who is God and Jesus?

First- you need to address the situation without the connotations of religion that the world stigmatizes. Religion is man’s attempt to interpret the perfect will of God. I don’t believe in religion since man in flawed and imperfect. i put my faith in God, not man. I believe in God and I believe in striving to understand him. Truth resonates inside me, its sweet, and satisfying. All men are not bad, but I do not rely on their wisdom and understanding and pursuit of selfless understanding of God and truth.

“For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.”

This world is controversial like i said before. Man will believe what he wants to believe. It depends what he’s looking for. If you search for truth, and goodness, however hard that path may be, you will find it. That requires severing your desires and ego for the pursuit of Truth and righteousness as your free will enters into the equation of life.

Man has a tendency to believe in whats convenient for himself. he satisfies his pride and ego and desires with self indulgence and shortcuts and tries to escape any accountability by making himself his own God more or less ;OR man will fashion a God that suits him best. and a God isn’t necessarily a philosophy or an idol. Its anything that is a priority that suits him best as he lives his life in his own pursuit.

There are those who dont give any thought whatsoever to existence. Agnosticism. Some people dont think or may find it easier to float along life doing what they want to do in order to escape accountability for what they know.

There are those who dont challenge what they have been taught and they really dont know what they believe what they believe. happens everywhere in religion. they dont know why- but they grew up with this philosophy or faith or religion and thats that. they can be blind to truth due to pride. no one wants to be wrong they’ve vested so much in.

alright so…

jesus. that guy. i believe in him. its a challenging subject but this is what i think and my experiences have led me to believe in my search for the truth.

Faith is a matter of believing without seeing. if you put your faith in things that have little foundation you will see that they will come crashing down. they have little support. my faith in God has never let me down.

My philosophy stems from the bible. the bible never contradicts itself if you use it for good instead of for your own ends or for evil/destruction. and let me say, anything can be used for evil or destruction. fire- can create warmth and cook or burn and obliterate. water can quench thirst or we can drown. Truth can open your eyes setting you free of bondage and fear and give you hope, or you can use pieces of truth to deceive for selfish ends or destruction. The bible has changed billions of lives throughout history- from changing the hearts of the wicked or lost. The bible has also killed millions of innocent people throughout time when used wrongly in the wrong hands. Its all about Intent. If your intent is for the revealing of truth goodness righteousness and life than you will never fail and you have nothing to fear because truth is like a light that drives out darkness.

The bible as a book is sound in its intent to show man through the experiences of those who’ve done their best to understand God and the truth of life, and have succeeded through trial and error. No man is perfect and no man understands the perfect will of God. It takes a lifetime of earnestly seeking truth and never settling for anything but truth and perfection of character to refine an understanding of God. I believe God and his perfection allowed the authors and their texts, written of a span of thousands of years, to find their way to collect into a single coherent sound book that convey’s the same message beginning to end as a mean’s to save people the pain of trial and error in order to find him and understand what life is about.

Man is man. flawed and human. we have taken the book and interpreted it according to our abilities and will. The Christian churches have evolved overtime as mans ego and pride of being right entered into the equation as they tried to understand the best way to interpret it. The roman catholic saw that it meant this, the orthodox saw that it meant that. The protestants said, you are losing the point of the message in the bible, its not customs and traditions its about knowing truth and the best way to know truth is to read the word and apply it to your life. and obviously this continues as churches and people who interpret it differently move to their own congregation.

All in all the churches believe in the bible and know the truths are inescapably correct. man is flawed. and he does let his flawed reasoning and desires misconstrue the intent of the bible as a way to understand the meaning of life. Its about God. and Knowing him. and we can only know him if we know what truth is. since his will is perfect. the more we know truth, the more we know the will of God. and his plan for our life.

This is easier said then done as we live among people who are lost and searching for answers but not ready to be accountable to someone other than themselves. and answers dont pop out. you search and you will find. seek truth and you will find an overabundance of answers. seek self, seek the things of this world, materialism, things that corrode, and crack under pressure, seek the approval of people and you will never find answers that provide a foundation of joy and happiness and hope. the things of this world are temporary.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness! No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon” matt6:19

BUT the point of the bible. is to aid us in our understanding. and it takes faith to believe without seeing. but the foundation is tested and strong. If you love truth you love God.

God has a perfect will.

Jesus is an issue i could talk forever about but here’s my interpretation.

Jesus was sent by God to fulfill his will. Jesus is essentially God’s son. Human in every aspect, but totally in line with the will of God. Why Jesus, why that man, only God knows. He is perfect and flawless. He is just as capable as any other man, but he knows truth and speaks and live truth- Gods will.

Anything less than perfect cannot enter into God’s presence. Which is why we are separated from God right now. For those who honestly, earnestly seek to know God, and have accepted the duty and task of seeking truth and understanding and His will- the only way we will enter into God’s presence is to be flawless. When we die, our bodies die like every other tangible thing on earth but our soul and spirit live on eternally.
In order to live on eternally in the presence of God, after death we need to be perfect.

To solve this problem God allowed symbolism as an extension of the intent and surrender of man’s heart as an outward expression. The old traditions of the old covenant were that man would sacrifice to best of what he had as a gesture of his faith in God and his search for understanding him better. Traditionally it was something of value. In those times an unblemished lamb. The more you had, the more you gave. You were not concerned with the loss of sacrificing because you had faith that God would provide and is in control despite the contradiction of the human nature to say otherwise. This was the old covenant with man- before christ.

Human life is the most valuable thing on this earth. it has more potential and value than an living and non- living thing. God sent a perfect human to die a blameless death in a sacrificial manner for the atonement of all the sins of man that ever lived.

Christ was the new covenant with man. Faith alone will save. Not acts. Its in the heart of man. If you put your faith in God and you earnestly seek truth, and goodness and righteousness, you will be rewarded with life everlasting.

It is not easy. Like anything in life, doing good is hard and arduous, but the rewards are exponential. Like a single seed planted that brings forth a tree of fruit after seasons of labor. we are not perfect. we make mistake, but God knows our hearts. and if we just want what is right he will rewards us for the efforts.


I’ve encountered a paradox. I find that living life, and understanding life are almost impossible to do simultaneously. Yet- It is absolutely necessary to find time to do both. Lest you end up crazy, all action and no theory, or a philosopher with all theory and no action to back the claims he spent a lifetime to conjure.


i can only account for my personal experiences and do my best to relate these transient words as an expression to those whose hearts resonate in tune with mine. My experiences are filtered, then dictated to memory, through the attitude i hold to my mind- like an eyeball searching for details in a landscape through an eyeglass. The landscape is as real as the eye that beheld it. and if the eye doesn’t see through eye ware, possibly due to poor quality, how can it believe? the mind believes what it sees. not what it does not. if the mind changes the attitude in which it approaches the reality, many new details will present itself. much like changing the spectacles one wears to enhance viewing capacity.

If you have a hard time seeing through someone else’s eyes, change your attitude to an open one. Don’t be lazy or stubborn or prideful. No need to fear the unknown. get acquainted and build on your arsenal of understanding.


When i write. i only want to write from my heart. where my feelings dictate the fingers. where i enter a state of conscious unconsciousness. Time stops and my eyes pass through the screen or paper into my thoughts where i swim and skim off the top of my subconscious. My vibrations are in sync with every cell in my body. This is sometimes brief. a flash of inspiration like a white light. sometimes it lasts for hours until my attention is forces to be drawn elsewhere. I only want to write in order to let people know that someone feels like they do. i want to capture the curiosity, capture the eagerness, capture the appeal of another consciousness. or subconscious. maybe these words will replay at night in their dreams. maybe a single word i present in my productions will be the last word in a revelation to could change their life. who knows. i just want to relay and relate.


When it comes down to it you believe or you don’t. This takes faith but its the only way to experience God.

If you are not looking for God you will never find him or experience him. Its like anything in life- ‘Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.’ If you dont ask, if you dont seek, if you dont knock, you will never ever get what you want out of life. and If you dont know what you’re looking for- how are you ever suppose to find it?

You will find whatever it is you are looking for in this life if you know exactly what it is you want to find and apply consistent effort towards reaching it. some people dont give it much thought and they dont really know what they’re looking for- and as a result they live mediocre lives as circumstances toss them back and forth. There are others who take control of life- they are go getters and instead of life dictating to them their future- they dictate and design their life through applied effort and clear vision.

If you see the magnificent world around us- and you explore the wonder of it- accept that there is no chance that this perfectly sustained world we live in is a fluke in time against the very laws of nature- you can begin to explore the wonders of God.

The very opposite is true as well. If you do not believe- If you want to disprove there is a God- you can convince yourself of every conceivable flaw with his existence. You will give yourself every reason to believe otherwise. and you will mount an enormous amount of seemingly sound information to support your claim- however far from reality it may be.
(this is funny because we’re so finite, and reality is so vast and complex we could never understand God and his design so to decide that there are flaws in his being is totally mans prideful ego)
You see this all the time- people that lie to themselves to protect their ego. or just to escape accountability. this translates to our belief in God as a way to accept accountability or escape accountability. To do right is hard- to do wrong is easy.


I read this and i loved it. It applies to belief and ignorance:

“The very idea that any one creature (human) should be fortunate enough to secure some particular advantage which others, through their own indolence or indifference, have missed, is sufficient to excite the envy of the weak or the anger of the ignorant… It is impossible that an outsider should enter into a clear understanding of the mystical spiritual-nature world around him, and it follows that the teachings and tenets of that spiritual-nature world must be more or less a closed book to such a one-a book, moreover, which he seldom cares or dares to try and open. For this reason, the sages concealed much of their profound knowledge from the multitude, because they rightly recognized the limitations of narrow minds and prejudiced opinions….what the fool cannot learn, he laughs at, thinking that by his laughter he shows superiority instead of latent idiocy.” * From The Life Everlasting by Marie Corelli


But- when it comes down to it- Reality is Reality. when we die- no amount of belief will prevent what is from happening.

The beginning of wisdom is to know that you know nothing. Pride and the ego often prevents this. anyway. this applies to God as well. We will never wrap our minds around God. we will never have all the answers to justify our belief. But- you can believe and you can experience God- and that is empowering enough to make me die for my faith. To Clarify, The God I’m talking about is Perfect. He is all Truth, Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnipresent, all loving, just, and totally righteous. Any god that is not everything good and righteous is not the god but deception- either by our ego to satisfy our fleshly desires- or some other natural force that we constantly fight against in order to seek truth. Nothing Good is easy- but the rewards are exponentially greater than the hardships when reached.

anything good worthwhile endeavor, thought, ideal, or concept is like a plentiful harvest- that you slaved to till, sow, water, prune, and harvest in order to reap the bountiful fruit from the single seed. there are no shortcuts lest you be cheating yourself. same goes for life.

why are you doing?

Its always a power move. never honest. always unsaid actions. and id never want to shed light on these invisible issues. Id be laughed at and called a fool. but they exist. to you and me. and at any time you or i are vulnerable to admitting the feelings and the truth. sometimes its more innocent than others. other times its a direct act of fear, or power, or for the fuck of it. the opposite of love is indifference. not hate, or spite, or anything that is powerful enough to make you act. dont feel. thats what i do. i push it down. and it no longer becomes a catalyst in my judgment.

they either extinguish or they smolder as more kindling is added. if you aren’t careful it could erupt into a blaze, burning you from the side out. or it could stay a dormant coal your whole life. and you would remain cold. instead of gently rekindling the lovely warmth once shared or exploring new fires altogether.

but they exist. these invisible feelings. the looks. the heartbeats. the elusive behavior. you cant lie. or forget the piercing glances that etch phrases of love onto the back of my eyes. you cant call that vibe something its not. some people are so use to being dishonest with themselves they don’t know how to be honest with people. they skew their own reality. if happiness and contentment, however brief, was just an arms length away, would they grab? i wonder. i wonder if they’d tell themselves it wasn’t real. asininity. this is what a masochist endures. these brutal games of delayed gratification.

but there is hope. and the feelings were real.

i have a tendency to shy away from confrontation or downplay the actual feelings i have toward a situation. i think i fall victim to fear of my ability to recognize and address the reality of circumstances.


sometimes you realize things that you probably realized a thousand times before its just that at this moment its clearer than ever before. There is no time like right now. you will never feel like you do now about the way life is. it will never be this way again. you can never get back those lost feelings encapsulated in those cherished memories that you keep chasing after. i am not the same. you are not the same. im no longer looking for what i was looking for then. i know more and im a little wiser. i might be a little confused but that simply requires me organizing some thoughts and agendas. i cant keep passion in a little keepsake that i can go back and open when i feel like nostalgia needs to relight fading memories. it wont be the same. the touch the smell the feelings can be thought but never revamped. it makes my chest tighten and my breathing uneasy.

i miss when i was young. when i was a boy searching for happiness. on a trail with no visible end. looking for any friendly face and latching onto open arms wherever i could find them. any one that took an interest and perked my curiosity. ive never felt those feelings before. id want to explore the depths of that one. id search and search and realize that with feelings comes more than than goodness i was longing for. with love comes hurt and now i think that alot of those feelings that invoked such a curiosity, wounded me more than they taught something valuable. im more protective than ever before. those memories subliminally remind me that sometimes you dont need to go out of your way to explore every feeling. some are better left unfelt. lest i hurt more.

whatever the case. sometimes i feel like i cant recapture the hope i once felt for such passions. thats a horrible feeling. sometimes i feel like i found my only well and i dried it up. it has little left to offer my quench. when i come to this point i sort of laugh at myself. i feel so childish. in no way am i over. there is a world that can only be found if hope exists. why would i give up hope. ha. silly me. as long as im hopeful i know that i will find the electrifying excitement i get when i touch another soul. the level of cleverness and wit that you experience with another. when the hearts are mended for brief intervals and it totally makes you smile. they feel what you feel. thats powerful.


When my beliefs and understandings of classic objectives/aims are in conflict or in debate with another’s precepts for the sake of the ego. or me just babbling.

“Scaling the depths of my thoughts I often extract unobvious agendas for my active convictions. These convictions are skeptically accepted by company inarguably flawed as human. As is my aim and to those in earnest search of perfection: To be judged rightly by convictions within, without questioning the ebb and flow of public opinion as a measure of righteousness, while in the benevolent pursuit of applying ideals to ensure no ignorance unturned where there be truth. This is an attempt to transcribe the essence of communicating these anthropomorphic values, qualified as imperfect in nature, by capturing every thought and articulating its purpose with an ulterior cognizant in mind.
I examine a dilemma in comprehending a joint understanding between multiple consciousnesses and a single aim. If the communion called as a result of common ends, then what matters the system of arrival? Joining precepts requires understanding that we are equivocally operating under the same mechanics of human nature and abide fundamentally by the logics that are rooted in that nature. When purveying my arsenal for justification, I often shift consciousness, swimming in the shallow murky waters of public opinion so that I may test their tact before I commit my story to publication. (It’s operating this concept that I humor myself while I swim in the waters among the inane affected. I find certain satisfaction arise from counting on their predictable logic and flawed defense.) There is little reason to leave true intentions open for debate: Like casting pearls among swine, it does the animals no good. Egotistic perceptions tend to be the source of prevailing pride and opposition; always ending in a clamor of criticism or judgment where there is no single victor: and no victor would win. To win understanding, one must not battle ego with ego, but stroke the ego of the conflicting conscious into a state of swollen pride, inevitably bursting into prideful humility. This is when an alternative solution can be supposed and recognized by him, no matter if it was your suggestion or not. Knowing the ego allows a personalized map of the enemies defenses. Acquiring it comes when one is in honest good relation with his own flesh and desires as human; yet divorces from the contract with self-preservation in order to purify intentions and direct attention towards the selfless goal of righteous agenda. An agenda is only as sound as the resonating certainty laid on each syllable allocated to thier claim; dually therefore I do state my intent and leave my means as an afterthought so that they may further state themselves through success. Often I wonder if my assumptions are as true as I percieve true. I assume truth to be an assimilation of every intent and purpose begetting wholesome fruit that would be edible and exchangeable to anyone who was hungry for life abundantly.
There are ways of leading one to believe something contrary to the truth and there are those eager to lead; contrary truth is what you choose to see, always in direct line with the ego. This is deception and whether it works in favor or not, the power to convince is empowering enough. Once a conscious is convinced, and the ego is made full, it is laziness that opens the door for the same attack which indelibly leads to failure and destruction.”

I heard “I don’t need positive reassurance for trivial circumstances that borough their way into my life. Just when you think I’ve got a heart I turn a cheek and you never knew me. Don’t look into my eyes like you know the depths of my soul. I would tell you what the transgressions led my soul to scream but they are hardly a road map to my heart, nor an excuse to call me by name. There is a door and it opens one way.”
: I burn with passion when I watch the insensate egos of those who hold themselves in high esteem try to assimilate their brief knowledge of an individual like myself and condemn them to comparison with their own wretched soul, selling their conscious the idea that another is as prone to the evils in their depths as they are evil enough to dream. These preconceived seedlings and their azoic hosts will be treated as chaff and waste when ceremonies of worth are held on any judgment day.
: To unlock the fervor of my spirit you must come to me in my dreams and speak to me in my heart. ”

Its hard to say what really motivates these agendas. I only submit when there’s little left to surrender and even then my pride eludes the grasp of consequence.

happy play

Hm. today was relatively pleasant. i worked the majority of the day. and i arrived home around seven-ish. i felt good. i read a good portion of my book while at work. it was a good feeling. it inspired me. i got home to a family dinner. i caught it at the very end, but it was just as pleasant. i ate some. and feeling lively i took to the idea of running at the beach. or on ocean blvd. i figured i could run for half hour or forty five minutes and catch the play “Pericles” by Shakespeare, preformed by Shakespeare at the sea productions at Carlin park. at any rate my run was very invigorating. i ran good and hard and worked up a loss of breath. eventually i got back to the play, i was only ten minutes late, and i pulled out my big beach blanket and unfurled it on the utmost hill looking over the performance. there was a eleemosynary breeze, a rolling zephyr, that caught my senses. it felt amazing. i laid on my back and extended my arms into the air as if to catch it, or hold it for a brief moment. i felt it streaming through my fingers like soft silk. it was perfect. it was funny. in the distant beyond the performance, lightning dashed softly from cloud to cloud, illuminating the heavens in a soothing spectacle. i just breathed deep and opened my eyes and ears to the words of the 16th century poet and playwriter, allowing his deep words to fall meaningful upon my ears. my night was relaxing. i need to find someone who enjoys the same idiosyncrasies of life as i do.


i just want beauty. i dont want it scarred or slaughtered- marred or trampled. I dont want it second hand. i want novel original unscathed freshly birthed beauty like a clandestine ray of perfection that would devinely find its way into my eye and into my mind. i want to hold it in my hand pristine, untouched. the memories are the only thing i cannot run far enough from. no matter how many i make they are there when the joy settles and the euphoria clears. i want beauty in my hand. i want to touch it and hold it and i want it to hold me back. i would do anything to take back the mistakes that taint the loving purity it once beheld in my mind. now its nothing more than the twinkle in my eye. i am haunted by images of fear and confusion and lashing impulses that i later would die to take back. and some people hold these things so dear to them and others drop these memories the moment they have no more use for them. i wish i could drop them. Then i would hold it in my hand once more.

Gin Blossoms

I heard this song and i loved it:

Gin Blossoms – Hey Jealousy

Well tell me do you think it’d be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I’m in no shape for driving
Anyway I’ve got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I’d ever had
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomarrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it’s place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don’t expect to much from me
You might not be let down

Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomarrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it’s place
Hey Jealousy

Tomarrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it’s place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

Well tell me do you think it’d be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I’m in no shape for driving
And anyway I’ve got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I’d ever had
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomarrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it’s place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You know she took my heart
Well there’s only one thing I couldn’t start


i remember being a kid. at heart. not necessarily a child. i remember when i thought about everything but me. i was happy. and i was curious. and i was loving. and willing to accept everyone. i liked people. and i liked those girls who happened to get me even more curious when they touched my world and perked my interests. i would be consumed with playing in my mind. whatever the activity- it was something personal in my mind. i was setting off fireworks tonight. i met these girls. we were on top of a penthouse on a skyscraper. dozens of firework displays were dazzling across the horizon. it was romantic. i was laughing at the funny quaintness of things. these girls. they were nice. and they complimented my night. i sat next to one. i wanted to know her. i was free with my thoughts and my speech. there was no one to impress. she laughed at me and i smiled at her. i entertained the thought. its funny. i was surprising myself with my mood and my clean mind. she liked my wit and charm. and it was for no one but the goodness of the night. i wasn’t holding myself back or pushing myself too hard. i was pleasant. i dunno.

tonight was nice. and i miss being young hearted. i soo serious. im sooo intense. i overthink and overtry. and overfeel. and geeze. i love letting go with my best foot forward. my heart is light 🙂

No color

at this point in my life i have no room for color. as much as i want to paint to picture with vivid emotions and colors im forcing myself to wait. i need to engineer myself a life first. no play. no love. no feelings. ill keep the ones that i get from accomplishments and successes but other than that i cant seem to find a good reason to allow any of my energy to be wasted with those things that come and go. those short lived pursuits of happiness. little fits of feelings. no. id rather not have them lead me. i can make myself a good life. get all my thinking out of the way now before i retreat to the depths and arteries of love.

in my dreams

The stone paver’s wind around the courtyard chasing the edges of the retreating wild grass. tentacles of ivy sprawl up the moss covered bricks. deep reds enmeshed into the brickwork keep a distinction between the natural hues of deep natural greens and rustic browns. the sloppy mortar, frozen in time, gushes between the cracks of the wall. Vicious yellow rays streak across the yard, inflaming every blade of grass it trips over in pure radiance. I look towards the house. As if it grew right out of the earth The slate roof has wildflowers growing out of the gutter. White trim lines the corners and wraps around the perimeter. The old white shutters swing half open in the cool breeze. The old glass panes reflect the strong summer light. I squint and breath in the scent of natural unblemished landscape. My eyes wander to the corners of the yard and take their place on a vine covered lattice situated in front of a garden erupting with colors. The garden itself looked like it was alive. it teemed with butterflies and bumblebees. i smiled and closed my eyes.

I walked towards a path. Shoots of flowers bunched together according to their color. the ground is soft under my bare feet. i walked a short distance to the lake. there was a dock that extended into the water. it was old and probably built a long while ago. the lake itself was serene with the slightest lapping of water on the shoreline. at the end was a small row boat. it was painted white but badly weathered. Worn and peeling, it was speckled in its true wood tone. i let out a forced sigh. the end of my sigh felt empty. where is she? i picked up an acorn and walked to the end of the dock. i wound up and threw it as far as i could. it silently plopped into the water off in the distance. the ripples hurriedly ran outwards until disappearing into the lake. i continued to stare at the ripples until they were no more. i sat down and hung my feet over the end of the dock. tiny water insects danced on the water below me. my legs dangled. i swung them back and forth as they danced to my heart. i leaned back on my hands and admired the blue sky. no. not blue. thats not the justice something this beautiful deserves. its more than a color. the feeling when you look at a brilliance that melts the insides of your heart so slowly and softly that you barely know its melting until you smile. the way the moisture in the sky climbs towards the heavens and forms these cotton clouds and they drift so happily along. stretching across the sky like they’re just waking up, but they never do. i let my own mind drift off awhile. i thought about meaning and life and the forces of gravity and contrasts. Weighing good and bad, righteous and evil. I thought about different pains and decisions and efforts and beauties and details and hearts and charming faces and all things relative. my god. for every spectacle of joy- why does the mind have such painfully dark equal corner? i guess its where you spend your time looking. im alone in this beautiful world. in the corner. im huddled. i continue to think to myself. all you need is courage. you need to fight for what is right and good. and its easy to lie down and die. to give up the fight. it takes effort to get up seek the better things of the heart. i feel a tug in my chest. my heart is weak. i abandoned those thoughts. they are nothing but trivial. i need only to dwell on things according to my love and hope, and there my thoughts will be planted. i smirked. i felt happy.

i opened my eyes. the sun started setting over the mountains. a pink tint began bleeding into the blue. it gently touched the tips of the giant clouds bathing in a row. i got up, walked the length of the dock back to shore and followed the shaded path until i arrived to the courtyard. it was still warm. the breeze was high and distant among the trees. i looked toward the open wrought iron gates that led to the street. soft wisps floated delicately in the air. i felt my heart nudge. i stopped and turned to the house. my eyes softened and examined its genuine appeal. i wanted to bring this home with me. the house. it looked like a childhood memory dreamed up for a fond book. The entrance of this lively castle was a giant oak door that hung on the tiniest of hinges. it had a small glass window just above a large brass knocker with words engraved in a poetic font that read “love”. it was slightly green with corrosion. mystical though. not resisting i turned towards the door and made my way up the brick stairs and patio. i placed my hand on the cold iron knob.

The door creaked open before i turned the knob. i stepped back in hesitation as the door whined open. my eyes froze. a young girl inched out from behind the door. Blonde locks softly moved across her face- containing beautiful features so feminine and cheeks so delicate. eyes of blue pearls caught the light from behind her long lashes. they were eager yet shy.Her soft lips were plush and moist. she wore a white blouse trimmed in an ornate lace. her chest was slightly exposed and her feet were bare with the exception of a small trinket on her ankle. she was bronzed and i was quiet. she was the most beautiful young woman i had ever seen. she was the woman in my dreams. my heart was fleeting upwards into my throat. i tried to say something but it was only a thought. she stepped toward me and grabbed my hand, never letting her eyes off mine. her skin was soft. my heart began to beat hard. she looked deep and hard exploring the intentions of my soul. I loved her. she leaned her head on my shoulder and pressed her chest against mine. i wrapped my arms around her engulfing her with love. its been a long time since i felt so helpless.

this is what i think

you know what. i used to have so little faith in myself. i thought i was a failure. i thought i just lacked what it took in this world to be great. i just considered myself special as an individual but i never realized how i could possible excel and contribute. the past year ive changed tremendously.

my whole metaphysical system for understanding what it means to be successful has been totally redone. it started with me failing high school. then me being a drug addict. then me losing a girl i loved with all my heart that it hurt and what hurt more was my inadequacy, because she deserved the best and i wasn’t. and i had to give her up in my mind because if i loved her i wouldn’t want to be a burden for someone that special. anyway.

i eventually sorta gave up, got kicked outta my house and was homeless for awhile. it was then, when i realized i would die or be a totally depressed unhappy bum if i didnt take responsibility for my thoughts and actions did i start exploring how to be successful. i started reading books, and the first book i picked up changed my life. “as a man thinketh” by james allen. i never even read prior to that book. i read it and it changed my view of the potential inside me that was crying out to be tapped. ever since ive continued reading books by the most successful people in the world and i never thought i could read so me or have so much ambition and positive hope for myself and my future.

failure is not an option to stop. i realized it simply became a stepping stone to success. you fail at something, you just dont do it that way again. otherwise youd be insane (doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results) instead you try try again reading and thinking about how to to it better and you will succeed. there are alot of tools and understanding ive aquired as the priciple foundations for success. anyway. anyway. i went back to highschool with a renewed spirit, got my degree, looked at colleges, read books, found landmark, readup on it, thought it sounded amazing, applied and paid for all those fees and here i am. i swear im so excited to get challenged, esp in an environment where they understand my frustrations i face with ADD and my mind. cause i don’t operate like the norm, and throughout high school and prior i thought i was just a crazy lunatic who was too scatterbrained and not focused enough to really make progress. i know now i can.

i think about that girl and it hurts so bad but i tell you whenever i feel lazy or contemplate procrastinating i think about her and how much it hurt to feel like a failure and now worthy enough for her. i expect much from myself. i want to give the world to her. and its not so much her as it is someone that i will have those feelings for again in the future. its extremely painful to let go of something you love more than anything. it motivates me to read dozens and dozens of books on dozens of subjects and get up early and go to the gym and do errands and be creative and just my the best person i can be. we all have unlimited potential its up to each of us in this lifetime to realize the potential. only then can be possibly tap into it.

i realize i am who i am and im ok with that. i will succeed and reach all of my goals so long as i have goals. goals are huge. without them we wander aimlessly in life. we need to know where to set the bar and what we’re working for and applying our efforts towards. the only thing more fulfilling than accomplishing a goal is the thought of the possibility of accomplishing it. its so invigorating. the challenge is like a reservoir of satisfaction waiting to be tapped. ah. so anyway. i want to prove to myself that i can be as successful as i think i can. it aint for the degree. it aint for the money. its about learning and adding to my knowledge and understanding. every accomplishment builds confidence towards the next even more challenging endeavor.

looking forward to catching up at school. we have the potential to do whatever our mind can come up with however amazing. “whatever the mind of a man can conceive and believe, the mind of a man can achieve.”-napoleon hill. you gotta think big and be positive and just on every opportunity to overcome a challenge or a fear. i got some good books ill introduce you to. ultimately, its what you want from this life and yourself. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” so true. problem is we don’t ask, and we don’t seek, and we don’t pursue. anyway.

this place is awesome. its built for people like me. they have all the right teachers and resources to tap into for help and encouragement. and from here, if I utilize everything available to us, we can go on to any higher more challenging institution for learning we choose. its exciting.

i like all music. my friends got me into the hardcore scene. not a huge fan of country yet, just doesnt do it for me, and rap and r&b is aight. hiphop a little more perferable. i dont get into any music scene tho. i tend to go with what speaks to my emotions at the time. anyway.