Month: March 2005

man. life. whoa. i had an awesome time/trip with jam-o. life throws so much at you at once. i constantly am being bombarded by new trials and tribulations. ive decided that girls, even the ones you love, are impossible. one day the spill their heart, the next they clean it up and the sincere love that could withstand the end of the world is no more, just lost words and feelings. bah. im a naive little boy.

coffee is good. ive come to the conclusion that i am retarded. i cannot handle simple emotional tasks. i am afraid this is going to damage me and all of my relationships. scares the shit outta me. i constantly contradict my own convictions. which leads me to feel like shit. which leads me to be self destructive. and i dont like it. i hate hurting people. i have soo much anxiety and stress right now. from what? i dont know. i need help. my best bro jamie O is coming tomorrow. cant friggen wait. ill be able to let go of all my worries for the next 5 days and enjoy life. i need to totally chill. i want coffee icecream. coffee and cigarettes. rootbeer and cloves. i wanna drink and go swimming. go skateboarding in the rain.

ive decided this weekend sucked alot. i contribute that to me deciding that drinking wasnt a good idea. coming to the conclusion that having fun weekends are built around alcohol, i realized that removing the alcohol just leaves you with a weekend and no fun. so drink in moderation i will. other things that i wanna complain about: i want my jeep back. i want my cellphone back. i need to start getting into a steady training regiment. i have to stop idealizing people… and…. ya.

all i can do is laugh. i laugh and laugh and laugh. i think about the past year. and laugh. no tears. just laugh. laugh at everything. ive gotten to the point where i care soo much. that i just dont care. its awesome. since my decision to quit smoking the reefer a few weeks ago, ive had no desire to continue the habit. ive been drinking uncontrollably the past few weeks instead. ive decided as of two nights ago that my drinking habits have become destructive. so ive decided to stop drinking for awhile. and… while thinking about it why not stop doin drugs. while these decisions might not be permanate… id like to see what its like to live sober for awhile. we’ll see how it works out.

i got drunk as fuck yesterday. why? i do not know. but its two in the morning. and i woke up. and i remember my parents yelling at me when i got home at 8 that i was a mess. i could not walk or talk. i did not know up from down. i cannot rely. its a sin. why. i started drinking at 11:00. i capped out around 15 beers by that night. but i could not count. im a fuckin mess. i did not know what i was doing or what was going on. so im sitting here. still drunk. drinking my water. wondering why no one showed up. wondering what the hell happened yesterday. and i dont know.

with grass stains on her knees she looks up and smiles at me my eyes run to hers and time stops to wait for the two lovers lost together

i tripped last night. man. what an experience. i am changed. i see things so much differently. i would say clearer… and maybe thats it… but its a different shade of reality. alot makes sense. i feel alot better about so many things. man. its a MINDBLOWING experience. everything… like… whoa. wouldnt recommend it to get fucked up on. cause you aernt fucked up. its all in your mind. i am happy i experience it. it was very therapeutic. got alot out.

hearts everywhere. oh yea. they’re all broken like mine. only this time i broke them all. i want to make things better but the hearts have left me. im alone now with my broken heart. here ill stay until im rescued.

sooo. today i had a friggen awesome time. no worries. not a worry in the world. i feel so goooood. so what did i do you ask? first… today was a beautiful day. jon and i longboarded alll of palm beach. the whole palm beach area. all of clematis and city place every nook and cranny. we went to the island and went to the beach and continued to explore. worth avenue. in and out of alley ways. chilled at the park in palm beach. sat on the docks. saw the sun light the sky up and paint an aweing array of colors across the horizon. we climbed plam trees and giant crazy trees like 50ft high. had an awesome time. in the middle of the city there was an abandoned house… i thought itd be a good idea to break in. sooo i did. and we explored the whole inside. it was old… if it was fixed up it be a killer pad. it was fun. i felt like a little kid with his hand in a cookie jar. so we went to jons house in west palm checked out the construction and proceeded to the wellington mall to…. i dont know why we went. but we did and had a good time. my legs are sore and im tired. but ill go to bed with a smile on my face.

Binge everything. eating. starving. binge drinking water, alcohol, bingeing with women. bingeing with not giving a fuck. bingeing on skipping. BINGE. i have become a BINGER. (is that a word? one who binges?) anyway last night. i got so drunk…. that i dont remember when i left teh clubhouse. nor do i remember half the events of the night. i drank and drank and drank. and bonged so many beers i lost count. ill tell more later

first me and jon are drunk as fuck im at teh clubhouse with gab sebas carlos nick and jon fuck as drunk man i am officially enlisted in the marines im leaving sept12 …a long ways away but i am officially apart of the corps last nigh i spent the day in miami in a hotel awaiting meps with jon we werent allowed to leave but we got broed so we did leave walked the streets all night wen to publix i decided that dry ICE is fucin cool as shit so i bought some and yea good idea bought some water bottles and shit and we were making dry ice bombs in the fuckin parking lot 20oz bottles 2 Liter bottles fuckin righ man soooooooooooooooooooooooooo loud and INTENSE dude intense what a rush BAM loud you know it we ordered pizza hut at the hotel we wtched tv and passed the fuck out while experimetned with the rest of our dry ice with cool speical effects l sooo we woke up at fuckin like 400 thats uh 4 HOURS of SLEEP SLEEP what the fuck is that i got non eof taht shit and we spent the whole sday till 300 at MEPs what a day all kinda craxzy shit whatever i got home had dinner with the fam the frigen fam and then wen tto home depot made a fuckin beer bong pounded fuckin an 18 pack plus 7 beers whatever the fuck that is so now im drinking vodka and orange juice side note cause im not hardcore enought o chug it straightand fuc im drunk soooooooooooooo ive decided to become a thinking man yea at least for the next 7 months and ive decided to become a man whore cause love isnt real its a made up fairy tale its a heightening of emotions where you cant control them and there is no oher way o interpret those feelibngs except for dubbing hem love i love i love select women /woman its too much to expect someone to love you like you love them wayy to much you want to believe that when you love someone your love and compassion isnt in vain but its fake its never the same so fuck IT i am still waiting for that woman maybe i met her maybe i havent but im waiting for love to be real for me SOMEONE FIND ME AND LOVE ME AND LET LOVE FLOURISH no nonsense

i realized how much i enjoy chewing gum with ice. i also realized how much i enjoy the company of my friends. Half the time, i enjoy the act of living and everything it entails. when a soft breeze blows gently through your hair and across your face. i like walking barefoot. even on hot asphalt after the beach, although it hurts at the time. i like wrapping myself in my one and only blanket i sleep with, and burying my face deep within my pillows. i really like the fact that i will never really have it (life) figured out. that makes me smile. whenever i look at my bracelet covered wrists i smile at my heart. i like when i get a hug and a wisper in my ear. doing things without having a reason for doing them isnt a bad thing. find a reason after youve done it. waking up. better yet, waking up to a room drenched in the fresh morning sun, and finding someone you love waiting for you at your side. moving is fun. running. walking. skating. rolling. whichever you choose, choose to enjoy it, and you will.im not an adult yet. i think that adults have thier life together. they all act like they do anyway. and until i can at least act like i have it together ill accept that im still a kid. im tired of being tired. of having weighty things on my mind. things that never cease to leave my thoughts. things of importance but i always question how much they really mean. i like pretending im super smart and that no one else thinks like i do. whether or not thats the case i care not. i like making myself pick apart tiny things that arent worth picking apart, but ill do it anyways and have a good time with it. i dont like failing unless i choose to do so. so i always findmyself choosing to fail. its a horrible disease. when i try to succeed and i fail i am crushed. my safe mode is failure. not good. i hate when i say things and i have to take them back. i am a confused person. i follow my heart and it does not have a brain. it knows no logic. so i get confused and say things that i might not have meant. but dont hold it against me forever. i always mean well. always.

random pictures from the Snowball Dance and whatnot. NJ was COLD

^^ whoever says love isn’t a painful thing has never loved.

UPDATE: going to NJ tomorrow. see my friends. jamie o is comin to the big FL the 23rd of march. i currently weigh 180lbs. and i have been doin good.

enough is enough. no one can convince me otherwise. its past the point of return. maybe in the distant future, but now is not the time and i will no longer chase after stale dreams.

im fed up and blah……….. poo.