You know those pictures… or paintings… or beautiful inspiring things in life that lift your spirits, heighten the depths of your heart, and cause a flood of feelings. These are the things in life that, no matter how many times you look, they never cease to cause a chorus of joy to erupt within you. They cause your spirit to take off in full sprint, ready to take flight at any moment. But I never let it. I hold it down against everything natural and good in me. I hold it down because I know that those wings were never meant to fly. Not now anyway.
Your thoughts are preoccupied with life, the happenings that mold and shape you. In spite of these events, the ever kneading and tempering experiences, there always remains a yearning for her. A youthful heart that still has breath and strength to jump and run and laugh and play despite the years.
Its an amazing thing, love is. Perhaps it’s a choice. Perhaps it’s a maniacal desire. Perhaps it’s perfect chemistry. Perhaps all of these combined. Its persistence and potency is most admirable. I’ve come to respect these feelings. Precious and unique, it conquers all the nay saying, all the better judgment, all the contrary opinions.
My mind is at peace. It’s incubating as it reflects on decisions and present paths. My soul peers through its dim windows until it finds her. How I love the illumination she sheds on the landscapes of life. How I love the blazing lusts ignited by her beauty.
I haven’t written for a long while. A mental sabbatical has diverted most of my energies to things worldly in nature. The guilt doesn’t seem to run as deep as it once did. Better for my conscious. We’ll see how my soul fairs. It will either continue to flourish, or begin to wither from righteous deprivation.
Even now I’m traveling. I had strong thoughts that I needed to somehow shape into something. I needed to mull these over while they’re fresh in my mind.
A few months of school left until I transfer. It looks like Boston or NYC. By some miracle I could find myself in Florida. A miracle like this would only be undesirable.
I’ve spent a good portion of my free time with family while I’ve been breaking. My friends tend to be nocturnal, resorting to the self indulgences in the wee hours of the morning, when the bars are filled with drunks and retired dream chasers.
Today I visited family in Orlando. My grandparents and my oldest cousin from my fathers side. It was great to see them.
I begin my college search. I also begin planning to go back to school. Scholarships are also in need of pursuit.
I’m confident that discipline is one of the rarest virtures in the world. I’m confident that discipline is one of the most common virtues in successful people.
Discipline requires repetition and focused intent. Stamina, strength and willpower are its fruits. I need to practice discipline. I need to go out of my way to hone this Godlike trait.
There are no should’s, only must’s.
Love is flighty. I wish I had the desire to fully describe all the thoughts and feelings that swirl around inside me. A plethora of assessments, conclusions, and conjectures.
I’ll squeeze it out of me. This break has been good so far. A few more weeks until I return to school. A wonderful feeling!