Month: December 2008

evol

You know those pictures… or paintings… or beautiful inspiring things in life that lift your spirits, heighten the depths of your heart, and cause a flood of feelings. These are the things in life that, no matter how many times you look, they never cease to cause a chorus of joy to erupt within you. They cause your spirit to take off in full sprint, ready to take flight at any moment. But I never let it. I hold it down against everything natural and good in me. I hold it down because I know that those wings were never meant to fly. Not now anyway.

Your thoughts are preoccupied with life, the happenings that mold and shape you. In spite of these events, the ever kneading and tempering experiences, there always remains a yearning for her. A youthful heart that still has breath and strength to jump and run and laugh and play despite the years.
Its an amazing thing, love is. Perhaps it’s a choice. Perhaps it’s a maniacal desire. Perhaps it’s perfect chemistry. Perhaps all of these combined. Its persistence and potency is most admirable. I’ve come to respect these feelings. Precious and unique, it conquers all the nay saying, all the better judgment, all the contrary opinions.
My mind is at peace. It’s incubating as it reflects on decisions and present paths. My soul peers through its dim windows until it finds her. How I love the illumination she sheds on the landscapes of life. How I love the blazing lusts ignited by her beauty.
I haven’t written for a long while. A mental sabbatical has diverted most of my energies to things worldly in nature. The guilt doesn’t seem to run as deep as it once did. Better for my conscious. We’ll see how my soul fairs. It will either continue to flourish, or begin to wither from righteous deprivation.
Even now I’m traveling. I had strong thoughts that I needed to somehow shape into something. I needed to mull these over while they’re fresh in my mind.
A few months of school left until I transfer. It looks like Boston or NYC. By some miracle I could find myself in Florida. A miracle like this would only be undesirable.
I’ve spent a good portion of my free time with family while I’ve been breaking. My friends tend to be nocturnal, resorting to the self indulgences in the wee hours of the morning, when the bars are filled with drunks and retired dream chasers.
Today I visited family in Orlando. My grandparents and my oldest cousin from my fathers side. It was great to see them.
I begin my college search. I also begin planning to go back to school. Scholarships are also in need of pursuit.
I’m confident that discipline is one of the rarest virtures in the world. I’m confident that discipline is one of the most common virtues in successful people.
Discipline requires repetition and focused intent. Stamina, strength and willpower are its fruits. I need to practice discipline. I need to go out of my way to hone this Godlike trait.
There are no should’s, only must’s.
Love is flighty. I wish I had the desire to fully describe all the thoughts and feelings that swirl around inside me. A plethora of assessments, conclusions, and conjectures.
I’ll squeeze it out of me. This break has been good so far. A few more weeks until I return to school. A wonderful feeling!

Questions to answer

I love written language- Alexander Pope is amazing (reading ‘essay on criticism’. Words fail to paint the passionate esteem I hold for him.

I need to get this out of me. I have an exam in a couple of hours… I should… no… must be studying microecon… but I my plan is to journal these thoughts first.

There are no shoulds in life. At least… there should be not ‘should’s. How about… there must be not ‘should’s in life. There should only be ‘must’s’. Or how about… There must be only ‘musts’.

There is no shoulds. There is only musts.
There.

Anyway…

I have some questions I want to verify with research.
I think about these questions all the time… they’re the meat of what I mull over.

What role does the cognitive processes play on feelings?
or..How much of how we feel is dictated by cognitive processes?
What role does belief play in our feelings?
or How does belief dictate how we feel (physiologically or mentally)?

Do we think because we feel?
or do we feel because we think?
Are we feeling before we think? Or thinking before we feel?

We control do we have over our feelings?
What role does focus play in our feelings and thoughts (emotional/mental state of being)?

Ranting

333am

This weekend has been fruitless. Hm. Not too much work done. I feel paralyzed. I know I’ll finish it all. Finals week is exhausting… just because of the sheer anxiety I carry around every waking moment.

I can’t wait to go home for break… read ALLLL DAY! ALL NIGHT! GOsh! I loveeee reading. I love me time. haven’t had any of that for..sheesh… wow… can’t remember.

I need to sleep. Study group nice and early tomorrow.

This break I’m working out again. I’m renewing the commitment to myself to lead the healthiest lifestyle possible. I need to take my vitamins. Be conscientious about what I eat. Eating regularly. Sleeping regularly. All of which have gone out the window. I also will be practicing will power. I’ve undermined mine this semester. Given in to the moment. I will write everyday. I will read every day. I will exercise. I will regain a balance in my life. I will do things I don’t want to do only because they build character. I will embrace it. yipee! Sleep. ZZzzz

press.sure.

not reading enough. hmph.

I am stressing. For a lot of reasons. My pride causes me to run from the pressures. I just found out a student loan was disapproved. I need to figure out a way to come up with $18,000 by next Friday for the past semesters payment. If I don’t, I don’t go to school next Spring, I owe $18,000, I can’t apply to another school because they won’t release my grades or transcripts. This is a major blow for me. And its happening during finals week. Not the best time to be dealing with the stake of your future.

My father is unbelievable. I don’t understand my family. ugh. I think they live in a fantasy world. or maybe its me? Either way, its causing immense dissonance.

4am

I spend a lot of times trying to define things. I often have trouble trying to define myself. I let myself worry about other peoples perceptions. The last thing I’d want to do is miscommunicate myself to people and the world. If I’m misunderstood, so be it. But as long as I can help it, I’d like to.

Little bios and what not. I can’t express who I am in a biography. My nature? I’m constantly changing. Who I am changes in relation to the situation, the person. While I maintain a sense of integrity, I’m never the same.

****

Well… went to the bar this evening… got relatively intoxicated. It was one of those nights where you and your friends talk about all the deep ruminations that lay quietly at the foot of your mind. The ones that are seldom expressed and never elaborated. They were pretty fulfilling. There was a mutual eagerness to gain perspective and to share perspective.

So…I came home.. passed out. its 4am… dry as hell in the apartment. drank a bunch of water. So nice. bed time…

I can’t stop my mind. It’s racing. I lay in bed and it goes on and on. Mostly about things I’d rather not spend my time thinking about. I suppose I need to put more of the stuff i want to think about in my head.

I’ll write more later but Michel Foucault is an amazing philosopher with amazing ideas. I have been reading papers on him and how his views coincide with academic anxiety, something I used to wrestle with and can relate immensely to. Share more later.

tinkin tings.

well… I miss being in love with learning. The acquisition of knowledge for the sheer sake of furthering my understanding… motivated by sheer passion and will.

I recognize that I’m often confused. I don’t know if that makes me any more or less of a man, but I’m open to it. I do know one thing for certain. I will be successful. In what way? I usually struggle to find that answer… but I do know I’ll never ever settle. At the end of the day I strive and reach and grab that which is most excellent. I always call on the best I have to offer. Sometimes I undermine myself but such is life. It’s a learning experience.

I don’t want to be one of those people you see that’s all smart.. and has all this potential… but you look at him and he’s not doin too much. You look at his life and he’s in some kinda perpetual transition. Still finding himself, or the ideal situation. I recently read that if you’re waiting for something to turn up, the first place you should try is your sleeves. Nothings gonna happen for you unless you make it happen.

I always wonder if I’ll find those ideal circumstances that I dream about. Then I wonder if it’s just about me making those ideal circumstances. So I do my best to hone the skills and attitude and emotional resilience to make the absolute best out of my situation. I practice seeing the best in every one, everything, everytime.

I won’t lie.. I’m not flawless at this. I lack patience and sometimes throw my hands in the air and let it all out. Maybe my integrity gets jaded for a time being but thats ok. Thankfully I always remember that which I value most- passion to excel. Arete.

If you’re gonna spend time and energy thinking, exerting your influence upon the world through your thoughts and feelings, mine as well do it on your way towards something worthwhile. Like a goal, or an ideal. My fruitless thoughts, superfluous time wasters, and fickle attitudes should be given a direction.

***********

Making up our mind is powerful. Putting yourself around the right people might actually be more powerful. It is easier to pull others down than to pull others up. Doubt it? Try dragging someone up a hill. Now drag them down it. Hm.. not the same you say? Put yourself around a group of people. Now try being as happy and optimistic about your ideals, goals, aspirations as possible for a week. Notice their response and reaction. Now be morose and careless and negative for a week. Notice the response.

That paragraph above is silly. I just needed to illustrate the importance of choosing your friends and influences wisely.

Powerful:
Every thought we think is who we are.

If you want to change who you are, change what you think. Moreover, change how you think.

It’s that simple- you can be anything. Do it long enough and these thoughts become habitual, and you start acting on them. Next thing you know your character changes. Your integrity, the collection of your past actions and their influence on your present and future actions, changes.

****

9 More days till I go home to FLORIDAA! Can’t wait! Sunshine, beaches, warmth, relaxation!
I’m buckling down this week. It’s tough. I’ve been very lax the past few weeks with Thanksgiving and all. That’s over now. I’m a machine. Tranchina Machina. I get things done. I am proactive. I control my attitude which, in turn, controls the outcome of my life.

🙂

Can’t wait to go home and read my books! Read read read! Write! No pressure! No guidelines.. no one tellin me what they wanna hear. Just me and my opinion weighing against my experiences. Lovely!