Month: August 2009

Recovering today.

Today, I recovered from last night.

I learned that I am not interested in over indulging in alcohol or festivities that last long into the night. Social activities are not, and will not, be a priority in my life this semester, year, or duration of college.

I’m reading Aristotle and Socrates. Currently I’m in the library, breaking from studying macroeconomics.

Each species has an important function in this world, naturally and ecologically speaking. Humans are no different. What is our function? When looking at humans, it becomes evident that our ability to intellectualize and reason is what sets us apart from all the other life forms. I would say that the highest aim and virtue is the pursuit of excellence in the area of intellectual thought. To deny this aim is to deny our unique function as humans. More thoughts on this later.

Friday night.

The weekend is here. One week of classes is down. Soo… to recap.

School is great. I’m embracing the fact that I am very average here. That doesn’t deter me from pursuing my fullest potential and doing my best to excel every chance I get, but it does add a little more realism when looking at what I’m up against. Some of the smartest kids in the country are in this class. Well rounded, ambitious, and extremely intelligent. This is a little intimidating. These kids have been bread to succeed for many years… many attending high end boarding schools, private schools, and magnet schools from all over the world. Its an atmosphere of high expectations and much responsibility. I have much to live up to. While its a little overwhelming- which I suppose is expected your first week of a new school- it is encouraging and uplifting to be in their midst. The drive rubs off on me in wonderful ways. Going above and beyond is no longer the exception, it is the rule.

So anyway. This kids know how to party too… last night… I met up with a friend of a friend from my last college who’s in a fraternity, and they took me raging all night. Poor decision when class is at 9:10am. It is a mistake I will not repeat, thats for sure.

I went to the activities fair today… over 300 student clubs on campus. Intense…
A few I signed up for included the debate team, mock trial, and model UN. Some community service oriented clubs included the peer mentor program for students with intellectual disabilities, alternative spring break (you apply for an interview to travel to over 50 locations around the world to perform humanitarian services during your spring break), The Vanderbilt Torch (libertarian/conservative newspaper), and a few others. I also signed up to receive information on the crew club (rowing) and the water polo club. Crew is a little too intense for me… three hour practices, 5 days a week. Water polo is 2-3 times a week for 2 hours in the late evening… not bad… and its an excellent workout.

I figure I’ll pick and choose what fits my schedule best. In terms of goals… Academics is first… so we’ll see what happens. Good grades, build the resume for law school, put some community service hours in, and get in wicked shape.

So…Academics here… hmm. Each class has an insane amount of reading… couple that with the not mandatory but ‘you’d-be-screwed-if-you-didn’t-do-it’ study questions in every class, and I’m looking at roughly 4-6 hours of study work a night. Eh.

Tonight… I party. Farewell!

First day of classes.

So today went well. I thought I had an 810am class, but it was actually 910am… so I woke an hour early. I got a little less than seven hours of sleep… no good on the first day.

Anyway. I had Intro to Philosophy 100W, which is a mandatory writing course for freshman and transfers. I think that’ll be my most enjoyable class. Theres only fifteen students in all, all from diverse backgrounds in study from education to microbiology to economics to psychology etc. Everyone brings a fresh perspective. We started out the classes by discussing the nature of ideas, what they were, and why they are important. I didn’t take notes this class, mostly because I was being too damn reserved, but from here on out its notes in every class. We’ll be reading good stuff: Plato’s five dialogues, James The Will to Believe, Nietzsche’s On the Genealogy of Morals & Ecce Homo, Descartes’s Meditations of first Philosophy, and Freud’s Civilization and its Discontents. The dialogue with Meno reading is due Friday. Should be interesting stuff. I’m so excited to get into this stuff… read, margin note, reflect, repeat. My professor just received his Phd from Vanderbilt… so he’s really pumped to get back in the classroom after spending so much time writing and reflecting. Young guy, a runner, nice and outgoing… thoughtful and articulate.

By the way, its a beautiful day out. bout 78 deg with clear azure skies.

My next class had about 200 students… At first I thought I was in the wrong place because the place was squirming with people, overflowing out of the lecture hall and into the corridors… Intro to Ethics, phil 105. After reconfirming the class with a fellow student who seemed to be falling asleep before we even started, I found a seat towards the front near a group of chatty older students who turned out to be the TA’s. The professor taught at UPenn… seems like a knowledgable guy… a good sense of dry humor as well. We discussed the four main figures of Ethics and their importance: Aristotle (virtue ethics), Hume (Utilitarian Ethics), Kant (deontological/ kantian ethics) and Nietzsche (Egoism). He postponed the reading of Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics till next week since we have a recitation on Friday.

Following the ethics class was lunch… which happened to be quite marvelous. A lot better than the last institution for sure. Only draw back was the dense crowds of people… long lines to the food stations and checkout. The food made up for it though.

After lunch I had Dynamic Earth or EES 100.. basically a class to fulfill my natural science and lab requirement. Met some good guys.. had about 150 students in the class. We’ll see how these go.

My last class today was the principles of Macroeconomics with Professor Buckles. Seems like a fantastic guy. The class is massive… probably over 200 students but it was hard to tell. It’s a pretty basic class covering the foundations of economics.. we’ll see.

Anyway. I worked out last night. My muscles need to get in shape fast.. just typing is causing them to strain. wayy outta shape. i’m gonna sign up for a Political science class or a Calculus class for Tues and Thursdays. We’ll see how that all works out.

Vandy day three:over

*stream of consciousness*

First weekend at Vanderbilt is over… I’m alive and all is well.

The school? Everyone is pretty awesome… warm and inviting. There are 6500 students on campus and I’m sure I haven’t encountered a mere fraction of the diversity here. Transfer orientation is almost through… tomorrow we have an community service fair, student organization fair, and a greek life info session. I’m seriously considering active participation in Model UN and the Debate club… as far as greek life goes… its dependent on the chapter and how well I click. This is obvious stuff, but I am not a conformist, and I shudder to think I need other men to reaffirm my self worth and esteem. I want to be around men that support and reinforce it. So we’ll see how that goes. There’s always the typical stereotypes, but I do my best to avoid falling into those traps.

Economics and Philosophy… that always gets mixed responses. Some people associate Economics with Math, while others view it as a theoretical practice that coincides with some degree of philosophy. I am dead set on that combo until the econ courses convince me otherwise. I do plan on taking some mathematics… I am a little hesitant to take math classes here… only because its vanderbilt, and I’m not a math major. BUT, I would like to reinforce my economic studies… and math is the best way to do that. My adviser suggested I take as many as possible… we’ll see. I still must fulfill the AXLE (achieving excellence in liberal education) requirements… international studies, natural sciences, US history, etc etc.

Tonight I met a few guys… we bought some beer and hung out.. shot the shit and talked about our expectations for the year. Its odd being 22 and hanging around 19 year olds. All the transfers are around 19 or 20 so its interesting… I feel older and wiser… not necessarily better. Just like, I’ve been around the block enough to foresee all their anxieties with making new friends and trying to find the cool kids and finding women and trying their best not to get fucked over and be cool in the process. I, honestly, do not give a shit about any of this. I’m here to work hard and study, and find as many like minded enjoyable people as I can along the way. This leaves me in a precarious place when looking for friends. I’m not worried though… Classes will begin and four weeks into it, this place will feel as familiar as home.

Move in

So… I’ve been laying in a hotel bed, listening to my sisters alarm go off across the room for the past 30 minutes… I still lack the inclination to shut it off. How do you expect someone to wake up to an alarm clock that sounds like a melodious harp? hm.

eh. I’m moving in in a few hours. Lots to do. Drove 10 hours to Nashville yesterday… got in last night. woot.

Dreamlov.

I had a dream about her again. Amazing as usual. It was back to the way it use to be. Euphoria saturated my senses with every touch. Our noses and cheeks would brush against each other unleashing wave after wave of feelings only described as love. To hold each other was to reject everything in the world at that moment. It was as if we were never apart. Years later, and the feelings inside never departed.

She texted me the other night. I bought her a journal when we first met. She texted me to tell me she was reading it, and that it was weird. I could relate. A few months ago I read my old journals from about four years ago. I had a hard time relating to that person. Young and naive- but I learned from it. I explained that we were young and in love… or thats how I like to remember it. Confused and in love.

Is it strange that I think of her almost daily? And its been four years? I believe shes been with a few boyfriends since us. I see her at least once a year… and each time I think that the effect she has on me has diminished since last time… but it hasn’t. The feelings remain the same as the first day I laid eyes on her. Since our first conversation that confirmed everything I felt about her, those feelings have never waned. Now, what to do about those feelings… that was always the tough part. She explained that we were intense. Intense wasn’t the word. Passion so potent that it lit our hearts on fire. To hold, to touch, to be in their presence was more than enough to satisfy any discontent in the world.

Alas. I made the decision back in the day that I was more destructive in trying to figure out what to do with these feelings than constructive. With her well being in mind, I made the choice to cut off any emotional attachment and slowly reprogrammed myself to think on other things. Quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… and it never really worked because here I am, four years later, thinking about her.

But I am forever indebted to her. The simple love we shared in my youth has been enough to propel me through any challenges I’ve been met with since. I have raised myself from a pit and have hurled myself toward dreams that are as wild as our unbridled passion. She has forever granted me the power to feel powerfully if I choose to.

I acknowledge that it is highly whimsical to believe that there will ever be a future between us. Very improbable… but not impossible. But what she has given me is hope. She has shown me feelings I could never have imagined possessing in my life. I believe, in my deepest of hearts, that I am capable of feeling that again… with or without her. I will find another to share the passion with.

In the meantime, I will create myself to be the person a girl like her rightfully deserves… in character and action and virtue….

PUKE. Fortunately I’m callous and emotionally void so I really can’t believe any of this garbage.

School

I leave for school in a few days. Pretty stoked. I went shopping today… spent entirely too much money…but it feels so good.

New thoughts? I’ve been coasting really. I need to begin refining my personal philosophy and living it out more actively. I need to hash our what exactly I believe. Maybe a journal entry, maybe I’ll write a paper. While Ayn Rands Philosophy of Objectivism comes across a little cold and egocentric at times, its about the most accurate portrayal of a personal philosophy I could see myself living. Think more later.

Failure Does Not Mean I’m A Failure

Failure Does Not Mean I’m A Failure

Failure does not mean I’m a failure;
It does mean I have not yet succeeded.

Failure does not mean I have accomplished nothing;
It does mean I have learned something.

Failure does not mean I have been a fool;
It does mean I had enough faith to experiment.

Failure does not mean I have disgraced;
It does mean I have dared to try.

Failure does not mean I don’t have it;
It does mean I have something to do in a different way.

Failure does not mean I am inferior;
It does mean I am not perfect.

Failure does not mean I have wasted my life;
It does mean that I have an excuse to start over.

Failure does not mean that I should give up;
It does mean that I should try harder.

Failure does not mean that I will never make it;
It does mean that I need more practice.

Failure does not mean that You have abandoned me;
It does mean that You must have a better idea.

-Unknown

Watching itself

‘An intellectual is a person whose mind watches itself’. -Albert Camus

I suppose my goal in life is to be as objective as possible. To examine and weigh in on every volitional and nonvolitional act or thought. To totally observe.

When a man asked why I was studying economics and philosophy, I told him off hand that I suppose I was trying make some sense of this world and all its happenings. He appeared thoughtful and said, “May I suggest that instead of trying to make sense of it, we observe it and learn as much as we can from what we see.” (more or less)

I don’t know why, but this was pretty damn profound. At that moment I was like, ah-ha. All we can really do is observe anyway. No sense can be found. There is no sense to it all. Thats a fastidious, if not impossible, undertaking. But to observe… ahh… now theres something.

My knowledge will help me be a better observer.

Relating back to that quote. I’m not going to make sense of this world, this life or myself. I will simply observe. I will watch it with ardent curiosity. I will no doubt learn the patterns and cycles and trends that inevitably come around. I will be wiser for it. I will observe the timeless.

Random musings.

Just some random thoughts.

I decided, not too sure when, that I am trying to advertise less, and do more. What I mean is this: Talk less, do more.

I noticed on facebook and twitter and myspace and all that social media, that people have an opportunity to selectively portray a certain person to the world. Typically a person that they feel most accurately portrays the real them. But, honestly, how accurate can that be? Our perceptions about ourselves are clearly biased and subjective. So over the years I’ve been trying to advertise less and less of myself. I won’t lie, this is difficult at times. Its so easy to throw information about our ideal self out there for others to digest with hunger. So I decided I wont. I guess this little online journal is where most of that stuff comes out but I’ve convinced myself that no one really reads this stuff- save a few livejournal friends with a curiosity others (much like my own)- so it doesn’t matter what I put.

I’ll admit though- this livejournal stuff is very therapeutic. I noticed that I sometimes catch myself censoring some entries. I do my best to make myself bad for this. If you can’t be honest with livejournal, how can you be honest with yourself?

But then again… I often tell myself lots of fanciful things so that I will come to believe them and eventually act on them. This is my thoughts, my real journal, or this online journal. I do this because I know that who I realistically think I am is not who I ever want to be. I have an ideal plateau of cognizance that I strive for. A person who lives through his deisres and goals.

O! New thought. Bye.

Big Smile.

Today was a great day.

I rose early this morning for a dental appointment. I gotta say, it was the best dental visit I’ve ever had, or ever could imagine having, in my life.

I walk into the office and was greeted by two vibrant ethnic receptionists with the most spell bounding smiles. They literally infused me with their joy. I sheepishly smiled back, and explained that I had an appointment for 1030 with my two sisters and that I was a few minutes early. They told me they were expecting me and to have a seat- but boy, I really felt like they were expecting me, like they were glad to see me. It made me feel good!

So I sat in the room and examined its contents. A beautiful painting stretched across the adjacent wall. It was obviously French… and my first thoughts were Monet or Van Gough or something. It had that vibrant color. It was an outdoor scene at a dark with ladies and gentlemen drinking spirits on cobblestone pavers under broad trees in a park. It was beautiful. But that was just to start. They had elaborate crown molding, and walls that were covered in a classy textured paint that looked sun bleached. It was brownish.. or goldish.. or yellowish. It was pretty. The furniture looked like it should’ve been in one of the newport mansions. Plush love seats, chairs that looked like throwns, and a tables that were stained solid mahogany with elaborate finishings on the legs. To top it off… I realized that my heart was swaying to the magnificent music I was hearing… Handel! The baroque melodies melted me away as I sunk into the chair. Truly amazing dental experience. Did I mention that everyone was beautiful?

Then there was the hygienist… probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. I think she was native South African. Beautiful. So nice. Constantly asking me how I was, smiling, giving me detailed accounts of what I was going to expect… xrays, an examination and such. So nice. The Doctor, or dentist, was even nicer. He spoke slowly, articulating every word as he looked me in the eye. He chose his words very carefully as to convey a clear, relatable message, uniquely for me… or it felt that way anyway. All I remember was him saying something along the lines of “My job is to give you knowledge about yourself. You can then take this knowledge where ever you go with confidence. You can use this knowledge to make decisions that are best for you.” He said “I can only give you this knowledge. You have known yourself alot longer than me, so I am not in a place to tell you how to use it.” My God. Probably the most empowering words I’ve heard from anyone in a long time… Let alone my DENTIST! HA! I was blown away. Knowledge about my teeth! Who could’ve known that I felt so empowered upon acquiring that knowledge.. about my teeth. Anyway.

I had a single cavity 😦 Considering I haven’t been to the dentist in five years.

I did notice that there were books all about these dental rooms.. positive literature. I read a quote like this “A positive attitude makes for a positive life.” How true. I wanna go to the dentist every day to get those vibes. I want to grow to be a person who can instill that kind of comfort in another person.

8:30 am

This is the earliest I’ve woke in a long while.

I find that the earlier I go to bed, the earlier I rise, and the more energy I have earlier on in the day. When I sleep in, I’m groggy until dusk, then my energy levels pick up… and I stay up late, and the cycle continues.

Yesterday I was pretty productive. Made a dental appointment, faxed my health records to the school, went to the gym (it was amazing!), started to put together my model airplane, read a little, went on an enjoyable bike ride across town… and… thats about it.

Florida is so beautiful. People that don’t live here might be able to disagree… but they’re jaded. They live other places… they can’t truly enjoy the utter beauty of brilliant blue skies, with blazing setting sunsets that light the atmosphere on fire, changing it to deep reds, hot pinks, and blazing oranges. The evenings here are amazing. Perfect temperature too. A slight breeze makes it dreamy.

Anyway- I leave for school in about a week and a half. I need to organize all my belongings and figure out what I’ll need to bring to school. This part is a pain. Its all crammed in boxes.. and I know full and well that I’ll never use half the stuff in those boxes… its just accumulated over time.

We have no food in the house. I need to go grocery shopping.

Eating the Fruit.

I’m in a contemplative mood tonight. I just saw the movie ‘500 days of summer’.. I highly recommend it. It has a rare quality to its story. It doesn’t seem to be sugar coated. It picks you up… but doesn’t leave you up there… nor does it slam you down abruptly. It lets you float down again and grounds you. Wonderful movie.

Life. I must’ve said that word out loud tonight a dozen times. I think about it all the time. Expectations and reality. I was thinking… I like when my expectations are unrealistic from everyone else’s standpoint. and who knows maybe they’re not. But.. as I go through life.. I like the ambitions that require major action.. major investment. I noticed that the vast majority of these ambitions don’t necessarily come to fruition… but I’m always a lot farther ahead that where I would’ve been without them. So I shall keep these lofty goals… these dreams that seem just out of reach.

Life.

I walked around my neighborhood tonight. It was beautiful. Full, glowing moon. It penetrated the clouds as they silently drifted across the sky. There was a stillness to the air. I talked to my friend Brandon tonight. He was frustrated with himself… he got a B+ in a class. He said that the grade didn’t reflect his effort or his knowledge of the subject. It was the last thing I wanted to talk about really.. how upset with himself he is. My mood was so transparent and tranquil. My attitude was looking up. His grade, that class, is behind him. Every undertaking should be done with maximum effort to ensure that we perform even greater for the next. Looking backward while trying to move forward is difficult. He was, however, the only person that was open to catching up.. about nothing.

Life.

I walked around tonight.. on the sidewalks, the grass.. I walked, balancing my steps between the yellow lines in the road.

I feel very calm at the moment.

Here is an amazing poem that keeps my head up:

“I do not choose to be a common man. It is my right to be uncommon—if I can. I seek opportunity—not security. I do not wish to be a kept citizen, humbled and dulled by having the state look after me. I want to take the calculated risk; to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed. I refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence; the thrill of fulfillment to the stale calm of utopia. I will not trade freedom for beneficence nor my dignity for a handout. I will never cower before any master nor bend to any threat. It is my heritage to stand erect, proud and unafraid; to think and act for myself, enjoy the benefit of my creations, and to face the world boldly and say, this I have done. All this is what it means to be an American.” Dean Alfange

That movie, 500 days of summer, made me think. It was cute. I like romantic movies. Movies about the dynamics of relationships.

I looked at myself in the mirror tonight.. with a long stare, trying to see myself as the person I am, not as I perceive myself to be. It was…

I was thinking tonight. Very much. I look forward to those times in life where you wake up, and life has a new light to it. Opportunities abound, possibilities stretch far and wide. The world at my fingertips. I love those times. Where everything has yet to cast a shadow. The world is a blank canvas… and slowly, line by line, choice by choice, it takes form. My decisions shape a lifestyle I grow to love, or hate. These opportunities, for most, seem rare. I work for them.
You know those times I speak of. Getting up in the morning is effortless. Showering and getting ready for the day is a breeze… your thoughts are elsewhere… in the realm of possibility. Its a joyous unspoken passion. You see things in their ideal state. Relationships, or making them, seems to be the easiest thing in the world. Its like finding companions for the journey. Maybe its a new job, starting at a new school, or your first day of school.. or getting involved with a new sport, or club, or organization. A new purpose. The purpose of ones life is pursuing ones purpose.

I have had these opportunities more times than I can count. These are the times where you can reinvent yourself. You can choose your friends based on your new direction, not fall back on them out of convenience. You are forced to expand yourself to new ideas. Moving 13 times… attending six elementary schools, two middle schools, three high schools, and now two colleges… has given me far more of these opportunities than many people ever have. Am I fortunate? Reinvention. If I wanted to be pessimistic I could say that I’ve felt like a chameleon all these years… all this reinvention was really adaptation.. but I really don’t see it like that. Every new direction, every opportunity you have to change course, you are given the freedom to change yourself, to build on your existing character. You remove more of the chaff. Thats the goal anyway. Right?

Life.

Acceptance is a large part of life. Actually, next to change, it seems to be everything. Change happens, continually… you never step into the same river twice. Accepting that change, and seeing things as they currently are, being willing to change your conceptions, is one of the greatest dilemmas I have. It causes me to lose a brief sense of security. But thats a risk we must learn to take I suppose. If we never went out on a limb, how would we ever eat the fruit?

I have many thoughts right now. Many many. Tomorrow… I will drive to Ft Myers to drop my cousins off… and meet my grandfathers new wife. I think it will be a surprise for him 🙂 He’s resentful that I don’t visit more often. I don’t blame him. Long complicated family drama really. As I get older I see the facets of relationships and see how their roots intertwine. Face value is never too revealing.

Love Love Love. And Happiness. Isn’t that what we all want? or maybe more happiness and then there’s love.

Why do I rob myself the joy of waking up every day like its my first day alive? I want to walk around my days like its the first day of my life… like there is something to learn behind every smile, around every turn, under every rock, twig or blade of grass.

I just read this: ‘Speak with substance to the life you know; not those which you admire.’ I speaks to me.

I’ll sleep.. think more tomorrow.

🙂

I realized I wasn’t done yet.

So I realized… I could ramble some more.

School starts soon. I hope my brain hasn’t rusted out this summer. I meant to study the LSAT. GOD. I am fed up with my lame excuses. Where is my passion? Where is my fire?? Why do I think I have any TIME? I DONT! Every moment that passes is a moment I will be judged on. I will be judged on my collective moments and I need them to work in my favor if I’m gonna achieve my goals.

What will help me out here? What do I wanna do tomorrow?

1 Alright.. read 50 pages on any book.. or any combination of 3… since I have three started.

2 Go to the beach.

… I use to have such better goal setting skills. Think!

3 Play guitar… 30 min. Time myself. No monkey business.

4…Make food… and sit at the table and eat it.

5. limit computer use to 2 hours.. GOD. I feel like thats dangerous. Maybe… 10 minutes? I can check my updates 10 times tomorrow that way. How stupid. NO COMPUTER TOMORROW!

6 RUN! I don’t care how far damnit. Get the shoes on and run somewhere. I won’t let myself stop once I get goin.

Anyway. That was boring.

I feel like I’ve thought it all… seen it all.. .and want nothing to do with it. I feel like all if for naught. At the time being anyway. I know I can reprogram myself.

BTW. In case you didn’t know.. people are overly sophisticated computers. That is all. I feel so cold when I say that. But… I believe… we are programmed by our environment, our upbringing, our parents, our every influence. We choose how these will affect us, mind you, but we are simply a collection of behaviors we’ve programmed ourselves to have. Habits. Call them whatever you want. Modes of thinking. I feel like my hard drive is going bad. I’ve reprogrammed myself to be so many people, think so many things, and not just think.. really believe and live out fully… that I am worn out. Now… I know thats bullshit… but it feels good to say it. Am I losing my mind?

I am delirious with fatigue. Rambling is therapeutic. I’ll do this again tomorrow.
In the meantime.. I will work on being more creative and exercising my will power. Will power is a big one.

alrighty.

I’m just gonna type… because damnit… I’ve been thinking too much. And not saying anything about it. This will be my therapy.

So Michael… This is your summer… is this what you thought it to be? Nope. I pretty much planned on reading a billion books… getting in wicked good shape… andd learning a bunch of things. And maybe write a helluva lot more. Like… start a damn book. Have I done any of that? Nope.

GOD. I’m gonna stop living in denial. Right now. The foot comes down. I haven’t done SHIT with my summer. I know why too! Well… I can hypothesize. We’ll see if this makes sense… Ok.. so like… I had a great two years. All in all… average up all my days.. and its been great. I got into my school… had a great attitude… achieved goals. Wonderful. Now. Its summer. I’m in transition. I have no REAL obstacles in my way. Just… TIME. That one.

So here I am… until recently, my sisters were outta the house, doin school or working for their summer camps, mamma dukes was workin at the salon, and pops was workin at his lil company. And there I was… all by myself.

I had lofty goals… get on a schedule and all that… but it didn’t seem to hold up after two weeks. And Reading… boy… i read like 10 hours a day every day for two weeks… then.. poof. I was like… the computer brings me more immediate joy. and books went on the shelf.

So I download all kinds of crap.. movies, ebooks, games etc. and I waste away. I literally… sit in my room and browse the internet for cool news.. breakthroughs etc.,

My daily highlight is walking my dog. I get sooo excited to do chores! Its ridiculous really.

Is there something wrong with me? wrong question.

Gosh. I just need to release all this junk in my head.

Friends….FRIENDS.

I have suddenly… for the very FIRST time in my life… ceased to care about friends. I use to be a friend collector.. try to get as many as possible. Not for selfish aims… but because I loved bringing joy to other people. I thought it was my responsibility to do just that. But nowadays… i feel like people are deadweights. They either aren’t doing amazing things with their life… or… they have luggage. This is a gross generalization I know. I’m such a terd. blah.

I need stimulation. I wanna make a bet with myself that I can wakeup at 1030am… get up.. take a shower. and go to the beach… before I can talk myself out of it. I REALLY wanna do this. STIMULATION. And i’ll bring my books. Atlas shrugged. My dad wants me to write an essay.. win 10 grand. Not a bad deal. I love the book.. may be easy money… but then again I’ve never written an essay on a 1200 page novel outlining a philosophy like objectivism before. It can be done.

Whew. So my friends call… and I watch the phone ring… and tell myself I’ll call them back. Days later… I tell myself its too late. I’m really not interested in maintaining a social life at the moment. I’m looking forward to getting back to academia.

So my fahter… he’s building a crazy hydroponics garden in our back yard.. He goes to a hydroponic shop to pick up fertilizer on a pretty regular basis. He recently brought me… and as we were walking into the store… some things occurred to him for the first time. He glanced at the CASH ONLY sign… then looked at the cashier… his squinty little eyes. We walked towards the back of the store… I pretended to browse… I was actually overhearing a conversation between the store owner and a customer about how amazing his plants are gonna bud with this new fertilizer. My fathers face warms over with an enlightened expression… he leans over to me and says… “I just realized something. This place caters to drug dealers.” I loled.
Well… its next to a strip club. They have an ATM machine in their store to support the cash only business… and every single person that walks through that door looks like an american gangster. My father, mind you, is a military man… Annapolis graduate… polos and boat shoes. We stuck out. It hasn’t stopped my father from growing his hydroponic tomatoes. Which are… amazing!

gosh. It feels good to ramble.

uncommon. if you can.

Average people do average things. Uncommon people to uncommon things. Successful people do the things unsuccessful people are unwilling to do.

I was walking around Disney with the family, and I noticed how drab and average everyone was. I thought to myself, ‘So this is what average looks like. This is how they spend their time.’ Then the horrific reality hit me… I could be one of them. Mindlessly indulging in an average past time. I looked at myself through their eyes. It scared me. ‘But I’m not one of them,’ I pleaded with myself, ‘my experiences have taught me much differently then them. I have a much different style of thinking. My past is anything but average.’ But there I was, side by side with the average American, indulging in an average American past time

So I might not be average if I go to a bar with friends, or go to disney, or travel to vegas for the weekend for celebrations, or go to college, etc. But if my choices continue to bring me to the popular ideas or destinations of the masses, I need to seriously reevaluate my yearning to be an uncommon man who makes uncommon decisions.

The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. ~Colin Wilson

thoughts

It doesn’t matter how well you relate if you don’t have the credentials to back it up. This is a good and bad thing. Unfortunately, when people who genuinely have the experiences that enable them to relate and relay knowledge, and offer advice and perspective, their words are weightless. The paper, the accreditation by the colleges and universities certifies that this person has gone through the motions. It doesn’t mean they are smart, that they necessarily understand the content they learned, or ever formed a context to which they can be an effective messenger of knowledge to society. It means they went through the motions that a society deems as appropriately suitable for someone specializing in an area of thought. So I go through the motions, and continually frame the content of my experiences in a way that would allow for opportunities to grow in the future. If the paper is what I need, I will not be a rebel. I will get it. I will get as many papers, degrees, certifications as possible. But the hallmark of understanding is production. What will I be producing in the meantime that would highlight and emphasize the depth and breadth of my understanding?

I want to write a book. I just don’t know the plot yet. Is this a problem? not really. Every time I journal I see a book materializing before my eyes. These are cliff notes documenting the progressive nature of human development.

My Creed.

I strive to be as genuine as possible; to do right in the midst of adversity; to be a gentlemen and a leader; to expect success and embrace responsibility; to keep an eternal perspective on the good things unseen, and be wary of being caught up in tangible, short lived things of this world; to have an eye for beauty and goodness; a heart for people.

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I posted this a long while ago. Its important to reference regularly. My Creed. I’m sure I can clean it up but, as it is, it pretty much summarizes the content of character I wish to attain.

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Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.-B. Franklin

I love this. It strikes me deep with conviction.

templative.

Life’s most puzzling challenge is learning how to use the most of my time. The pursuit of unraveling moments in time. Personal growth, the acquisition of knowledge, foraging new experiences, and retrieving memories. They all serve to aid in expounding the most out of life’s moments, to achieve a timeless consciousness that exists in a finite space in time. The more of these ideals we consume and integrate into our current state, the more we can unravel in time, the more facets we can allow life to shine more fully.

‘What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think.’ -Emerson

If I can immortalize that statement into my psyche, I will grow to greater heights than I could ever currently imagine. When we attempt to customize our beliefs around other peoples conceptions, we denounce faith in our ability to rationalize the world for ourselves. When this happens imagination is extinguished. We are left expending our energies on justifying others ideals and opinions and never fully explore the validity of our own experiences.

I will not say that understanding others point of view isn’t incredibly important. It serves as a practice of reinforcing a perspective when ours are falling short. Other men’s ideas should never serve as a substitute for our own however.

‘Meek young men grow up in libraries, believing it their duty to accept the views which Cicero, which Locke, which Bacon, have given, forgetful that Cicero, Locke, and Bacon were only young men in libraries, when they wrote these books.’
R.W. Emerson (from the essay American Scholar)

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The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best. ~ Epictetus

Vaca.

Wow. I’ve been bussyyy. I have soo much to catch up on. So i remember next time I jump on here… I need to write about: Brandon’s shit show 21st..Vegas extravaganza… & the week with family in Orlando. I am STILL reading atlas shrugged… a little less than halfway through it… i know I know… its been more than two months… but, as much as I’m in love with the book and its philosophy, it hasn’t been my priority. I’ll try to read as much as possible the next few weeks before school.. then no leisurely reading. So anyway. Love atlass shrugged. I hand journaled quite a bit the past few weeks… so I’ll reference as I dictate my experiences to LJ. Talk soon.