Dream Machine

A breeze flushes through the white columns upholding the latticed portico. Luscious green grass extends from the edge of the ceramic white stone. An azure pool, illuminated like sapphire stone, sinks in the geometric center of the long lawn. Towards the distant end of the rolling mall, dunes appear and continue for as long as the eye could see; their caliginous outline grips the horizon. Only a black stitching fractures the ceramic sand, and pale smoke rises from these tracks as an engine makes its way across the dry desert ocean. The bleating sun pulls moisture from my forehead. It sucks water from vegetation. The sprinklers reside in the earth, waiting for night to douse life into the struggling greenery.

“George,” my mother said “you need to get a handle on your loans. We’re no longer supporting you. Your uncle refuses to enable you any longer. What you need is good habits, and this will teach you to be wise with your money.”

A winding wind whips my cheek and I look up at my mother seated on her white weathered chair. She sits at a glistening crystalline table with a glass of wine perched casually in her left hand, rotated away from her. Her head is bent slightly forward and both eyes are waiting for me to respond. Blonde hair drapes gently across her brow and shivers softly in the hot humid breeze.

I turn and continue gazing beyond the green grass, over the blue pool, into the dry dunes. My gaze finds a setting sun. It is enlarged, engorged with fiery haze. Ribbons of heat ripple across its fading face.

My mother continues talking, “George. Do you hear me?” She is drunk with delusion. The heat had gotten to her, and the cruel cult she has been attending has left her utterly detached from reality. The wine softens her delusion, but her world still remains different from mine, still remains hers.

I stand from my chair and walk down the marble stairs and onto the green grass. I hear my mothers voice straining to gain my attention, growing red with irritation. I pretend not to hear. I don’t hear. My thoughts are with my uncle. I want to kill him. I want to kill him by escaping, by killing the idea of him, by fleeing forever. My feet reach the dry sand and I feel the heat penetrate through my shoes. I step and the sand absorbs my sinking shoe. I trudge on.

Moments pass and my eyes open and I am gripping a smooth obsidian-like stone situated on a rail car. Both my arms wrap around its gun metal gray polished exterior. A long line of rail road cars are loaded with these stones. The landscape streams past me and my balance is thrown. I adjust my knees. Suddenly I see my uncle climbing up a ladder; my heart grows cold, goes wretchedly resentful, like a punch in the stomach, but in the chest. It pains. I move away from him. The train is moving quickly. I eyeball the earth to calculate the trajectory of my landing, to measure the magnitude of my fall. Not now.

“George!” he yells. His voice contains a streak of sentiment, of desperation. His eyes furrow and squint, holding back emotion, but too cold to mean it. “Come back! Come back down here: you need to come home!” He yells against the wild wind. It howls past my ears. His words are biting and meaningless. My eyes narrow and I lift my arm and extend my phallic middle finger into the air and yell, “Fuck you!”

I am unsurprised when he accepts defeat. A mutual emotional silence hangs in the air and I sense a shrug in his eyes that says, “Well, I’ve done all I can do. He’s on his own now.” I resent him for his meager attempt to contact me. Why can’t I be on my own with my family? Why must I be apart of something and lose my will in the process? Why can’t we acheive a respectful balance of opinion? “Fuck you.” I say again, and leap from the moving railroad. I brace myself for impact.

I wake. Darkness envelopes my senses. My eyes adjust to the ceiling.

More Time

‘To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive, and the true success is to labour.’
— Robert Louis Stevenson

Sometimes people will look down on the wanderers, saying they have no direction. I laugh at these people. I would rather travel everywhere and arrive nowhere, than travel somewhere just to arrive there and there alone. How bland. I would rather my cup overflow with experience than fill it up once and savor it drop by drop while never knowing anything else.

Although, I can see how it cuts both ways. Direction is good. Arriving is good. What gets me is ‘settling’. Or thinking that there is one direction, one path, one way, that we deem best or best for us. We are infinite creatures. Thus, we are strangers to ourselves. Experience is the best mirror for showing us to ourselves. Better yet, experience that was unplanned, uncharted, unexpected, and- best of all- uncomfortable! Only then are we given the opportunity to grow- or whither if we choose to shirk.

There is no ‘arrive’. Let’s discard this notion. Success is the continual realization of a worthy ideal. Who said you need just one? Can’t I have many? I want them all! Too bad my time is limited. It forces me to make choices; or, more specifically, sacrifices. But choices are good. They are a reflection of our selves, our values: the culmination of past experiences that have shaped and molded my present being.

Reflexivity. Second-order cybernetics. Now that’s an interesting study.


So. There are about 7 billion people on this earth. How can you make a difference? How can you make change and lasting impact? I know not everyone wants these things, but I do. You have one life, ONE LIFE. Then you die. Sure, you can talk about afterlife and the like, but the bottom line is, we have one life. This life. What makes ours any more unique or worthwhile than the other billions of people? I don’t want to pursue the masses and their meek or grandiose delusions. God. It’s so damn easy to adopt the cultural imprints we’ve been handed. It requires no thought. We touch a flame, we get burned. We learn. We do something a certain way, we’re told that’s wrong. We learn. But why don’t people challenge their behaviors more often? blah. Same ol’, same ol’. There’s utility in doing what we’ve always done, I suppose. But I need to get deeper into this issue. Need to study Path Dependence.

“The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a wide-spread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible”
—Bertrand Russell

Tomorrow I’m gonna read and study and write a lot. I have a lot of thoughts that need hashing.

I have a pet peeve: People who don’t communicate well. More precisely, people who refuse to communicate and fail to seek mutual understanding or compromise through dialog. I guess we don’t really need to communicate to everyone about everything. We can pick and choose our battles.  But I guess I’m referring to the people with ego or pride issues. They refuse to compromise because it freightens the shit outta them. It’s like it reveals a chink in their egos armor, a devastating weakness that leaves them vulnerable. Drop the ego, dammit. Or, if you’re gonna keep it, be confident enough to retain a sense of self that doesn’t vaporize every time it’s challenged.

That’s the other thing: The best way to win an argument is to avoid it. The best way to win a fight is to choose fights you can win. You want to beat a competitor? Do it on your own terms, not on theirs. Look at all the successful companies and people in the world. They were revolutionary and they succeeded because of it. They were not successful because they beat someone at their own game. These people rarely get the same acclaim and recognition as someone who dictates their own battles and rules of the game. I think of apple. There are so many companies who can do what apple does, but apple did it first.  Or Microsoft, or GE, or any great company or philosopher or leader. You can’t very well be a leader in anything if you are pursuing a standard someone else set. You can’t beat them at their own game. Everyone else becomes a sad copy, a weak imitation, no matter how great or hard they try. BUT, it’s often the case that if you want to make your own rules you must first master the existing rules.


“Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify, simplify! Simplicity of life and elevation of purpose.”
-Henry David Thoreau

I need to simplify! My thoughts, my goals, my life. And ELEVATE a purpose, make it the sole and central focus of my life!

Advance Confidently in the Direction of Your Dreams

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favour in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”
-Henry David Thoreau


I had a dream about her again. Amazing as usual. It was back to the way it use to be. Euphoria saturated my senses with every touch. Our noses and cheeks would brush against each other unleashing wave after wave of feelings only described as love. To hold each other was to reject everything in the world at that moment. It was as if we were never apart. Years later, and the feelings inside never departed.

She texted me the other night. I bought her a journal when we first met. She texted me to tell me she was reading it, and that it was weird. I could relate. A few months ago I read my old journals from about four years ago. I had a hard time relating to that person. Young and naive- but I learned from it. I explained that we were young and in love… or thats how I like to remember it. Confused and in love.

Is it strange that I think of her almost daily? And its been four years? I believe shes been with a few boyfriends since us. I see her at least once a year… and each time I think that the effect she has on me has diminished since last time… but it hasn’t. The feelings remain the same as the first day I laid eyes on her. Since our first conversation that confirmed everything I felt about her, those feelings have never waned. Now, what to do about those feelings… that was always the tough part. She explained that we were intense. Intense wasn’t the word. Passion so potent that it lit our hearts on fire. To hold, to touch, to be in their presence was more than enough to satisfy any discontent in the world.

Alas. I made the decision back in the day that I was more destructive in trying to figure out what to do with these feelings than constructive. With her well being in mind, I made the choice to cut off any emotional attachment and slowly reprogrammed myself to think on other things. Quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… and it never really worked because here I am, four years later, thinking about her.

But I am forever indebted to her. The simple love we shared in my youth has been enough to propel me through any challenges I’ve been met with since. I have raised myself from a pit and have hurled myself toward dreams that are as wild as our unbridled passion. She has forever granted me the power to feel powerfully if I choose to.

I acknowledge that it is highly whimsical to believe that there will ever be a future between us. Very improbable… but not impossible. But what she has given me is hope. She has shown me feelings I could never have imagined possessing in my life. I believe, in my deepest of hearts, that I am capable of feeling that again… with or without her. I will find another to share the passion with.

In the meantime, I will create myself to be the person a girl like her rightfully deserves… in character and action and virtue….

PUKE. Fortunately I’m callous and emotionally void so I really can’t believe any of this garbage.

waking morning.

Beads of sweat roll down my face. My hair is matted and sticking to my forehead. My breathing is heavy. My heart is beating. I’m calm but raging. Our skin touches and sticks. I feel powerfully weak. I swallow hard on top of my heavy breathing. The covers are stuffy. It’s bright. Light fills the room. I sigh and breathe in deeply. She smells like fresh flowers. A euphoric satisfaction clothes me.
I point my toes and stretch my legs, curling and bending, arching my back and twisting my neck as I reach up. She rests her head on my chest and wraps her legs around me. I stare at the ceiling and wonder about my day. Totally comfortable and content. Totally. These feelings override any and all tendencies to over think. Life is simple in these moments. Frozen in the here and now and the future seems so hopeful and bright. If I could capture these moments and open them in my more knotted days. They would untangle everything.
Those butterflies. They’re perched on my heart. Swimming in that thick fluid in my chest cavity. Feelings. Emotions. They sometimes come up into my throat but I push them back down and they flutter some more. The window breeze fills the room and my skin chills with the sweat. She pulls herself even closer. I can see her thinking. Blinking. I can feel her breathing. Her warmth emanating. I’m keeping her safe. She’s keeping me warm. It’s a safe feeling of warmth. I can feel her toes dancing along her feet playfully entranced with mine. It’s a bright day. Still morning but bright. Cool. Sharp. Colorful. Full on contrast. That’s how I feel.

Life as a mountain

There are going to be obstacles in life and temptations. They never ever leave. i struggle. you struggle. we all struggle. you make it easier and easier for yourself by getting into the habit of doing the right thing no matter what the circumstance, no matter what the excuse. It starts with your choices and decisions. It’s important to get into the habit of making the right choices according to what you know to be right and according to how it will help benefit you and your life and daily goals. This is how i see it, and its a reality we all face if we choose to:
Life is like a race to the top of a mountain. The goal is to get to the top as quickly and efficiently as possible. The finish line offers us unlimited rewards for whatever desire our creative vision synthesizes in our mind. Everyone is human, as capable as the man next to him. Everyone starts at the bottom with equal choices. During the journey everyone takes their own individualized path. There are people who, do to their desire to succeed, put thought into the race and tend to follow the paths others have taken because they see the success of that road. There are those who blaze their own trail into the unknown obstacles that wait, for good or for worse. Some take easy paths, some take hard paths, some paths require skill and patience, some are a walk in the park. During the race you can maintain any speed you want. You can run fast and hard, keeping your eyes focused on the top of the mountain coupled with a mind consciously visualizing the finish line, the prizes and rewards that wait for him who desires it most. There are others that run slow, or walk, some even stop and sit. Some keep their eyes ahead on the finish line but lack urgency. They think they have all the time in the world. Right now they’d rather relax and enjoy their youth and energy. They laugh at everyone laboring and sweating to get their first and even detract others from their goal, convincing them their way is better. Those who want to succeed badly enough pay no attention to those going any slower them. They are only concerned with those who are going up and quickly, always eager to learn something from those who are a little quicker and more skilled so that their arsenal of weapons and tools against the inevitable obstacles will allow for quick victory over challenges so that they can continue on their journey. The people who lack urgency unfortunately, never progress, and never get any closer to the top. As time passes it gets harder as their energy and inspiration fleet away with every passing day. They’ve gotten themselves into the routine of doing enough to get by, complacent and content with their surroundings and the little things in life. It’s sad to see these ignorant people wander aimlessly through life. Sometimes they forget they’re even in a race. They choose to enjoy the scenery and the ‘good things in life’ really forgetting the amazing rewards at the top, paying little thought to time as they get older and it gets harder, until its too late. As time passes the prizes are won and the vitality of the well spring of opportunity begins to dry up. They look around, and they see the people at the top that persevered, happy, relaxing due to their diligence, focus, and perseverance. They are forced to settle for what they got. They blame the world and circumstances, never accepting responsibility as they make endless excuses for themselves. The race is won one step at a time. Every moment you aren’t thinking about the race is a moment in time you’ll never get back, and it gets harder and harder as the older you get and the chances get fewer and fewer. You need to answer some questions before you begin your race. What? How? And the most important driving force- Why? The ‘what’ is the knowledge required to pilot you as a vessel. This constructs the vision you have for yourself and the capabilities you can handle. Answering questions paints a vivid picture in your mind of the life you’re capable of living. It provides goals worthy of aspiration. What’s it going to take to get me where I want to go? What kind of race would you like to run? What kind of rewards are you striving for? What path should I take? What would help me get there sooner? What tools am I going to require as I encounter obstacles and challenges that ill need to overcome as I strive for success? The ‘how’ is the skill required to complete tasks effectively and efficiently. It’s the rudder that will guide you as vessel to your destination effectively. By asking ‘how’, you provide yourself with answers that take the cumulative knowledge and understanding you’ve gathered through asking what, and capitalize on the using the best tools and knowledge for the right job. How will I reach my goal? How will I overcome this obstacle? How can I be the best? It’s not necessarily all about what you know; it’s how you use what you know. It offers precision to every thought. Finally, the most importantly driving force behind anything you do as a person is discovered by asking ‘why?’ Why do the right thing? Why am I running so hard? Why am I being so disciplined? Why learn this? Why read that? Why know all this stuff? The ‘why’ is the inspiration and motivation needed to get you to where you want to go. Without answering this question the desire to be great and do great is nonexistent. Knowing why offers desire and a chance to grow as a person exponentially. It’s the fuel that drives you as a vessel to wherever you want to go in life.
You cannot run before first learning to walk. You need to take one step at a time, after you take ten steps, what’s stopping you from taking ten more? After walking ten miles, who says you can’t walk ten more? After running ten miles, why can you run ten more? With every step you take and every mile you travel you are building a confidence to do more and go farther. Don’t get ahead of yourself and expect amazing results immediately. Don’t judge a day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you sow. It starts with small disciplines until they’re mastered and the confidence for more will come.
You need to cast away any thought, any vice, any person, anything- that would hinder you from achieving your all and reaching your goals. You can’t afford to waste any time and mental energy on anything else but things that are beneficial and constructive you’re your life. There is no fear, no anxiety, no worry, no doubt- that should keep you from moving forward and doing your best. Act on what you know and work daily to achieve life goals. When you know what’s right and you do what you know to be wrong you make it harder for yourself. You slowly loose faith and confidence in yourself to succeed. Action is the only thing that gets results. You need to act on what you know to be right if you expect life to improve. It’s not wise to let yourself do something you know isn’t going to help you out in life or in your progress. Then again if you don’t have goals and reasons for doing right and making decisions that would benefit you, its easy to rationalize the choices you make based on how you feel about it today.

What you need to do is really think about where you want to be in life. Then set goals for yourself so you know what your working toward and how and why. If you don’t give it any thought, no one will. No one can do more for yourself than you. Don’t lie or rationalize the realities of life. They’ll be there whether you think they’re there or not. Life will move on without you. You cheat no one but yourself by doing nothing and making excuses. Don’t know where to start? What do you want out of life? Get a vision of the best things you’ve realistically ever imagined. How are you going to get there? Learn and absorb from those going and doing where you want to go and what you want to do. Read their books. Only concern yourself with those going up, unless where you are is alright.