Okay is Not Okay

I am hungry. Change needs to happen. Radical change. But not overnight. Persistence. Goals. Visions. Chipping away. Focus. I have been trying to become so pained by my situation, that I am forced to act on the tasks necessary to achieve.

I am hungry. I don’t want to be lazy. I don’t want to be okay. Okay is okay for a lot of people. I just would rather die than know my life was average… or just… okay. What’s special about that? And the only one that can change it is me. People have average lives, just coast, never commanding their best talents and energies and imagination… by being okay. By rationalizing. By embracing comfort, as if it’s something to aspire do. We will die someday. The thought that my life resembled a vegetable, just waiting to fall off the vine and rot, is revolting. I don’t want okay. I don’t want to know that my genetic material persisted for billions of years just to be okay. I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to get by. I want to feel the weight of the world, and bear it. I want it to make me stronger, and the key is figuring out ways to overcome my weak flesh, my desire to be okay.. to seek equilibrium. But I want growth. I want to struggle upwards, and outwards.

I don’t want to be dull and insipid. I want to have a maniacal vision, and fight for it. What is the point of life? What is divine about marching towards death with the crowds?

I just want to know my spirit and soul bore some worthwhile challenge. Whether it was thrust upon me, or chosen by me. It must happen. I cannot allow myself to just be okay.

The human spirit is so resilient.

We underestimate our ability.

We must always force ourselves to go to failure, to go to the limit. That’s the only way we grow. That’s the only way we test our strength and build our character.

And my character is what I will impress upon the world, my children, my friends.

Character is the only legacy we have. The effects of which live on forever.

I just do not want to get comfortable. Ever.


What does it take to be the best? There are identifiable behavioral patterns of winners, no matter what realm you’re in. Politics. Sports. Business. Celebrity. Whatever. The best of the best are straight killers. They fight. They risk. They learn. They are fearless. They work their ass off. They always get back up. They are focused. They want more and more. They operate on another level, with standards far higher than their mortal comrades. No one but other achievers understand their maniacal zeal for achievement, for domination. They are alpha, they give more, sacrifice more, take more responsibility than any one else. They risk it all. They are fearless. Pure killers. Surgical. They don’t think. They are creatures of instinct. They act. They do. Stress and pain are their fuel, not their foe. They execute. They have a dark side that is their home. Where they are all alone, where they desire nothing but domination, of their body, of their competitors, or their goals. They get up, again and again. They rise to the top, and find out ways to stay there, by any means possible. They psyche themselves out. It’s life and death, always. It all matters, all the time. They love control. They control everything. Every detail. This is how they win. They only compete with themselves. They use their emotions, whatever emotion necessary, to win. Their emotions never use them. They are always in control. They compete with no one. They act, they do, they execute. They are pure animalistic instinct, developed by situations and years of trauma and struggle. They don’t over analyze. They love knowing all the possibilities, but approach with no plan. Their plan is to win, by any means necessary. Whatever it takes.



Oh lord.

Lot has happened. I moved to California November 2016. I’m living in Belmont, CA now…

Currently laying in bed as I type this. I read about someone having a pen pal and remembered you wrote me back! 1.5 years later lol.

I’m working at Panasonic doing industrial automation sales. I took 4 hits of LSD Saturday and had a hellavu trip. Was… refreshing? Eye opening? I feel more at peace. Spoke to my dad about some issues for the first time ever, and we’re working through them.

I’ll write more when I’m not on my phone, but that’s the gist.

Existentially, I’m still wrestling with higher meaning. I read an essay by Kant on enlightenment that resonated me. What stops man from being enlightened is immaturity, is lack of resolve. I tend to think this is true.

I wish I wrote more, or wrote more thoroughly. Somewhere along the way I feel as though I lost my inner voice, where my inner narrative lost its perspective. All my thoughts are consumed in a soup of relativism. They’ve lost their edge, so it seems. What’s important, what’s worth saying, framing, narrating? It seems to come out when I talk to people one on one, but it’s more difficult to write it out, to myself.

Suicide, Celebrity, Selfishness

Why are suicide rates at such highs? Antony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, and many others.

My theory is it’s isolation, it’s egocentricity, it’s selfishness, it’s a culture that celebrates and glorifies the self. And selfishness is the source of all suffering. The self. Narcissism. It makes you mental when your reality is consumed with nothing but yourself. Me me me. It’s empty. That’s the abyss. That’s the hopelessness. When life is all about you. And celebrityism is all about that. And in our modern age, everyone is becoming or can become a mini celebrity.

Happiness is about quality relationships.

There are so many studies, so many stories, so much that backs this up.

Being others focused.

Being “connected”. Spiritually speaking, to others, to nature, to the present.

No one has to leave their house. We do everything online. Social life for many people is a sad abstraction. We shop online. We watch entertainment online. We socialize online. Everything is online. It’s isolating. These celebrities are not immune to it. Relationships are a give and take.

I think a major reason AA is successful is because it creates community… which gives people support, love, accountability.

People who are lacking that are driven to feel good in other ways

About Time, Mental Models

My life has stabilized for the first time in a long time. And I shouldn’t say stabilize as if its a past tense, since its a continual stabilization that is occurring, and stabilizing, happening day to day, as I right myself toward convicted aims.

I’ve been overwhelmed in recent years, by the magnitude of possibility, and the seeming inability to have patience for the wisdom that comes from eliminating all possibilities to a single focus, and pursuing that, with the idea that experience and answers will follow.

There’s a biting urge to hesitate, and over analyze when evaluating options.

I’m working in industrial automation again, targeting the biotech/lab automation industry, robotics, and packaging. I like my team, I like my work, and I like my customers. There’s ripe dysfunction within the organization at the moment, but that’s okay. Growing pains. Our objective is to almost double growth in two years. There are plenty of dysfunctional organizational practices at the moment, and I see myself as the change agent, who will lead from behind, or the front, or the sidelines, or wherever is necessary, and infect people with my enthusiasm for achievement.

My intellectual preoccupations have been revolving around mental models as of late, and how they relate to Kuhn’s paradigms, Euclid’s axiomatic proofs, Kant’s Representations, world-views, assumptions, conceptual schemes, frameworks, perspectives, contexts, simulacra, mental maps, landscapes etc.

These are a set of relational systems that essentially mirror themselves, in a way, into the neural networks of the mind.

The relations are impressed upon the mind. We see a triangle. This arrangement of lines and angles finds a way to inhabit the neural networks as a mirrored structure that we can then recall at will for a variety of reasons.

There seems to be a fractal quality to mental models, that allows for their application on any scale, to just about any perception.

Mathematics– geometry and algebra– seem to possess no limit in their application, from macro to micro.  There are fundamental shapes: triangle, and PI. These are self-contained, self referencing wholes. The circle is an infinite iteration of triangles around a point, an anchored center.

Why the triangle? Because relationships are necessarily, because life can be deduced through a series of relations between 3 points.

The number 3 is important. It is a prime, and therefore irreducible. You can build with prime numbers. They are elementary particles.

I’m rambling. Going to bed.

Relationsmanifestum philosophiae.

The Relationships Between Pain and Hunger

Hunger is the gatekeeper of pain in the brain

If you have chronic pain: starve yourself

So like. If there is trauma or immediate pain, a protein is released that suppresses hunger

Could it be that in the early development stages this protein is dominant in high pain environments (abuse or trauma) and then later in life in the absence of this hostile environment there is a under suppression of appetite, leading to overeating??? Or emotional eating??

And like, hunger suppresses chronic pain

Does that make sense?

Like, this gene is over expressed in early developmental hostile environments, and then is desensitized in childhood so that the absence of pain causes an excess of hunger?

Just a curious thought

Connecting emotional eating and trauma with these mechanisms

Because I swear obese people always have some heavy psychological trauma

If you ever watched my 600lb life you know

Childhood trauma

And as adults they just can’t ever satiate

What is “Experience”?

Kant, Hume,

Latin experientia (“a trial, proof, experiment, experimental knowledge, experience”), from experiens, present participle of experiri (“to try, put to the test, undertake, undero”), from ex (“out”) + *periri (“to go through”), in past participle peritus (“experienced, expert”); see expert and peril.

I want to think about this word “experience” in depth. I use the word a lot, and it’s not often that I define or interpret it. I have intuitions about it means, and can even cite philosophers that essentially embody what I mean, but I’ve yet to formalize it.

What is experience? Impressions? Memories? Ideas? Feelings?

Is there mental experience that differs from bodily experience? Yes.

What role does reflection play in rendering experience intelligible? Perceptions? Paradigms? Habits? States of being? Meditations?

What role does repetition play? Does repetition make experience more intelligible? Do we become more familiar with the experience and are able to structure and systematize it?

Why is experience better than imagining or theory? For example, why is it better to go through an experience rather than simply reading about it or conversing about it with someone?

Is more experience better? Novelty?

Is there a trade off between broad experience and depth?


Do Something

Do something that no one has done before. If you don’t have a plan, someone will make you apart of their plan, and I can promise that their plan for you will under utilize your potential and squander your satisfaction. Attitude is the defining characteristic of a successful life. You need a plan as well. I’m not talking about some stock blueprint that we should follow to a T. I’m speaking about goals. Say you want to travel across the country. You have a mental representation of that journey, a little red line that cruises across the mental map. When you are on your journey you won’t be traveling in a neat, straight little line. You will encounter obstacles, mountains, rivers, swamps, a multitude of confounding externalities that were unplanned. Does that mean you abandon your goals? No. It means you adjust your means for achieving your goals. If you thought it was going to be a neat little line, how wrong you were. You must adapt. We are adaptable and fluid, ever evolving, not static and rigid. When the landscape changes we change our approach, when the facts change we change our minds.

This means that your little blue print will be useless. You need a desired result, a goal, an end that exists before there is a how. Leave the how up to your tenacity and imagination. And if you already know how to achieve your goal, you’re probably not asking enough from yourself. Why do what’s easy? Why stay the same? The status quo is for rocks, lifeless and unchanging.