I think I’m done being this version of myself.

That’s what I wish to say. But what that requires is discarding my current life, and reinventing myself, or perhaps embracing a version that’s been there all along, perhaps an authentic version, the real me, until I realize that I’m no good at being that person either.

Developmental Systems and Information Ontogenesis

Susan Oyama has some fascinating insights into developmental systems and biological evolution, specifically looking at genetic programming and the ontogenesis of information.

She explores the reflexive interactive relationship between organism and environment, such as how environmental features become embedded in genetic information and “manifest” as genes, and reciprocal selectivity between environment and organism, relating to both inherited and acquired characteristics, ie information/ programs.

Lots of interesting thoughts on the fundamental processes of life: constancy, change, and variability. And their evolutionary/developmental role.

She also explores the how biological constraints “generate” information, controls, and regulatory systems, rather than there being a guiding genetic principle to their development.

And much more.
Relating to our conversation about energy manifesting in forms of matter,

“The gene is a vehicle of constancy.”

Gene is information, information is order, order is pattern, pattern is repetition, repetition is constancy

Design is pattern. In-formation as shaping or animating.

Constructive to think of information as a manifestation of physical form, of shape.

Which, at its essence, is geometric.

Geometry is spatial,

And spatial is relational.

When I think of information, I think of syntax, of order, which determines a sequence of value-point, the meaning of which is determined by the sum of these values, as well as the order of the points, and the relationships between any one point.

When i think of syntax, I think of statements strung together.

Then I think of how that statement can be further reduced to abstract symbolic logic, while retaining the intention.

The logic of the statement is determined by the total symbols, as well as the order in which they appear in a sequence.

We can further abstract these symbols to on and off, 1 and 0.

01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101110 00101110

The information contained relates to the total characters/points, and the relationship to all other characters. The sum and order.

But the “rules” are what result in the pattern. This could be random numbers. The only thing that makes it information is that we apply a set of rules to translate into something meaningful.

The rules require us to perform repetitive actions. Every time I was to refer to “man”, i must use the characters “m-a-n” in that order/sequence.

By using different combinations, i am not preserving the integrity of the pattern, and not creating structure, or order.

Something like that
As it relates to genetic information,

You can see the energy manifesting in matter. You can see the vibrations, the wave form, the repeating geometric structure.

The environment is buzzing with energy, with an energy force.

The constancy of that force manifests as repetition, as frequency, as Hertz.

This repetition is order. In the same way that a sine wave is repeating. Or a transmission signal has a repetition to the communication protocol, be it Morse Code or something more complex, such as UDP or TCP etc.

A crystal’s geometric form is determined by the repetition of relationships between its atomic parts.

The environmental energy force that’s acting on physical matter requires a constancy to impress and form and shape.

This constancy is an equilibrium
It’s a resonance
I just think it’s interesting…

How does information make its way into DNA.

How are genes encoded? What is the rhyme?

I know it’s a vastly complex biochemical process…. but it’s not random.
The environment impresses itself into the organisms DNA. Nature leaves her trace in every organism, and it never leaves. The environment of our ancestors is embedded in our DNA as information.

It’s not random in the sense that, chaos does not generate information.

The Almond Trees

“We have not overcome our condition, and yet we know it better. We know that we live in contradiction, but we also know that we must refuse this contradiction and do what is needed to reduce it. Our task as [humans] is to find the few principles that will calm the infinite anguish of free souls. We must mend what has been torn apart, make justice imaginable again in a world so obviously unjust, give happiness a meaning once more to peoples poisoned by the misery of the century. Naturally, it is a superhuman task. But superhuman is the term for tasks [we] take a long time to accomplish, that’s all.

Let us know our aims then, holding fast to the mind, even if force puts on a thoughtful or a comfortable face in order to seduce us. The first thing is not to despair. Let us not listen too much to those who proclaim that the world is at an end. Civilizations do not die so easily, and even if our world were to collapse, it would not have been the first. It is indeed true that we live in tragic times. But too many people confuse tragedy with despair. “Tragedy,” [D.H.] Lawrence said, “ought to be a great kick at misery.” This is a healthy and immediately applicable thought. There are many things today deserving such a kick.”

—Albert Camus, The Almond Trees (1940) [Les’Amandiers]


I was telling a friend how out of touch I feel recently, not just this past month, but over the years.

Of course I attribute this to a projection of my own circumstance, and I’m skeptical to assume that this is a malady facing society in general.

But I also feel that this narrative isn’t uncommon.

I wonder how many people feel increasingly out of touch with the world, but perhaps can’t put their finger on what they’re feeling.

I attribute it to my age, the consequence of growing older, to the my personal career choices, to my relationship choices.

But perhaps these choices are not unique to me, and the feelings they produce are not unique to me.

I wonder if my generation, if modern society, is feeling increasingly out of reach from one another, from life, from meaning.

I observe my daily habits, and remove the personalized importance I give them.

I observe the routines, not as a part of this meaningful lifestyle, but as a series of actions on inanimate objects.

I am a body of energized mass hurling through iterative routines, colliding with other masses is the environment, and these collisions comprise my relationships. I am a pinball bouncing from one place to another, in varying time and intensity.

My relationships, my interactions with the inanimate, or through the inanimate, has increased: Computers. Media streams. Emails. Apps.

The world comes to me, at my solitary convenience: Movies, groceries, mail, people, clothing, and the like.

In order for this post-physical community world to thrive and grow, solitude becomes even more important. Independence increases our dependency on the technologies that bring the world to us.

We do not choose what we know. It is chosen for us. The options are given. The prices are fixed. The system does the thinking for us.

The less we depend on others, the more we depend on the system, and the more our participation can be monetized, our labor, our thoughts, our preferences, our time.

There is a technological system that is replacing the function of physical community. Community was a dynamic system, capable of handling change.

Historically, community, the physical community, and the forum and neighborhoods it inhabited, promoted freedom of ideas, of thought.

It was as uncensored, and unregulated. We speak, and people heard.

We could speak to and negotiate and physically touch one another, and this visceral connection kept us anchored to each other, in a way that strengthen social ties.

Today that relationship is mediated by a system that taxes our participation. The mediation is a form of censorship. Advertising. Search results.

The tax is the price of accessing resources. Pay to play. We do not depend on the goodwill of people, but of technological systems, private or public. Platforms than aggregate all the demand, and control all the supply. These are the great regulators.

I’ve been feeling increasingly out of touch. As if there is an arbitrariness to the choices and the potential resulting outcomes.

Everything seems mundane. Trivial. The outcomes seem insignificant. The future seems to be arbitrary ideals pregnant with hope, but hope for what? I’m not sure.

I often wonder how much of my generation feels out of touch, and if they do, what they attribute this to. I’m curious if this is an isolated feeling, or if this is a signal from the collective unconscious that something is not well, and that the current path forward m is untenable, unsustainable. That the world we’re building, that we’re hoping for, is the exact opposite of what we truly want.

Which is, quality, meaningful, local physical relationships that we mutually depend on for nourishment of the soul. What we need is sustenance, and the ability to help one another.

And perhaps that exists for many people. But I wonder if the world we’re building is encouraging more of that, or less, and whether that’s something to look forward to and participate in, or revolt against.


“If you could be exceptional at ONE thing, but no better than average at everything else, what would it be?”

I think I’d want to be an exceptional artist. Probably a writer.

I was thinking mathematician.

But then I was thinking of the lives of mathematicians and their work, how narrow and niche and inaccessible it is to most people, yet how influential. Their contributions inspire almost every field, from engineering to physics to computers to design etc. And math seems to be timeless, crossing cultural divides and epochs.

But then, physics seems to be a bit more relatable. At least it deals the with the relationships of entities inhabiting the phenomenal world, rather than abstract expressions and relationships.

And yet, engineering seems a bit more creative, a way to utilize these mathematical relationships and create something unique from them, to solve problems and satisfy needs from the material of the world, via technology.

However, artists have this universally accessible and timeless quality to their work. It’s inspiring in some universally accessible way.

And within art there is writing, which seems to be this timeless artistic medium. Words seem to change the world. Books can program the mind. Writing seems to be the very basis of civilization. Words move men to action, to feeling, transcending the temporal, reaching out over generations, crossing all kinds of boundaries.

I think I’d love the ability to be an exceptional writer.

It’d be better to be versed in many languages, and possess the ability to borrow from the history and perspective and culture and meaning from all languages, and writing in all languages would be a tremendous skill. I’m sure it improves writing ability quite a bit.

So, art and creation.

The difference between instruments seems so arbitrary.

It’s difficult to choose between the instruments of mathematical symbols and linguistic symbols and colors and melodies. All these instruments of expression to manifest the intention of a man.

What does the world need? I feel like that determines the value of anything. But I’m not sure who decides it, if it’s the world, or if it’s the individual for the world. And so you just need to pick one thing and decide to do your part.


The older I get, the less certain I am of everything and anything.

I expected the opposite effect growing up.

When I was younger, I was so certain about my decisions, about the world. Even if I knew that I didn’t know everything, I was confident.

Each passing year, I feel less and less confident about what I know, and more and more confident about what I don’t know.

And I don’t say that as a virtue.

I say that as a feeling of unraveling. As if life is not something that can be figured out, that’s it’s a cumulation of choice mixed with chance, and there’s no hedge to it.

G and I

Yea. G is not happy about it
Even tho she wanted to break up

She really wanted for me to object and fight for us. I just don’t have the energy anymore. Hoping one day things will work out and I’ll be able to convince myself that I knew what was doing all along

49% of me wants to work it out
51% of me doesn’t care enough

It’s tough
I don’t like hurting her
And i don’t love the idea of being alone
But i also have a verrrry strong intuition that I’m putting off the inevitable
So it’s like, do I “settle”, and avoid it, only to undermine happiness and satisfaction, just because I don’t want to deal with the discomfort and pain?
Yea. Who knows. We really don’t know. I don’t know. We don’t know what we’re doing
But I don’t have much to say
She cries
I just stare
I don’t want to argue
I love her and care for her and if things were different, this would be different
But they’re not
So I’m sorry
By comforting her I’ll just be lying to myself and her

So I just resist saying anything, other than we both agree it’s not working. I know you love me and I know you want to work it out, but that all depends on me being different, which I really can’t be. I’m me. And I know you think I’m consciously not being who you want me to be, but the reality is, this is me. And you don’t like it, and it’s frustrating, and it hurts you, and you know I’m not intentionally trying to hurt you, you know I love you. You just think I’m selfish, and not willing to put in the work. But I do… but i also just… am worn down. I feel like I am not myself
And I want to reclaim that

So this is apart of that
Letting go

But it’s possible we become what the other person is looking for, or our expectations change
Because I’m aware that I’m more more attracted to the idea of her than her. And they are such different realities.

I mean this realization hits me when I become aware that this is not the kind of interactions I wish to have with people…

Like, why are we arguing? I don’t want to argue. I don’t want this conflict. I just want understanding. Can we give that to each other?

Why are certain issues so persistent and recurring? Why can’t they just be resolved.

Like, I definitely don’t share that attitude.

I definitely don’t share that perspective.

That’s definitely not how I see things.

So like. What the heck am I doing this with you?

Okay, it builds character. Patience. Empathy.

Fast forward 3 years. Nope. Not feeling like a better person. Quite the contrary. Kinda feel the same, or like I’ve just been making compromises this whole time, which makes me feel like I’m settling.

It’s like love and passion and romancy, interrupted by jolts of erratic discomfort.

I don’t want to live in some fairytale, only to be electrified awake by some very real conflict.

The conflict is we are not compatible.

We can’t wish that away.

I am me, you are you.

So I can’t keep clinging to some unreality, some dream that is how it “could be” and just temporarily suspend the real conflicts that interfere with the life goals that are embedded into my character, which I really can’t change, because that’s who I am or who I want to be, or at the very least, who I need to be to survive. To get by. To cope. To flourish within the circumstances that are my life

I often wonder how I’ll feel different when she’s not around, if the discomfort will remain, and just materialize by some other cause I project it onto.

Or if it will intensify, because I’m alone, and don’t have this partner, and then I realize that these feelings are my own doing, and running from them only amplifies their power

Or if the discomfort will diminish, and fade…. and as I center myself, and expand responsibility for choosing my happiness, by choosing my influences and activities and relationships, the stress dissipates and the peace of being returns…. and I find myself free, open, optimistic, empowered…. and energized with an attitude to seize life, knowing the only person in my way is me.

And i wonder if the latter, if this will only make me more selfish and independent, and more incapable of cultivating a healthy compatible selfless relationship

Or if it will lead to the happiness most healthy relationship of my life. The relationship is taxing. On these weird levels that require emotional and cognitive resources to cope with, which I’m looking forward will return.

It’s a big reason I’d like to end things. To free up this tax. This weird burden I feel like I have to contend with to maintain the relationship. The feeling that I’m responsible for her happiness, her states of being.


Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations which we can perform without thinking of them.
—Alfred North Whitehead

I’ve been thinking about this quote.

The corollary of these civilization advances leads to inertia, or path dependency.

I.e., performing important operations without thinking of them.

The other risk is these operations become so unconscious, we forget why we do them, or why they’re important.

Or an operational structure develops from these iterative performances, and if one process is forced to change, the entire system undergoes a shock due to the systemic dependencies.

Though, I suppose this happens on any scale.

And I suppose these these operations can include adaptive mechanisms as well, so it’s not like we’re just mindlessly performing extended operations.

Functional Programming is the Future of all Computational Technology

Programming is just an abstract list of instructions.

Most programs are not functional, and so they break.

Functional programming (and the Lambda Calculus which formalizes computational relationships) essentially applies the laws of mathematical logic to computer programs.

Functional programming is difficult to implement, apparently, because semantics are not necessary concrete. Many programming languages allow for all kinds of logical inconsistencies responsible for crashes and technical debt.

But functional programming makes a program durable forever, as durable as a mathematical equation.

The benefit of moving towards a paradigm of functional programming is when you begin applying these programs to big data, when you begin migrating data and programs from one context to another, when you begin writing programs for programs…. the integrity of the program remains intact.

Functional programs remain modularized, and fungible for other functional programs to use.

Not so with current programming paradigms.

API’s try to translate, but it’s extremely limits, especially if you want to apply AI to the system. Each API is different for every program, so the syntactical integrity is lost through semantic translation.

Where I see this being critical is applying systems Artificial Intelligence to a network of programs.

In the same way a neural net works by computing the inputs within layers of mathematical functions, which get processed and weighted and moved into another layer, until there is a judgement output.

This only produces coherent outputs if the functions are all working from the same syntax.

If your functions all have different syntax, as a result of different semantics, your outputs will not be coherent.

If you apply a neural net to a system of programs, if they are not functional, they will not produce coherent logical outputs.

Functional programming is the future. It ensures mathematical integrity to computation of complex systems.

On another note, within functional programming context is critical. Therefore, all variables should be ordinal, because all variables need to account for temporality. This ordinality should be indexed to time, according to their present state within the program, and the functional dependencies of the variable related to their critical use.

Hygiene and Economy and God: How Bacteria, Fungus, Virus Steal Time

When you’re born (typically) your body inherits the microbiome of the mother. This only happens through natural birth. C-Sections prevent the baby from bathing in critical bacteria to culture it’s own microbiome for immune and digestion etc.

Viral infections are not passed to the baby. Viruses (99% of the time) do not pass the placenta barrier, and infect the baby.

So we know that most bacteria, good or bad, if untreated, is passed onto the babies. Fungus too.

So what’s interesting is that viruses do not pass onto child via birth. They can be transmitted in other ways, but the baby is virus free typically.

What’s fascinating is the babies are born “pure”.

As we go throughout life, we accumulate viruses.

They never leave us. They just exist in a dormant state. They also have the ability to change our DNA forever, or at least parts of our DNA through Viral transformation.

So we are born pure, then we accumulate all these bugs throughout our life. Some are treatable and can be eradicated (like bacteria), some are kinda treatable and kinda eradicated (fungus), and others are kinda treatable and never eradicated (virus).

As we age, we accumulate these bits of parasitic material.

Some we pass on, others we don’t (or at least not at first).

As you age and contract these parasitic bits, they change you.

It’s a weird thought.

We are never as pure as the day we are born.

Makes me think of the importance of hygiene and cleanliness— “Cleanliness is next to godliness”— and what hygiene and cleanliness says about a lifestyle, or even a culture.

How battling disease is so disruptive to everyday functioning, to economy.

And how the discipline of being hygienic and clean, though time consuming in the daily rituals, creates a net increase in free time not coping with disease.

Hello World

It’s Wednesday, a little after 10am, and I’m laying in bed, still in my boxers, laptop on my microfiber blanket situated on my lap. My upper torso and head is propped up by two pillows pressed against my fabric headboard. My girlfriend is conducting a ballet class online in the living room.

The Coronavirus lockdown is into its fourth week, and they extended until end of April, so another four weeks.

I’ve been struggling with motivation. We can’t leave our homes. Restaurants are closed. Retail is closed. Only a handful of “essential” businesses remain open.

It all began in February. There was vague reports of a virus in China, but that wasn’t entirely uncommon. It wasn’t until our motor factory suddenly went off the map, and production and delivery updates ceased that we became concerned. Then the Chinese New Year happened, then we find out that China is on lockdown, and less than 10% of employees showed up to the factory. This continued for several weeks, and it wasn’t until a month later than workforce production was at 90%. Meanwhile the virus seemed to began spreading globally, with reports in Italy and Iran, and in the USA with Washington State, Bay Area, New York City, New Jersey, and others. Since then it’s spread throughout the globe. Interestingly, it seems to effect developed nations, almost exclusively. Although, we shall see how India, who just instituted mass lockdown, and simultaneous mass chaos, fairs in this whole situation. I’m also curious to see if Africa is impacted, and to what extent. It could be catastrophic.

From middle of February to middle of March, the stock market dropped 35%, a historical decline. It rallied the past week and a half with news of a $2 trillion stimulus plan, but growing COVID cases and a reported expected death toll of over 200,000 over the next several weeks has slowed the rally, which appeared to me as nothing more than a bull trap or dead cat bounce. There was 3.3 million jobless claims filed last month, and economists expect over 30% unemployment by the time this is said and down. The supply chain shocks will be massive. I don’t think our economy will come out of this for years to come.

Meanwhile, my customers are providing some updates to their forecasts by pushing some orders out a bit due to sub supplier issues, but other than that everything seems eerily okay. I just don’t think the economic impacts have really set in.

I imagine the entire economy will collapse this year, at least for the USA. The government downplayed the virus since day one, minimizing and marginalizing it, no thanks for China’s propaganda which seemed to indicate it wasn’t as bad as inititally thought. I believe at the moment China is reporting just over a 100,000 people with the virus, and a few thousand dead. But there are stories of the cremation urn industry selling more than 40,000 urns… and we know China is keen to censor and distort narratives.

So now the USA, with its lethargic response, and complete ignorant disorganization, is facing an unprecedented experiment.

We shall see how it all unfolds.

Work has been okay, though my motivation has been struggling. Like I said, this is the fourth week of being trapped in an apartment. I went to Land’s End with my girlfriend on Sunday, the first time I really spent time out doors in over three weeks. It was so nice, so refreshing, to hear the ocean waves, to smell fresh blooming flowered, to observe the birds soaring in the breeze, and bathing in placid pools. The flowers were the biggest rush. The ocean breeze, its salty smell, mixed with seaweed and brine, blew over the shoreline, up the hillside where we walked, and filtered through the lush vegetation, wisping the scent of nectar along with it, right into my nose, filling my lungs, invigorating my being.