I ask myself if or when a turning point will occur, if and when I will wake up and have another revelation that will shake my soul, the kind of revelation that unhinges any sense of comfort and ignites a reckless drive to conquer whatever fear I’ve been hiding behind, masked as a placating security and satisfaction.
When will I wake up again?
How long will I be asleep?
When will it be enough?
Will it go on and on, like a wheel that undulates, that turns over and over, but never rolls to a standstill?
Will I attach to these fictions forever, as a means of getting by, because weakness has wormed its way into my bones and made me fragile?
The only way I make myself hard again is if I break. But at what expense? If others are an extension of me, who must I sacrifice to kill the ego that chains me to myself? How much of myself must I remove to really reinvent a sense of purpose? What is necessary?
I wonder if this will prolong for the rest of my life, this shallow steady state that gets me by, that barely hurts, except by the ache of mediocrity, the dull ache when I compare myself to the masses and convince myself that good is great.
How can I kill this part of me so that I can guarantee rebirth?
So much has happened, and yet I’ve documented so little.
On May 28th I conceived my firstborn on LSD with my girlfriend. We were struggling to align on our future. I wish I wrote about this conversation and period as it was unfolding, because it was very difficult. Aligning was very difficult. We struggled to meet in the middle, and though I was being my best version, I still struggled to provide the vulnerability that she needed to feel secure enough to fully commit, and cease tendencies to hedge and rationalize damaging behaviors to a devoted path. Somehow, this conversation allowed us to emotionally converge, and the result of this emotional openness resulted in a physical openness which lead to conception.
On June 28th I began a new position as Vice President for a publicly traded global management consulting company.
On July 1st I took her father out to dinner and asked for his blessing to marry his daughter, and expressed my best intentions for her.
On August 23rd I discovered I was having a son.
On September 30th I viewed the first full anatomical ultrasound.
On October 3rd I proposed during my birthday getaway weekend to Sea Ranch/Gualala. After I proposed at Pebble Beach in Sea Ranch, I took her to an Airbnb in Gualala where I blindfolded her and surprised her with an engagement party with about 35 of our friends and family that flew in from all over the country, then drove 3.5 hours to our cabin. I felt blessed, and unworthy of such love. I only wish more of my loved ones could attend.