tropical storm ernesto proved to be fairly disappointing. although, however, it did provide some swells for some surfing pleasure. whatev. i am frustrated.
fuck you. you dont know shit. you think you know shit. your absolutely void of all character and anything moral. you contradict yourself and your intentions. you disgrace your own body and you lacerate your mind with unecessary trash. you whore yourself out to the masses and hide behind a hideous good soul. bitterness and resent follow your everyfootstep. burn in your simple ideology. bathe in your pride. you disgust me with your pompous attitude and thoughtless quips. where are you going? where will you end? think about that. think about where your going. because no one else important does.
i dont enjoy work. im not myself there. too much pressure. too much headache. i feel like alot of the management and some of the people i work with are a joke. dont get me wrong there i do enjoy some people there, and i find everyone interesting but its not my scene. i dunno. i need the money, even tho the moneys not really there right now. F it. ive just been under pressure with bills and money and really self conscious and full of anaxiety lately. i get this shit every once and awhile. nothin too prolonged but enough where i get uncomfortable and have to write about it to acknowledge it and move on. anywho. agh. im talking to this girl. shes crazy. i dont care about her alot, and thats only because i make myself not give a shit about her. deep inside i probably care too much but dealing with it is too much trouble when you have the option not to care. i am starting a new approach that incorporates caring. and seeing past her flaws, which are bountiful. eh. dunno if itll work but im tired of sitting around with no one. boo.
i went to a toga party. it was pretty rad.
so enough partying yadda yadda. im going to be a personal trainer. personally training people to get in amazing shape. its on. im getting my cetification. itll be on. that’ll get me through school and be a source of income i can always rely on. so thats cool.
and lifting in going good. i weigh close to 190. which is awesome. cheers.
i partied way too much this week. its catching up to me and for some reason im still crawling and it hurts.ive gotta make myself totally sober for a week. i had outta control experiences this past week. and for everyone who was there to share them with me you know what im talkin about. its wearing on my health and commitments this partying is. i dont like it one bit. im struggling to find motivation to go to the gym. i was doinng sooo good too. damnnnnnnnn. alright. reevaluate mike. stick it out. just get in there. eat right motherfucker. stop drinking beer like its a staple food product of survival. and you’d think like i was starving the way i ferociously pound beer after beer. ewwwww. it makes my stomache quesy. ive had that quesy stomache feeling all week. ive been horny as shit lately. im not gonna hide it anymore. ive been coming to certain relizations about being modest. usually im modest with my intentions. but im gonna start throwing it out there and snag a few. i need to quench that sexual desire. summer is almost done. its like… almost done. everyone leaving and sheeet. i hate it. all my peeps are dispersing once again. *tear* im sure ill make it through all right. whatev. good times this summer. especially the past month. shits been goin off like crazyyyyyyyy. holla.
my anxiety kills me. it eats at my insides. whyyyyyyyyyyy
GODDAMN AUTOMATIC TRANSFERS AND BEING IN DEBT AND FUCKIN CAR PAYMENTS AND FOOD AND CELL PHONE BILLS AND FUCKIN DRINKING AND GAS PRICES AND MAKING A SHITTY WAGE. FUCK THIS WORLD.
go to college.
um. my heart is my own. ive officially got smart enough to keep it close and protect myself. eh. im not gonna humor you with enough attention where your satisfied, ladies.
ive got a big heart. some girl will be covered in a everlasting love one day. unconditional. not judgemental. just love. she’ll be real lucky. ive got alot of that to offer. but not to everyone. which is why. no i dont fuck you. if i did that id be spreading my love thin. it would be meaningless. and that one girl i loved, well id be selling her short. i got drunk tonight. still am. i had an awesome time. there are alot of prospectable girls out there. er still havent found her. but it means theres hope.
cant wait to go to college.
i never give up. if i gave up i would resort to being braindead and resume the all too often state of one dimesia. im pretty deep and i think that scares people. or people are just dumb and arent ready for a serious conversation. maturity needs to take place before those people, more specifically women, realize this. get over insecurities damnit. stop being hard. putting up those walls. be open. and willing. and go for it. and i dont mean for me. i mean for every good guy out there that you have in the back of your mind but your afraid to open of for some stupid reason. cause youve been hurt. well get over the past and help yourself out. if you feel an urge and an attraction, be rael and act upon to see if its genuine. if you dont youll have to live with regret.
sexual impulse. that shit is hard to control.
friends are wierd. as i get older i feel as if friends grow more and more distant. things seperate us. the only people close to me are the people who make the effot to stay close. it doesnt matter how much we click, its how much we need the other person. i love my friends. even the ones who dont need me so much. and for the people that i dont need so much… i love you guys too.
I think too much. Thinking is what gets me into trouble. Its where i confuse myself. i think its all the drugs ive done. Ive littered my mind with so much drugs.. and useless thinking that its hard to stay focused on the things that have any importance. its do-able, but difficult nonetheless. I want to be a whore. but i have too much respect for myself. or i wanna protect myself from any skanky whores. and my little heart. and at timesi dont give a shit. and i compromise myself slutting myself out to a girl who i think will do it for me. but im over that. i have to live with the regret. i wish the regret would go away. time time.
are you happy? did you champion all you set out to accomplish in the microcosmic world you set up for yourself in your head? do you have enough? are you popular enough? did you party hard enough? smoke enough? drink enough? do enough lines? pop enough pills? reach the point of ecstasy you thought youd need to complete your life? did you kiss enough? fuck enough? did you get all the sex that you thought would make you happy? all the attention? are you efficient enough? do you work enough? enough to gather all the worldly materialistic possessions you thought would bring you to the pinnacle of happiness? are you crazy enough? original enough? are you cooool enough? do you have everyone youve ever met praising your coolness? are you knowledgeable enough? do you read enough? is your vocabulary large enough? impressive enough? is your IQ enough to get you where you need to go? want to go? are reasonable enough? you are you smart enough? smart enough to come up with wit and quips that you thought everyone adored in a person? are you funny enough? do people think your deep enough? enough to sooth their troubled heart and heavy head? or explore the subconscious depths of thier mind when they talk to you? are you easygoing enough to bring anyone and everyone to ease? is your profile designed and structured… enough? do you have enough friends? internet buddies? do you look good enough? is your hair cool enough? your smile? eyes? ears? nose? chin? body? arms? legs? gut? are you gentically enough? do you impress enough? are you good enough?
have you ever had enough? only to realize its never enough?
enough adj 1Sufficient to meet a need or satisfy a desire; adequate
what the fuck is everyone looking for? why the fuck is EVERYONE SEARCHING? FOR WHAT? WHat is everyone searching for? WHY? why do people give up? cause maybe your looking in all the wrong places.um…i do it.
LISTEN TO ME IF YOU READ THIS
If you keep doing what your doing YOULL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOUR GETTING
does that make sense? um. how about be real. with yourself and others. and give up searching in temporary things. things that are subject to change. search for truth and goodness. they never change.
aand that was my mind.
and i feel bad for way too many people. and at times sadly enough… myself. cause i know better.