life is good. im reading alot. like always when i read i feel enlightened. im currently motivated. my heart still hurts from self inflicted wounds. i dont know why im so afraid of being hurt. im constantljy trying to protect myself. ive been making great leaps and bounds in my emotional journey as well as my psychological and mental journies. it sucks to be unsure of yourself. i resolve to make it a point to be sure of myself, my commitments and feelings and everything else i have control of. im really upset at myself for the mistakes ive made in teh past. i have a really hard time forgiving myself. and in turn it sorta makes it impossible to forgive other people. and i really wish i could be friends with this one girl in particular but ive pushed her away pretty good. itd be a miracle if she was ever receptive to me again. and the thought of that hurts. cause damn. i still love her and always will. in any case im developing as a person rather greatly. im not disappointed in myself whatsoever. i dont wish to be any other way rigth now. ive never been so open and ambitous to dreams and success. time is the only thing i struggle with. i want transformation over night and it doesnt happen that way. i just need to be consistent and continually work on myself to become the best person this world will ever encounter, despite past present and furture obstacles. love.
well. however incredibly financially unstable i see myself at the moment, im consciously alright with it. i seem to have found a ray of positivity thats created enlightened outlook for me. hm. so ive got a good attitiude. i feel confident in my abilities and somewhat driven. i feel this way when i take action. my god. ACTION. it gets me off. being PRO active. holllyyyy. thats the stuff i live for. anything thats gonna progress me in any manner, may it be mental and even physical. i just need to be consistent with these optimistic spurts of joy and clarity. hm. i dunno. right now its all good. dont worry. dont hate. dont fear. and dont procrastinate. as long as i subconsciously avoid these things i will succeed to the highest level.
and ive been thinking about god lately. excuse me. God. that dude. that energy. that entity. God is a lifestyle. its a spiritual lifestyle. im convinced that materialistic and tangible pleasures are going to leave me feeling, and probably everyone else thats ever tried to find attainable happiness in those things, completely unstatisfied and even drive me crazy chasing them. i think the only real satisfaction can be found in a spiritual world. and i think if you are spiritually healthy that maybe, just maybe, the physical world we swim in will get a little more pleasant. i say that a little sarcastically almost because i believe itll get alot better if youre spiritually in tune. anyway.
alot more than that but its all good for now. i miss relationships. some people just like disappearing and running off and im not in a position to chase, more or less, after them.they know im here.
and when this happens one of two things can be guaranteed. i subconsiously begin sabotaging the very fragile life of routine and structure ive methodically created for myself with some distant delusion that destroying it will bring forth some kind of new life to me. but it doesnt and usually i get depressed and painstakingly start all over. OR. I become extremely proactive/ creative/ ambitious/ passionate/ driven etc., so that i can bring myself one step closer to the unattainable goal of self satisfaction by mastering some new kick i find myself running after. but you know what. however unattainable- i like to think of myself as a better person in the end.
that being said. im constantly trying to make myself happy and its fuckin useless. ugh. or im just a pyscho bipolar maniac whos just writing this cause he’s not doing anything with his time at the moment and that makes him ultra uncomfortable because he knows there are things out there that should be conquered and owned.
and all girls are completely the same… except one. and i havent met her.
rich. real fuckin rich.
im sorta frustrated with myself. i wanna think myself out of it. or convince myself out of it but it seems like i dont want to or im not fed up enough with with current situation that i wanna do anything about it. god i dont trust people and its a fuckin problem. i shouldnt give a shit and just live in my own little world but i do too much. i wanna getr really angry and rash. start violently rampaging. but im not. friends are shitty. i have this one friend whos my bro… and ive always looked out for him.. and he looks out for me back. but he’s got me really pissed right now. he cheated on this girl whos really sweet. and its who he cheated on her with thats shitty. i cant even get into it really. whatever. i dont care. ill leave it be. i dont want drama. um. im pissed at my motivation levels. at my ambition levels. at my processing levels. i am really just aggrivated with myself and the lack of initiative and enthusiasm. i need to get on it.
im bad at reading girls. i really dont know what the hell they want unless they go outright and say it. and im sorry if i dont read between the lines. they act like im paying attention to every detail they throw in there… when in reality im in my own happy little world. anyway.
i love women. but they are crazy. i am drunk. and i love love. and i hate when they dont reciprocate. i have work in like 4 hours. shitty as hell. i love girls. um surf. alot. cause it puts coarse hair on your bosoum.if thats how its spelled. and i was at my hangout place tonight. i broke up around.. uim… 5 seperate fights. no joke. i was getting swung at and spit on. just for trying to make peace. whatever. loser dudes like fighhting unecessary drunk fights. psh. my homies were there. hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaa