Month: November 2006

im excited. ive got this vision and fire inside me thats inextinguishable. its amazing. Ive got these visions and dreams and all this good stuff for my life. I no longer worry or fret or dwell on the past. its the here and now. and doing things that will put me in a better position and closer to where i want to be in the future.. whether it be tomorrow or in a week or next year.

basically im really happy. im not looking around on my journey. im set on my path and im not sloweing down for anyone or anything. obstacles, whatever they may be, are only ggoing to make me stronger.

im just excited. Im on my way.

People never say what they mean.

and why do i think that? cause i do it and i think everyone in the world does it. it allows the people who really want to figure you out the opprotunity to do so without leaving yourself exposed for the whole world to judge and pick at.
i mean. i think there’s a little more to it but im just summarizing.

another thing.

It’s a shitty thing when people don’t care about other people. its another shitty thing to care about people who dont care about you. but. in the end i feel better knowing that they’ve got someone to listen to them when everyone else’s abandoned them. so i love.

i realized that trying to hard is too obvious. whether trying to be something or someone or get something or someone or achieve something or go somewhere. in the end… you bring this attention to yourself and people say to themselves… there’s way too much effort involved here. i can almost hear people thinking it to themselves when they see it. when they see it in me. when they see it in others. so what im thinking is dont make yourself change. dont try. what people need is the firm resolve of a determined soul. there is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can curcumvent or hinder or control it. (ella wheeler wilcox.) i dunno. you just need to operate in the subconscious rather than the conscious. you can’t control every little tick-when your consciously in control. so envision it, capture it in your heart, your mind, your soul, so that it becomes imbedded into your being- your subconscious. it will operate on your behalf without you even knowing it. and you will do things so much more cooly and confidently because you wont be exerting any effort.

🙂

i like to park in handicapped spaces
while handicapped people make handicapped faces

hahahahahahahahahahaha

alright so its not that funny… but the mental imagery of the scenario is.

Emerson is AMAZING! gosh i had no idea he was so good. Although he never conceded as ranking with the great philosphers who’ve juggled dogmas or creeds, what made his stand out was his great ability to interpret, rather than create. His writings are articulated and read in a rugged, poised, and concise manner, all while flowing poetically and conherently. He takes the most basic understandings and makes them so profound and spiritual. While your reading you’re just blown away at the perfect perspective he’s taken and is accounted for as he relays his message. Anyway. I’ve read “History” and “Self-Reliance” and both have really opened my eyes to a new light of literature. Maybe before i wasnt so willing to recieve good literature. i need moreeee

if you do the things you need to do
when you need to do them.
someday.
you can do the things you want to do.
when you want to do them

i love that. and i really do my best to live by that.

i saw everyone that i havent seen in ages the past few days. It was great. i saw alot of people i love dearly. its funny. change is inevitable. i welcome it with open arms. we change. people change. things change. nothing truly stays the same. thats why everyone should welcome change with optimistic open arms. It’ll be good. anywayyy. its good to see everyone.

im reading jerry and esther hicks book ‘the law of attraction: the teachings of abraham” its pretty interesting. I use the word interesting cause i dont know what other word to use in its place. i guess ill go on to describe why i think this. in the first few chapters it talks about all this supernatural energy and channels and stuff. i am trying to reckon it with my conscious. i do believe in the spiritual world. I dont really care what the skeptics believe. Its tooo overwhelmingly positively affirmed that the spiritual world exisits. and quite frankly its just a matter of how much time each person has taken to get in touch with it. i believe its the source of true happiness. BUT. i do ultimately have my faith in God and the Bible.i believe it absolutely contains lifes greatest answers and you know, its easy for someone who hasnt experienced something to judge upon it. and you have to look at all the facts and take steps of faith with each lead in order to grasp the bigger picture. anyway. im trying to figure out if “the teachings of Abraham” are of God or of some other spiritual power thats not of God, but ultimately decieves people into putting thier faith into these entities instead. like demons and what not. i dont know if ive accurately explained what im talking about. im talking about people who are channels with “spirits”. and you ask these spirits whatever you wish and it will provide answers. i mean. im talking about the same spirits that tell those people on tv about the future and the spirits that operate in the all too real game of ouiji. i mean. they exist. and honestly only if you are open to it. and i guess im trying to figure out if these laws of attraction explained in “the law of attraction: the teachings of abraham” will bless me or ruin me. anyway. hm. ill read on and deduct using my reasoning.

love

mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mooosshhhhhhh

NEVER SAY NEVER.

i lvoe my friends. and i love life. and i love doing things i DONT like doing. cause in my mind i forget about how much i dont like doing this…or how much id rather be doing something else.. and think that im building my character and becoming a better person. self sacrifice. all that.
and right now im totally euphoric. i think about the future and whats in store and its amazing. unlimited. UNLIMITED. and i love this new book im reading. in the beginning i was a bit perturbed because of some interesting views and philosophies but all in all the book is full of inspiring power. its called “The Magic of Believeing” by Claude Bristol. anyway. its good.

and i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

and i feel a little bad that i havent seen anyone lately and i havent been keeping in touch with as many people as id like to but the love is still there. Forgive me! im just doing my own thing. and thats the only thing thats gonna get me to where i wanna go. anyway. loveeeee

ergh. i hate anxiety. and right now im thinking myself in circles. gosh. anyway.

i dont wanna work. or. i dont wanna do something to earn money that takes up the majority of my time and its not even something i enjoy. poo. work ruins everything. not really tho. id be po and in debt if i didnt have a job. actually. i bet i wouldnt have any debt cause i wouldnt putmyself in any position i couldnt afford to be in. ah. mo money mo problems. unless ofcourse you have such an overwhelmingly amount of money that bills and debt are non existent in the sea of accumulated wealth. i want that.

i almost died today. or it felt like it. i trained to the point where i was saturated in blackness from the intensity and repeatedness of being kicked, punched, choked out, or submitted in some fashion. honestly it wasnt as bad as im making it seem but i pushed myself to the limits. and it felt heavenly afterwards. i’d probably compare the euphoria to some drunk meaningless sex. it was that good.

other than that… i accomplished alot of productive, good errands and appointments that i’d been meaning to carry out. woke up.had lunch at pyro’s (yumyum). ran into a friend and had a good talk over lunch. took at friend to school (due to the carless state he’s in as a result of hitting two cop cars on US1 while mildly drunk… yeaaaa.) that was my good deed of the day. went to staples and bought a bunch of stregical supplies that’ll keep me organized and motivated. got a car wash. read. watched a motivational movie. met more ppl for more food and more lunch. went to school. scheduled the last of my credits so i can get my goddamn diploma and go to college.(hopefully that’ll be over and done with in a few weeks) relaxed. ate some more. went to my martial arts class. pushed myself hard as living hell. and now im chillin. that is a damn productive day in my book.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Those who cannot tell what they desire or expect, still sigh and struggle with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, November 09, 2006

what i want

right now.. and i mean at this moment…i dont wanna know anyone. i wanna live in a hole and think and do what i want. and read. forever. and honestly drink coffee in a tree. or maybe on some moss surrounded by ferns. and continue reading into the day until i find myself in a flowery grassy meadow where the rivers gurgling is heard not too far off. and i can read and smoke a pipe. and drink tea. and sit under a great tree thats wide and full with life. and ill sit under it in the middle of a field. and maybe that girl will be waiting there. and we’ll sit there and read and reflect and have intelligent conversations. and not worry about time or anything like that. ill have a pocket watch(only for looks) and she’ll be wearing a white dress and ill only be wearing jeans. and ill have long blonde hair and she’ll have long flowing blonde hair. and there will be a path i follow home thats been trodden with barefeet all summer long. i want to be able to breath deep and with every last breath, savor the aroma of life all around me. the nectar and the blossuming flowers and the lush green leaves. i really want to get lost in a book. and nevermind the little bugs that fall onto the pages, but shoo them along and smile. i want to climb trees and pick apples and look at the beautifully pristine blue sky dotted with white cotton clouds and the suns soft rays. i want to look up at lively weathered trees as tall as sky scapers and run through the forest. i want to go home to a cozy cottage with all the necessities and none of the excessities;). i want to have a little wood stove and a little wood table with little wood stools and a little wood desk tucked away in the corner by the window. i want a library and a bedroom lined with decor from my adventures. there will be no wants or needs. i will provide for myself and her. and there will be no distractions. no image. no drama. no lies. no wants. no evil. nothing unecessary or distracting from living a simple and fulfilling life of happiness and the persuit of knowledge and wisdom. i want a pretty little woman with no selfish desires left because ive taken care of all her needs. because i love her. and she’ll love me.

and when i gather all the wisdom a man can carry ill go out into the world and share it with everyone. and everyone will listen because im wise and ill know how to appeal to the longings of their deepest desires.and they will know everything i say to be true because it will be the sweetest thing they’ve every heard. and ill share with them my secrets and many men will find true meaning and they will share this meaning as i have done. and slowly the world will become a better place.

until then. i need to focus on developing myself despite my circumstances so one day this might happen.

🙂

im reading this book by robert greene. i suggest picking up any of his material. other than that. i havent gotten drunk recently. which i guess means ive been pretty bored lately. um. im hanging out with girls im interested in now that ive got free time. im committing more energy to my physical fitness and overall health now that im not destroying my body every night i go out and drink a handle or a case. um. i want a girl to fuckin challenge me. ive got challenge but i really want someone who seduces me. if thats even possible at this point. hm. lifes pretty good. i like this one girl. hm. we’ll see what happens. life is good. it is. ive done good the past couple months and its times like these where im totally clear headed and free of guilt and regret that i enjoy it. cause it has no place in my life. i guess im gonna start meeting new people and make some new friends. feel like its time to spice it up. im gonna be extremely selective with who it is i befriend. hopefully i can learn from them. learn and read and reflect and repeat. dont make the same mistakes twice. cause thats not learing from your mistakes.. thats not being smart. thats just dumb. go with what works and abandon what doesn’t. work ethic is important. it seethes into other areas of your life. which is a good thing cause you realize what hard work feels like. anyway. gonna go hang out with dino. he’s in town. its been too long.

um. i got way too drunk. in fact. i quit drinking as a result. otherwise… from what i remember it was good. aside from one of my best friends being totally lame to me and saying lame shit cause he’s whipped. anyway. no more booze. ill be sober for the next couple months. count on it.