Super bowel

Sooo confused. What do I want to major in? I feel like my thoughts are sieving through my brain. Nothings sticking. My passion. God. I always come back to passion. Where are my desires? Where is my curiosity? I feel like I’m an empty vessel with gaping pores. I can never be full. Its constant effort. Always a battle. As soon as I rest I pay for it. Maybe I’m confused right now. I hate when I feel like I know what my problem is, and for some reason that seems like enough to do about it. Just knowing what it is. Thats no solution. gosh.

blah blah. I am feeling lazy. Tomorrow I’m working out. I worked out last week… SOOoo sore. So sore I couldn’t give legitimate hugs this week. They were half hearted. So sore I felt like I had the flu. I always forget to ease back into it when I take like… over a month off. Thats ridiculous. Over a month?? Michael.. totally unsat.

So my classes… I feel like my brain needs to catch up. I have quite a bit to do at the moment. Lacking the enthusiasm to do it well. Therefore it doesn’t get done cause I only wanna do it well. what shitty logic. I need to just do. Do and do and do. I wanna get laid. I need to get laid. There are all these girls, but no friggen desire to pursue. What the hell? I am crazy. Actually, no. There are not all these girls, and thats the problem. Horrible ratio at this school. 30/70. Wow. no girls. As much as I want to believe this school is terrific, I wanna punch it.

Speaking of punch: I bought some potassium nitrate the other day. A whole pound. Gonna make some fiery, smoky things. That go fizzle and boom. We’ll see.

There is like… 10 ft of snow everywhere. I wanna jump in it naked. Aimless. I need to shut myself off from the outside world. When I have too many thoughts, my brain shuts the fuck off. I become over stimulated and suddenly, go blank. It sucks. When I control my thoughts, and only think the shit I want, everything is better. I’ve done this in the past by not going online, not using social networking sites, not partying, not talking to random people, or not doing anything that doesn’t pertain to school and or books and or studying and or clubs and or organizations. wtf. I get depressed when I get so shut off.

Its ok though.. cause, while I’m not really depressed now, I feel just as empty. And I’d rather feel a little sad and full than empty. phooey.

Tripping to Mount Hole

c. 2006

A giddy anxiety ran over me. I was excited for the night. Last time I dropped was late spring.
The four of us exchanged our excitement towards the upcoming night. My parents would be home soon so I urged Alex to divi up the animal crackers.

“So you have 20 huh?”

“Yea but I’m trying to save some for later,” he said with a half smirk. “you gotta hold on to this shit when you get it.”

“bro. If you’re gonna trip you gotta make it worth it. One hit will give you a body high; Two hits is cool. Thats when you start getting some trails, some visuals. Thats when you can start havin fun. I’ve done two though and when you’re on it, you don’t wanna stop peaking. You always wish you took a few more. I’ll buy five off you?” I looked at him with a smile. He could tell I was up for a hell of a night. “Dude, do five with me.”

“bro”, he said with a laugh,” This is my first time.”

“Whatever dude. I wouldn’t tell you if I didn’t think you’d have the best time ever. And if your trippin with me. You know it’ll be the best time you can have.”

It didn’t take me long to convince him it was more than worth it. All I needed to do was get pumped about my adventures with lucy. Playing with lights. The visuals… spaceships… cotton candy plants. Fake plastic trees. Grass growing. Vines that come alive like curious little creatures.

It was liquid acid blotted on animal crackers. Pure. We split it up. I had five. Alex had five. Jon had three. Zac had three. Smiling, we held up our doses and looked each other in the eyes to bid each other fare well and safe travels to another world. With that we placed the crackers under our tongue, and waited. We waited until our saliva digested the crackers into a gooey dissolved paste, then we swallowed.

Thirty minutes later the excitement began to rise. I looked at the kitchen stove clock. It pulsated bright green: 8:30pm. The night was young. My parents would be home soon. I gathered the troops. We hooted and hollared out the door and into my jeep. Where were we going? The spot. The location was a mile or two into the woods where giant mountains of dirt lay next to sand dunes and glimmering pools of water. I had tripped many a time in these dark woods.

Music blaring, positive vibes flowing, we pulled along side the intercoastal and parked under the bridge. I checked the clock. It was rounding 9:00pm. My senses were heightened. An anxiety was brewing in my chest. I smiled, hard. So hard that a euphoria swept over my body and took my breath away as I stepped out of the car. When I opened my eyes my world was brighter, but farther away. Everyone piled out, water bottles in hand, and I locked the door. And so the night began.

Jon and Zac were trading their hopes for the night and Alex walked ahead as we made our way to an over grown path.

“I feel it; Its coming” I expectantly declared.

I took a step and the ground lit up. Another. It sent a bolt of white light throughout the ground. Every step I took the ground lit up like magic. I hooted and ran into the forest full sprint.

I could hear them shouting behind me, “Hey wait up. Where you going, I can’t see!”

I just smiled and ran. I felt like my limbs could carry me forever. It occurred that I felt covered. Covered in what? Am I feeling the lingering sensation of branches brushing past my body, or is this something else?” I slowed and begin feeling my limps and face, inspecting these sensations. My heart began to race uncontrollably as the thought swept over my: Spiders. My body convulsed as I flailed, trying to rid myself of the webs and any potential eight legged creature that found its way on my body. I was ‘freaking out’.

I could here the guys making their way through the prickly path, their feet crunching as they spoke amongst themselves in a confused tone. I calmed myself.

“Hey dude! don’t run up ahead we can’t see!”

“You guys scared?!?”, I gleefully remarked, almost to cover up my freight. “We can walk this part out, lets go”

We continued along the moonlit path as we hacked at the overgrowth and webs. I looked down and saw shadows moving. Are my eyes deceiving me? I focused intently and took a few more steps. The shadows scattered. What on earth? Before I could ask the question, it occurred to me: roaches. Big, juicy, fast roaches. Repulsive. I warned the guys and we quickened our pace, hopping over streams and eventually reaching a clearing.

in the nutshell.

c. 2005

“I laid there, awake. My eyes felt heavy and my thoughts were still fuzzy. The fan circulated cool air over my naked body. I felt dehydrated. Ever since I moved to Florida, where it’s 80 plus even at night, I found myself waking up with my clothes torn off. Behind my eye lids I could tell it was bright. I cracked them to inspect the room only to be met with a blinding burn. They remained closed. I thought about the previous night, or what I could. My body felt sore and my stomach felt upset and nauseas. I wanted to curl up into a ball. Instead I tried to forget about the pain. I rolled over on my side and rubbed my eyes. I could smell the lingering smoke on the tips of my finger. I thought about the cigarettes I smoked last night. Chain smoked. Packs. It made me all the more nauseas. I cleared my throat and began coughing, releasing phlegm and a thick mucus, probably mixed with rotten tar and chemicals, into my mouth.

I don’t know when I decided to get up but I know it was late. Probably the early afternoon. I didn’t bother to look at the clock. I walked to the bathroom and relieved myself. It was an awful feeling. Like releasing the demons the infiltrated me the night before. I stripped and looked at myself in the mirror. Skinny. Bony. ‘I’m losing weight.’ I thought to myself. ‘Not worried about it. I can pull it off.’. Like that was good justification for the abuse and lack of attention to health. I looked like shit. I took my shower and got dressed for the day, looking through my cell phone and trying to compile the events of the night before. I got wasted. Pretty high. I think I took a xanax bar or two. It was 2:30pm when I walked out the door.

The air was hot, humid and sticky. It felt like I was swimming in it. I jumped on my pink skateboard and called Jerry for weed. I’m not big into smoking; only when I’m bored and start thinking about how shitty everything is. I got the number of his friend so I gave him a call and we arranged to meet up. I forgot to ask for his name. Oh well. It was in a close neighborhood, not a bad skating distance. I continued to think about the night before. It’s Saturday today, last night was Friday. I don’t think I’ve gone for a full school day in some time. I started thinking about how school was going. It made me cringe inside. I started feeling discouraged. ‘Fuck it. I’m not built for school. My mind doesn’t have the attention span for the classes. Why do something if I don’t know why I’m doing it? Or if I don’t care? It’s a waste of time and energy.’ I continued these thoughts as I cruised down the street.

Jared. I remembered his name. I rolled up to his street and saw him walking towards me. We greeted like old friends, exchanging the handshake and half hug. He was sorta ‘ghetto’ but maintained a cool surfer/skater edge. I don’t even know.
We talked as we caught up about random bullshit. He gets excited as he starts telling me about his week.

“So bro, earlier this week it was soo crazy. I almost died. yea. I almost died. No joke it was crazyyy. So check it out. I was in school and the school police officer was checking my locker between classes and I had painkillers in my sock so I dipped to the bathroom and sorta freaked out. I just popped like eight percocets. I was in class like drooling. Callin out and talkin shit to the teacher. Haha. It was so funny. I was tellin big black kids to shut the fuck up, tellin my teacher to suck it. I was sooo fucked up.”

I thought about everything he was saying. It was surreal, his excited mannerisms that indicted his exuberant excitement of an experience that he, most likely, barely lived to tell about.

“So like after school I was so messed up I couldn’t even see straight. I was walking and everything seemed far away. So I remember walking to a bus stop and there was a lady and I walked up to her and just stared at her. Haha. She asked me if I was alright and I just stared. The crazy part was it started raining and I just lied down on the ground and passed out. Yup. Straight up just passed out on the curb, traffic going by, this lady staring at me. I woke with an ambulance there and I was in a stretcher and again I woke up in a wheel chair at the hospital. They said I was sitting there in the rain throwing up on the ground. It was sooo crazy, scary, but I think that’s most I’ve ever been fucked up! It felt sooo good though!”

I was entertained at this aim of being extremely ‘fucked’ up’. Like it was living on the edge. I knew it was stupid, but it seemed appealing. Seemingly satisfying to think about the possibility of not feeling, yet feeling so good. I enthusiastically explained my adventure the night before. Something I barely could make out, but had done it enough times to make up a pretty probable scenario for us to both laugh and kid about. We walked to the corner of the park where we exchanged money casually. Almost simultaneously a white Cadillac creeped around the block in our direction. Tinted windows and gaudy gold rims. Probably our drug dealer. I laughed at the quaint stereo-type. He told me he’d be back. The car pulled up, he hopped in and took off down the street. I sparked a cigarette and walked to a bench a little ways away with a nice awning for shade. I sat down, placing my face in my hands. I rubbed my scruffy unshaven face, running my fingers through my hair. It was long. I liked it long. I felt weathered, seasoned, experienced. I scratched my scalp and looked to the sky. It was gorgeous out. Never mind the heat. The sunshine was worth it. The palm trees, the birds gracefully catching the heat thermals enabling them to effortlessly float high above.

I picked splinters in the picnic table with anxiousness. Would he fuck me over?As I thought this I looked up to see him walking in my direction, a wide smile sat under his glasses.

“You smoke?”

“Dude- this bud it dope. He had blunts rolled and we sparked one up and just blazed. I hit that shit so hard.”
I was a little jealous but I knew I was getting high soon. I didn’t feel like splitting the weed up, figured I’d smoke it in a few hours anyway, so I suggested he just hold onto it. He pulled out his bowl, packed it, and handed it to me. I sparked it and took a huge rip, holding it with my cheeks almost bursting.

I was high. At first a little high. Then very high. So high I couldn’t think. I actually hated this feeling every time, but I enjoyed it over feeling sober with the cold facts of reality screaming me in the face. I don’t know where my parents were today. Then again I really didn’t care. We sat there for a good while before getting munchies and making our way to his house.

I grabbed my last share of a little weed nugget and said peace. I headed toward the direction of home. I wasn’t going home though. I got on my phone and made some calls, checking up to see what everyone was up to tonight, returning the phone calls of people I decided against talking to while I was stoned outta my mind. The sun was going down. It was getting darker. I was gonna get fucked up tonight. Drunk. Maybe some crazy shit if I’m lucky.”


I met a girl not too long ago. I want to tell you about her.

So i met her through my mother. She’s always tryin to hook me up with these blonde bombshells. I think she wants to keep the blonde hair, blue eye genes in the fam (I’m blonde, my mothers blonde, my sisters are blonde). Anyway…

So we became acquainted like a year ago…emailed a few times (she was in australia and new zeland) I met her officially a few weeks ago. Shes very interesting. I don’t know what else to say about her. Shes all over the place.. out going and ADD like. Not usually the girls I like. Usually I like the classy girls, refined and elegant. This girl is all about adventure and risks… jumpin off bridges, climbing stuff, surfing, skating, etc, which is totally cool with me. She brings out my playful side.

So like… we hung out a few times before I left for school… didn’t really drink… just like.. played… had fun… chilled.

OOoo… It was so funny.. after we met for lunch and we were saying goodbyes I told her I’d enjoyed her and I’d like to do this again. She reciprocated the appreciation.
The next day we made plans… I asked if she was down for sushi… she asked if I was down for latin dance. Wow. I never done that before. Shes a ‘Medicinal & Biological Chemistry’ & ‘Dance’ major… with minors in biology and mathematics. Anyway… her latin dance class needed some males as partners… and she invited me along.

Now… this was way outside my comfort zone. Totally outside my comfort zone… BUT… I’m up for new things. So I went. It was funnyyy. I was totally too serious. She laughed at me alot. It was fun! I was just tryin to do well… learn something. I’m not the one for salsa… ha.

Anyway.. apparently she’s got a boyfriend who lives in australia. ‘first serious relationship’ she says. Which i think is bogus as crap. Who the hell gets into their first serious relationship with someone they met for a few months.. and in australia? so whatever. I obviously don’t care.

So anyway.. she calls me and texts me and we hang out. Now that I’m back at school we’ve been talkin every night. Some weird shit happened a few days ago thought. I made a harmless comment about… something that possibly insinuated something about us. I dont even know. She write me this email sorta freakin out and blowin up on me like like I’d ignore her if she wasn’t goin out with someone so shes skeptical about us.

First of all… thats just freakin crazy biotch stuff. Usually I’d never talk to them again… but this girl… in all her craziness… is fragile in my eyes. I just interpret that as her bein a flaky girl… who is insecure. So I reply with a big… ‘wtf are you talking about?’… but obviously alot nicer. and she apologize and explained that shes had too many guys try gettin with her lately and than not talkin to her once she rejects them. Ok… crazy still. But I continue to look past. I back off and explain I’m not lookin for anything… no relationship (I’m in freakin Vermont… shes in florida.. whytf would I do that after just meeting her?). This helps things. We still talk every night. Despite her flaky behavior…I still think shes amazing. I’m crushin. I don’t care what kinda girl you are… if you call a guy every night… constantly stumble on all the similarities the two of you have… even after you have a boyfriend… than you like the dude. Don’t care if you say how great of friend you are. I personally think she thinks I’ll break her little heart and that scares her. I sorta just made up my mind that I like her and thats about it.


Happy thoughts!

okay… so i’m smiling right now. Its gaping and I have swirling butterflies and happiness in my chest. Im smiling the smile where you can barely open your eyes and you scrunch your nose cause your so happy and intrigued. I luv mah lyfe!

why? I dunno. I wrote the title to this and it created such a rush of positive uplifting feelings that i just went with it and it was like a mini high… i’m still riding it. So lemme update. Weeee


So many events. I’m back at school.. taking five classes… Calc II, Cog. Psych, Adv. Comp, Stats, Spanish. Not too bad. Still doing the presidential honor society and business club stuff.. so I’ll be extra busy. I’m SUPER excited to start this semester. I’m transferring… and I’m in the transfer process so… yea. A lil apprehensive. No..I haven’t started the essays… but whatever.

Do you know that you create yourself? Do you know that it takes 21 days to form a habit? Do you have any idea what that means!?!? It means you can be and do whoever and whatever you want to be. One thing at a time… wake up early? Read 2 hours a day? Study at this time? Go to bed at this time? Eat this food? Smile at everyone you see? Compliment at least one person a day? Make someones day a little better? 21 days!



In order to get what you’ve never had, you must do what you’ve never done.

Southwestern teaches you how to own at life. Some people will never be great. Some people will always settle. Some people will never dig down and beg more of their full potential.

Success is attainable, but not everyone will attain it. It requires vision, belief, hard work, discipline, commitment and sacrifice. Southwestern gives you a unique opportunity to hone these and all the other indispensable virtues needed to be successful.

The people who fail in life are the victims of their circumstances. Buffeted by the seas of life, they shirk in the face of adversity. They never take responsibility for their life. They never learn to be accountable for their actions.

In order to be successful—You must work harder on yourself than you do on your job.

When the Grid Goes Down

Amazing poem..I often think these thoughts:::

Allow me to add the following verse. I am reasonable certain the new president will be briefed on such unpleasant possibilities – and some much worse – as he settles in and finds that Franklin was uncannily prescient when he observed that if we do not hang together, most certainly we all will hang separately.

GWOT: When the Grid Goes Down

Here we sit with Vista wide,
Or with Mac Leopard at one side,
And networks on the other there;
We hardly have to leave the chair
Except to paddle down the hall
To eat or answer Nature’s call.

I ask you this: what happens when
The voltage fails – as evil men
Make good their hateful, promised words
To fell our modern house of cards?
We hurry back to check the screen,
But now there’s nothing to be seen.

Think of it! How great the change
Will be for us; how wholly strange
To have no power in the hall,
Or up the stairs, none at all,
To cool the air or heat the place,
Or in abundance, freely waste.

The car still starts – but that will pass –
Eventually, its precious gas
Will be consumed – the tank run dry,
Where would be go? I wonder why –
To fight for fuel; to start, then stop?
The malls are dark, we cannot shop!

One stares long at the empty sink;
The water’s off and we can’t drink
Without the pump we never saw,
Nor thought much of it then – before.
It does not drip – nor toilet flush,
The pressure gone, there is no gush.

So,d if a fire finds us here,
No fireman’s hose will come to bear
Upon it – quickly knock it down,
Without a main, flames eat the town –
The first responders will not know
To which disaster they ought go.

In several days (now, don’t you think?)
All but you and I will stink,
For, in the balance, is it soap
We sacrifice – Or, is it hope?
With no radio and no TV
Who will hawk for SUVs?

Nighttime comes – no porch lights gleam,
To welcome friends; the dark now seems
So Unromantic – worrisome
Which is safer? Here or home?
As stars provide the only light,
I find I’ve grown afraid of night.

We learn with speed that there are some
Who, in this darkness, feel at home –
And for that reason, we avoid
Aloneness – Safety’s in a crowd.
Or is it? Some work better when the day;
Is gone, and sunrise hours away.

Somewhere in an ancient dhow
A “proceed order” flashes now,
And zealots gather up their kit
To go and raise some hell with it.
With perfect faith – no fear to bleed,
They’ve all the power that they need.


Bloomberg Interview

So this morning… I woke up bright and early (830) for a phone interview I thought I had at 9:30.

I took my shower… got dressed.. was getting ready to read up on some current financial events, when the phone rang. I looked at the time… it was Bloomberg. I had mistakenly thought in my head it was at 930. Not so good.

So I answer the phone with a smile and greet the interviewer on the other line. yada yada…. he introduces a second interviewer who will also be listening and asking questions.

So basically… that ripped me a new one. Totally unprepared for that kinda barrage of Q&A. This was hardball- Wallstreet style.

What the hell is a Credit default swap? I had no clue.(I know now!)
Gimme your strengths and weaknesses. (Not an easy thing.)
Give me a recent development in the financial market.
Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 of your financial knowledge. (wtf… compared to who! I gave myself a four and explained that I know the scope of the current financial situation, but the nitty gritty I had no idea. I knew the theories behind what happened..yadda yadda.. but i was so nervous.)
What was your last job? Why was is important/valuable? (I explained my summer experiences running my own business, selling books door to door 13 hours a day 6 days a week for 12 weeks.)
So you can sell huh? Sell yourself to me… but you can’t use any catch phrases… and if you do.. you’re done.. and I’m stopping you. (WOW. I was totally like.. shit. catch phrases? How the hell can I think straight and not be that conscientious. I did my best… utimately… in my eyes… i blew it. ha!)

Anyway…. It was great experience anyway! ha.


I’ve been wrestling lately. With thoughts. I’m wondering if the Internet is a bad or good thing. Most of my free time is spent reading blogs,e-mailing, watching videos, reading the news, checking updates or just plain surfing. I find that traditional reading has become more of a chore than it used to be.

Its sad to think that’d I’d prefer to e-mail or message someone instead of call them on the phone. Catching up is done online. Catching up and conversing over a cup of coffee is almost unnecessary. I almost need something to do, like an activity or event to make our time a worthwhile experience. It seems like a waste of time when it’s all been said. After all the updates are read and all the blogs are perused, what else is there?

This is not a new thought or debate by any means. I feel that as much as this technology has made it easier and brought us together, I feel that we’re grown more alienated and impersonal than ever before. Even now I express these thoughts electronically, publicly.

I have a hard time remembering when certain people really knew me. When our relationship was something special and unique. That only a handful of people had the opportunity of knowing my day to day thoughts. I’ve become so transparent I feel lost. Where is the fidelity of a deep friendship?

Maybe this is a temporary feeling. I dunno. I suppose I’m speaking to a very niche crowd. I know there are many noncomformists who live free of the networking hassle.

Most people are not really free.

“Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves. They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision.” —V.S. Naipaul

This quote encompasses where I was for much of my life. I can relate to a time when I was a slave to myself and a victim of the world.
Reality is merely a realization of perception. If you change your perceptions, you change your reality. Many people are afraid to fail. Every challenge should be seen as an opportunity to grow as a person. The bigger the challenge, the more you must grow order to overcome it.
I am a firm believer that this life is exactly how you think it is. Whether you think you can or you cannot, you are right. Many people lack fail to see the opportunities in life. They fail to dream. Napoleon Hill said, “Whatever the mind of a man can conceive, and believe, the mind of a man can achieve.” Achievement is rewarded by the persistence and determination to see their dreams into fruition. When people are met with troubles and difficultly they shirk away and discard their visions, no longer feeling adequate for the challenge. Life ebbs and flows with every passing day, and every day we are not living out and striving to see our dreams come true is an opportunity missed.
Vision is monumental. The human mind is powerful beyond belief. It is nothing short of a miracle that men can take an intangible idea, which starts as a seedling of their imagination, and through hard work and persistence, actualize it and create it into being. The ability to create is what sets man apart from all other creatures. If we cannot see what we are creating, how can it be created? If one is running a race, and has never seen the finish line, how will he know when he crosses it? If there is no end destination, how will we know when we arrive? This is vision. Men without vision are lost, buffeted by the seas of life they become discouraged because they know not where they are going.
I have a vision. When I think of the person I am at heart, the person I continually refine myself to be, there is a strong sense of clarity. Every waking day I am met with a clear purpose before me. Each day is a goal in itself and as I progress through life I watch as the vision I laid out before myself years ago becomes more and more tangible. Every book, every challenging undertaking, and every relationship I choose carefully and pursue with excellence so that I may exemplify and uncover the potential hidden within me.

Narrative Biography

Within the first eighteen years of my life I had moved twelve times in six different states and had attended eleven different schools. This constant transition taught me invaluable interpersonal skills as I continually formed new friendships. I also learned to deeply value and appreciate my relationships.
In a series of events throughout my middle school and high school years, I lost some of the closest relationships I held dear. In my seventh grade year my best friend took his own life, hurling me into a confused and lonely state. As I slowly recovered from this devastating tragedy I was met again with the cold and penetrating sting of loss my junior year. My mother sat me down for a second time and explained that my close childhood and family friend had taken his life. These two experiences would change me indefinitely as I entered the dark realms of depression. My family thought it best to start over and again moved across the country to start over. Angry and resentful at myself and the world, I lost interest in the world around me and became rebellious. I no longer saw the significance of school and my motivation to better myself withered. While most seniors in highs school were busy taking SAT’s and applying to schools, I was seeking comfort in relationships that I hoped would heal my wounds.
I failed to graduate my senior year. Being a person who was so fascinated with the world around me and craved the acquisition of knowledge and understanding, I was, oddly enough, alright with that. Coming from a disciplined Christian military family with a strong moral conviction, this was unacceptable and soon I found myself living on my own. It was during this period about two years later that something miraculous happened. I saw myself where I was, and I envisioned where I always saw myself to be and was met with a cold reality. Where did I go wrong? While I was asking myself this question my mother had mailed me the book, “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. As I read this book I was transformed by the idea that we are what we think. I realized I had not been responsible for my thoughts and as a result, was constantly met with struggle and strife. I made a commitment to acquire the very best thoughts and began reading voraciously, consuming book after book by every successful person I could get my hands on. I slowly began modeling their behavior and the principles they lived by until, through discipline, I developed the habits and eventually character of a successful person.
Since then I have made and set goals for myself that I stand by unwavering. Goethe said “It is not enough to take steps which may someday lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.” I know that I alone am responsible for my success or failure and I am convicted that success is achieved through persistence and determination above all other virtues. I have a vision for my life and one day this vision will be fully realized. My aim is to help everyone find and tap into their fullest potential and find the best they have to offer this world. When Michelangelo was commissioned to sculpt the statue of Kind David, they asked how he was going to create such a fine figure out of such as enormous chunk of marble. His response was “That’s easy. All I have to do is chip away everything that is not David.” That is a powerful sentiment. I hope to show people that they have all the potential they need and all that’s needed is to lose everything they are not.
Since enrolling at my current college I have been successful at achieving every one of my academic, extracurricular, and personal goals. In one year I brought the business club of our school together as a team and organized a variety of fundraisers to local foundations, reinstating the club on campus as a legitimate organization. My proudest accomplishment has been with the Phi Theta Kappa (PTK) honor society.
Being a small school located in a semi-remote region in Vermont, there are very few study locations outside of campus. As enrollment increased over the years, students have found that quiet study atmospheres are hard to come by and began voicing this concern to SGA. Seeing an amazing opportunity, I set up a committee with SGA and collaborated with PTK to draw up a proposal that would allow for students to remain in the Center for Academic Support (CAS) after closing hours. The initial dilemma was that the CAS needed responsible supervision due to technology and security issues. To solve this I proposed that the PTK Honor Society students could supervise, while simultaneously provide academic tutor support to their fellow students. In the fall of 2008 the PTK Tutor Program was initiated and out performed all expectations. It was a win-win for the school and the honor society. Not only was the student population provided an excellent study atmosphere on campus, but the honor society was actively exercising its ideals of scholarship, fellowship, leadership, and service. We are currently initiating coaching workshops for the PTK peer tutors that will improve each student’s effectiveness as a peer tutor.

What is true happiness?

Hellen Keller once said, “Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”

I believe what Hellen Keller speaks of is Joy. While happiness is something that happens to us, joy comes from within. When one is committed to a worthy ideal, a worthy purpose, one is no longer waiting to arrive. Instead we recognize that the journey is the highest and most precious prize. No longer do we find ourselves waiting for better times, or seeking the ephemeral gratifications that life has to offer.
Earl Nightingale said, Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. I cannot think of a better definition. Lasting success yields lasting joys because our treasures are stored up, not in things, but worthy ideals.
One of the turning points in my life was when I realized this sentiment. I use to yearn for someone or something to quench my thirst for contentment and color the pallid landscapes of my life. Every one of these fruitless endeavors I sought provided what I was yearning for. It was only when I realized that what I longed for was nothing this world could offer. It was what I could offer this world. This penchant ignited a flame within me as I began searching for ways to offer myself to people in need. I soon saw a world in need of real truth. What they yearned for was living water that can quench their thirst for a life more abundantly.
The fidelity that Hellen Keller speaks of is helping people discover this Truth. It requires that we die to ourselves, our gratifications and our selfish desires, and offer ourselves up as messengers of this truth. We must accept life as a journey where we give ourselves to others. This is by no means an easy task, but it is the only way to attain lasting joy, or the true happiness that Hellen Keller speaks of.

My Summer Experience

First and foremost I would like to say that I am unlike 99% of the students that get recruited to sell books during the summer. I will also say that my experiences are like 99% of the people who sell books for Southwestern.

While applying for summer internships a family friend mentioned to my father about his experience with the Southwestern Company. I Googled the company and was met with a barrage of positive and negative information. I visited their website and gave them a call. A representative interviewed me and put me through an extensive webinar information session. I found out that the company recruited college students to ‘run their own company’ for 12 weeks during the summer by selling educational books and software door to door in some random location in the United States.

Being someone who was transformed through the power of personal development and books I was eager to seek out the most challenging experience I could find. I was already selected to work as an intern in Washington DC working in the department of defense, and as the administrative department for a highly successful contracting company in Georgia. Being a risk taker and spontaneous, I decided to try my luck at this Southwestern gig. After all, their alumni consist of some of the most successful people in our country.

While most students are trained and prepared for the summer by their student managers in the months leading up to their summer, I had none of that. I only spoke a handful of times with a district sales manager that I was assigned with.

Sales school. I was highly encouraged to be at sales school as soon as possible. So immediately following a semester of school and a hell week of finals that finished on Thursday, I boarded a plane for home on Friday, bought a Honda civic on Saturday, drove 13 hours to Nashville TN on Saturday night, arrived Sunday morning, slept 2 hours, and began a week of 17 hour days in sales school. What was sales school like? The most insane thing I’ve ever been exposed to. People running around practicing their sales talk (8 pages that needed to be memorized within a week) huge seminars with flashing lights and an emotionally charged crowd. We woke at 6:30am… and went to bed at 11:30pm.

Because I was signed up online I was assigned to a District Sales manager (DSM) whose organization attended the following week’s sales school. So I was placed with another organization and their leader (org leader). I was placed with a random person whom I was to place my whole trust into and commit to stick it out for the whole summer and do my best by being coachable and working hard, and in return he would always be there for me and always believe in me and never give up on me.

So anyway… by the end of sales school everyone was pretty much in these zones of positive mental attitudes and self talk. To say I thought it was a cult was an understatement. I called my father and explained that I was sorta scared. That these people are like robots… like the Scientologists you see on TV. Preprogrammed to be on a wavelength that you must meet them on. My father, a highly successful military man, salesman, businessman, and entrepreneur encouraged me to stick it out. He understood where they were and explained they were indeed trying to program me because sales is the hardest thing you’ll ever do if you aren’t mentally prepared. I knew and expected this and continued on.

After sales school we drove 15 hours to a remote location. I started off by knocking on doors to find a home for my fellow book man. (By the way, I really didn’t know anyone. I was swept up immediately and expected to somehow be on everyone’s level, be friends and connect with them and feel good about it).

I was sooooo nervous knocking on that first door. Sick to my stomach. What do I say? “*big smile* hi! My name is so and so and I’m with a summer internship from the southwestern company! *smile* I was wondering if you had an extra room you’d be willing to rent out while I work here for the summer?” Their responses were often so confused… and usually slammed the door before I knew what was coming. REJECTION. Continue on. I remember thinking… this is all part of the job… what the hell am I doing? Never mind that… go to the next door!

So anyway… eventually we found families for these students to live with and soon enough I began selling in my territory. My territory was at least an hour from my HQ (headquarters… or host family). This was when gas was $4.50 a gallon. I expressed this concern regularly to my fellow book man (who was acting as my student manager) and my org leader… but they played it down and told me to work harder and make the money to offset it. In one summer… i put 26,000 miles on my new car. I spent anywhere from $2500-3000 in gas. My fellow book men had territories that were 5-30 min away.

It was also located in one of the hottest and humid parts of the country by far… with daily heat indexes exceeding 100 deg. My territory had been worked really hard in previous years because every 10th prospect already owned the books. 90% of the Families worked at chemical refineries or they fished. It was good because in these small towns… everyone knew everyone. This meant… When one person bought… I could use their name and get referrals. The downside was that if something went wrong, or someone misread me or was plain paranoid… everyone knew. This was sometimes tough.

Anyway… Every morning I woke up at 6:29 (eventually, because I was loosing so much weight from running around and not eating I began waking up at 5:30am to work out at a local gym). We met up every morning at our breakfast spot… chipper and happy… ate breakfast… read a chapter from “The Greatest Salesman” by Og Mandino. Before we all left to go to our territories we would do executive exercises… screaming, yelling, jumping, chanting… to pump us up for a day of rejection… to instill positive energy into us that would jumpstart our day.

I wanted to connect with someone. Anyone. Every day I would work from 8:30am to 9:30pm. All alone… 13 hours a day… every day… 80 hours a week. All alone… hot… humid…. rejection…rejection…rejection… then a customer…followed by rejection…rejection…rejection. No matter what I did or didn’t do. There was no method to the madness. My room mates would get 10 customers a day… I would get anywhere from 0-6. In hindsight I should have kept the ‘schedule’ and worked through it. Instead I let myself think too much about how I can improve. That was a mistake… to do well you can’t think. You need to be a machine… churns through houses… get pre-approach… nevermind if people didn’t like you… see more people… more more more. I just felt lost.

No one likes rejection but I’ll say by the end of the summer… it didn’t even matter anymore. I was immune to rejection. The only thing that I struggled with towards the end of the summer is my physical, mental and emotional state of being alone, overworked, and having a poor attitude about it.

Initially I felt bad for trying to sell to people. People in trailers… do they need $500 worth of books? Are they going to use them? Half the time I thought hell yea they need these books, they live in a trailer and barely read! The other time I thought… they will never read them… this is a waste their money. I will say the product is great. The books are fantastic… well written, easy to use, and comprehensive. They cover everything grades K- 12. I realized that its not my decision to decide if they will use them or not. My job is to simply show them the real value in these books, and if they would like to buy them, great… if not… next house. Most people don’t know how to make decisions… my job as a salesman is to show them the value of the books, and help them make that decision.

At the end up the summer I ended up losing about… $500 from my own money. I made about $6000. $2500 less than average.

About two months into it… I felt so guilty for not doing better and producing the results I longed for that I began visiting the university and local libraries to read. That made me feel better. I actually felt like I was investing in myself and making gains. I read about 15 books the final month…everything from Goethe to Hume to Orwell to James etc. When I felt like crap I’d go to the library and read for a few hours… one day after two zero days, even though I stayed on schedule and worked 13 hours each day…I read for 12 hours straight…open till close. That made me feel better about myself.

Let me just say. I believe in this company. I believe in everything they do. I’ve read all the personal development books… and they changed my life prior to even joining with Southwestern. I believe that I was underprepared and that’s it.

Why was my summer so rough? A few things… I thought too much. My attitude was skeptical…I didn’t believe in myself…I was fearful…. and I didn’t stay on schedule (or develop the habit of going to the next door no matter what and getting 30 contacts and 10 demos) I will return this summer and sell again… this time with a team. I will prepare them and prepare myself.

This year I will again I will pass up an internship opportunity. I was nominated from a competitive applicant pool to work on Wall Street with one of the largest financial service companies in the world. I believe that The Southwestern Company practices what it preaches.

I believe we are our thoughts. Our reality is our perception’s being realized. Change your perceptions, change your reality. I will enter this year with experience, knowledge, and the pain of remembering where I never want to be again. I am going to succeed because I will work and stay committed. The only people who succeed in life are those who set goals and never give up until they are accomplished. Persistence and determination are alone omnipotent.

I will say that while sales is not for everyone…. everyone can do sales. Some may pick it up faster than others, but everyone has the potential. It may be worth more pain and sacrifice than many are willing to give… up the rewards are endless. You cannot cut corners to be successful. You must stick to the principles of success and learn how to become more efficient and effective at employing them.

I want to mention that the people who work with Southwestern are selfless.
My DSM got paid for my meager returns this summer. The organization I was with, the people who helped and coached me, who spent hours on the phone and conferencing with me to help figure out how to help me improve….. They saw no profits for helping me. I love these people. They are special and I will never forget them… even though I’ve resented and hated and questioned their intentions. I know they are successful, and will be successful.

Everyone in the Southwestern Company means best. It is a wonderful company committed to teaching how to help people help themselves. They are a business like any other… but they realize that the more you help others… the more you help yourself. Their motto is “We build great people, and these people build a great company”. And they mean it.

The people who are successful with southwestern go on to be great in life. I have met highly successful Doctors, lawyers, politicians, entrepreneurs, salesmen, school teachers, businessmen, investors, professors, athletes, dentists, authors, CEO’s, etc etc etc that learned how to be successful from the tools they learned at the Southwestern Company.

Never Give Up!

Camus: Silent Companionship

When I was young, I expected people to give me more than they could – continuous friendship, permanent emotion. Now I have learned to expect less of them than they can give – a silent companionship. And their emotions, their friendship, and noble gestures keep their full miraculous value in my eyes; wholly the fruit of grace.

From one of Camus’ entries; dated May, 1935:

He is at ease in sincerity. Very rare.

cognitive diarrhea

My thoughts have been flittering lately (is that a word?). Fragmented. It’s late right now. I have nothing worthwhile to say. Nothing to describe and articulate on. I have the very average sense of whats going on. Not too much I’d like to get out of me. I feel okay not expanding on it.

I wish my thoughts were elongated (does that make sense?). I wish I had more to say or think. I haven’t always been this way. And its funny… I’m constantly cycling through these periods of inspiration and dullness. I always look back for assurance to tell myself that life’s been better or worse. I can make the best appear however I choose looking back on it. Its not static in my world. Typically I look at my past as a thing thats hard to measure up to. That many people would have a tough time living a life as exciting and risky and fun filled as mine. Ofcourse I only remember the best days, or worst days that I triumphantly overcame. The days in between filled with confusion and listlessness almost don’t exist. But I know they did. In the case that my memory starts failing in my old age I still have my daily paper journals. The journals with the black covers and blank lineless pages that I fill with updates on the mood, particular attitude for the day, hopes, vexations, daily goals and routines. All that stuff. Its my log. Not so much of a poetic archive as it is a record. A record to remind myself of my average self over the years. Like I said, I always remember the past like its an immeasurable accomplishment. Those daily logs keep me grounded in that fantasy.

I was thinking back today on a lot. Highschool specifically (I always spell high school as one word…dunno why, but i won’t correct it this time). The days in highschool where life was this weird thing that you were born into… and it happened to you. the expectations were drawn up and you just grew into them. I thought I was broken when I didn’t ever measure up. when, in my junior year of highschool I had a hard time comprehending what college was for… who the hell knew what they wanted to do the rest of their life at this age? It hadn’t hit me yet. How do all these other people know?!? My senior year was the same… but this time trying was unfathomable. I was still waiting for my life to happen to me. Somehow I would start accomplishing great things and measure up to society’s standards… or my familys expectations. I waited and it never happened… I waited so long that I became bored… and a little anxious… so anxious and bored that i began seeking out activities to fill my time. Activities such as binging of all sorts of magical substances. I thought these would jump start my perceptions. That some how these substances would provide me with a newer and clearer understanding of lifes purpose. I can now say I was wrong. And if i was still actively doing them i would still be wrong. and every time i drink I realize how wrong I am. They offer nothing. eh. Fun for the moment but thats about it. Listen to me… I sound like a pathetic recovering alcoholic. The truth was… I wasn’t messed up at all. A little confused but thats about it. And as soon as i began believing in myself… and in results… life got real easy.

so i’m pretty much amazing. no really. I am great. I mean.. as a living breathing thing… I am irreplaceable. ha… just talking like that makes me feel good. hehe. Talking like I’m some god. Though I often entertain the idea that I’m pretty much flawless and godlike. I wonder if thats normal. I wonder if other people think thoughts like that? hm… don’t care. i know I’m not but what I think gets me a little closer than the rest is knowing I will never be there. Thats when acceptance and all that comes in. I’m bein crazy again.

I read this quote…
“Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves. They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision.” —V.S. Naipaul.

Its pretty much amazing. Its also scary. I’m concerned I’m not living. Of course we all think we’re living it up. Doing all we can do. The truth is… YOUR NOT. I’m not. No one is. We’re all disillusioned. BUT.. we do choose the illusion. I’d like to improve it. I can. It takes will… believing… all that stuff.

I need to wake up early, go to the library… and study for like… an infinite amount of hours. I need to bang my head up against the wall and snap out of it. I want to crawl outta the niche I’ve carved for myself. Too comfortable. Thats the problem with this world.. me and you and everyone… we’re too damn comfortable (thats why i like working out). Pain means gain. I BELIEVE THAT. no pain, no gain. If your green your growin, if your red your ripe (whatever that really means.. i like it anyway). I need pain in my life… eventually.. and i know this from experience… it gets easier and less painful. Why do I second guess myself? Why do i think lifes soooo easy?… why do I always… and i mean… ALWAYS wait for it to get a little easier? All i do is cheat myself out of time… precious time.. and I only have so much… and opportunity… cause there is only so much opportunity that time can provide. UTILIZE YOUR TIME. err my time.


Time to get serious. I have soo much to do. I’ve had too much time for break. I need to practice good habits, organize goals, write out plans and to do lists. I need to prioritize.

I have an exclusive internship opportunity with Bloomberg Financial services in Princeton, NJ or NYC through family connections. I’m pretty pumped but we’ll see what happens. I know I have a solid internship opportunity in place already… several actually. I want to make the wisest decision. I think working for one of the largest and most successful Financial Service companies in the world will be an amazing experience and only help my resume. I need to do some research on the company before the interview next week.


So I’m retaking the SAT’s…. its been six years since I’ve taken them. They’ve changed a little. I’m not looking forward to studying… I got about two weeks to study every day. I estimate I’ll need to study a minimum of 4 hours every day to achieve the test score I need. Discipline. Do I have it??

I had a dream. I’ve been having some weird ones lately. Last nights was crazy. It was about my summer job. I was working with a bunch of my friends and we were just thrown out onto the book field. We talked to people as we went house to house. They were cool. It was bizzare. I can’t put everything that happened into words.

I know this kid. He’s an alcoholic. His face in my dream was really red. You know how an alcoholics face gets… all red from the caustic properties of the ethanol. His face was peeling. Almost like sunburn. He was all hungover. A total wreck.

Last night I went to a restaurant/club with my friend… it was called… DadA’s. The DJ played very cultured and awesome music. One band… The Brian Jonestown massacre… very awesome & highly recommended. Good times.

I need to work out. Its been many months. Like two. Which is totally unsat. Its disgusting. I ran the other day and have been biking but its no replacement for some metal free weights. I feel like I put on a few pounds… A first in my life. Many would say I looked better than ever, that I look normal… and that the really fit, muscular look was unattractive. I think those people are on crack. Since when was being in shape unattractive? I don’t need bulging muscles… but I do need to be lean and cardiovascularly competent. hmph.

Quick Entry.. about the break.

alright… quick entry… its been awhile. This wont do my break justice… I’ve done so much. I still have another 2+ weeks of break. Sooo busy. Busy applying to schools… Got accepted as an official candidate for the United States Naval Academy. Need to get a congressional nomination. Need to finish scholarship applications. etc.,

Goin to a club in deerfield in about… ooh. 3 min. My friends pickin me up. Hes a pro drummer and gets access to all the club action. some guys payin for his tab for helpin him set up his system.

best friends came down from jersey to visit. last thing in the world I wouldve expected. I literally jousted him with a dig. A semi- challenging comment regarding his spontanaity and risk taking experience. he too it to heart… convinced my other best friend… and drove 1200 miles to see me for new years. we got shit housed. went kayaking. too many details to put in here.

Oooo… I dropped my 500 GB external hard drive. each time i think about this I wanna cry. really cry. all my school work. all my essays. all 180 dvd movies i ripped. omg. but… I’ll get over it. Material possessions. Sic transit gloria mundi…. thus the worlds glory fades. in an moment.

I did too many drugs this break. Tooo much alcohol. I spent over a grand in about 2 weeks… strictly in alcohol and other adventures… clubs… women… etc.,

I’ll write more later…. HOPEFULLY!… hopefully with more detail. SOoo much goin on in my life right now. I’ll be leaving for a convention in TN in about 4 days. Huge pep convention for my job with Southwestern. Aight…