girls

Part-E.

The tentacles of their gaze wrap around me. I look away to escape the entanglement. My thoughts are reluctant to turn with my head: they are transfixed on the motioning masses. Huddled in clusters, they divide themselves evenly throughout the room. Every so often bodies will detach and absorb into another cluster, near or far, like a firing neuron. They maintain a hum, a gentle hum, a hum that cackles and keeps the insipid look in their eyes alive. They pour more of the intoxicant down their throats, trying to consume it with coolness, not realizing it is them being consumed.

I avoid their eyes. I don’t want to stir their mind. I want to see them as they are: complacent automatons molded and shaped by self fulfilling events. A glint of metal whirrs above me and a cool malted fragrance mists the air and settles on my brow. It smacks against the wall with an empty crack. Deep cheer and laughter erupt from one of the clusters. A boy stands with his spine erect, like a conquering hero; a rapacious smile hangs on his face as glistening liquid drips off his lips and soaks into his curling facial hair. I watch as their dull eyes reflect admiration, but I cannot make out their praises. I examine the once whirring metal, now motionless on the ground: an empty beer can. A hole punctured in its lower quarter. Shot-gunning.

I force myself to look around. My eyes return. I do my best to maintain casual eye contact. Do they see the fear in me? Are they afraid it is I that sees the fear in them? I want to be alone, but I stay. I have roles to fulfill; people to please. I pull a smile across my face. I feel my lips tighten and mimic the expression of a voluptuary. I tell myself I am pleased. I continue to scan the room. Make eye contact. My lust admires the youthful figures shifting in front of me: Boys and girls, courting one another with self-conscious precision. They have practiced this routine, this dance, these gestures: The alluring batting eyes; the coy retreats that indicate bashful vulnerability. They beg to be swooned. To be noticed. They don’t want to be taken a fool. They are ready to play this game.

The boys stand tall, proud, chests out, chin erect, like adolescent steeds. Their loud gestures fill the room, sweeping motions, legs spread, trying their best to dominate as much space as possible.

RelationshipS.

“Have you ever considered that if you were in a healthy committed relationshipt, in stead of it being a distraction or a nuisance , the both of you can support each others’ quest to accomplish goals, convictions, principles, visions, purpose, direction etc. It seems to me that you view relationships as a manipulative temptress rather than a companion to share and grow with. I would like to hear your response.” -Anonymous.

Well… depending on my mood, state, and current relationship status, my answer to this comment might vary a bit. I’m pretty bored at the moment so I figured I’d think this little comment out, see if theres any validity to it whatsoever, and answer according to my current convictions.

As I read this comment (oooh! good song came on.. ‘girl inform me’ by the shins)… as i read this comment it seems like its coming from someone who doesn’t know me very well. Or someone who thinks they know me well, but obviously does not. If they did they would know that I don’t really waste my time with relationships unless the person is exactly what I want in a girl. I don’t have time in my life, and they don’t have time in their life, to be with someone who doesn’t want them 100%.

At this time in my life my goal is to succeed and create as much potential in my future as possible. I am making up for lost time. I wasted much of my time when I was younger with these distractions- parties, people and girls. I am not saying they didn’t help shape me… I just wasn’t headed in the right direction when I should have been. And I say ‘wasted’ because very few of these people actually cared enough to encourage me to pursue my best… and I don’t necessarily blame them cause the vast majority of people out there don’t even know what ‘best’ is. They just float on.

Anywayyy… my goal in life is to succeed as much as I humanly possibly can considering the hole I dug myself into in high school, and the time I’ve lost. This means my priorities are #1 school (includes studying, clubs and organizations, internships, and any other educational or academic endeavor)… and #2 preparing for grad school (studying for a flawless gpa and LSAT, and building networks with future successful people).

Going back to girls. Beyond school… I really can’t be bothered. Not now. I may be MADLY in love… like… my heart hurts and my knees are weak in love, but that will never compromise my commitment to my goals. I will be committed to that person, they just can’t have priority in my life..not now anyway. I will be there for them, Love them to death, do everything I can for them….. EXCEPT… at the cost of my grades. Girls come and go… they have and they will. I’m looking for one that decides to stick it out… one that sees that all my hard work, my focus is FOR THEM.

I AM NOT WORKING OR STUDYING SOLELY FOR MYSELF. sure its great to achieve…its actually amazing. I love accomplishing goals… having desires that I just own. But in the end its pointless and meaningless if I have no one to share it with. Sure friends are nice… but I’m talking intimacy.

The honest to gods truth is that I am working to provide for my future wife. That women who is patient with me, who loves me, who will have my children, who will support my endeavors as I support hers. I will love someone so much one day… that I will be DEVASTATED if i can’t be all that I am meant to be for them. Every day I am working to give more of myself to my future wife- physically, emotionally, mentally. Anyway…

I am looking for a symbiotic relationship…where we can grow together… reach new heights together. and just be in love. LOVE IS PATIENT. Read 1st corinthians 13 and that’ll show you what I want in a women.

Relationships… yes… I love supporting people. I love encouraging people, I love being able to show people what success looks like by being a leader, a living example.

“Manipulative Temptress”… These words sound spiteful. I have love for everyone. I want to say that the last thing I try to do is intentionally hurt someone. Communication is key. I don’t want to manipulate them. I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I am not about selfish people, close minded people, stubborn people, prideful, egotistical, etc. I just will not waste my time with these relationships… I’m beyond it… my relationships don’t need it… nor does my life… nor do my future kids.

All I have to say is that one day… one day I will find someone who I love uncontrollably and loves me back. This love will be pure, innocent, and most of all… patient. It will put no constraints on fate. It will be genuine, forthright, and honest. I know I will find this because I will not settle for anything less. I will not let myself think that a relationship must be any other way. No relationship is perfect, but I believe that two people can make a commitment to work towards perfect… work towards harmony… work towards unifying their body, mind and soul.

Also… I believe that love is not something to be courted. If it is so, it will be so. No forcing it, no faking it. It will come effortlessly from within. The chemistry, the attraction, the fondness, the butterflies.

Also- It is not the end all be all. My companion will not make me happy. They will not ‘make’ my life any better. That is for me, and me only. My happiness rests in my hands… just as my thoughts do. We will complement each other, supplement each other, and believe in the best life has to offer for each other.

***

Other than that, theres not much to add… I could rant on forever. I don’t know what else to say, or how else to address the consideration…

I’m tired…night 🙂

babbling about women

Women. I have this thing. I want the best. As it pertains to a Woman who’s the best well… she’s gotta want the best. Not superficially. I’m talking about ideally. Ideals like wanting to live the most fulfilling enjoyable life possible. Someone who realizes the control that we have over our thoughts and actions to bring us to our every circumstance. Actions that shape our character and circumstances that shape our destiny. I want a woman who is it. Inside and out. It may be a bit lofty but then again you get what you ask for- and I refuse to settle for anything less than what I see is achievable. I will never settle for the bare minimum.

I’ve personally found it a waste of time to pursue the majority of women out there. Its a waste of time. Most of the women my age are just getting out of the hormonal thing. They’re just figuring out what they want- some never figure it out, some of them decide to settle for mediocrity, and some.. a very few.. aim high and don’t give much thought to anyone who’s not looking in the same direction. Women are usually a waste of time. I love women, I have many girlfriends and all that- but the good ones are seriously… rarely to be seen. And i personally could spend an awful long time looking when i could be getting my career on so when I do find her- I can give her everything and she’ll be like, “Now this is the kinda man I’ve been looking for”. I don’t like wasting my feelings or thoughts or any of that stuff when I could be directing them to get me where I want to be.

Some people would like to say that I need to explore and maybe their right. I’ve been told more often than not that you find the woman when you aren’t looking at all. I believe that. Some people think I’m afraid of being hurt, or afraid of opening up and exposing myself. Those are plausible theories but I don’t think that I’m ready to buy into any of them. I’m very aware that the next few years are important in jetisoning me into the direction for success. I don’t have the time or energy for flakes. Love would be nice but I’m not ready for it and I can wait.

As far as women go, I don’t want just any woman. I want an intelligent woman who knows how to carry herself, who’s humble and knows as much as I do that any of the blessings accumulated could be gone at any second and we wouldn’t be any better off than anyone else. You know.. all that good stuff… a creative thinker who’s chique and sassy and fun loving and easygoing and has naturally alluring sex appeal. Who’s a hard worker and committed. Who’s loving and thoughtful.

Actually… the biggest problem I have is finding a girl I’m actually sexually attracted to. Not in the way that I wanna dry hump their leg like most guys would do- but as it pertains to the chemistry between two people. Where, if I’m standing in the same room as her, I can feel her heart beating with mine. and I want to be with her, around her, and she makes my heart skip and jump and it’s effortless cause I wanna be with her and she wants me and there really aren’t too many other questions that need to be answered. Now that… that’s what I want. but she’s gotta be smart. I’ve had girls where the chemistry thing was good but man… when they opened their mouth I felt like they were dumbing me down every time i listened. I’m not trying to be rude or anything- it’s a true of the matter. so yea. life. school.

bed.

flower

I want some zest.

I want electrodes strapped to my body and turned on that my heart can skip a beat for fuckin once. Damnit. I am good. My efforts are yielding exactly what I thought they would. I am still not too content. Pity. I’m waiting. I’m waiting for life to take me by the throat and throw me to the ground. So I can rest and look up and see the pretty stars for once. I try doing it all the right way. Everything can be done more efficiently and effectively. You can always do it better: smile better, answer better, improve your tone, style, mannerisms, body language, and basic rhetoric to produce the best results for your efforts. I try real hard.

I want a flower. Yea. A fuckin flower. I want to white one with a little yellow center. And a bright green stem. And I want it in a nice little clear vase… smooth. I want it chillin in the sunlight. nah. I changed my mind. I want my little daisy in the ground. I want it in a pot. So it can grow and be strong and healthy. So I can take it with me. I want to look at my little flower and smile. Flowers make me smile. I don’t know why. Maybe past memories. Maybe I’m a fruit. But I look at their delicate beauty… the effort to grow out and up from a single seed. It reaches up. And opens it face to the sun. And it releases the most pleasing aroma.

I want a little flower for myself. Flowers. I think they remind me girls. Certain flowers. Some women aren’t so delicate as a daisy. They’re like rose bushes. I don’t know if I want a rose bush. They got issues. They’ll prick you as soon as you go to holdem. Damn roses. So nice to look at and smell. That deep and alluring erubescent shade of passion. And that scent that drives you wild. So nice to be around. Not so nice to hold and get close to. Their petals are tight and it’s like they won’t let you in.

I prefer a daisy. Their a bit more wild. Innocent. White and yellow. Pure and happy. Delicate. Slender. They are pretty. I like girls like that. Free and pure and happy and carefree. Open and innocent. They don’t need you but they want you. A flower wants to be appreciated. And I do. They want sunshine and rain and open fields. Hm

Anyway. All that flower business.

thoughting

there comes a point where you run out of answers. the bandaids dont seem to stick anymore. you have to hold them on the wound to prevent bleeding if you ever want it to heal. love never goes away. youd think that it would. everything passes. new days rise and fall. the seasons come and go. the new dies and passes away turning to old. why then does love persist just as strong as the first moment my eyes passed her way and caught glimpse of the embodiment of love should look like. idealism just doesnt work in love. there is nothing ideal about love. about being selflessly devoted to another. and not having answers. try to hold it together. hm. i wonder. sometimes i feel like dwelling on the past is a horrible thing. then i rationalize and call it reflecting. well. it hurts. i feel like i always have an answer, even if it isnt the end all be all it answers the here and now. that suffices me for a shortwhile. till i find i need more answers. i should place my faith in god and the future and do my best at what i know is right.

i lie to myself alot. i think. i figured it out. the new is new when its all you have. you need to replace the new with something innovative so it looses its zest and appeal. and if its ne

NEVER be decieved by women. They are a deathly seductive force to be reckoned with, but listen when i say you can see right through them. I do anyway. Woman dont phase me. Sure they have the power to. but i honestly dont give to much thought to their powers. They have no place in my life. i know what i want, and its usually very specific, and thats about the end of it. I dont believe anything out of a womans mouth. You know why? they never mean what they say. and the only reason they say anything is to convince themselves of what they believe in. Basically… all woman want is a reason to change thier minds. but dont give them a reason if its not good enough… or if the times not right. you shouldnt play games. You need to be secure and confident in yourself and tell them exactly what you think. anyway. ive got alot of love.

and i drove from south miami to jupiter in 55minutes… usually a hour and forty minute drive. woot. and its 4 in the morning. woot.