Month: May 2008

win

Just Remember…

There are few winners. There are many losers. Where do you want to be? What are you willing to do? Are you willing to sacrifice? Are you willing to be uncomfortable? In pain & agony? If there is no pain, there is no gain. Winners never quit. Losers quit. Given enough time everything dies. Given enough time, I will always win. Never give up.

heavy air

I’m in Bourdeux Texas at the days inn motel. Room 161.

The air is heavy and still. Laughter echoes in the parking lot. Pillows prop me up against the headboard. The hotel beds are typical of most cheap motels. Abrasive and kitsch. The floral teal and pink design leaves me feeling uneasy. Children laugh in the parking lot. The door is open. I watch boys talk to girls in their second story rooms. Trying their seductive skills.

Why do I hold back? Why am I afraid of failure? Michael… You’re not afraid of failure. KNOW IT. Do not question this. Failure does not reflect who you are until you quit. Quitters are failures. Do not hold back michael. You potential wants to escape. Your curiosity wants to run wild. I want to stretch and reach for the sky with everything in me. I want to throw myself down and sacrifice my ego. Sacrifice everything for a few goals. Define them michael.

You are in control Michael. You. You choose this reality you live in. You can give up control and be a victim, or you can grip yourself and exert your all powerful will on your perceptions and behold a glorious existence. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Yes. I struggle. NO. Why do I struggle? I struggle with a lack of self confidence. Why michael? I could blame it on my parents or other situational occurrances… but that’s avoiding responsibility and not holding myself accountable. You need to shape up michael.

last day of sales school

Today is the last day of sales school. Tomorrow is the beginning of a long and arduous summer. Probably one of the most challenging and painstakingly difficult experiences I’ve ever chose to do. Sell books to door to door to strangers in 100 deg weather with ungodly humidity for 12 weeks every day, 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.

I’m gonna do amazing. I will make over $20,000 this summer. I am committed to succeeding until the last delivery, the last day, the last hour, the last minute. I leave for Houston 6:30 am.

done with finals

wow. I dont even know what to say. I’m done finals. Feels good to get that outta the way. Went to a few ‘gatherings’ tonight. wishing graduates farewell. My roomates rambling on about all sorts of nonsense.

I’ve got so much to do tomorrow. Buy a car.

people are strange. So many friends. its interesting to here everyones perceptions. I get these people who always tell me ridiculously flattering things. I dont understand it. why?

Why? My firends tell me things that dont make me know how to feel. they’re flattering but i dont understand it. i dont understand how people percieve me., I dont understand that

im waster. wow. sooo burnt out. so tired. 300am. wtff

to satisfy?

I feel stifled. Sometimes I get the feeling that I could be doing do much more. There is something about freedom that makes everything so much more enjoyable and worthwhile. i suppose when you look at college as a free choice, rather than something I have to do, it becomes a different experience.

I always feel like I’m worried about satisfying the professor’s expectations. the last thing I want to do is neglect my voice, my creative opinion. Maybe my experiences led me to perceive things differently. maybe the professor doesn’t understand that. Maybe I want to synthesis the material into something that works for me, rather than the rote understanding.

I hate, DESPISE, professors that mark me wrong not based on my knowledge, not based on my effort, but on my misinterpretation of their expectations. this just makes me wanna write off academics altogether. It makes me think that they want to manufacture drones. Not freethinkers.

What the hell. Where can I go and learn? To question? to delve more into a subject than the simple essays they give, the simple research they assign. I want to explore, to engage, to totally submerge my passions in the material and follow them where they lead. NOT prune my creativity to match the expectations of lame professors. LAME. Professors who do nothing more than lecture. They don’t engage. They have their tenure. They have their TA’s. They are all a inane. They are callous to curiosity. They loath the energy of free thought, the wildness of creativity. it cannot be restrained. It cannot be precedented. It is new, fresh, and begging to be understood more. WHY am i told to deny these inclinations? Why am i forced to divert my energy into reading their mind? I CAN do this… WHO CANT! the question is… who wants to??????? WHO WANTS TO?? Its far easier to say and get away with what wants to be heard. It’s familiar and easy to tackle, easy to critique. What’s takes more effort… is to THINK. Thinking is a free experience… it involves letting the passions run free… letting the information assimilate into all the corners of the mind. It’s weird, unfamiliar, wild, ferocious, and often times uncomfortable. BUT it offers the most insight. It requires more energy, more justification, more thought, more trust.

When I write for me, i trust what I write. They are my thoughts, intimate and unique. I LOATHE writing for an audience. Who can tell what they want to hear? What they ask seldom aligns with what they expect. Is it our job to satisfy their understanding? To produce for their satisfaction? If I was told to write for me, I would be more of a person. The soft whispers of my intuition would learn to proclaim a loud and bold tone that resonates within all who hear me. My voice would force itself through the paper into the fallow minds of the readers where it would root and conjure a fruit of understanding. I would know myself and be unafraid of casting my ambitions to light.

Knowledge you say? Who wants to be encumbered by useless knowledge? What is it to gain the world but lose myself?