson wannabe guy’s music, and some chick started grinding all over me… it was nice. Then she started making out with me. Nice, until she disappeared. Then it occurred that I got played, by a sloppy freshman who’s randomly hooking up with douchebags. And i was probably one of them.
On my way home I strolled into Quizno’s and ordered a bunch of food that I garbled up when I got back to my room… most of it was uneaten and strewn across my desk. Foolishness.
And now, I just finished my Macroecon and Geology reading, and I need to work on my Aristotle and Socrates response for our Philosophy discussion board:
Aristotle says, “Presumably, then, we must begin with things known to us. Hence any one who is to listen intelligently to lectures about what is noble and just, and generally, about the subjects of political science must have been brought up in good habits. For the fact is the starting-point, and if this is sufficiently plain to him, he will not at the start need the reason as well; and the man who has been well brought up has or can easily get startingpoints. ”
Socrates claimed to be the wisest man in Athens because he knew he was ignorant. One way of reading this is that he knew he had no starting points to build his arguments from.
Here, on the other hand, Aristotle seems to be saying that our foundational principles are easy to get and can be acquired by proper education. It seems that Socrates would disagree. What do you think? Why?
…………………………..since its 200am…I suppose I’ll get started now.