I yearn for the peripatetic life. Here and there, escaping the nefarious clutches of an idle mind, left with a profusion of thoughts tending to my fulfillment, winnowing the chaff from experiences gained as I grow.

I’m reading “The Idiot” by Dostoevsky. It’s sensational.

fear and desire

People don’t change unless there is a recognized need to change. No one changes for no reason. When a need presents itself it’s accompanied by two forms of motivating factors that fuel the need to change. Desire and Fear. Those two dynamics hugely impact our lives on a daily basis. Fear allows us to survive, yet it inhibits growth. Fear is the last thing you want governing your needs. Desire is the most powerful emotion in the world. Love and sex are probably the two most powerful desires within the human psyche. They’re also the most important for relationships and, of course, reproduction.

I was thinking about the topics of fear and desire. Desire requires a lot more faith and energy. Fear is almost programmed into us. Its cowardice. Its shame to confront the facts and truths and obeying the desires dwelling within you because of the lack of confidence people have in themselves. The fear of failure. They suppress who they are and what they want. WHY. FEAR. It’s a lie. We have nothing to lose. I wish I could buy into this myself, cause as I say this I feel like there are things I’m afraid to see out, for fear of rejection or failure. It’s a load. I, nor anyone else has anything to lose.

My desire to be fueled with faith; seeking out my passions until they fulfill me, or satisfied with all that I could have done or is worth doing.


I am a wounded person. Sometimes I feel emotionally void. I feel like I have difficulty feeling, especially those closest to me. I feel as though my emotions were run dry in my youth, compounded with my radically demanding parents using their techniques of tough love to shape me up. Instead I feel void inside. Maybe its my friends, the guilt, hanging over my head for years as I tried coping with the thought of a suicide pact gone fucking wrong. Me trying to rationalize this notion of the responsibility lying on me, internally coping with these disastrous feelings with cutting, drugs and sick dark depressing thoughts of death. Anything to stop the feelings of guilt, emptiness and a lost sense of self value.

I want to feel comfort. Somewhere. I know you have to give it to get it, but I never felt it worked that way. I always felt like the more you gave, the more you could lose. Eventually I grew up with a superficial shield that guards my heart from over committing. It never surprises me when someone lets me down. It’s automatically expected. Its how I cope with disappointment and guilt. This problem transcends into my relationships. Friends are all right. I know that they mean a lot to me, and as long as I remain true, there is no reason for me to feel guilty about their lack of thought for me. I love unconditionally. I have a hard time feeling emotionally attached at times. I feel like I never have the right feelings even though the love is there. Women especially. I’m only receptive to an unconditional love. All else is typical. That’s why I want a mature woman. Women come and go. I can see through bullshit. I can see through petty games. I can also see when someone really cares about me. Despite their bullshit claims and antics to push me away. It hurts, yea. It hurts a lot, the games and hurt they throw my way, but I feel the love. If I didn’t I wouldn’t subject myself to it, and I would walk away unscathed. If I felt that they weren’t worth it, they weren’t worth my time and energy, I wouldn’t even waste my thoughts on them or their pathetic attempts to get under my skin. But when I feel love and when I feel that they are true, despite the bull, I subject myself to it. Not indefinitely, but my love for them resides deep within me. I may not show it, but my love it true. I may have a hard time wrapping my hands around what it means to me, but its there. I probably won’t do anything about it, cause i don’t waste my time with people who don’t give me the time, but I still obey the love. It burns within me. One day that love will be for someone who deserves it.

finance comp. commitment

I am motivated. I want to start a financial management company. Hedge funds, private investing, etc. I want to go into business with the closest people I know suitable for the job. I will do everything within my power to materialize this flawless vision. I will lead this company to success no matter what the odds. I will do whatever it takes, everything within my power, to ensure the company’s success. I will employ the very best minds, people who are self-motivated and need no supplemental inspiration from me. They strive for success like I do, selflessly devoted to the cause of selfless positive progress for the sake of reaching the top. My vision will be simple and sweet. There will be no confusion. The next five years I will spend soaking and absorbing as much information as humanly possible to achieve this. It will not be easy, it will not be smooth, and monumental challenges will inevitably arise to stop us, but I will fight to succeed against everything. If it hasn’t been done before doesn’t mean it can’t be done. It’s a sole matter of desire, willpower, and being prepared with the right tools and knowledge. Those combined will satisfy any demand for success.



I need to get away. I need to find myself a place where my thoughts can be left alone, away from any outside influences. Just me and nature. I want to read and write. All day, every day. Run around a forest, go swimming, go fishing or hunting. I want to have a garden. A beautiful garden medley.

Im frustrated. Im getting so frustrated. I feel like there’s potential Im not living up to. i was just having this conversation with my sister. When asked how I’m doing the response is great. Could I be doing better? of course. I could always be doing better. I’m not the best. But I’m great. I feel like I’m discontent. How do you know that you know? Is it possible that I’m never really really happy because I know there is always better? If i decide that I’m amazing, at the pinnacle of my satisfaction… does that mean that I’m settling? Do i need to find pure satisfaction is my progress? and embrace my efforts as the best I have to offer? will I be selling myself short? I feel that I just may.

My Old Profile

I strive to be as genuine as possible. To do right in the midst of adversity. To be a gentlemen and a leader. To expect success and embrace responsibility. To keep an eternal perspective on the good things unseen, and be wary of being caught up in tangible, short lived things of this world. To have an eye for beauty and goodness; a heart for people.

-My Personal Creed

Continue reading “My Old Profile”

There is something in a pair of eyes that say I love you. When they look past you and into something far beyond what you could give them. They want to wrap their arms around much more than the flesh you reside in. There is a certain longing lurking within the scape of their gaze. They want to hold you and grasp you entirely.

There are certain people you don’t want in your head. You create them to fill a certain need, but they will not ever meet the need, nor will they recognize the need residing in you. Real friends identify with this need. They see yours and they rise to the challenge. Sometimes effortlessly. But I know these people. They are shallow and unsure, thriving off the attention of onlookers.  Advertising a false veil of security, they carelessly damage a trust mixed with emotion. Wounds and bruises.

here i am.

I always find myself at a loss. For words. For the right feeling. For the right thoughts. I always feel like I come up short. Even when I feel great I know there is much more that I could be offering. I sit and wonder what to type. What kind of thoughts I should be thinking or feeling. What sums up my days. My mood. What words I could use to accurately portray the listless discontent and breezy confusion I experience on a all too usual basis. I wonder if other people feel so misplaced. I wouldn’t offer this kind of confusion up to just anyone. I wouldn’t explore these unknowns with simple probing questions. These are deep. I’d dodge the pointed questions with a laugh and a shrug and no one would ask otherwise. But i feel uneasy.

Who I try to attain seems always just out of reach. I always think that one day I’ll be able to wrap my arms around this thing… this person I want to become. My whole life there has been a certain discontent because no matter how hard I try… or fail to try… there is always something missing. I opt for the more positive approach to try of course, finding the yields slightly more satisfying. Especially to the attacks of onlookers. I can rub in my empty attempts at making myself feel like more of a person while they remain worthless in comparison. So while I strive to build onto a character I never quite grasp or understand, I remain just as discontent. I will achieve great things. There is no doubt. But there is a futile quality that inhibits certain feelings of satisfaction. Why. Why is my soul so restless. Why are there days where I am all there and others where I am everywhere but.

So no. I’m not too sure. of myself. or you. love.


So basically I want to be an example. I don’t want to talk about anything less than the convictions that fuel me everyday. I want to be consumed by the tasks I deem worthy to endear upon. It’s beautiful today. Green. Blue. and zesty contrasts in between. The breeze that makes everything come alive with every breath. 
To lead. I want to do.  I need to start being more efficient and effective. Firstly, I need to identify what it is I want from myself the next few weeks. I’ll start by doing that.


I’m home. Not too exciting. Same people doing the same things. It’s good to see some faces. It’s good to see familiar faces. I love the weather in Florida. I need to reinstate my gym membership while I’m home. I haven’t lifted in a few days and it’s starting to get to me. I also need to find a part time job… I think that may be a necessary priority.

My parents moved while I was gone. Only up the street. The house is nice I suppose. It’s weird… all the furniture has been like… transplanted to the new house… and it’s like… we never even moved. Besides the fact it’s a lot smaller. I gotta do some errands today. So beautiful outside…

I need to read as well.

Most people are other people. Where is the passion?

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation”
-Oscar Wilde


When I read this quote it struck me hard. How true. I talk to people and they know nothing for themselves. They examine the evidence and opinions of others, negating their true voice and adopting a tone of another. People don’t know what they believe, nor do they give it too much thought. It requires far too much of them. They’d rather rely on someone else being wrong, or right, for their direction. Speak out and find yourself! I want people to care! How SAD that people don’t know their passion! They try finding themselves! It’s not about finding yourself!! It’s about listening to you’re heart. ‘Follow your heart, but be quiet for  a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.’  Why do people scrutinize their own understanding? Do people really find security in settling? Can you achieve an intimacy with your passions in this way?

I think settling is the larger issue. People settle. They accept the minimum instead of probing the depths of truism, where their soul resides and their desires yearn to flourish. They unknowingly, err, ignorantly live according to the opinions of the world. I can’t imagine anyone would become a slave, sacrificing their will, if they really knew it. But they should know it, and they don’t question. They accept the obvious and most convenient proclamations.


“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keep with a perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” The sole servant to you’re passions and you’re own convictions. You are important and you’re experience is just as real as anyone else’s.

snow day

I’m packing & cleaning my room at the moment.

It snowed all day yesterday.  I walked outside after class and was met with a fresh crisp air. A swarm of light and friendly snow flurries danced all about, landing on my nose and eyelashes.  I paused to take the scenery in.  I looked to the mountains. Giant coniferous trees subtly caught the snow flakes, dusting their branches with shimmers. I looked all around, examining the beauty, and was caught with a sound. For the first time, in a very long time, I heard the sound of snow.  I had forgotten snow made any sound at all. I listened though. I faintly heard the  muffled pitter-patter of snow flakes landing on the ground. It was so relaxing. I just stood there, arms snugly in jacket, face to the sky, and listened.

Snow is interesting. I love the way it crunches under your feet. I love the way it can be so bearable and pleasant even at temperatures so treacherous. Although I enjoy a snowfall that packs well for snowballs, I’m equally fascinated by the snow that’s so light and fluffy it’s hardly there at all. I run through snowbanks with ease, kicking my legs and watching the puff of snow flurries shoot to there air and gently land again. It’s nice. So light and dry it’s almost artificial.

Viable Solutions for Deplorable Problems: Continuing to Live in a Dying World

Viable Solutions for Deplorable Problems: Continuing to Live in a Dying World

In the past one-hundred and fifty years, humans have wreaked more devastation on the environment than ever before in the history of mankind. This essay references modern day radical environmentalist Derrick Jensen, author of Endgame and Walking on Water, in order to examine and explore some of the major factors behind the lack of social conservation efforts, as well as the economic and cultural viability of Jensen’s proposed solutions.

Derrick Jensen is best described as a preacher of anti-establishmentarianism who’s well known for his radical environmental views.  In a brief span of six years he’s written over thirteen books, most of which invoke a serious awareness of the ‘apocalyptic’ environmental crisis we’re heading towards on a world wide level.  When speaking of environmentalism, it’s difficult to overlook modern industrial advances as the major proponent of pollution. Looking to solve those problems of industrial pollution, we’re brought face to face with roaring economies backed and protected by powerful governments. What’s more frightening are the nations of people fueling these economies and empowering these governments. While ignorance may have been a valid excuse twenty years ago, when the environment’s impending doom was still something of a foreign construct, recently everyone is aware and has been affected in some way.  Man’s current condition is a result of bondage that’s causing destruction to not only the world we live in, but ourselves. Our lives are a reflection of the lies we’ve swallowed, and like a slow acting euthanasia, we’re dying from the lack of truth.

Why don’t people distinguish the truth from lies? As a people we place a certain amount of faith in our government to carry out and protect our constitutional rights. Faithfully we’ve trusted that the equal protection of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness will be upheld. Unfortunately this faith is partially blind.  For these rights and protections, however, we’ve traded a certain amount of freedom. According to a world governed by laws, specifically the principle of cause and effect, order requires that a certain amount of energy be sacrificed and fed into the system in order to power and maintain it. These governments are fueled by the people sacrificing their hard work through tax dollars. The government has slowly gained strength as we rely on more faith for our basic rights.  We strive to attain happiness by believing material goods will satisfy our desires. We’re told our lives are at risk as diseases take root, and liberty is at stake as terrorists threaten our freedom.  We pay more taxes and work harder to preserve these cherished ideals, only to find that we’ve grown completely apathetic to the value of life itself. As we work harder and industries rise in power, we witness a degeneration taking place. We find ourselves part of a destructive machine, slowly causing our death and sapping our resources, only to discover we’re not happy or content.  The root problem lies with the people of this nation who are being produced by a system in order to fuel this machine unquestionably. One by one they’re produced by public school system’s that deemphasize free thought and promotes long hours of hard work. We’re automatons, mere slaves, led to believe that happiness is something achievable through work hard and monetary accumulation. What we’re slowly realizing is that working hard isn’t making anyone happy. Working for the tangible rewards that seem so promising are nothing more than empty promises that falsely justify our expended energies. As we look around we see that our health is deteriorating as fast as the environment. We’re beginning to recognize the lies, but we’re not use to questioning the system. The irony of this is that the very energy we expend producing tangible goods is actually fueling the economy that’s destroying our world and our joy. According to Jensen, 90% of the country is unhappy with life and their jobs. Why is this?

Jensen’s book Walking on Water addresses the much larger issues of environmentalism from a place where most people find or neglect to find themselves: School. The apathy our nation is experiencing first starts in the formal education system at a very early age. The government funded system, organized and built to produce intelligent and hardworking industrial employees, produces very few free thinkers. Their certified curriculum places emphasis on analytical thinking, totally ignoring anyone’s desire to think outside the box and examine other information.  The definition of analytical thinking is to strictly examine the specific parts of information within a given subject. This works perfectly with a system that relies on people to do jobs needed to power an industry according to the will of a few powerful influences. It’s beaten into a child early on that thinking anything contrary to what’s being taught is not following directions and results in bad grades. This generally causes a listless approach towards any sort of idiosyncratic and critical thinking. Students grow callous towards learning, lacking any faith or reason to reach their full potential. Jensen uses his book Walking on Water to advocate the need for students to find their passion, to reach deep down and find their voice. He encourages people to think for themselves, to approach their desires as real and viable matters, and explore ways to materialize those desires.

Once people acknowledge that it’s alright for them to think for themselves, they can make decisions about what’s really important.  Once this occurs, they can take a look at what they have and start identifying real matters of importance. When they search for a more fulfilling life, they’ll inevitably think to their health. When they look to factors that contribute to this, they’re immediately led to the environment.  The environment is where we live life, sustaining us as we gather food, seek shelter, breathe fresh air, drink clean water and appreciate the wonderful relationships of life flourishing all around us. When this is depleted, our physical existence is in peril.

Derrick Jensen uses very real and powerful messages about the earth’s decline to invoke attention. Instead of beating around the bush, he hits you straight with the facts: ninety percent of the fish in the large oceans are gone; one hundred and fifty dead zones blanket the world’s oceans, seas, and bays; cod are virtually extinct; passenger pigeons are gone forever; American chestnuts are nonexistence; seabird populations in the UK are disappearing; penguins have been eradicated in the northern hemisphere; American grizzly bears are gone; coral reefs all over the world are dying exponentially; global temperatures are rising to uninhabitable extremes… and the examples go on and on. What he’s doing is preventing people from giving any reason to put it off till later. Jensen doesn’t believe there will be a later if it’s put off any longer. If the civilization of man is wreaking this destruction, Jensen believes it should be brought down immediately. There is no time to passively approach the matter lightly when a catastrophic environmental collapse is happening right before our eyes.

Behind Derrick Jensen’s ideal turnarounds, however, there lies a variety of major obstacles in order to approach environmental conservation on a mass spectrum. He offers plenty of reasons why we need to amend our destructive habits, yet he lacks any clear explanation that offers an obvious direction toward change.  Suggesting we end industrialization, removing ourselves from the harmful dependencies on corporations or oil, is a partial step in an extremely vague direction. His basic advocacy lies in the promotion of awareness and free thought in order to stop the destruction of our planet, but what obvious methods arise that we may dismantle these systems? Asking people to simply unite with one voice and no means may result in many ill-thought and irrational outcomes.  The systems in place support a world population of six billion. Is he asking that people destroy the very civilizations that support them? While we may be saving the environment, we may be killing ourselves in the process, hurling us right back to the Stone Age. But then again, that’s the ideal condition in which Jensen believes man and nature can live together.

What’s interesting is the direct correlation of co-dependency industry has with civilization. One cannot survive without the other. America may be the worst culprit out of balance, seeking lifestyles of excess (ideals that have been implanted into our psyche through advert conditioning), but Americans are paying for it the most, both environmentally and physically. While this is alarming, Jensen isn’t the first to declare the obvious destruction we’re causing the planet. He’s only reminding everyone of the destructive relationship that’s seemingly impossible to escape.  Jensen may see himself as a prophet, offering a hope that we can escape, but at this point his ideals cause huge implications. He often compares the relationships of battered women to that of people and their government or the environment and industry.  The option, however, isn’t as much of a psychological obstacle as much as a physical obstacle of surviving. Is it a realistic option to simply discard our civilization in hopes of preserving the last remaining remnants of nature?

Jensen never tells people what actions they should take, though he encourages everyone to do something. Not sit around and wait for the next guy or generation to deal with the matter. First and foremost, he’s asking people simply to think. Once people begin to think about their actions and the implications they impose, they’re able gain the self-awareness needed to recognize that change needs to occur. This leads to a collective step towards betterment. Jensen voices that the earth is home to more than just man. That the life and animals that coexist here shouldn’t have to be killed off and struggle to survive because of our irresponsibility and selfish oversights. When people ask what they can possibly do to make the proper steps towards a better environment, Jensen asks them to do some introspection and examine their strengths. Jensen’s strength happens to be writing. He instills the thoughts needed to instigate a change. Following in the footsteps of other vocal radical environmentalists of their time such as Edward Abbey and Henry Thoreau, his aim is to spread awareness.

Using his suggestive ability, he indirectly suggests using whatever means necessary to get the job done. The use of electromagnetic bombs, blowing up damns, and many other militant measures are never a taboo for Derrick Jensen, who’s clearly expresses his critical views towards pacifism. Although he maintains a valiant stance for preserving the earth and the limitless gifts it has to offer, there is a slight luster of pollyanna in his sentiment.

Without even knowing it, Derrick Jensen may be a threat to freedom.  By taking down democratic governments and instilling a unified awareness of our actions, he may be disabling the gift of freedom and free thought that allows democracy to function. Suggesting such polices may be setting the stage where a government oversees all economic policies to ensure they’re in line with set standards, which seemingly resonates qualities of socialism.  He may be an advocate for a New World Order where everyone abides to the single dictation and regulation of one reigning government. When civilization is brought down, when all the corporations that employ and sustain the billions of people throughout the world crumble, where will that leave the current population of six billion? Will we start dying from famine? No doubt the economic dismantling that Jensen suggests will take an incredible amount of time, one has to entertain what it’ll look like when billions of people have abandoned cities for the expanses of nature in search of food and survival. What of the government? If we brought down the American economy and industrial infrastructure that provides the government with power and protection, will that leave us vulnerable against other countries?  How will we defend ourselves?

Unfortunately, whether or not Derrick Jensen has the genuine best interest for the world, nothing will change until an unavoidable need is real and apparent. That’s how all revolutions begin. It’s just a matter of time before suffering and turmoil starts boiling within people as they look around at a dying world full of dying people. Hopeless and searching for answers, they will turn to leaders full of promises and change. From within them will emerge a voice that will offer the salvation they need. Until then, we will endure the misery, clench what remaining satisfactions we’re able to glean from life, and wait for a mean. In the meantime we must adopt the responsibility we owe to the essence of life and make the necessary steps towards conserving what little we have left.


Where ever you go in life there will always be those defining moments with those defining people. I suppose you seek them out and allow the the definition to take place when you’re most comfortable. I can also imagine a willingness to forget a place and time that’s uncomfortable or possibly painful, with the hope that you might be able to escape the grasps of regret. What’s sad is, if you never deal with with those moments, you’re left with a big hole in your heart. Who are you if you aren’t all there?

It’s 1:43pm

Here I am. In the library. My heart is definitely in my chest. I can feel it surge to the top of my throat, ebbing and flowing with feelings as I search for meaning within myself. 

I feel routine. I want novelty. I was laying in bed last night, eyes open and locked on the ceiling, thinking about my life. When you recognize you are in control, and you ask yourself what you want, and you don’t know, or you’re doing everything you can pretty much ask of yourself, what can you do? Where does that leave you?

I’m writing a paper on a radical environmentalist. Correction: I’m suppose to be writing a paper on a radical environmentalist. Instead, I’m typing away, trying my best to allow some thoughts to escape as a means to relieve the pressure within my head.


Last night, I was in my bed, thinking many thoughts about matters of significant value in my life, yet these thoughts, that seemed so valuable, failed to lead me to any answers. No. I refuse to acknowledge my faulty perspective. The truth is, I was tired, slightly burnt from typing non-stop throughout the day, and my mind wanted rest.

Do you ever feel that you sometimes lack the working material to craft new ideas? I suppose that’s what they call inspiration. Where do we look for this inspiration? Where do we gather the material that usually seems to be right beneath our noses?


Snow hills, steep and slippery. The walkways are platted in a brown slush. I skip over the puddles of mud and ice, walking with my head down. Some days I look up and smile at a passerby. I like smiling. I like smiling with my eyes. It makes them smile. People know that which is real. Today I look down at the puddles. The trees are frosted with a light snowy powder. Chimney’s breath gentle clouds of steam high into the air. The sky matches the dull look in my eye, gray and lifeless.


Ambiguous Biography

Brief Application Biography:

By the age of eighteen I’ve moved eleven times, attending eleven schools across six states, living in California, Virginia, Iowa, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Florida. I’ve attended six elementary schools, two middle schools, and three high schools. I’ve been tutored at home, attended public schools, private schools and military boarding schools. I’ve experienced the small towns and small high schools containing 100 kids per grade to cities containing 700 students per grade. Throughout the years I would go on to complete six years of extra curricular art school at a variety of art studios in New Jersey. I would become a highly competitive athlete, participating in soccer, swimming, football, wrestling and baseball.  In soccer I would go on to winning division and state soccer championships as well as playing on select traveling teams. In swimming I would take home gold and silver medals in Gloucester County, South Jersey, while placing at State championships as well as earning MVP my freshman year in high school. In eighth grade I would pick up the guitar and teach myself how to play music, eventually taking up classes in music theory and jazz band throughout high school. I was diagnosed in the first grade for ADD, attaining straight A’s until the 7th grade until I began to struggle with a variety of emotional problems that would continue to compound as certain life circumstances would bash any progress and hope for overcoming the struggle. Throughout high school these problems would persist, and compound, and prove to hinder any ability to succeed, leading to mediocre performance in school and a rising rebellion against any idea of conforming to the rigid expectations others, especially those of the formal education system. I would soon develop a listless and all around apathetic approach to life. Eventually I would go on to drop out at the end of my senior year, working as a server for a year, still lost and confused, I continued to search for some kind of meaning in life. After getting thrown out of my house, and continuing on to struggling with a variety of debilitating vices, I found myself wondering where I went wrong. A series of realizations occurred as I began to look for answers and place the responsibility for my life on myself. I read a book called “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen that would go on to change the course of my life. Although the change wasn’t immediate, I slowly began weeding out the negative habits of thinking that persisted for so long, and began seeking out the words of wisdom and advice from those who were at the pinnacle of success.  The progress has been slow and challenging, the change has been undeniably hard, but I’ve persisted with a positive attitude by putting my faith in the principles that I’ve learned to guarantee success.  Over the past two years I would go on to set goals for myself and continually reach them, owing it to myself to create the life that’s within my reach if my desire was strong enough. I soon returned to high school and went on to graduate. During my search for colleges I happened to read the book Learning Outside the Lines, co-authored by David Cole, a Landmark alumni. I would look into the college, eventually realizing this would be the place to start stretching my wings and tapping into my potential with the security of people and resources that support and encourage only my best. 

Be the change you see in the world.

I had a good night tonight. I can barely feel my fingers as I type this out. Later than expected, I found myself wondering if I could manage the colossal mountain of work I’d been over dramatizing in my head. I found myself doing my best to catch up on sleep throughout the day. Minutes and hours here and there. Nothing too worthy to be called a recovery. Eventually I found myself eager to change what was starting to become a daily routine of ideal wishing.  I sat there at dinner and talked of motivation with other desperate bodies longing for some kind of intangible compulsory that would inspire them.  I felt a rush of invigoration and began talking with a tone of hope. Dreams and aspirations… the people that I live amongst. The people inhabiting the world. The vast majority. What do they think it takes to be successful? To exist in ideal circumstances? Everyone has their own conception of what that is of course, but I find it pretty sad when they attribute the magnificent powers of success to factors outside their control. How depressing. They scrounge and crawl to these dreams. What kind of dream is that? Where crawling and feeble begging and lost hope intertwine all together as a means to fulfill the desires residing in the depths of their soul? I call it soul. Its whatever you are deep inside- Who you are. What’s sad is the lack of faith. They contain the power they long to feel. It resides in them, untapped. Like a spring waiting to give life to all who put the energy to dig deep enough. So sad.
So I sat there this evening, dwelling with ever flowing surges and waves of thought. I refused to drown in my own state of helplessness. I decided to remind myself, and anyone that would listen, of our potential; using words that could penetrate their weak excuses for a state anything less than ideal. Perfect is my state. I began talking about faith. Not hope. Beyond hope. Hoping is wishing for circumstances that are beyond your our immediate control.  That’s another excuse to lay back and be victimized. Everything it takes to be successful resides within you. You have what it takes. You don’t have to wish or hope any longer. No more sadness. No more waiting for better days.
I talked. They listened with eagerness. “Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”(Emerson).  Whom we always wanted to be. My desire is to provide a sliver of inspiration that induces motivation.
I talked and their eyes became fixated on words that transcended their immediate listening and penetrated their hearts; to a place where they dwelt where they were alone, where they wished someone would provide the comfort of an idea they could believe would rescue them. A breath of hope that blows gently on the embers of their desires so they could see the flames that give the light they need to travel on, far beyond the shadows of doubt.
I want to offer that as much as I want to hear it. I talked. They listened. They heard what I said. Human experience is something far more powerful than any book; than any of the scholarly text that lead us to believe this or that. Scholarly writings only exist to confirm universal human experiences. When you haven’t experienced, you cannot take the words of another without leading yourself into a realm where you have no agency of understanding. You are blind and grabbing at abstracts. The words of human experience resonate deep and wide and can be universally translated even through the gaze of the eyes. They hit you deep and you understand.
As I exchanged these words of penetration I myself began to realize what I often neglect as relevant human experience. How foolish. We know the answers yet we struggle to find the strength to believe in them, even when they lay within our reach.

I went out tonight. I found myself churning through pages and pages of essays. One by one I flipped the pages of readings, gently tapping away at my keyboard with every insight I overturned. I managed to produce a four page research paper in a matter of no more than four hours. I was pleased with my work and debated the possibilities of exploring some social activities this evening. My intentional better half longed to finish all the homework scheduled for the lengthy weekend ahead, but my wise yet understanding social half decided otherwise. I would make a phone call to casually inquire about any nightly activities ahead. I struck fortune and no longer than an hour later I found myself laughing and conversing with other jubilant comrades who were just as thrilled as I.  The temperature dropped well below freezing. My estimations lead me to believe we hung out in a range far below negative fifteen degrees. Maybe single digits. It didn’t matter though. Valentine whiskey, Budweiser and Coors light beer? Any combination calls for a party. And we did.
A wonderful array of personalities collided into a beautiful hum of snickers and hugs and pictures and smiles. It was nice. Relationships blossomed and a strange comforting security swept over the usual anxiety.

I had a good time. it was cold. It was pretty much equivalent  to anything you’d encounter in anything north of 50deg latitude. I felt like an Eskimo. It was good though. There were a lot of people I was glad to talk to for a change. A lot of people i hadn’t had the chance to converse in serious dialog with.

All day tomorrow is homework and study day. Accounting and English. 🙂

Outside today

Is there something so unique about your troubles? I feel that people have the tendency to look down on those who appear to be blessed and lack a struggle. Like they don’t know how hard it is. I think thats a load of crap. People who know how to deal with their troubles, who know what it takes to be great and successful, shouldn’t have to struggle or even appear to struggle. If they know the way, they should go the way, not feel bad about it, and not give any thought to the people below them who scoff at their fortunes or blessing or lack of struggle. Life is what you make it. It’s how everyone makes it.  If you want something, just go and get it. Don’t whine, don’t cry, don’t be confused. You can have anything you want. Decide whats important to you, what things could make that happen, and pursue it.  When you get it, decide if it was worth it. Then start over again. Why are people so confused? People confuse themselves… they don’t decide who they want to be. They think about trivial questions and waste time with indecision. Instead of trying to create themselves, they try finding themselves. Do they realize they won’t ever find that they’re looking for? They will waste away and live a mediocre life of limited progress. They’re like a ship without a captain, with the sails down. Just floating in the ocean, hoping life will blow them to the ideal destination- when they haven’t even decided what ideal is. Even if they were blown an opportunity, they wouldn’t know it if they saw it. They are not in control, always a victim of the seas instead of seeking out calmer waters.

Today I went to English. I bundled up pretty nicely, layering up with multiple undershirts, shirts, sweaters, topping it off with a nice warm denim jacket.  We went outside into the cold, maneuvering our way around the forest, trekking through the snow until we arrived at a clearing. We then were instructed to build a fire.  We collected brush and underbrush. Sticks and dead rotting logs, trying to find any dry dead wood that would be ideal for starting a fire in 28 deg weather . First clearing the snow away, constructing a base of sticks so as to avoid wetting the fire with melted snow, we piled the brush and twigs and sticks methodically together and lit it with a match- only after breaking the first dozen  It actually went up pretty quick and before we knew it there was a nice little fire going. Our professor brought a small grate that he placed over the fire. He pulled out a jug of water and a small metal bucket, filled it with water, and placed it over the fire. We ended up standing by this fire for the next forty five minutes, hot chocolate in hand, talking about nature, the expanses  of beauty and the fecundity encompassing wilderness, survival, and life in frigid temperatures.

It was good.

english class outside today

Is there something so unique about your troubles? I feel that people have the tendency to look down on those who appear to be blessed and lack a struggle. Like they don’t know how hard it is. I think thats a load of crap. People who know how to deal with their troubles, who know what it takes to be great and successful, shouldn’t have to struggle or even appear to struggle. If they know the way, they should go the way, not feel bad about it, and not give any thought to the people below them who scoff at their fortunes or blessing or lack of struggle. Life is what you make it. It’s how everyone makes it.  If you want something, just go and get it. Don’t whine, don’t cry, don’t be confused. You can have anything you want. Decide whats important to you, what things could make that happen, and pursue it.  When you get it, decide if it was worth it. Then start over again. Why are people so confused? People confuse themselves… they don’t decide who they want to be. They think about trivial questions and waste time with indecision. Instead of trying to create themselves, they try finding themselves. Do they realize they won’t ever find that they’re looking for? They will waste away and live a mediocre life of limited progress. They’re like a ship without a captain, with the sails down. Just floating in the ocean, hoping life will blow them to the ideal destination- when they haven’t even decided what ideal is. Even if they were blown an opportunity, they wouldn’t know it if they saw it. They are not in control, always a victim of the seas instead of seeking out calmer waters.

Today I went to English. I bundled up pretty nicely, layering up with multiple undershirts, shirts, sweaters, topping it off with a nice warm denim jacket.  We went outside into the cold, maneuvering our way around the forest, trekking through the snow until we arrived at a clearing. We then were instructed to build a fire.  We collected brush and underbrush. Sticks and dead rotting logs, trying to find any dry dead wood that would be ideal for starting a fire in 28 deg weather . First clearing the snow away, constructing a base of sticks so as to avoid wetting the fire with melted snow, we piled the brush and twigs and sticks methodically together and lit it with a match- only after breaking the first dozen  It actually went up pretty quick and before we knew it there was a nice little fire going. Our professor brought a small grate that he placed over the fire. He pulled out a jug of water and a small metal bucket, filled it with water, and placed it over the fire. We ended up standing by this fire for the next forty five minutes, hot chocolate in hand, talking about nature, the expanses  of beauty and the fecundity encompassing wilderness, survival, and life in frigid temperatures.

It was good.


It’s hard to live in the present, taking in every moment like it’s expected, and reflect on your life with honest sincereity. I don’t know what it is I feel at the moment. Times closing in. I’ll be off in a few weeks. I’m not sure what the next two months hold in store. I’m not even sure if they’re what I really truly will be expecting. Its like being on a mouse wheel. You can only see what your next step is. You can’t see if coming up behind you, but you’ve done it enough times you can predict it with accuracy. Every step. I’m alright. Thats about it. Alright. And that’s alright. There is nothing to complain about. But I want something more. What is it? I’m not sure. It’s gotta be something. If everyone stopped lying to themselves for a moment, I think that everyone could honestly answer that they want more. That may not be the way life works, but it’s how I and everyone else on this planet works. We understand the varying degrees of gratification. The instant and the delayed. The delayed seems to be the only one with positive lasting results. You construct so much with the unsatisfied energy. I suppose I’m looking forward to the distant future. I don’t know what that looks like, and in the mean time I’ll be sitting here, working hard, dedicated to the goal, and all day long, be thinking about it. Wanting it now. I think this is where patience comes into play. You can’t beat time. Sort of unfortunate.
At any rate. What is it? I want something to fill me. I want something to make me feel rewarded every day. A woman? perhaps. A career? Maybe not even that. I’m in school maintaining whatever it is that’s typically expected of someone like me and the responsibilities I’ve resumed, and at times go far above and beyond the calling, yet I’m so bound to this sense of loneliness and emptiness. Its not even that I’m lost like I use to be. I know exactly where it is I’m going. Its just a very cold and long journey. I feel like I’m all by myself with the occasional comrade to relate to. They’re far and few between even when they are listening.
I’m tired. Last week of classes. *snore*

Reflection on EQ & MI (Gardner & Kolb)

Throughout the variety of self assessment tests I took to determine my learning style strengths and weaknesses it was obvious which of my methods of learning were more favorable. The overall theme produced by the results of the Kolb assessment is that I tend to learn best by confronting and drawing from concrete experiences. Almost just as strongly I use an abstract conceptualization, presumably taken from the concrete experiences, and assimilate the information into working ideas and understandings.  These were followed, in order, by active experimentation (which I likely often use to test my understandings gathered from concrete experiences and molded by abstract conceptualization) and reflective observation (probably used lastly to reflect on the outcomes of mine or others actions or situations to gain a further understanding). The Gardner testing placed me in favor of a more verbal or linguistic learner followed by leaning heavily on interpersonal and intrapersonal skills. I think my strengths in these two separate tests support each other in a relatable way. My inter- and intra-personal skills can be seen from my ability to draw from concrete experiences, whether relating to my own past experiences or relating to peoples present experiences. I think the abstract conceptualization materializes in a verbal form which Gardner testing is showed to be my most favorable trait. The ‘literacy works’ MI tests showed me to be mostly verbal, followed by intrapersonal and interpersonal. I disagree with the lack of the logical/spatial results from this MI testing, possibly from the wording, due to knowing my natural tendency to weigh and analyze all ideas and concepts through reason and logic. This is supported by the high testing of the abstract conceptualization from the Kolb test. A possible reason for the skewed logical spatial results is their approach from a more mathematical side, something I had poor foundations in and naturally never eagerly approached. I am very good at math and happened to make it to Calculus without ever paying attention. I tend to use more verbal skills to draw out my logical and reasonable ideas- usual from a more philosophical standpoint. BUT- I did take other online MI tests and they all showed pretty similar results. On one I was more logical, followed by intrapersonal, verbal, and interpersonal and so on. Another indicted that I was more intrapersonal, followed by verbal, interpersonal, and logical. They all showed a solid tendency towards being spatial/visual and kinesthetic followed by naturalist and lastly music. These were all varied depending on the tests.

            I do think that every situation calls for a different perspective and therefore a different set of tools to adapt. I don’t think this test accurately measures the ability to use these tools when confronted with the specific situations, but rather to show the natural tendency the things you’re most familiar with to contemplate and handle every day life, not necessarily overcoming challenges.

            I find it pretty unreasonable for these tests to try and encapsulate the unique dynamics of an individual into such a limited array of concepts. I think they do aid offer a starting point to begin addressing what a person’s most natural tendencies look like. I do think they do a good job providing some insight. It’s really debatable as to whether my other tendencies are any less developed than the ones I favor most to approach life, which can be misleading.  For instance, when going about my day I rely heavily on my communication skills to relate to other people. This all encompasses the verbal, intrapersonal and interpersonal results. To ensure what I’m saying in reasonable and logical I use the logical skills to analyze my responses. The other intelligences would not be used unless I was in an environment where I would be called to use music, nature, or visual tendencies. I am well versed in them, playing guitar in the jazz band and taking music theory classes throughout high school as well as being an avid artist and taking art school classes for about eight years in my youth. I also have always been involved year round with athletics since an early age and still maintain a demanding workout regimen.

            To illustrate the general accuracy of the Kolb test, I’ll provide examples of my natural functioning. The concrete experience was the highest score achieved. This makes absolute sense when I reflect back on the tremendous amounts of experiences I’ve gathered throughout my short life. Moving twelve times; having many friends die of suicide and drug overdose; attending eleven schools: six elementary, two middle, three, high school, in six different states; attending public, private, boarding schools; attending large schools with under 100 students a class to large schools with 700 a class. The list of experiences keeps could go on but you get the point. I have gathered from these experiences to make the best sense out of life. This is how I understand things to be, based on the collection of many experiences. I’ve met a lot of people who have been all very different, yet similar at heart. I’ve learned to relate to a diverse group through these experiences. This has also causes me to realize my honest love for people and the desire I have to see people achieve their full potential. The second greatest strength was the abstract conceptualization. I tend to spend a lot of time in my head assimilating all my different understandings and experiences. I think and think and think. This is where I weigh every understanding I conjure up and analyze it critically with abstract conjectures. Before I write a paper or talk about something, my mind needs to dwell on it and think about it, assimilating and organizing my thoughts before they are elaborate enough to expand on.

            Garder’s theory holds true in similar whys. Regarding my inclination to use linguistic or verbal abilities to learn, I recently I read a quote that resonated with me: “How do I know what I think if I can’t see what I say?” E.M. Foster. This quote embodies my understanding of the thinking process via writing and oral communication. In order to solidify my thoughts I need to materialize them through daily written or oral communication. The better the vocabulary, syntax, and overall rhetorical style, the better I can convey and illustrate my thoughts and ideas to the finest mental and emotional detail. My intrapersonal tendencies stem out of my introspective approach to things. I constantly assess where I am in relation to my personal expectations and the expectations of the world around me. This helps constantly maintain a healthy perspective and keep me calibrated for things to come. My love for people is where the interpersonal inclination arises. I watch people and empathize with their struggles, doing my best to relate to them and learn from them at the same time.

I am located almost directly in the middle of the grid, only slightly towards the accommodator. The accommodator’s strengths include getting things done, leadership, and risk-taking. Weak points include too much: trivial improvements & meaningless activity; and not enough: work not completed on time, impractical plans, not directed toward goals (all of which, except my tendency to over focus on trivial improvements and the occasional meaningless activity, I’d disagree with).

Given the Kolb assessment as being a slight accommodator, I’d work most compatibly with an assimilator since they are more planning and goal oriented. The accommodator seems like they can implement the people and resources for a task while the assimilator is focused on developing a plan of attack and various approaches to a strategy.

I think this is evaluation is true. It’s not hard for me to get side tracked and off focus but through training I’ve learned the importance of being goal oriented, spending a lot of time developing plans and goals in order to get things done.

Before coming to Landmark, I accomplished my introspection and decided that I was best suited for and most interested in people and business. I looked into a well rounded field and found business consulting the encompass many of the various skills I possessed. The accommodator career recommendations all revolve around people and business oriented fields. I think this makes perfect sense.

This assessment reaffirmed a lot of what I already knew about myself. It was helpful in presenting new approaches to realizing it. This made it more colorful and helped create some more depth to my personal understanding.

As previously stated, these two tests illustrated a correlation in the way I approach learning.  The Kolb says that using my concrete experiences I assimilate the information gathered using my abstract conceptualization in order to come to an understanding. The test showed me to be pretty well-rounded in the learning style type grip, with moderate favoritism towards the accommodator. I happened to take multiple MI tests that illustrate his theory. I do know I like language, thinking and analyzing, introspection, and people. These are always a strong passion of mine. In the academics this exemplifies through my writing, the clubs I’m apart of and the eagerness to help people when they are struggling with work or personal problems. I’ve been writing in a journal for the past seven years which is a good way for me to think as well as refine my ability to communicate what’s inside to other people or just on paper. As far as the clubs, I’m actively involved as the President of the business club and constantly continue to develop new ideas and strategies to implement on behalf of the club. I like people and unfortunately Landmark doesn’t have a huge social scene or community to submerse myself with challenging interesting people. Instead it houses many people who usually bring me down due to their natural tendency to settle and put forth the minimal effort in everything they do. I do like helping them though and I feel it is very rewarding.  

These tests really placed no bearing on processing speed, thus eliminating anything related to Jeff Hawkins theory. Regarding Robert Sternberg, these tests really did a vague job illustrating his points as well. One could say that someone who’s more kinesthetically and possibly spatially inclined would be very practical. One could say that the logical side of the MI is one with analytical tendencies. The creative intelligence would be a bit harder to encapsulate as the MI tests really did not show much to demonstrate lateral thinking. Possibly you could associate linguistics and verbal with creativity, which is usually a generally accepted notion. What clashes here is putting things like musical tendencies into boxes like practical, analytical/logical and creative since it is known that musicians are both very much logical (usually very good in math) and creative (write brilliant compositions out of thin air). This goes for naturalists and the visual/spatially inclined as well. Architects can be logical and creative etc. I could go on but I’m sure you see my point.

My EQ test showed me to be very emotionally aware. They explained a caveat that may occur is I didn’t have a good idea of who I am, but I think the testing reflected who I was and backed up by reflecting on the MI and Kolb tests. On the MI, as it related to EQ, I tested high in both intrapersonal and interpersonal consistently throughout the tests. This indicates I am very self-aware and think a lot about my actions and the implications of my thoughts as it pertains to me and those around me (I also tested high in verbal which could be I could communicate myself effectively and efficiently). It also indicates I am very much aware of others and their feelings and what works best in situations when things need to happen. I have a strong desire to relate to other people and do my best to pick up on as many que’s as possible to find the best relationship for healthy communication and teamwork so we both can progress towards our ideals.



Successful and Lazy People: The Learning Process

Learning is an incremental process. Most people trying learning things all at once, or expect to get it all at once. The only way this ever happens is if previous understandings of similar concepts are in tact and referenced to the new information to construct a similar schema. Even this isn’t true understanding. To really learn or understand something, the idea and concept behind it, repetition needs to occur. Seeing something once only provides sense of information that stores in the rote memory. It has no meaning and therefore the information cannot be fully elaborated on and expounded upon.

True, learning is exponential, but anything new needs to be continually analyzed and thought to explore the dynamics. This sheds insight on the relational behavior of the information. Life is about relationships. Identifying what works with with and when and how and why. When you understand this and the unique functionality of information you can explore any new reality with a new set of eyes. Information takes on multiple dimensions and new possibilities and understandings erupt into a display of viable processes.

I say this because anytime I see new information I know in my head that i need to continually hammer at it and entertain creative possibilities, maybe induce some analytical trial and error experimentation within my mind in order to test my conjectures. I know, however, that its through this repetitive dwelling on the content that I gain this better understanding. Learning isn’t meaningful if it just happens. Ofcourse you can draw similar conclusions to information is tons of relatable information and schemas are available to contrast and compare to (I call this being able to bullshit really well) and I can do that, but I am no better off than I was before I knew the information to see its unique place. The behavior of information may not be that distant from any other piece of information, but it’s place and why it’s there is vitally important. It’s what gives it meaning.

People need to take a more proactive approach to learning. To see it as a process, a active process, instead of a job of memorizing someone elses ideas. Someone to thought into creating the concept based on very real premises- and anyone who encounters the information: it should be thier job to question and challenge the validity compared to your own very real experiences, as well as being open to thiers. Never question if what you know is right- BUT- make sure you metaphysical and semantic understandings are based on a philosophy seeking truth.

Incremental. Learning occurs in stages. Its not a overnight thing. It doesn’t happen in one sitting. You need to be observant and you need to think conceptually. You need to be actively involved and you need to .create ideas with each experience. When this happens you can learn from every moment of your life, every situation, every action, and every thought you decide to conjure. When you don’t do this…. you are falling farther and farther behind with every chance to grow as a person.

Don’t ever approach something with the attitude ‘ I can’t’ or ‘It’s hard’ or ‘It’s taking too much time’ or any other pathetic excuse to get you out of thinking and actively experiencing life’s challenges. Every challenge is unique opportunity for growth. If we never took them on we’d never grow. Imagine if life was easy. If we didn’t have to need to know how to much of anything.  We’d never need to grow. Imagine never having to learn anything. We’d honestly have no need to add knowledge to our data bank. Unfortunate the knowledge we have, and the reservoir of experiences and intuitive understanding we’ve gained to this point, is a result of the challenges we’ve faced and overcame in order to cope and survive. The more successful you are as a person, the better job you’ve done being able to decipher what work’s from what doesn’t.

Jump into every situation you can to grow. STRIVE to accept challenges. NEVER approach situations or experiences with the idea that it is a waste of time or it will be useless. Everything you know will help you in some way and make you better than the next.

Divinity tonight

Life is interesting. You control the very reality you live in. If you don’t think so- that’s because you’ve led yourself to believe that. YOU need faith- faith in something above yourself- and you can do anything and be anything.

It’s amazing how so many people can relate to life’s certain hardships, whether it be mentally or emotionally or physically. I talk to people, tell them my ordeals and struggles, and it strikes a familiar chord within their soul that vibrates in unison with mine. We connect and share and explore the struggle together. It’s different, vastly different, yet so universally translatable.

I went to a concert tonight, went to a few bars, talked with a few people. It was a good time. I love lovin life. I love bein all over the place, nothing inhibiting the positive feelings of genuine love for random people. I don’t care what they look or talk like, I like them if they can smile with their mouth and their eyes.

I am totally stoked off the two weeks left of school. I’m all about studying. I feel like an awesome nerd. Study, study, study.

I’m trying to get another band to perform at the first concert this college has ever had on campus in February. We’ll see how it goes.

I studies alot today. I actually thought alot more than I studied. I’m very happy with my progress, but I wish I did alot more than I thought. I love thinking, but I like doing more. I drew up alot of goals and organized alot of thoughts and plans which is great. I can implement them tomorrow. Two papers to finish. One Exam. One Project. One thematic synopsis.

I like feeling convicted of certain things. I know that truth will shine through every time. Like gold. Truth is constant, unchanging, reliable, functional, genuine, and always there when you look for it. It’s just about knowing truth. Examining what works. If it works, no matter how crappy you implemented it, there is a hint of truth to it. Somewhere.  You just need the desire to search for it, and desire to seek truth, and have faith that truth is what you’re looking for. Really believing that it is an genuine and fulfilling as you imagine it to be and it really it.