Month: August 2007

streets and houses made of stone

rolling hills. streets like hardened lava cascading between houses into intersections and into the city where they seem to spawn skyscrapers. Where the grass is fleeting and retreating where it can hide and the trees try growing as far up as they can to escape the grips of the inorganic claws of cold strangulation and meek design. but you cannot parade over the whole landscape and never for long. tufts of courageous life pry their way between the cracks. their roots dig deep into the brittle rock where soil crying out to be tapped waits patiently for sometimes hundreds of years. They pump nutrients intravenously into the green stalks and thier broad leaves above where the sun shines and energizes.

a stone was hurled into the hillside. we carved it with our hands into a dwelling place. the earth took us in and we sank comfortably and securely into her arms. mothernature wrapped her vegetation around our waist and insulated us from the elements. vines like fingers inch up the walls to hold us tight and remind us we’ve been here to long to go anywhere. we commemorated the dwelling place by erecting a steeple and marking the chapel archway with roman numerals from the year of our conception. we ring church bells to syncronize our minds with time. we sleep cooly in our dwelling knowing there is tradition. and we are established.

it hurts when you hear the truth. people get defensive and hostile- instead of indifferent. they take it personally and feel the need to form an oppositional opinion to counter any sense to the argument.

people are how you chose to perceive them. enough. you judge. you treat them exactly how you think they should be treated. because of your insecurities. sense and judgement

effort. what is effort? its a battle against the will. why not align yourself with your will. if something requires effort and is hard to do- why not change your attitude and make yourself enjoy the task. youll be faster adn more proficient garantee. and youll like it. cause you said so.

this is friendly

I was thinking.
If you’re serious…. are you fearful?

hm.

i want to be calm, subtle, forceful.

what do i get out of thinking. i struggle with this whole thinking and doing thing. i have all these thoughts. unceasing yet never enough. i have to pursue magic. i could draw a line through everyday and although it wouldn’t be linear, it’d offer a collected outline of me. but who the fuck is that. who is me. who am i every day. i have this chameleon personality. I take over the mentality of the surroundings, objectives, subjectives, interests, points of view of whomever i choose. I am whoever i want to be. I am a master at being who you love the most. I chose whose affections i draw from, based on all sorts of factors, emotional progressive social intellectual good righteous creative different unique factors. i can choose who i really want to be. effortlessly. when i try and its less than genuine, maintaining it isnt worth the effort. my biggest pitfall are my peers. when i didnt have direction, my adopted mentality, demeanor, mannerisms, would prevent me from being myself. Now that im done with pleasing people, which is incredibly hard not to do, i find that pleasing myself is the biggest challenge. it requires constant upkeep. People are easy. repeat that to yourself. Smile. give then attention. genuinely pursue your interest in them. Just listen to them and tell them what they want to hear. if i cared what anyone wanted to hear i would be friends with everyone. People want love. unadulterated love. not gay love that you give to someone you feel sorry for. love like passion. Something that isnt abused but is respected. people want to be understood. I can understand. problem is. i cant understand myself sometimes. Its like. you know what you know. and only when you know… is when you are somebody. you are a nobody unless you know what you want. and you want people to verify that. well. you do. whether you think so or not. you are pursuing those people, however invisible at the present time, that will relate to you and encourage and validate you. Im missing those people. I guess thats why people go through friends. they lose interest in the people who dont evolve with them. who dont validate their renewed understanding of self.

my biggest pitfall are my peers. people who are not in anyway verifying this immaculate image i strive to construct for myself. its hard when youve never found them. and maybe these people… they see that they arent the ones. and on occasion, maybe you convince yourself out of desperation that they maybe the ones, and maybe they get on a high horse and think theyve figured me out, but its just pure desperation and soon that high is ruined, and so are they, even moreso for their pride that shines so obviously through a supple occasion of vulnerability for the sheer sake of exhaustion of upkeep. whatever the case. i think this is everyone. not just me. everyone loves affection. from whoever will give it. for validity.

Try.

“Whatever you’re doing, be all there.” Jim Elliot

I am not living in the past. i am not a collection of my past best efforts. Every second i have the option of doing my best based on my newly acquired taste of what it takes to be the best. i love being the best. i love perfection, or striving for it. i am not fake. im not going to be miserable by being negative. i am so happy with trying that there is nothing i will not try that would potentially get me close to where i want to go. i will try until i accomplish my goal. i will not have mediocre goals. i will know what the standard is just so i can blow it away. i will be humble and i will learn from the best. i will read and study the best. i will do whatever it takes to reach my full potential. I will have the best attitude. i will always try to reach my dreams even in the diversity of dream stealer’s. people with negative attitudes. people who always like to bring others down. the people who like to give reality checks. well. they can live a mediocre life if they want. They don’t know how to dream. Id rather dream a little and try little than dream a lot and try nothing.

“Whatever you’re doing, be all there.” Jim Elliot

I am not living in the past. i am not a collection of my past best efforts. Every second i have the option of doing my best based on my newly acquired taste of what it takes to be the best. i love being the best. i love perfection, or striving for it. i am not fake. im not going to be miserable by being negative. i am so happy with trying that there is nothing i will not try that would potentially get me close to where i want to go. i will try until i accomplish my goal. i will not have mediocre goals. i will know what the standard is just so i can blow it away. i will be humble and i will learn from the best. i will read and study the best. i will do whatever it takes to reach my full potential. I will have the best attitude. i will always try to reach my dreams even in the diversity of dream stealer’s. people with negative attitudes. people who always like to bring others down. the people who like to give reality checks. well. they can live a mediocre life if they want. They don’t know how to dream. Id rather dream a little and try little than dream a lot and try nothing.

self-destruct

I’ve done every drug but heroin. I’ve tripped on so much fucking acid dozens of hits. Soo many shrooms; pounds homegrown and picked from pastures. I’ve done so much blow- innumerable ounces upon ounces. I’ve ate so many fuckin ecstasy- dozens upon dozens. I’ve smoked god knows how much reefer- pounds upon pounds. I’ve ate so much DXM. I’ve chomped down so many pain killers. and even more benzodiazepines like xanax klonopins and valiums. I’ve eatin so much fuckin ritalin. I’ve overdosed more times than I could ever remember. I’ve vomited enough to fill several bathtubs. im had more sex with the most beautiful girls. the most fucked up girls. I’ve been to more parties and met more people than most people do in a lifetime. I’ve done more keg stands. more beer bongs. more bongs. more fights. I’ve knocked out so many kids. I’ve been in so many brawls. I’ve got so many scars. I’ve cut myself so many times. I’ve burned myself so many times. I’ve pierced myself. I’m tatted. I’ve dyed my hair. I’ve been homeless. I’ve failed high school. I’ve had friends overdose to death; two of my closest friends hung themselves. till their eyes popped out of their head and their face went purple and blue like a infectious pimple. I’ve lost 30 pounds from not eating. I’ve gained 30 pounds from wanting to get big. I’ve crashed cars. I’ve flipped cars. I’ve had anxiety till I vomited. I struggle with it every day. I’ve had depression until I’ve overdosed into severe unconsciousness. depression where i prayed i wouldn’t wake up for years on end, where breathing became painful. I’ve seen so much fucked up shit. I’ve moved twelve times in six states and attended eleven different schools, public, private, boarding, all boys, very small, very large. I’ve been all over the fuckin country. I’ve seen the richest rich; the poorest poor. There isn’t much I haven’t seen; nothing surprises me.  I’ve been fucked up for weeks. Months. Can’t see straight; can’t remember last month. Last week. Last night. Don’t remember what the fucks been going on. I’ve been to concerts, raves, clubs, bars, strip clubs, pool parties, bonfires extravaganzas, mega bashes, basement parties, mansions, yacht parties. You fuckin name it. My god. None of that has ever left me the least bit content. Nope. Not at all. When that shits over I usually felt worse. The memories are good, but I can’t live in the past and forget about the now. That shit is all stupid. It fucks you up. Kills you. It’s a hole. A bottomless pit that eats you up and you fall faster and faster and it gets harder and harder to examine what reality looks like and you crash. Hard. I’m done living like that. life will be there when you wake up. Unless you never wake up. you make it good and worthwhile.

anyway.

i could go both ways with this. my thinking is extremely unfocused. my thoughts are really dull and incapable of inspiring me at the moment. i am really fucking dissatisfied right now. i dont know what the fuck i want. im sick of people. the same people. im sick of the atmosphere. im sick of being nice for no reason at all. im sick of trying. just kidding. see. im gonna take that and shove it right up my ass cause thats crazy talk. im looking forward to getting the hell outta here. i want to make my life. and i want college and school to be over. i want my first class education so i can work for myself and own a penthouse in the city of new york or boston with a giant loft where me and my wife can sleep in on the weekends. i want big giant windows over looking the skyline and i want my Mercedes sl55 valeted to me every morning for work. i want designer furniture, clothes, jewelry. i want to eat health food and go to my three story corporate gym every day at 600am so im nice and refreshed before work. i want to go out on friday night. stay home on saturday night. go to church on Sunday morning and read in my study the rest of the night. i want a huge library of first editions. i want teak wood paneling and a massive mahogany desk at my home office. i want a home in aspen where i can fly to once a month for a extended weekend trip with my lover. i want my house on the beach in Newport where i keep my sailboat nearby. My consulting job would call for me to travel two weeks of every month to destinations in europe and the Mediterranean as well as japan and korea, and maybe even south Africa. i want my children to attend to finest preparatory schools so they have an open mind and can tackle anything thats put in front of them in this life. i want them to work and earn for everything they have so they come to appreciate the little values and principles of life like discipline and organization. i will have the money and power to give them the opportunity to do anything they’re imaginations can come up with, with the exception of nothing at all. my wife will be a stay at home mom with the other housewives. she’ll never have to rely on money. she’ll pursue her passion of art or design or photography with unlimited support from me. she’ll conjure up something to cook every night im home and ill tell her how amazing it tasted; except on saturday evenings when i take her out on our regular Saturday night dates and eat at the finest restaurants and cafes. my wife will be naturally blonde and slender. beautiful stunning eyes that cause me to catch my breath every time i look at her, even after 5 10 15 30 years together. she’ll be sophisticated. smart. charming. classy. creative and talented. cultured. ambitious. dashing. deep. simple. positive. health conscious. primmed and proper. encouraging. and even when she’s not any of these things ill remind her that i love her anyway just because i chose her and its nothing she did or didnt do that made me love her from the second it hit me. and ill be there for her through it all. and she can test me all she wants.

so anyway.

dreamm

if this is your life. why wouldnt you want to make it the happiest most creative positive joyful uplifting inspirational gleeful existance ever? why not try to do the best you can in every thing you take on. why wouldnt you think only the very best thoughts. thoughts that capture life and invigorate from the inside out; radiating through your eyes and illuminating the world around you, even enhancing the world for the people around you? i dont understand? why wouldnt you try to conjure the very best of those thoughts and actions? do you not know what that looks like and feels like? than why dont you search for it and try to find it? if it was under your nose, and it really is, you wouldn’t know unless you looked. why wouldnt you wake up every day excited to upturn another of lifes wonders? gosh. life is never always good. those hormones are never really reliable. but you can control one thing. and thats your thoughts. and you know what can change a mood pretty quickly? a single thought. i single word can change a mood for the better. so why why why dont you search for that word every day. that fleeting satisfying goodness that could sooth any ache the day could possibly lay in front of you. attitude. its all about that. our self talk. we need to improve it. have uplifting self talk.

im not an idiot. im not naive. im not ignorant of the troubles around us. or circumstances. I like to make my circumstances work for me. I like to be incontrol of my life. I cant control what happens to me, but i can control how i react and handle it. I am responsible for my life. I do not like the thought of circumstances and happenings controlling my mood and thoughts. i like to capture every thought and have it work for me in any circumstance.

i like to be an idealist. realists are just like everything else innate on this earth. idealist see what can be. realists see what is. what kind of world would we live in if no one ever dreamed. realists dont dream big. they dream small. i like to keep things in perspective, but you know what, the craziest people out there contributed the most creative material and ideas this world had seen. what if edison was a realist? or da vinci? or graham bell? or tesla? or marconi? or ford? or daimler? alexander the great? or i mean. even Jesus. idealist think of possibility. its easier to work with what we know, but unless we think of what could be how would we approach learning?

where is the hope?our minds can take us anywhere. create whatever reality we could possibly concieve for ourselves? DREAM.

Awesome Random Music

“Good” Better Than Ezra
“I Got a Girl” Tripping Daisy
“Back For Good” Take That
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s” Deep Blue Something
“One of Us” Joan Osborne
“In the Meantime” Spacehog
“Drugs” Ammonia
“Everything Falls Apart” Dog’s Eye View
“Popular” Nada Surf
“Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand” Primitive Radio Gods
“Flood” Jars of Clay
“Pepper” Butthole Surfers
“Counting Blue Cars” Dishwalla
“Novocaine for the Soul” The Eels
“Just Between You and Me” dc Talk
“Your Woman” White Town
“The Freshmen” The Verve Pipe
“Call Me” Le Click
“The Impression That I Get” The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
“If You Could Only See” Tonic
“Brick” Ben Folds Five
“Bitter Sweet Symphony” The Verve
“Sex and Candy” Marcy Playground
“Closing Time” Semisonic
“Save Tonight” Eagle-Eye Cherry
“You Get What You Give” New Radicals
“What It’s Like” Everlast
“Praise You” Fatboy Slim
“Beautiful” Joydrop
“Blue (Da Ba Dee)” Eiffel 65
“Take a Picture” Filter
“Absolutely (Story Of a Girl)” Nine Days
“Hemorrhage (In My Hands)” Fuel
“Around the World (La La La La La)” ATC
“Butterfly” Crazy Town
“South Side” Moby
“Drive” Incubus
“Smooth Criminal” Alien Ant Farm
“Wherever You Will Go” The Calling
“Wasting My Time” Default
“The Middle” Jimmy Eat World
“The Boys of Summer” The Ataris
“Headstrong” Trapt
“Ocean Avenue” Yellowcard
“One Thing” Finger Eleven
“B.Y.O.B.” System of a Down
“Feel Good Inc.” Gorillaz
“Just the Girl” The Click Five
“Low” Cracker
“Blow up the outside World” Soundgarden
“” The Cardigans

“tom’s diner” Suzanne Vega