Month: June 2007

i feel good. i mean. i had crushing anxiety for the first time in a long while, probably due to the immense amount of alcohol consumed during my stay in orlando at UCF. eh. anyways. i had a good time. i had this anxiety ensue after the first all-nighter drinking so i drank it away.. and it came back and i drank it away to just short of a incoherence about 4 times in 48 hours. anyway. it was fun. ive never drank all night to wake up at 1030am and drink till drunk, pass out for an hour and continue drinking for happy hour till the point of purging. anywhoooo.

not a lifestyle i could maintain for any length of time. ill be honest. i enjoyed seeing my friends. hm.

im planning a road trip. i swear to go im renting a car and going by myself if i cant find a worthy sidekick or two. im really excited to just drive.. and drive and drive to far off lands. ha. super cool. camp and meet strange people and drive through small towns and huge cities and all that cool stuff. um.

im feeling inspired and enegergized right now. not a genuine feeling ive felt in a lil while. its good. it runs through my body and resonates in my mind as tranquil and fiery. i am at ease. lemme think real quick.hm. ok. cant wait to go away to school. bye.

for all its worth, discontent might be the most helpful burden ive ever carried. Ive struggled my whole life to be content. chronic discontent. i think its a perfectionism that thrives inside me. i need ideals to be exact without any room for vague aim. I thrive on hitting it on the mark. and thats the only thing that brings me a ray of happiness. at any rate. i love pursuing the unattainable. Just the feeling of gaining that confidence and understand at the metaphysic level of any of my passionate endeavors is more satisfying than any prolonged noble responsibility ive carried out; no matter how much character its suppose to build in the longrun. i love understanding. i love reason. anyway. its a blessin in disguise.

sometimes i get so caught up int he art of living i forget how to just live. i love the feeling of being totally at peace with myself. my mind decides ‘so what’. I overthink and care so damn much. I take myself way too seriously way too often. im constantly trying to understand and be in some kind of control. i love letting go. i overthink people. myself. situations. conversations. life. reading. writing. God. death. life. man. i think about thinking and think about overthinking till my head hurts. I love when my mind is like ‘mike. i dont give a shit anymore. im tired of you trying to get me to think about stupid shit.’ and then it just starts thinking these amazing beautiful things. My mind wonders if these beautiful directions. I stumble across beautiful thoughts and feelings. and i breath easy. crazy? i dont care. i like it. and when i write and look and appreciate details. in people. and art. and writing. and gosh. the details are what make life so great. anyway.

cant wait for school

”Shes great. Her name is Mrs. Devine. and she is. her fresh blonde hair. the way it softly bobs just above her shoulders. her baby blue sweater. fresh white capris. those soft eyes that tell the world how beautiful she thinks it is. that smile that rests at the perfect kind understanding smile youd get from your mother when you did something wrong and it was sorta cute. she walks effortlessly. and laughs carefree, breathing deep the fragrence of life. she hears music and slowly sways her hips followed by her arms trailing softly behind to the music. she floats along. i smile. i wonder if she knows how beautiful she is.”

It was spring but it was summer I wanted; the warm days and the great outdoors.
It was summer but it was fall I wanted; the colorful leaves and the cool dry air.
It was fall but it was winter I wanted; the beautiful snow and the joy of the holiday season.
It was winter but it was spring I wanted; the warmth and the blossoming of nature.
I was a child but it was adulthood I wanted; the freedom and the respect.
I was twenty but it was thirty I wanted;to be mature and sophisticated.
I was middle aged but it was twenty i wanted; the youth and the free spirit.
I was retired but it was middle aged I wanted; the presence of mind without limitations.
My life was over but I never got what I wanted.

if anyone knows the author lemme know.

sometimes you learn you have nothing in common with those you surround yourself with. in order to make friends you have to decide there is common ground for trust to take place. you can respect someone and that is the first step. but trusting that their ideals are in line with your own is a whole matter of settling if in fact there values are of equal weight and importance as yours.

point being. i dont think i have much in common with alot of the people ive made friends with the past few years. i try to think. at one point in time i did. pastimes are usually the connection. morals or ambitions had nothing really to do with it. ive come to a point in my life where values and ambitions has everything to do with it and i dont see too many people who even give any more than a wisp of after thought to their life and current direction. i wonder. i have no idea

We huddle around a candle in a box. there are dim shadows behind us lurking and creeping over our shoulders. always lurking. tapestries and murals and post-its and tacks holding memories and thoughts and loves and likes and dislikes and horrors and dreams and visions all together for easy access. if by chance the urge to reminisce or remember should present itself we’ve created a wonderfully organized map in our mind. I’m searching under and sifting through the debris that falls from the walls for lost recollections of nostalgic moments frozen in time. you forget the goodness each one paid to you as you add more and more clutter to the walls and cabinets of your mind. sometimes you need to tear these carefully organized murals of that pretty life down and start over. sometimes you get tired of routine and the same pictures and people. sometimes you’ve constructed such a flawless life that its flawed in its very essence. perfection is an allusion. idealism leaves you open to trusting the possibilities towards good fortune. its upsetting to realize that trust is the very thing that leaves you vulnerable to pain. often we construct the ideal setting in our mind and we live it out accordingly. blind to the reality, sometimes cruel reality, that we need to remind ourselves. remaining logical covers this a great deal. it helps keep the objective in focus and letting your defenses counter any flak that would cause harm and inflict damage on the journey there. we can redirect our guidance systems to ensure safe arrival or a secure abortion. so sometimes dreams and hopes are just out of reach. a tragedy.

soft soft secrets whispered in the ear. a charming smile follows the sensual chill down your spine to the tips of your toes. you curl them tightly and breath in a breath of invigoration. your eyes close and you are engulfed with those feelings. those white clean feelings. they pull you from reality and your conscious submerges into a silk bath of a white snow, so fresh and crisp, that emanates a deep warm feeling like that of a wood stove. it almost heats you from the inside out. indistinguishably fresh, yet warm and crisp. love and affection.

im anxious to get away. ive been doing the same thing too long. i tell myself it builds character.. bein patient and all. ever since i remember ive been moving and changing schools and houses at least every two years. and ive lived here for three. and its sorta gotten stale. and im looking forward to moving to vermont. i like newness. its so exhilarating. never something i fear. meeting new people. you create yourself a new life everytime you move. youre no longer inclined to fall back to the same people youve always known. you can be specific with your friends and prove yourself as a friend worth having. i need challenge. i suppose i could work on perfecting the aspects of my life at the moment. such as work and… lifting… and… geeze. its boring here. everyones away at school. the past two years outta highschool proved to be sobering. i know where i do not want to be. i also realize that the kids that jump out of highschool into college have no idea what reality is. like until they’re 22. they’re always been provided with structure and submersed with people who have similar minds and ideals.. i mean college is where you want to be. you learn. you make endless friends. you socialize and party. its just not the real world. theyre are no pressures of paying the bills such as rent and utilities and car payments and food and insurance and cellphones and groceries and somewhere, with enough loose change, buy clothes. and friends are hard to find. i mean outside of work who are you going to spend the majority of your time with. its la la land in college. you know its there but its not reality. its like seeing warfare and knowing all about it but the reality is gruesome and nerving. anyway.

having little value in this world wont get you paid alot. so to increase your value as a person you need to either a. have experience or b. an education or c. be an amazing salesperson so you can convince those your more educated and experienced than the guy next to you they want to hire. having all three of these puts you in a good position.

i miss being a kid. laying on the beach. thinking about how comforting life is. smile at the cute girls and pass notes. laying in the grass or on the beach for hours. leaving little notion to any schedule or priorities, cause there were none.
eh. i wanna design a life for myself worth living. where work is enjoyable and rewarding. the people i work with have the same ethics and ideals. i want to find a wife who wants the same life i strive for. the same morals and values. beautiful and loving. understanding most of all.

ive got alot of issues i gotta work out. i think it gets passed down from generation to generation. when you do something the wrong way and never learn how to do it the right way, you teach others to do it the way youve been doing it. and it doesnt work. until someone finds out the right way to do it and breaks the cycle. anyway. my parents have issues. and i think ive inherited alot of them. no blaming just the reality. i dont even realize half of them until im being confronted, leaving me ill prepared. usually they end up in a disaster. if im wise ill get it right.

a seriously interesting thing i was thinking about recently. a revelation of sorts.
i dont think i know how to love. i don’t think i ever really felt love from my parents. i mean. they cared for me and took care of me and provided for my every need. but i dont think i was ever loved. now. that sounds stupid i know. i do know they loved me but they never expressed it. they told me. but i never felt what it felt like. i actually felt more love and comfort from my friends which is who i sought and valued over anything in the world for a long long time. i struggled with having self worth the majority of my younger years cause i never valued myself. that all led to massive depression and suicidal tendencies and all sorts of psychotic episodes involving drug binges and overdoses. i dont blame my parents but i don’t think they were ever loved. they came from very dysfunctional families. i know what it feels like, love. to love someone. i have the feelings and all that. but its an unbelievably scary thing to show someone you love them. i almost don’t even know where to start. its paralyzing. showing feelings and all that. so i don’t. and i run and push them away to avoid pain and the unknown. the few times i did open up i couldn’t keep it together so i got deeply hurt. and most definitely hurt others. i could expand forever on all the vexing supporting evidence but i just felt like touching on it.

yepp. anyway. so they say “intellectual passion drives out sensuality” interesting quote.