Month: March 2016

Yea. Mind over matter.
Be smart
Take care of your body
You never get something for nothing
That is why balance is so important
We spend our time eating and in the gym, and we sacrifice other things
We stay up late banging women, and we sacrifice our recovery.
We go on hormones to get big and jacked and have energy, and it comes back and we feel the exact opposite
There’s always a trade off
I tell myself that when it’s hard, my attitude and discipline and focus pays off all the more
When I’m not on cycle, what’s my attitude? What’s my work ethic? What’s my diet?
Cause that will determine how great I am on cycle
Yea no libido sucks
But it can be good to get you focused
Women are fun, but a waste of energy
Sex is healthy
But coming off a cycle leaves you with negative libido
It’ll come back tho
The BEST thing for you to do, is train hard, sleep 8 hours, eat your meals, and do cardio
The next 8 weeks are just as important as the previous 12…. if you plan on making this apart of your life and getting good at it
It’s not 12 on, 8 off… Cause no energy or no libido no motivation. It’s on all the time
It’s what I do, regardless of how I feel
Regardless of how I look
Cause when I am my best, I will be better than anyone who did less
Because I always did more, regardless of how I felt
That’s the mentality needed
But I just wanna encourage you to think long term
It’s a lifestyle. It’s a way of life. The body will get better and better. But only after consistency and persistence of hard work and focusing on the details and keeping the big picture in mind
Feelings are not apart of the equation. It’s as simple as you DO it.
No one “feels” like eating 5,000 calories a day. No one “feels” like training till complete exhaustion 5-6 times a week, rain or shine or snow or sleet or however tired you are. No one “feels” like getting 8 hours when you have girls hitting you up at midnight asking for your D
Never pretend that you’ve made it. I have not made it. I never will have made it. It’s ongoing. That should be humbling. There are always people working harder, eating more, training smarter
And those people will always look better and bigger
Except if you do more than them

Loving me. You can do something for me.

Trust that I love you, and be vulnerable with me, even when you don’t feel like it, and show me you trust me with your deepest feelings and insecurities, and believe we’re on the same team, and communicate with me, and think of my feelings and the big picture, and trust I want the best for you, and take time to see and appreciate everything I do because I love you, and don’t tell me you love me, show me you love me by putting me before yourself, by recognizing my feelings, and accept my feelings, whether you disagree or not. When you do this, you’ll realize that you are safe and loved more than you could ever imagine. When you don’t, you are pushing me away, and making me an enemy.

All I want is a relationship with you where you speak to me like I am the only person in the world you can trust and count on, and act like I am the one person in the world who’s feelings you care about more than your own. That is what I want from you, from myself, and for us.

Damhán, we cannot. It’s unhealthy. We both know it. It’s our personalities. Not something we can control. We both know it. It’s endless drama. It’s a vicious cycle. We are both broken people. And we do not lift each other up. The theme is clear. I have given it all I have. You have given it all you have. It’s a dead horse. The fundamentals of a healthy relationship are missing. Of course it will be hard. We are codependent on each other. It’s a complete mess. But it’s in both of our interest. I believe that. You will not forgive me no matter what. Things have been said. Things have been done. I quite honestly just want us to both be happy and healthy. Selfishly, and yes, this is completely thinking of my interests: I need someone who is more sensitive. I need someone who can empower me. I want to feel special. I want to feel wanted. I want to support someone and have them support me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt. It’s just been ugly for no reason. You say I don’t listen, I don’t try, I don’t care. It’s just the end. I don’t really want to discuss it. I’m tired of hot and cold. I’m tired of feeling crazy. Feeling responsible for everything. I’m over it. We’re both over it. You will always resent me. You will never trust me. We thought we knew what we were getting into, but we didn’t realize how hard. We just focused on what we wanted to see. Does it break my heart? Yea. It’s sad. It’s hard. But that’s life. It makes you stronger.

I am not interested in working things out. I’m not interested in continuing the cycle. It’s like endless. I am always wrong. I am always coming up short. You loath me. You detest me. The slightest thing sets you off. I get mixed signals. And you know, maybe I do it too. But i know I don’t want it. And I think you don’t want that. I tried. Do I care if you see how much I tried? Nope. I can’t make you see how invested I was.

We are incompatible. We both tried. We really did. But the end is the end. I never ever wanted to feel like I did in our last relationship, and I do. I feel exactly the same. I feel crazy. I feel unstable. I feel confused. I feel like I walk on eggshells. I don’t feel any love from you.

I don’t like any of those feelings. I don’t like not knowing how you really feel. I’m done trying to please you. I’m done taking all the blame and responsibility. I’m done feeling like the only person I can rely on doesn’t know my heart. Doesn’t trust me. And I don’t trust them.

It’s clear it’s unhealthy. We agreed this second time around that we didn’t want this, and it’s come to this. I’ve racked my brain. I’ve been going to therapy 1-2x a week since we started. I was willing to give up my biggest passion for you to make this work. It just doesn’t matter.

At this point, there’s no use pointing fingers. We’re both to blame.

But this much is certain: it’s not going to work. We need to respectfully move on.

I don’t want things getting worse. And it has. I don’t want things blowing up like last time.

Me: Damhán and I argued again tonight. It’s endless. Makes me think weird shit when we argue about what seems like nothing. Then I end up over reacting and it blows up and my the bad guy and she’s the victim. It’s whack. Fight for no reason. Something small ignites for no reason. To her it’s a big reason. And I guess I get that way too. It’s like. I am sorry. You are taking this too personally. I didn’t mean to offend you or hurt you. And to her, I’m totally selfish, and I’m thinking about myself and not her feelings. It’s hard. I took like as much responsibility as I could for our arguing. I know it’s 50/50 always. But she doesn’t think I did. She thinks I need to take more, that she tries enough. And I’m like “I don’t know how to try harder. Please meet me half way. This is the best I got, I love you and I’m sorry. My intention and heart isn’t trying to hurt you”

Friend: Golly.. Idk man. It just seems like a mess. Y’all have been trying and trying and failing. I just don’t think y’all are cut out for each other long term. Just my honest opinion as your buddy. It seems like so much work and things are good then they crumble yet again. 

Me: Yea. It’s weird. It’s not good. I want it to be good. But God I don’t even know. It’s confusing 

Friend: There’s a certain number of times I feel like things deserve a fighting chance. Perhaps y’all have exhausted all your fighting chances

I dunno. Maybe. I feel trapped really. Mentally and physically. It’s confusing. It’s a helpless feeling. I think it’s fucked. But apart of me wants to believe it can get better. And when it’s good it’s great. End the cycle forever,

But it’s like. What’s been done is done. Damage has been done. And as long as we hold onto that, and think that’s a good enough reason not to be with the other, then it’s over

It’s hard to forgive and forget. And that’s what kills a relationship. Cause it gets harder and harder to move on and move past it. I mean. I guess it doesn’t have to be. But it does. I swear. I feel crazy in this relationship. It’s not just me. I wish it was. But I am trying. And it still is crazy. 

Friend: You are not crazy. The relationship is. I’ve seen y’all try and work. And honestly it doesn’t seem like it ever will.