Microwaved sweetpotatoes and chicken

im tired. eating microwaved sweetpotatoes and chicken three times a day is already getting old. my goal is to put on some serious mass so all my energy and focus is being expended on that little objective. 185 is a goal of mine. 10lb increase. no too impossible. my work is so damn boring. jakes going to europe. im jealous as hell. oh shit. ive always wanted to do some martial arts and its gotten to the point where im tired of putting it off. it seems that this is the best opprotunity to try it out. ive got plenty of time on my hands and very limited commitments elsewhere. jeet kune do. thats the shit i wanna learn.

its wednesday night. no work tomorrow. im considering going out tonight. if i dont. i wont be upset for some reason. im really looking forward to seeing some waves soon. ive been so busy its hard to find time to surf. um. hurricane season. looking forward to the hurricanes. woot.


i was getting tired of posting blogs on myspace. people dont give a shit to look at any of that stuff. i just need to write and let go sometimes. so um. here i am. ive been very thoughtful lately. i dont know if thats good or bad, but ive been really delving into things. its pretty unnecessary. ive been thinking alot. im so over so much shit. im tired of dick people who dont take thier time to get to know anyone. i like meeting everyone. and what i dont like is the people who dont give any thought to anyone else but themselves. alot of people like that lately. whatever.

my moms going to jersey for the summer, my sisters leaving for college soon, my younger sisters never around. so that leaves my dad and i alone in this house. not that im gonna ever see him cause he travels and works more than anyone ive ever met, but its a potentially scary situation. we’ll see tho. everyone that i remained close with the past year has moved the fuck away. mostly college. and everyone else i use to keep in touch with just disappeared. i dont do drugs so i keep myself from people that put me in those compromising situations. i dunno. i decided to pick my friends instead of having them around for convenience. so i only have like… very few now. my choice. the people i happen to surround myself with are the best people ive met so its straight. ive had alot of free time for good stuff like lifting, getting in shape, eating really good stuff. um. jakes gonna be my lifting partner for the next two months so im stoked about that. i started playing my guitar alot more. it feels good to write music again. dino fuckin belli left me. it sucks. im gonna visit him. colorado. nice place.

heavy heavy low low is amazing.
im so tired i have one eye open.

going to bed.

you dont know me

you dont know me

I felt like typing and sharing a lot:

know yourself. Know your goals. Dont look around you when youre trying to get somewhere. It slows you down and you get sidetracked. Look around when you get there. I promise it’ll be a far better view.

I dont recommend investing your time in people who dont know you and you dont know. Im not saying its not worth it on occasion, and every once in a great while you might find yourself someone whose very compatible, genuine and caring, but by and large your wasting your time. They pull you down. Very rarely do they bring you up. And the people who are good for you, they dont need you around. You need them around. They dont owe you anything. You need to strive to be like them. You need to make yourself a better person so that maybe you can contribute to their life like they contribute to yours.

Know yourself. I’ve dealt with addiction. Massive addictions. That range from thoughts, to substance, to people. Ive failed miserable and hit bottom more than most people even can dream about. The last six years of my life have been… a learning experience. I could say absolute hell, but what kind of attitude would that be. It would be accepting the bad. And I dont see it as that anymore. I see it as Ive learned through my mistakes what works, what doesnt. (ThankGod) what it takes to get yourself from point A to point B and everything in between. I was dysfunctional for most of high school. When I say dysfunctional I mean, my head was in the clouds. I obsessed over materialistic, tangible resources that led me down a horrible path of destruction. I have done it all. Ive succeeded at a monumental level; Ive failed at a disgraceful level. Not many people realize the peaks and valleys of my life. Not normal whatsoever. But who is. I’m not some overly vain kid whose got it figured out and thinks that my life deserves anymore attention than anyone else on the earth, cause thats the farthest from the truth. Instead Im saying that Im proud that Ive learned from my misfortunes. If I didnt I would be where I was in the beginning. Lost. Confused. Fearful. Desperate. Selfish. Slowly dying. Im actually saying that I feel for people that dont learn the first time.

It took me awhile to grasp the concept of learning from your mistakes. I thought that I always had the right idea; I just took the wrong plan of action. And Id repeat the same idea, and fail time and time again. Getting worse and worse. I was lost in severe depression for a great deal of my adolescent life. I struggled with sever suicidal ideation and severe self mutilation for years. I was institutionalized far too many times. I was actually committed by the state for months and months, which cost me dearly in high school education. Ive been in inpatient. Outpatient. More psychologists and more psychiatrists than you can find in the yellow pages. Ive been prescribed EVERY medication know to man for anxiety, depression, bipolar/manic depressive behavior, delusional behavior, ADD. I self medicated in between. Cause nothing really worked. I became addicted to pretty much… you name it. I fell in love with every drug. Mixed and matched them all. Ive been in love with all drugs. Save a few (thank god). And only because I didnt have those connections. I tried everything. I didnt know who I was or what I was doing on this earth for the longest time. I was disillusioned. I was handicapped. Totally lost in my mind. I had no idea what to do with myself. Ive had the misfortunes of being homeless. Poor. Starving. I was put in a position to contradict my character and morals with out of control behavior. Ive been in fights, brawls, cheap shots, jumps. The good, bad, justified, unjustified, rational, and irrational.
And all these things Ive repeated multiple times in one way of another.

On the contrary, Ive been an A student. Ive achieved academically and have been very successful. Honors and advanced placement throughout high school. Etc. Ive thought outside the box most of my life and have been rewarded for it. Been chosen to represent class opinions, Ive been in countless clubs, student government. Ive been a winning athlete whos competed at state levels in pretty much every sport Ive tried. Ive mastered the arts, I was a year round athlete my entire life, save the last two years of high school. Ive been to three high schools in three states. I attended an all boys military boarding school. I lived on my own for a year my sophomore year there. It taught me invaluable lessons and discipline. I excelled tremendously there. Being rewarded for your efforts was always my goal.

Ive moved 12 times in six states and attended 11 different schools. (6 elementary, 2 middle, 3 high schools… but maybe 4 or 5 if you want to include the classrooms provided in the institutions.. and outpatient) a lot of schools. A lot of people. A lot of relationships. I must say, as an important interjection to better understand my upbringings… I had two of my closest friends commit suicide. I had a suicide pact with one of my best friends. He died. my close family, childhood, and high school friend also died by his own hand less than four years later. Both by hanging. I was raised in a fascist Christian militaristic household with rules and repercussions. With the motto “if it hurts, its cause we love you” constant strife within the house. My father on top of never being there due to his workaholic 80 hour a week work habits was the household disciplinarian. I translate: torture and cruel and unusual punishment. Relationships within the house were nonexistent. He is an incredible brilliant man. Graduated from the United States naval academy with a bachelor’s in Aerospace engineering. aka. Rocket scientist. Hes worked for multi billion dollar corporations, headed multi million dollar businesses, owned successful small businesses. Hes consulted all types of companies. And is on his constant search for infinite wealth. Investing is where its at. Hes tried real estate, and now hes trying the most successful money making business Network marketing. All this being said…. hes a blind, self righteous, bastard. He doesnt know his family. Hes insensitive and he works every waking moment. Why. Who knows. And he doesnt care about any of this cause… its not true. Hell argue… but thats apart of the selfrighteousact. Anyway….. My mother was loyal and supportive. And still is. They have both simmered down, a miracle, but due largely to the fact that their son was slowly dying and they were no help.

Ive been involved in and out of relationships and women my whole life. Always looking for someone to make me happy. Never happened.
Ive fallen in true utter love only once in my mind. It pains me to see that I gave myself to that person for so long. The best and worst feelings in my life. I suppose I put my faith in that person…which was a horrible thing to do. Too much pressure for them. My head wasnt on straight. I was crazy and looking for love and happiness. I searched for women that would fill my void. I wasnt real. I didnt know who I was. I was super selective with who I became attracted to. I always learned to love them. And it was always based on the publics approval. But once upon a time I saw this girl. And I instantly knew she would be mine. I told my parents the day I saw her. I was in love from the start. Needless to say it was messy from the beginning. Wasnt meant to be I suppose. I never felt so good in my life when I was with her. I loved her more than Ive ever loved any girl in comparison. I still love her. I forgive her for everything. Shes awesome. Love hurts though. The worst part about it is loving someone that much… and realizing you should let them go. And letting them go. And pushing them because it hurt so badly. All willingly out of love. They deserved the best and I knew I wasnt that for them. At that time anyway… anyway….

moving on…

anyway. The past few years, more specifically the past year, Ive learned more about myself than ever before. And in part due to my willingness to succeed… but more importantly… be content and happy and joyful. And after years of failing I realized I was doing something wrong. I am realizing you have a responsibility to yourself. You cant sell yourself short. If you do. You will always… be unhappy. Dont settle for the now. Dont worry about what you have to have now. Worry about what your going to need in the future… cause your gonna want it… and the pain the regret weighs tons compared to the pain of discipline which weighs ounces in comparison.

God has played an incredible role in my life. Without him I am a lost. He is my comfort, my joy, my guidance, my security, my confidence. My everything. I am utterly lost without him. I would be alone in the dark by myself. I always thought it was about structure and rules and sins and punishment and RELIGION. ew. That scares me.

Now I wont get into it… ill save it for another Blog… but…

ive come to realize its just about having Faith. Faith that he is real and all powerful, all knowing, all loving. Omnipotent. Omniscient. Omnipresent. And when you put your faith into him… you start a relationship. If you believe in the relationship… your life will be changed forever. God is Good.

fighting losers

fighting losers
last night i was at a party. had a good time. it was real fresh. keg, friends etc.,
well this kid, who officially earned the title loser last night, that has major issues showed up to this party. i got into a confrontation with him a week before as a result of his irrational behavior. i took it upon myself to let him know what was up. apparently he got offended and swore revenge on me. this kid is a little piece. he has no idea who i am. he shows up to this party, an hour passes. he gets his friends rallying up with him and confronts me. shaking, obviously nervous as hell asks if i remember who he was. no shit i remember. he wants to fight me. if anyone knows me i dont like fighting. but everyone that knows me knows that when i fight i go into a passionate animal survival beast mode and beat the living fuck outta whoever is attacking me and happily accept any and all pain that comes with fighting and even getting your ass kicked. and ive done this far too many times. i was at a party to have a good time. i didnt want to fight. he was a loser. he acted stupid. wasnt even worth it to me. well he made it worth it when in his last desperate feeble attempt to make up for his extremely worthless behavior and attempted to spit in my face. instantly i wanted to rip his head off and shit down his throat and only gods gracing prevented me from wasting him. instead i didnt do anything. and everyone at the party made sure he knew he was acting like a fuckin loser and told him to leave. that all being said, i didnt have personal issues with this kid before that night. thats all changed and he’s made it to my list of kids that are gonna get it real bad if they ever show their face to me again.


i consider myself an overly considerate person. ill be ok with feeling uncomfortable and at times compromising myself for other people when i feel like they really need it. im not a push over. i get really irritated when people are inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful, thoughtless, and unapologetic (on top of countless other things) i do however sit back and wait for these things to compile in my mind before i say or do anything. im not really sensitive, only sensitive to other people. sometimes this works. sometimes you get burned. either way i dont see it as im missing out on much. im not the kind of person who longs for things are arent good. and anyone of those traits i hardly deem good. Id much rather abandon such things and move on to something better. so thats what i do. give people lots of chances. and than bam. pz. stop wasting my time if you cant figure it out.


im very content right now.

i was watching the thunderstorms and the clouds recently and it allowed me to really appreciate life and its beauty.

the people who allow the mind to escape into the dark corners of insight gain an infinite glimpse of knowing themselves in a far better light than those who remain comfortable with thier weak candle of comfort.