I’ve been mentally drained lately. I slept 15 hours yesterday… took a 4 hour nap today. I’ve been putting off all stress and shrinking from all academic pressure. I feel so confused. Confused in the sense that I’m at a loss. For words; for thoughts; for novel ideas. I feel empty. Like I’m lacking the necessary fuel to push me along. The fuel that helps me deduce my world and come to viable conclusions. I feel that all the knowledge I’ve gone out of my way to accumulate means nothing. Other times I feel that this isn’t the case. The optimistic side of me starts to speak up, telling me that everything I take into my senses, if I really took it in and it meant something to me, is still in there. Its in my brain somewhere, just waiting to come out. I just need the right stimulation. The right environment, or challenging problem to rub me the right way so my neurons can fire off and recall all that ‘knowledge’. I don’t know why I get so caught up in knowledge. I want wisdom. Knowledge comes and goes. Wisdom is what makes this world keep going. Its what to do with knowledge. Knowledge is just about equivalent with information. Its just stuff to recall and do. Wisdom. For some reason it rings divine. I feel that wisdom inspires and magnetizes. It draws people in and points you in the right direction. Its apart of your character.


Need to go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. I can feel the pressures of life… i feel like they’re beating on the windows of reality. I can hear them far off in the distance, like a roaring zombie mob. I just ignore it. I feel so cool. Collected. Calm. I know that I will be great. I need to push on. I feel reinvigorated. Life is taking on a new form.

I don’t even think when I type. I don’t know what the hell comes out of these fingers half the time. I have a judicial hearing tomorrow. Spooky. With the big dogs. Hoping that nothing will come of it. Petty petty stuff. Responsibility calls. Consequences await. Bed!

Quotes Sept 26th 2008

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
– Aristotle

The first and last thing required of genius is the love of truth.”- Goethe

” I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen, not only because I see it but by it I see everything else.”
C.S. Lewis

“The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.” Vincent T. Lombardi

“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think.” -Emerson

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”-Romans

“You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’”
-George Bernard Shaw

“I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.”
-Jack London

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”- Epicurus

“Humility is only doubt
And does the sun and moon blot out,
Rooting over with thorns and stems
The buried soul and all its gems.
This life’s dim windows of the soul
Distorts the heavens from pole to pole
And leads you to believe a lie
When you see with not through the eye.”
-William Blake

“On a long enough time-line, I always Win.”




by: Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)

      BOAT, beneath a sunny sky
      Lingering onward dreamily
      In an evening of July–
      Children three that nestle near,
      Eager eye and willing ear,
      Pleased a simple tale to hear–
      Long has paled that sunny sky;
      Echoes fade and memories die;
      Autumn frosts have slain July.
      Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
      Alice moving under skies
      Never seen by waking eyes.
      Children yet, the tale to hear,
      Eager eye and willing ear,
      Lovingly shall nestle near.
      In a Wonderland they lie,
      Dreaming as the days go by,
      Dreaming as the summers die;
      Ever drifting down the stream–
      Lingering in the golden gleam–
      Life, what is it but a dream?

The Pursuit of Happiness

An awesome book published in response to the positive psychology movement:

The Pursuit of Happiness

By David G. Myers

  1. Realize that enduring happiness doesn’t come from success. People adapt to changing circumstances—even to wealth or a disability. Thus, wealth is like health: its utter absence breeds misery, but having it (or any circumstance we long for) doesn’t guarantee happiness.
  2. Take control of your time. Happy people feel in control of their lives. To master your use of time, set goals and break them into daily aims. Although we often overestimate how much we will accomplish in any given day (leaving us frustrated), we generally underestimate how much we can accomplish in a year, given just a little progress every day.
  3. Act happy. We can sometimes act ourselves into a happier frame of mind. Manipulated into a smiling expression, people feel better; when they scowl, the whole world seems to scowl back. So put on a happy face. Talk as if you feel positive self-esteem, are optimistic, and are outgoing. Going through the motions can trigger the emotions.
  4. Seek work and leisure that engages your skills. Happy people often are in a zone called “flow”—absorbed in tasks that challenge but don’t overwhelm them. The most expensive forms of leisure (sitting on a yacht) often provide less flow experience than gardening, socializing, or craft work.
  5. Join the “movement” movement. An avalanche of research reveals that aerobic exercise can relieve mild depression and anxiety as it promotes health and energy. Sound minds reside in sound bodies. Off your duffs, couch potatoes.
  6. Give your body the sleep it wants. Happy people live active vigorous lives yet reserve time for renewing sleep and solitude. Many people suffer from a sleep debt, with resulting fatigue, diminished alertness, and gloomy moods.
  7. Give priority to close relationships. Intimate friendships with those who care deeply about you can help you weather difficult times. Confiding is good for soul and body. Resolve to nurture your closest relationship by not taking your loved ones for granted, by displaying to them the sort of kindness you display to others, by affirming them, by playing together and sharing together. To rejuvenate your affections, resolve in such ways to act lovingly.
  8. Focus beyond the self. Reach out to those in need. Happiness increases helpfulness (those who feel good do good). But doing good also makes one feel good.
  9. Keep a gratitude journal. Those who pause each day to reflect on some positive aspect of their lives (their health, friends, family, freedom, education, senses, natural surroundings, and so on) experience heightened well-being.
  10. Nurture your spiritual self. For many people, faith provides a support community, a reason to focus beyond self, and a sense of purpose and hope. Study after study finds that actively religious people are happier and that they cope better with crises.


Life… I’m wary of talking in absolutes. My initial inclination is to use words such as hate and always or never when talking about things I feel strongly about. I restrain these inclinations. It’s a bad habit to talk in such polarized statements.

My feelings. I feel animosity toward myself. It’s odd. I’m not where I mentally want to be. I want to be making some kind of progress. I feel that I’m not striving or pursuing with the kind of eagerness I should. I am totally losing my mind. Color. Where is the fucking color. Where is the clarity. Its up and down and all around. Where is life. Where is the depth. Where is it. I am getting angry. I’m getting upset with myself. I want to be good.

I should be typing up notes

Some things occurred to me as I was outlining some notes for microeconomics. I was busy thinking about the two things we charge people for an exchange. These two things are called ‘goods and services’. I was contemplating what those terms meant and how they’ve changed over time to what we now see in our modern culture. Goods… these tangible things. Things that were once raw before human hands and creativity shaped and molded the molecules into something valuable to another person. And these goods… before they were labeled as valuable were nothing more than matter. We buy the idea that these goods improve the quality of our life in some way. By working hours for value in return… aka a paycheck…we exchange our time… for these goods. Do they improve the quality of our life? I wonder. I then was thinking about services… how necessary services are in our culture. I then started thinking how unnecessary they are in our culture. How the goods we buy often are too expensive for us to spend our time maintaining. We buy a car… no one maintenances their car. No one re-roofs their house. People much prefer eating out and being served than servicing the food themselves and eating at home… even though money makes this difficult as an everyday occurrence. No one services their computer. They haven’t the time to learn. They would rather spend their time working for more money that they can exchange for more goods that need to be serviced. anyway.

I don’t even know where i was going with that. It’s like people are brainwashed to think that they need things. This culture makes it seem impossible to survive without these ‘things’. These goods and services. America is a HUGE business/money making machine. Advertisements flood our airwaves and conversations day and night. Spend spend spend. People are living to generate income for these banal desires.

Cut the ties, hold your sighs, and say good-byes.

There is no fuel, no passion igniting my inner cavities. I want life. I want reasons. Logical or illogical, something with life and vitality I can hug and lean myself against. I want friction that sharpens and warms. I want something in life that’s exciting, enticing, surprising and never regular. I want simplicity that screams fire and love and charm. I want to hold an open hand and watch memories mature. I want something that draws me in and spits me out. I want to be rebirthed in the presence of another. I want to look at life like a challenge that grips and shakes and caresses me. GOD. Where the fuck is a breath of fresh air. Why do I have this horrible feeling like I have it all figured out. Typically I’d get to a point like this in my life and sabotage all my progress, throwing myself into an oblivious raving state, harming those closest to me, and destroy my character in the process. I would rebuild in order to keep myself sane,only to prove to myself that I am capable of doing good. I feel that at the ceiling of achievement lies the virtue of patience. I cannot hurry my progress along. I cannot change my circumstances to better suit me without waiting longer. I desire all day and night to be better, but I will not compromise my aspirations.

How does one become inspired? I feel that I’ve exhausted my resources. My philosophy is.. yes.. its always that simple… now make it work and stick to it. thats the hard part. Sticking to lofty ideals. I want gratification. I want to scrap the nuances of sacrificial achievement. I want to be happy on this journey. I want to sift through the idiosyncratic subtleties that paint the landscape of life. I want to indulge, be straight forward and clear about my intentions. I want to manage a world of discovery without making it a mundane routine.

Help me expand my horizons to things outside myself. I want to remove my preconceptions about life. I want to learn from the best, the mad ones, the crazy ones, the ones with too much time and too little worries. I want to get caught up in a surge of creativity, burning brightly with passion and zeal. I want to stab my way through hardship and beat on the door of opportunity every day of my life. I want to live to the fullest.

All this would be especially wonderful if I had another to share it with. Where are these people? Where is my soul mate? yes they exist… people who, despite similarities or differences… you are drawn to.. magnetized, hypnotized, mesmerized… love… call it what you want but its powerful. These people feed off your presence, and you theirs. I want to bathe in that someones aura of innocence. I want to penetrate their gaze and swim with their soul in mutual harmony and pleasure and share in a gentle childlike mirth that envelops every corner of my mind and heart… I want it to fill the cracks of desperation and settle me like a soothing lullaby.

Where are you?

I’m distraught. No motives other than the introspective examination of a life wasted. I know who I was… I will be everything that person wasn’t. I am tired of chasing paper trails. I want fancy thrills with substance beyond the ephemeral promises of the times. I want to nurture ethereal relationships that quench the parched and pallid landscapes I live in.


I don’t like this question- or my answer- too much. It’s hard to differentiate between the environmental and genetic contributors. Females rear children. This is not a gender stereo-type, this is a genetic fact. In a society filled with avarice and cupidity its no wonder women are abandoning their roles as the homemaker to pursue lifestyles that demand more. There is a warped perception of successful living. Half the world lives on two dollars a day, that’s less than $750 a year. In America, the average annual income per capita is over $35,000. Is this necessary? The average child per household has been declining ever since the industrial revolution. Women are physically made to birth, breast feed, and emotionally nurture their children. This is true from a physical as well as psychological position. Continuing this trend throughout the children’s adolescent years solidifies the typical behavior woman adhere to throughout the rest of their life. Considering it a stereotype is a misnomer. It’s a fact of life that most women reject in modern society. Tilling the fields, raising cattle and the likes are suited for individuals, men, where their offspring are not wholly dependent upon them. Women have a duty to be home with the children. No matter how much a male wants to breastfeed his children, or give them a mother’s loving emotionally support, it’s not realistic, healthy or pragmatic to replace this figure.
The role of women as a home maker was established in their DNA- outlying cases aside. As far as how it’s being perpetuated throughout society today? Religion, specifically the doctrine of Christianity in our society, perpetuates these notions. Penned several thousand years ago, one might say it outdates the current times, but we were the same genetic people several thousand years ago that we are today. We were the same genetically even two thousand or one thousand or five hundred years ago. In the span of a few centuries we’ve taken our genetic code and its practical out-working’s of a successful family system and tossed them out the window in order to justify our self-indulgence.
Is it any wonder why we have a male dominated business world? Who raises the children? If the mothers are there to breast-feed and emotionally raise their children, who is? Strangers in daycares dowsing infants with concocted formulas? Who is teaching children their moral and ethical values? Strange school systems designed to program future industry employees? We’ll have to wait to see how this manifests itself in our society. Is it a matter of competency or resilience? This I would never argue. Women are just as capable. The issue is of the raising a healthy family. As long as raising a healthy family is at the forefront of society and concerns, the ‘stereo-type’ of mother’s being home-makers will continue to perpetuate.
Maybe I’m biased but this is a quaint subject I’d like to explore and understand more thoroughly.

Valiantly follow convictions

You are not the collection of past or present behaviors. You are a being. You exist, here, now, and into the future. You will be whatever you decide to be. Choose wisely. Your choices will increase or decrease your chances for future choices. You never are. You are always being. Be what it is that calls you. Follow those choices and stick to them valiantly.


I’m ready to engage. Any moment now. I will live in the present. I will see past all reservations… all tendencies to hold back. I will break free. I will laugh loudly. I will do and be with all that can be called of me. I will smile and stare in the face of the world. They will fumble and cower in their own confusion. I dictate this world. This reality is mine. The web of fabricated norms can no longer hold the fire inside. It burns and it is ready to absorb and engulf anything in its way.