inspiration

Draft: Cultural Landscape and Innovation

I just finished reading a NYT article titled True Innovation that discussed the trajectory of innovative trends within our culture. It prompted me to think about Paul Feyerabend, Thomas Kuhn, and Imre Lakatos’ philosophy of science, Nietzsche’s prophetic will to power and the thematic elucidations of Panagiotis Kondylis.

They say necessity is the mother of invention? What kind of necessity? Personal necessity for psychological equilibrium? Necessity for physiological equilibrium? Social necessity for conformity and adoption?

Logic is equilibrium: each new theory comprising a paradigm comes with statical axioms that present endless combinations of puzzles for solving. These puzzles allow us to work out discrepancies between axioms so that theories can be reconciled and smoothed out. Progress takes place linearly rather than horizontally. When novel theories are introduced that clash with present conventional logic and historical science, they are most often brushed aside or discarded. In time this giant system of science, these puzzle solving enterprises, run out of combinations. Reality is perceived to be consistent with the facts. This hubris indicates the beginning of the end. Thinkers, being so enculturated and inundated with the present paradigm, totally preoccupied with pursuing universal truths, fail to account for individual experience in the process. As a result, change occurs unnoticed. First, small subtle and incremental changes, and these are only felt at the periphery of society. But these fractional degrees of change compound across a society losing touch with itself and soon reality becomes a vicarious fiction of role playing, where types and genres and paths provide navigation, where our thoughts are purchased and our ideas reflect consensus, where individualism is a cruel catch phrase.

The corollary is a culture who have grown efficient at perpetuating more of the same, more of the good and, in turn, much more of the bad. You must remember that every experience is unique, that what was good for today may not be good for tomorrow. Weather is the harbinger of change and climates never stays favorable for long, be it cultural or geological.

Institutions are good and bad: must be adaptive. Freedom is necessary. Time must be plenty. Purpose is paramount. The collaboration of collective disparate experiences, but similar values, is necessary for creation.Vision provides direction. Autonomy to explore along the way. Intrinsic motivation towards understanding will always triumph over extrinsic motives for profit. Plenty of resources.

Revolutions happen fast but dawn slowly. To a large extent, we’re still benefiting from risks that were taken, and research that was financed, more than a half century ago. -Jon Gertner, True Innovation

Think Thomas Kuhn.

More later

QUOTED passages of interest:

In his recent letter to potential shareholders of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg noted that one of his firm’s mottoes was “move fast and break things.” Bell Labs’ might just as well have been “move deliberately and build things.” This sounds like the quaint pursuit of men who carried around slide rules and went to bed by 10 o’clock. But it was not.

fundamental belief was that an “institute of creative technology” like his own needed a “critical mass” of talented people to foster a busy exchange of ideas. But innovation required much more than that. Mr. Kelly was convinced that physical proximity was everything; phone calls alone wouldn’t do. Quite intentionally, Bell Labs housed thinkers and doers under one roof. Purposefully mixed together on the transistor project were physicists, metallurgists and electrical engineers; side by side were specialists in theory, experimentation and manufacturing. Like an able concert hall conductor, he sought a harmony, and sometimes a tension, between scientific disciplines; between researchers and developers; and between soloists and groups.

Another element of the approach was aspirational. Bell Labs was sometimes caricatured as an ivory tower. But it is more aptly described as an ivory tower with a factory downstairs. It was clear to the researchers and engineers there that the ultimate aim of their organization was to transform new knowledge into new things.

Mr. Kelly believed that freedom was crucial, especially in research. Some of his scientists had so much autonomy that he was mostly unaware of their progress until years after he authorized their work. When he set up the team of researchers to work on what became the transistor, for instance, more than two years passed before the invention occurred. Afterward, when he set up another team to handle the invention’s mass manufacture, he dropped the assignment into the lap of an engineer and instructed him to come up with a plan. He told the engineer he was going to Europe in the meantime.

THERE was another element necessary to Mervin Kelly’s innovation strategy, an element as crucial, or more crucial even, than all the others. Mr. Kelly talked fast and walked fast; he ran up and down staircases. But he gave his researchers not only freedom but also time. Lots of time — years to pursue what they felt was essential. One might see this as impossible in today’s faster, more competitive world. Or one might contend it is irrelevant because Bell Labs (unlike today’s technology companies) had the luxury of serving a parent organization that had a large and dependable income ensured by its monopoly status. Nobody had to meet benchmarks to help with quarterly earnings; nobody had to rush a product to market before the competition did.

But what should our pursuit of innovation actually accomplish? By one definition, innovation is an important new product or process, deployed on a large scale and having a significant impact on society and the economy, that can do a job (as Mr. Kelly once put it) “better, or cheaper, or both.” Regrettably, we now use the term to describe almost anything. It can describe a smartphone app or a social media tool; or it can describe the transistor or the blueprint for a cellphone system. The differences are immense. One type of innovation creates a handful of jobs and modest revenues; another, the type Mr. Kelly and his colleagues at Bell Labs repeatedly sought, creates millions of jobs and a long-lasting platform for society’s wealth and well-being

The conflation of these different kinds of innovations seems to be leading us toward a belief that small groups of profit-seeking entrepreneurs turning out innovative consumer products are as effective as our innovative forebears. History does not support this belief. The teams at Bell Labs that invented the laser, transistor and solar cell were not seeking profits. They were seeking understanding. Yet in the process they created not only new products but entirely new — and lucrative — industries.

But to consider the legacy of Bell Labs is to see that we should not mistake small technological steps for huge technological leaps. It also shows us that to always “move fast and break things,” as Facebook is apparently doing, or to constantly pursue “a gospel of speed” (as Google has described its philosophy) is not the only way to get where we are going. Perhaps it is not even the best way. Revolutions happen fast but dawn slowly. To a large extent, we’re still benefiting from risks that were taken, and research that was financed, more than a half century ago.

Will Technology Save Us All, or Will It Tear Us Apart?

See:

COMING SOON: ‘Teaching & Learning Guide for ‘Can a Knowledge Sanctuary also be an Economic Engine? The Marketing of Higher Education as Institutional Boundary Work’’ by Prof. Steve Hoffman (University at Buffalo, SUNY) – PROVISIONAL ABSTRACT: The marketing of higher education refers to a structural trend towards the adoption of market-oriented practices by colleges and universities. These organizational practices blur the boundary between knowledge-driven and profit-driven institutions, and create tensions and contradictions among the three missions of the 21st-century university: knowledge production, student learning, and satisfying the social charter. In this article, we highlight the historical contexts that nurtured the marketing of higher education in the U.S. and Europe and explore the dilemmas that arise when market logics and business-oriented practices contradict traditional academic values. We demonstrate that managing these dilemmas is a contested process of policing borders as institutional actors struggle to delineate the proper role of the university in a shifting organizational climate.

50 Habits of Successful People

Simmer in its wisdom.

Habits of successful people….

1. They look for and find opportunities where others see nothing.

2. They find a lesson while others only see a problem.

3. They are solution focused.

4. They consciously and methodically create their own success, while others hope success will find them.

5. They are fearful like everyone else, but they are not controlled or limited by fear.

6. They ask the right questions – the ones which put them in a productive, creative, positive mindset and emotional state.

7. They rarely complain (waste of energy). All complaining does is put the complainer in a negative and unproductive state.

8. They don’t blame (what’s the point?). They take complete responsibility for their actions and outcomes (or lack thereof).

9. While they are not necessarily more talented than the majority, they always find a way to maximise their potential. They get more out of themselves. They use what they have more effectively.

10. They are busy, productive and proactive. While most are laying on the couch, planning, over-thinking, sitting on their hands and generally going around in circles, they are out there getting the job done.

Continue reading “50 Habits of Successful People”

Social Mobility: Language, Influence, Power

You said it, my good knight! There ought to be laws to

protect the body of acquired knowledge.

Take one of our good pupils, for example: modest

and diligent, from his earliest grammar classes he’s

kept a little notebook full of phrases.

After hanging on the lips of his teachers for twenty

years, he’s managed to build up an intellectual stock in

trade; doesn’t it belong to him as if it were a house, or

money?

—Paul Claudel, Le soulier de satin, Day III, Scene ii

Communication. I can’t stop thinking about communication. It’s everywhere. You can’t help it. You are conditioned to adopt certain norms and customs. The interpellation that causes identity formation through subjectification/ submission to authority.

Pierre Bourdieu described the habitus of language. Habits form our character- our ideological world view, our identity as a subject. Using language makes you apart of a normative group- whoever and whatever that represents.

We are creatures of habits. The habituation of ideologies shape the way we view the world. We embody habituated ways of using symbols through the environmental influences we were born or conditioned into. These habits elucidate the societal structures we find ourselves. Each societal structure contains distinct linguistic capital that defines a linguistic market or social group. The linguistic capital we use has symbolic power or symbolic imposition. The greater linguistic capital a person possesses, the more mobile that person is within and between different linguistic markets. These habits that accrete linguistic capital are instrumental for the formation of identity.

The language and gestures that forms a person’s linguistic capital contains explicit or implicit symbolic power that are used to define the world. The symbolic power of language takes the form of subliminal and non-verbal insinuations. Posture, eye contact, intonation, definitions, conventional phrases, and mannerisms all play a role in the insinuation of symbolic power.

The formation of a person’s identity arises from censorship. Ideological influences in society- family, religion, school- all facilitate this censorship. Eventually the external influences of censorship become internalized and act as self-censorship.

When we were young our parents molded our ideology by pruning our habits through assent or dissent. The process that habituates the internalization of censorship and forms the ideology that becomes our identity looks something like this:

As a child we may use the word ‘fat’ to describe someone who’s overweight, or ‘bitch’ to describe someone who’s mean. To show their disapproval of the ideology our parents initially rebuke us with a reproachful look and say “Michael, do not use that language.” In this was they are actively censoring the language that doesn’t fit into their conceptions of accepted ideology. The next time we use that word our parents may need only say “Michael, language.” The next time only “Michael.” The next time only the reproachful look. The next time only their presence is needed to censor our language. Soon enough, as we become habituated and internalize this censorship as self-censorship, nothing is needed to prompt our censorship. A persons subjectivity is shaped first through language which gives rise to a subject or self.

This process habituates a complicit reaction to the symbolic domination taking place. The force of our language, the symbolic power within linguistic capital, imposes itself onto the world and others. It forms a persons identity through their subjectification. This subjectification is a result of the symbolic imposition characterizing the symbolic power of a linguistic capital.

The linguistic capital that composes a linguistic market is deemed a legitimate language. The formation of the legitimate language characterizing a linguistic market involves the consolidation of a language. This consolidation is the accumulation of distinct linguistic markers or signs that compromise the markets linguistic capital. The coalescing or consolidation of language into linguistic capital gives rise to a community. This community formation is the linguistic market in which the symbolic power and force of the linguistic capital is exchanged. In this way the community contributes to the process of forming particular individuals. This is the perpetuation of tradition, customs, trends, as a result of the communities ideological influence on the individual through censorship.

Censorship, in another name, is none other than the idea of ‘instruction’ or ‘discipline’. This occurs anytime an ideology is being imposed on an individual, be it a child, student, employee, citizen, and the like.

It is interesting to look at the implication of this paradigm.

When someone uses a language, or employs linguistic capital, falls outside our ideology or linguistic market, there is a misunderstanding or miscommunication, a conflict of ideologies.

The notion of ‘control’ characterizes our ‘identity’. Our identity defines us, and we control our identity by endorsing ideologies that manifest through symbols (gestures, language, accessories that fill our life: clothes, house, and other tokens or bibelots). When someone interacts with us through a explicit, direct, conscious interpellation that conflicts with the ideology that forms our identity, there is a loss of control. This lack of control leaves one vulnerable. These vulnerabilities are felt according to the past histories of an individual subject.

All this being said, I want to emphasize the importance of understanding this paradigm. It is life. You are shaped by your environment: family, society, education, peers. There is no way around it. You are born into a world with a space waiting for you. The moment there is knowledge that you wil be born you parents begin creating this space filled with expectations for the kind of person they wish you to be: boy or girl, smart, hardworking, handsome, polite. The extent that their ideology allows them to understand exactly what these words or expectations mean is dictated by the linguistic capital within the linguistic market they are apart. Or, simply stated, the language they use is determined by the societal structure they willfully or unwillfully find themselves in. They censor you, discipline and instruct, according to the parameters of the symbolic force within the ideology of their language.

This emphasizes the subject-object relationship within ideologies. Louis Althusser describes interpellation as a psychological mechanism that causes a subject to react within a certain way despite their self recognized personal identity. The Ideological State Apparatus (ISA) is the willingness of subjects to conform to engagement. Althusser States in Ideology and the State:

“The ideology of the ruling class does not become the ruling ideology, by the grace of God, nor even by virtue of the seizure of State power alone. It is by the installation of the ISAs in which ideology is realized and realizes itself that it becomes the ruling ideology.”

Leverage language. Leverage the symbolic power of linguistic capital, the semantic force of language. Leverage your identity in this way. Leverage your social mobility by being much more understanding of different ideologies and learning to adopt contrary or conflicting world views.

Do not let others impose their ideology on you. Seek to create an awareness of the influencing ideologies that shaped your current conception of self. Consider its limitations, its failures. Form a pure conception of self. While it is near impossible to escape the influences totally, you can be aware of an ideologies symbolic power and force that imposes itself on the world.

Do not be concerned with the ‘Things’ of the world. Be concerned with the ‘beliefs’ or ‘methods of interpellation’ that categorize and define the world. If you are concerned with the ‘things’ or the markers and symbols within the linguistic capital comprising your ideology, and not the underlying interpellation or beliefs, you run the risk of operating outside your ideology. This jeopardizes your control over identity and leaves you vulnerable. This lack of control, or vulnerability, leaves one resistant to agree or engage.

When engaging with people, look at their beliefs and talk, not in terms of the right or wrongness of their language and terms and definitions, but in terms of the ideology that has formed their conceptions of that language. Look at why they use the language they use and where the symbolic force of their language lies. Adopt their language and talk as if you operated from their ideology.

It is not about being right or wrong, it is about understanding. Leaders leverage a diverse array and large quantity of linguistic capital. This allows for incredible adaptivity, influence, and social mobility within social structures and groups- linguistic markets. They are the weak ties that bind solitary communities together.

Language is capital. It is as good as gold. Actually, it is much more valuable than gold. If you possess the right language, you can do and be anything.

Never Conform

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

The objection to conforming to usages that have become dead to you is, that it scatters your force. It loses your time and blurs the impression of your character.

R. W. Emerson, Self Reliance from Essays: First Series (1841)

There was a point in my life when I aspired to change my destiny by changing my thoughts. I mediated on certain passages from books that contained uplifting inspiration. That was four years ago and I still have this quote memorized.

This essay is still a favorite that I read regularly.

Also, a soothing song: Foreground by Grizzly Bear.

Humility

A man is like a fraction whose numerator is what he is and whose denominator is what he thinks of himself. The larger the denominator, the smaller the fraction.
Leo Tolstoy

Will.Power.

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will.

-Vince Lombardi

I just read an article in the New York Times that delineated the qualities of mental prowess possessed by elite athletes. Their mental stamina, their ability to push beyond the mental limits where physical pain and psychological torture reside, is a hallmark of every successful person.

I believe that the principles of success are learned and acquired through any undertaking that requires a great deal of struggle. Without the struggle, without embracing the hardship, there is no virtue to be gleaned. As an athlete, there is no way around this struggle. When the time comes for competition, the corollary of your daily perseverance will shine for all to see. Whereas one can get by doing the minimum and appearing to excel in more relative matters such as business and school, there is no escaping the public eyes of the arena in athletic competition. You cannot hide the deficiencies you failed to confront and develop. Come time for competition, all your short-cuts, all your breaks, all your excuses and rational for stopping short are exposed for all to see. When the competition is over, a competitor can look on his performance in one of two ways: they can hold their head high, proud of their unfailing allegiance to the will; or they can shirk and shrink inward and displace the blame, not on their own failures and lack of will, but on things outside their control. Only one of these two competitors will continue succeeding.

“I was given a body that could train every single day.” Tom said, “and a mind, a mentality, that believed that if I trained every day — and I could train every day — I’ll beat you.”

“The mentality was I will do whatever it takes to win,” he added. “I was totally willing to have the worst pain. I was totally willing to do whatever it takes to win the race.”

This is why elite athletes have such a developed sense of will. They recognize that there is no escaping responsibility. They refuse to make excuses. Their only refuge is knowing that will conquers all. It is the starting point for all capacities of human development.

The article discussed visualization. As a firm believer in visualization, I was intrigued by the contrast between amateur competitors and elite athletes.

In studies of college runners, [Raglin] found that less accomplished athletes tended to dissociate, to think of something other than their running to distract themselves.“Sometimes dissociation allows runners to speed up, because they are not attending to their pain and effort,” he said. “But what often happens is they hit a sort of physiological wall that forces them to slow down, so they end up racing inefficiently in a sort of oscillating pace.” But association, Dr. Raglin says, is difficult, which may be why most don’t do it.

When I read this, I think of a responsibility avoidance. There is a fear that prevents these athletes from embracing the pain and struggle. They fail to size-up the challenge and accept the burden of responsibility for its attainment. By contrast:

“Our hypothesis is that elite athletes are able to motivate themselves continuously and are able to run the gantlet between pushing too hard — and failing to finish — and underperforming,” Dr. Swart said

To find this motivation, the athletes must resist the feeling that they are too tired and have to slow down, he added. Instead, they have to concentrate on increasing the intensity of their effort. That, Dr. Swart said, takes “mental strength,” but “allows them to perform close to their maximal ability.”

Elite athletes find the boundary where their limitations reside. They practice reaching that boundary, that fluid limitation, on a routine basis. They know it well by inspecting its character and uncovering its various strongholds on potential. They become comfortable and familiar with its discomforts, continually dancing the line of what their current capacities can handle, and what their will demands of potential and possibility. When the time for competition arrives, this boundary of limitation will whiz by in the periphery, acting as nothing more than a reminder that all boundaries are meant to be crossed. Success, and traversing the limits that lead you there, are a matter of will.

Conceive. Believe. Achieve.

You must see where you want to be, visualize its nature, its pains and joys. You must conceive a world where you are already there, a world of possibility where time is your only enemy. You must believe that your potential is limitless, that you will win, that you will not lose. Only then will you gravitate toward this vision of success and achieve your ends. If you cannot conceive possibility, if you cannot believe in yourself and your ability to inevitably succeed, you will never achieve.

Exclaim

Hark! Inspiration! Where art thou? Hast thy muses departed? Lend your gracious gift of peace! Rescue me from the hollow echo of my timid thoughts! From the empty reverberations that beat against my insides! Save me from the dry, contemptuous familiarity that desiccates my vision! Offer me your warm embrace! Engulf me with the fiery flames of passion! Alight the heart, swallow me whole! Save nothing! I would forfeit the world to savor the sweet allure, the bleeding refuge, of passion!

Swoon my desires! Capture the innocence of dreams! Instill in me once more the care of possibility! Let the wanderlust of worldly wonderings take flight! Seize courage! Outstretch my clasps! Spread my gaze onto the world! Lift my crown! Beckon me to the horizon of now! Let the fusion of possibility and moment give rise to my true being! I will leap onward into the unknown depths where opportunity awaits! I will catch the rushing currents of time! Let it fill my sails, envelope my wings, and elevate the majesties of my mind!

Gravity tightens its grip. Silence falls. The candle hesitates and draws its light in, holding the wick ever so gently. The world is feeling this weight. I will not draw in. I will not succumb to the deafening quietude of a trembling conscious. Fear will not keep me bound in slumbering shackles. I will bear life’s lacerations with dignity, wring pain from this corporeal body, from all its bones and brawn, and wake every last breath of freedom within me.

Anywho.

Random musings.

Life. It is not a question to be answered, not a problem to be solved. It is a mystery that is meant to be lived. Exist fully, know yourself, and true life is known.
Continue reading “Random musings.”

Self-recollection: Amiel

“[The] capacity for self-recollection — for withdrawal from the outward to the inward — is in fact the condition of all noble and useful activity. If the sailor did not carry with him his own temperature he could not go from the pole to the equator, and remain himself in spite of all. The man who has no refuge in himself, who lives, so to speak, in his front rooms, in the outer whirlwind of things and opinions, is not properly a personality at all. He is one of a crowd, a taxpayer, an elector, an anonymity, but not a man.

He who floats with the current, who does not guide himself according to higher principles, who has no ideal, no convictions — such a man is a mere article of the world’s furniture — a thing moved, instead of a living and moving being — an echo, not a voice. The man who has no inner life is the slave of his surroundings, as the barometer is the obedient servant of the air at rest, and the weathercock the humble servant of the air in motion.”

— Henri Frederic Amiel

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action. ~Frank Tibolt

You must actively mine for inspiration. It does not fall out of the sky and into our lap. If life is dull and pallid and limp, decide on an attractive and necessary undertaking, and dig. You will find treasure.

Eating the Fruit.

I’m in a contemplative mood tonight. I just saw the movie ‘500 days of summer’.. I highly recommend it. It has a rare quality to its story. It doesn’t seem to be sugar coated. It picks you up… but doesn’t leave you up there… nor does it slam you down abruptly. It lets you float down again and grounds you. Wonderful movie.

Life. I must’ve said that word out loud tonight a dozen times. I think about it all the time. Expectations and reality. I was thinking… I like when my expectations are unrealistic from everyone else’s standpoint. and who knows maybe they’re not. But.. as I go through life.. I like the ambitions that require major action.. major investment. I noticed that the vast majority of these ambitions don’t necessarily come to fruition… but I’m always a lot farther ahead that where I would’ve been without them. So I shall keep these lofty goals… these dreams that seem just out of reach.

Life.

I walked around my neighborhood tonight. It was beautiful. Full, glowing moon. It penetrated the clouds as they silently drifted across the sky. There was a stillness to the air. I talked to my friend Brandon tonight. He was frustrated with himself… he got a B+ in a class. He said that the grade didn’t reflect his effort or his knowledge of the subject. It was the last thing I wanted to talk about really.. how upset with himself he is. My mood was so transparent and tranquil. My attitude was looking up. His grade, that class, is behind him. Every undertaking should be done with maximum effort to ensure that we perform even greater for the next. Looking backward while trying to move forward is difficult. He was, however, the only person that was open to catching up.. about nothing.

Life.

I walked around tonight.. on the sidewalks, the grass.. I walked, balancing my steps between the yellow lines in the road.

I feel very calm at the moment.

Here is an amazing poem that keeps my head up:

“I do not choose to be a common man. It is my right to be uncommon—if I can. I seek opportunity—not security. I do not wish to be a kept citizen, humbled and dulled by having the state look after me. I want to take the calculated risk; to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed. I refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence; the thrill of fulfillment to the stale calm of utopia. I will not trade freedom for beneficence nor my dignity for a handout. I will never cower before any master nor bend to any threat. It is my heritage to stand erect, proud and unafraid; to think and act for myself, enjoy the benefit of my creations, and to face the world boldly and say, this I have done. All this is what it means to be an American.” Dean Alfange

That movie, 500 days of summer, made me think. It was cute. I like romantic movies. Movies about the dynamics of relationships.

I looked at myself in the mirror tonight.. with a long stare, trying to see myself as the person I am, not as I perceive myself to be. It was…

I was thinking tonight. Very much. I look forward to those times in life where you wake up, and life has a new light to it. Opportunities abound, possibilities stretch far and wide. The world at my fingertips. I love those times. Where everything has yet to cast a shadow. The world is a blank canvas… and slowly, line by line, choice by choice, it takes form. My decisions shape a lifestyle I grow to love, or hate. These opportunities, for most, seem rare. I work for them.
You know those times I speak of. Getting up in the morning is effortless. Showering and getting ready for the day is a breeze… your thoughts are elsewhere… in the realm of possibility. Its a joyous unspoken passion. You see things in their ideal state. Relationships, or making them, seems to be the easiest thing in the world. Its like finding companions for the journey. Maybe its a new job, starting at a new school, or your first day of school.. or getting involved with a new sport, or club, or organization. A new purpose. The purpose of ones life is pursuing ones purpose.

I have had these opportunities more times than I can count. These are the times where you can reinvent yourself. You can choose your friends based on your new direction, not fall back on them out of convenience. You are forced to expand yourself to new ideas. Moving 13 times… attending six elementary schools, two middle schools, three high schools, and now two colleges… has given me far more of these opportunities than many people ever have. Am I fortunate? Reinvention. If I wanted to be pessimistic I could say that I’ve felt like a chameleon all these years… all this reinvention was really adaptation.. but I really don’t see it like that. Every new direction, every opportunity you have to change course, you are given the freedom to change yourself, to build on your existing character. You remove more of the chaff. Thats the goal anyway. Right?

Life.

Acceptance is a large part of life. Actually, next to change, it seems to be everything. Change happens, continually… you never step into the same river twice. Accepting that change, and seeing things as they currently are, being willing to change your conceptions, is one of the greatest dilemmas I have. It causes me to lose a brief sense of security. But thats a risk we must learn to take I suppose. If we never went out on a limb, how would we ever eat the fruit?

I have many thoughts right now. Many many. Tomorrow… I will drive to Ft Myers to drop my cousins off… and meet my grandfathers new wife. I think it will be a surprise for him 🙂 He’s resentful that I don’t visit more often. I don’t blame him. Long complicated family drama really. As I get older I see the facets of relationships and see how their roots intertwine. Face value is never too revealing.

Love Love Love. And Happiness. Isn’t that what we all want? or maybe more happiness and then there’s love.

Why do I rob myself the joy of waking up every day like its my first day alive? I want to walk around my days like its the first day of my life… like there is something to learn behind every smile, around every turn, under every rock, twig or blade of grass.

I just read this: ‘Speak with substance to the life you know; not those which you admire.’ I speaks to me.

I’ll sleep.. think more tomorrow.

🙂

Most people are not really free.

“Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves. They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision.” —V.S. Naipaul

This quote encompasses where I was for much of my life. I can relate to a time when I was a slave to myself and a victim of the world.
Reality is merely a realization of perception. If you change your perceptions, you change your reality. Many people are afraid to fail. Every challenge should be seen as an opportunity to grow as a person. The bigger the challenge, the more you must grow order to overcome it.
I am a firm believer that this life is exactly how you think it is. Whether you think you can or you cannot, you are right. Many people lack fail to see the opportunities in life. They fail to dream. Napoleon Hill said, “Whatever the mind of a man can conceive, and believe, the mind of a man can achieve.” Achievement is rewarded by the persistence and determination to see their dreams into fruition. When people are met with troubles and difficultly they shirk away and discard their visions, no longer feeling adequate for the challenge. Life ebbs and flows with every passing day, and every day we are not living out and striving to see our dreams come true is an opportunity missed.
Vision is monumental. The human mind is powerful beyond belief. It is nothing short of a miracle that men can take an intangible idea, which starts as a seedling of their imagination, and through hard work and persistence, actualize it and create it into being. The ability to create is what sets man apart from all other creatures. If we cannot see what we are creating, how can it be created? If one is running a race, and has never seen the finish line, how will he know when he crosses it? If there is no end destination, how will we know when we arrive? This is vision. Men without vision are lost, buffeted by the seas of life they become discouraged because they know not where they are going.
I have a vision. When I think of the person I am at heart, the person I continually refine myself to be, there is a strong sense of clarity. Every waking day I am met with a clear purpose before me. Each day is a goal in itself and as I progress through life I watch as the vision I laid out before myself years ago becomes more and more tangible. Every book, every challenging undertaking, and every relationship I choose carefully and pursue with excellence so that I may exemplify and uncover the potential hidden within me.

Epic Blurb

I love swimming. Becoming totally engulfed in an essence. I love swimming in the ethereal feelings and thoughts kindled in my glowing imagination. I want to live fully. What do I think?

I cannot keep putting off responsibilities. Responsibilities like… homework, studying, keeping in touch with people, being happy. I have a responsibility to be happy ya know. No one else is responsible for my happiness. Its unique to me.

Is it good to avoid criticism? Should one look for it?

***

I visited cousin at Amherst College this weekend. Watched the football game. Beautiful campus. Small population of students but spacious none the least. Hung out with the football gang. All seemingly intelligent people. It’s odd to visit a wet campus. Alcohol prevails in every dorm and every hall. The smell of stale beer leads you to the next party. Filled with juvenile adolescents indulging in self destruction- pounding away at another helping of hoppy watered-down ethanol or some other distilled liquid pleasure. These people. Freedom is such a new quality. I remember the days when I was overwhelmed with freedom. It’s where the irresponsibility started and accountability faded away as I justified my actions with those of my peers. Sad really. My individualism was lost amongst the crowd. And for what? Acceptance is too cliche for an answer. I stripped and tossed my convictions without hesitating a moment. No contemplation. We don’t think that far ahead in our youth. We live in the now. We rarely take time to see into the distance future. If we did, we would see how our accumulated actions would be disserving and adjust accordingly.

Maybe its alright to pander to some of our fleeting youthful satisfactions. Its a slippery slope. The miligram experiment by social psychologist stanley milgram perfectly illustrates what happens when we undermine our convictions. We continue this trend until there are no limits to what we do. The line has been crossed, we are confused, we lose sight of right and wrong as we justify out previous slip.

Amherst was fun. I’m through with the binge atmosphere. I want social glee. I want to be surrounded with quality people who enjoy the finer things in life. Who rise above mindless impulses and short-lived thrills.

Education will not solve the worlds problems. The worlds problems are more than the tangible pressures we face. We face trials of the heart. When the man is right, his world will be right. How can education cause men to be more introspective with their intentions? Just because a man is sincere doesn’t mean he can’t be sincerely wrong. Is man the measure of all things? How far does this measure extend?

*****

I often wonder what would happen if I forfeit all the wisdom I’ve believed to have accumulated? What would happen to my world is I tossed my convictions and standards into the wind and remained wild, totally free from reason. Ha. As I say this I just think of how most post-modern liberals behave. I’m sure my behavior wouldn’t be that different.

*****

I need to write a paper. A LONG paper. A case study. On a company with a woman who’s got no work ethic. Who started a business strictly because she does not work well with authority. Who stated that shes alright with her businesses minimal growth because she reaps tax benefits and money from subsidies to small businesses. She is stealing our tax money becuase she refuses to work hard to earn more money for herself. Wow. This women is nice. She’s got some good ideas. She is clueless when it comes to investing herself into a vision and seeing that vision come alive. She instead settles for mediocrity. A business that’s providing barely enough to get by. She comes to work late. She fired every employee shes hired because of ‘personality conflicts’ but stated that she prefers an employee because that makes me come to work on time. People. I swear. How the hell do I even approach this study. I outlined a business plan proposal. When I write the paper I obviously want to write like this is going to a valuable company with vested stakeholders- instead, I think about how this women won’t heed a damn word and although my analysis of her basic production methods is legitimate- I find that all she needs is a good lesson on working hard and the principles of success. Being an economics paper I can’t very well write a philosophy discourse of strategies for success, but I’m EXTREMELY tempted. If there wasn’t a hefty grade attached I would write such a paper and throw it in her face. I’d also rattle off a few rants on why any social distribution of wealth is inherently flawed due to free loaders like her.

My God! People must misunderstand me all the time! When I talk of success- this doesn’t translate into financial gain! People probably think I’m so egocentric and highfalutin because they totally misinterpret success. Actually- they are totally ignorant to success in general so they are stigmatized to the notion!

SUCCESS!!!! What it means!!! Progressively realizing a worthy ideal!— And working towards it with every molecule and vibration in your being! Being excellent and exploring the unknown wellsprings of untapped potential! BEING THE BEST AT WHAT YOU DO! If you decide to do something- put your all into it! Enough???? “Aren’t I doing enough” you ask? Enough is only your best! Do not lie or deceive yourself. There is no such thing as failure. There is no such thing as try! There is Do. or Do not. Live. or live not. You choose.

I believe that all psychological illnesses stem from people not realizing their full potential. They sabotage themselves and what they think they can or cannot do! They become entrenched in limiting thoughts and habits and live their lives, like Thoreau said, ‘in quiet desperation’.

****

Some people feel that they lack motivation or intelligence or desire or skills. HA! HAHAH! I pity these people. I do. Continually focusing on what they lack instead of what they have at their disposal! How can one gain more by spending his time counting everything he hasn’t! All man needs to succeed he already possesses. The most valuable tool in his arsenal of achievement? Will. What is will? The ability to apply oneself to a decision. We all possess the ability to make a decision. Focus on that decision- never mind the details for they’ll take care of themselves- and you will watch live spring to life. Will! The more you exercise will the more you empower yourself! Have Dreams! Have vision! “Vision without action is a dream. Action without vision is simply passing the time. Action with Vision is making a positive difference.” (Joel Barker)

*****

I want to help other people find their potential. They may ask- what is potential??? What does that mean??? It is everything you are not and you want to be.
I often get caught up thinking that I need to possess the answer in order to plant inspiration within people. How childish! How can I possess all the answers for each individual? Can I make up their mind? Can I pretend to know the depths of their soul and the curiosity of their spirit? No. What I must possess is hope and vision. All I need within myself is the ability to question. To challenge. To encourage people. People have the answers within themselves. They need to look. All I need to to ask the questions that cause people to look within themselves. There they will find the burning flame that starves for more to breath. When this flame catches a breath it will burn brighter and more passionately then they’ve ever known. It will illuminate them from within and their eyes will shine with wonder and awe. They will yearn for more and more and their enthusiasms will cause others to combust in a dazzling display of human achievement.

****

It’s odd. As I often do, I find myself caught in a paradox of conflicting ideology. On one hand- I hold people to the highest most exalted esteem, adorned and lauded for their precious nature. On the other? I find people utterly reviling, evil and carnal in nature. Lost and complacent with consuming the empty tales of hope. Listening fervently with open ears to the flowery but empty rhetoric that evil spews forth. Lies- deception and deceit. It pulls at the strings of their heart and beckons them to follow but leads no where. Are they sheep? They are defiant sheep. I cannot hate the ignorant. I myself am just as ignorant. I do- however- hate the lies. Those that lead others astray have gained my utmost contempt. Their words are like honey to the lips that poisons and incapacitates. These men lead nowhere.

****

I love life. I wish I would think less and act more. At the end of the day all that matters is what was actually accomplished. When my life is over- I won’t be able to celebrate the hours of cathartic reflection and quiet contemplation. I will have to show what my life produced. When the harvest is ready- one cannot make excuses for anything less than his best. This life we sow our best, till and prune and water and tend. When this life is over only the fruits of our labor will reveal our success.

***
I have to work. I have much to do. I have much to write about. No holding back.

****

Cut the ties, hold your sighs, and say good-byes.

There is no fuel, no passion igniting my inner cavities. I want life. I want reasons. Logical or illogical, something with life and vitality I can hug and lean myself against. I want friction that sharpens and warms. I want something in life that’s exciting, enticing, surprising and never regular. I want simplicity that screams fire and love and charm. I want to hold an open hand and watch memories mature. I want something that draws me in and spits me out. I want to be rebirthed in the presence of another. I want to look at life like a challenge that grips and shakes and caresses me. GOD. Where the fuck is a breath of fresh air. Why do I have this horrible feeling like I have it all figured out. Typically I’d get to a point like this in my life and sabotage all my progress, throwing myself into an oblivious raving state, harming those closest to me, and destroy my character in the process. I would rebuild in order to keep myself sane,only to prove to myself that I am capable of doing good. I feel that at the ceiling of achievement lies the virtue of patience. I cannot hurry my progress along. I cannot change my circumstances to better suit me without waiting longer. I desire all day and night to be better, but I will not compromise my aspirations.

How does one become inspired? I feel that I’ve exhausted my resources. My philosophy is.. yes.. its always that simple… now make it work and stick to it. thats the hard part. Sticking to lofty ideals. I want gratification. I want to scrap the nuances of sacrificial achievement. I want to be happy on this journey. I want to sift through the idiosyncratic subtleties that paint the landscape of life. I want to indulge, be straight forward and clear about my intentions. I want to manage a world of discovery without making it a mundane routine.

Help me expand my horizons to things outside myself. I want to remove my preconceptions about life. I want to learn from the best, the mad ones, the crazy ones, the ones with too much time and too little worries. I want to get caught up in a surge of creativity, burning brightly with passion and zeal. I want to stab my way through hardship and beat on the door of opportunity every day of my life. I want to live to the fullest.

All this would be especially wonderful if I had another to share it with. Where are these people? Where is my soul mate? yes they exist… people who, despite similarities or differences… you are drawn to.. magnetized, hypnotized, mesmerized… love… call it what you want but its powerful. These people feed off your presence, and you theirs. I want to bathe in that someones aura of innocence. I want to penetrate their gaze and swim with their soul in mutual harmony and pleasure and share in a gentle childlike mirth that envelops every corner of my mind and heart… I want it to fill the cracks of desperation and settle me like a soothing lullaby.

Where are you?

I’m distraught. No motives other than the introspective examination of a life wasted. I know who I was… I will be everything that person wasn’t. I am tired of chasing paper trails. I want fancy thrills with substance beyond the ephemeral promises of the times. I want to nurture ethereal relationships that quench the parched and pallid landscapes I live in.

higher

Damn this world. Meaning. All I’ve strive to accomplish and for what? At the end of the day I’m still pitted against the vacuum of emptiness, a void. Where is the meaning? The pursuit of meaning just might be more meaningful than the goal I’m reaching to attain.

Where is my mind? Despite all the philosophers of antiquity, all the poets past and present, no matter how eloquently stated- nothing remains certain. No matter how much is written, no matter how long the debates rage, there is still little evidence that the life of an individual is worth any more now than when he started. Even after examining the assets accumulated, the people touched, the love kindled, one is still forced to face the ultimate reality which nullifies all efforts- death. This is a nihilistic state that I’m literally dying to escape.

So I’m faced with the care of my direction. All my energy has seemed to have left my limbs, the muses departed, leaving me with the reflection of a boy, scared and alone. I once cherished the kindled relationships with other human spirits above any other ideal. Now there seems to be a shallow reality that they are as lost as I. Meaning…

I’m trying to adopt a different tone. This nihilistic feeling leaves me powerless. I’m learning to shun the idea of expecting anything from life, but embrace the expectations that life holds for me. That may be the only escape from this mental torture.

I’ve sabotaged my integrity with illogical optimism. I need to regain footing and stand again with a renewed sense of purpose. I need to be confident in my ability to reach swelling heights of achievement. I am here and, like a tree, I will never question how high I am destined to grow.

write more later.

Always

There are no ifs ands or buts. I will refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I will not put limits on myself. I will succeed wildly. I will dream wildly. I am starving for achievement. I am a success. It is impossible that I will not succeed. I am positive. I am focused. I am driven. I am totally capable. There is nothing more I need than a firm resolve to actualize dreams. I will sacrifice anything. I will read, listen, watch, imagine, create, work, feel, suffer, and endure anything and everything I need to. I will stake my existence on making my dreams a reality. There is never a dream that is too big. The only limits we face are the ones we set for ourselves. I will succeed. I am a success. I have already begun. I pay no heed to the voices of mediocrity all around me. I am unfamiliar with failure. I am convicted to seeing my dreams through until they are a reality. I only see opportunity. There is no such thing as difficulty. I no longer stake the existence of my chief wants by gauging the difficulty of a task. Progress is the reward. No task is difficult if it leaves me closer to the things I want most.

There are controllables and there are uncontrollables. I am in control of a single aspect that dictates the success or failures of my life. My thoughts. I will choose only the most worthy. I will see my dreams as though they have already been accomplished. I will be the most successful person who as ever walked the earth, and if I am ever to play the part, I will need to act the part. No longer will I acknowledge the thoughts that don’t contribute to this aim. I will train myself and develop the habits of the person I hold myself to be. I will never let the standards for myself waiver. I have strong faith. I have tested belief. I am succeeding.

thinking things

I need to write more. I use to write so much. Just to get it out of my mind. To extrapolate the little whispers and bright ideas I conjure up. I love life. I’ve realized a lot of things recently. Firstly… don’t underestimate the power of a thought or a single word. Secondly, don’t overestimate your understanding.

I should focus and fix my eyes on my desires and never mind the distractions of details that show up all around or on the side.

Something I realized that changed my life tremendously is the idea that I am in control of my thoughts. What that means to me has vastly different impacts than it does on most people. I know that circumstances are temporary. I realize that who I am is a collection of years and years of choices and habits and decisions. I’ve molded myself through my decisions. People let circumstances, opinions, people, feelings, mold them…or they mold their circumstances based on deciding how they choose to perceieve them… aka.. their attitude.

So beautiful today. The gentle rolling zephyr. The pristine blue sky.

I gotta learn not to get ahead of myself. I always try convincing myself of the ideal situation.
I always focus on the positive. I try my best not to use words like ‘always’ and ‘never’. When I do I’m trying to emphasize the firm conviction I have towards the ideal.

I’ve been too busy to think recently. I miss my journal and my books and my philosophers and authors and curiosity and imagination. Everything is rote. Going through the motions. I guess I’m getting good at making habits and staying consistent. I’m good at maximizing my time management and doing what I can to test the limits of my physical and mental capabilities. I miss feelings.

I’ve done what I can to take time for myself and relax and contemplate and reflect. i think its important for the soul. You let the neurons run free. No constructs, expectations, deadlines, goals…. just for a few moments a day I like to stare off into space, watch the sun set over the big burly mountains, listen to the delicate conversations between the birds, watch the blue sky melt into a black landscape strewn with sparkling diamond like stars. I watch the moon take shape and creep towards its apex in the sky. I admire the gold and orange and pink and purple tinge soaking upward on the horizon as the sun sets. I like trees. Big green trees. I lose myself looking at the intricacy of life. When I look at a tree, I imagine its broad and deep root system, its thick trunk sucking up water and nutrients like a straw, feeding its branches and leaves. Bare, the tree looks like its sinewy veins are gasping to reach for sunlight and air.

People. There is a universal condition. I see through the psycho babble we’re brought up to believe. Cultural clashes and genetical abnormalities. I believe there is a universal language in love. No matter who you are, you know and feel love. Whether you are receptive or not is another matter but everyone knows it when they feel it. No matter how broken and bruised. No matter how high the walls protecting their bruised and mishandled heart. People need to trust. They need consistency and stability. They need love that is forever. It hurts to give that up or have it thrown in your face.

livid lambent

the world is getting a little grayer. The appeal of things once held in esteem now seem jaded. My thoughts keep taking me further, brightening new worlds and instilling me with new feelings. The parallels sketch on wonderful new meaning, coloring life like never before. I feel less apart of the crowd though. A shift in paradigms has left me with a new appreciation. Wherever I end up I’ll be happy so long I seek the passions that convict me most.

fear and desire

People don’t change unless there is a recognized need to change. No one changes for no reason. When a need presents itself it’s accompanied by two forms of motivating factors that fuel the need to change. Desire and Fear. Those two dynamics hugely impact our lives on a daily basis. Fear allows us to survive, yet it inhibits growth. Fear is the last thing you want governing your needs. Desire is the most powerful emotion in the world. Love and sex are probably the two most powerful desires within the human psyche. They’re also the most important for relationships and, of course, reproduction.

I was thinking about the topics of fear and desire. Desire requires a lot more faith and energy. Fear is almost programmed into us. Its cowardice. Its shame to confront the facts and truths and obeying the desires dwelling within you because of the lack of confidence people have in themselves. The fear of failure. They suppress who they are and what they want. WHY. FEAR. It’s a lie. We have nothing to lose. I wish I could buy into this myself, cause as I say this I feel like there are things I’m afraid to see out, for fear of rejection or failure. It’s a load. I, nor anyone else has anything to lose.

My desire to be fueled with faith; seeking out my passions until they fulfill me, or satisfied with all that I could have done or is worth doing.

Inspirational Dissatisfaction

I’m pissed. I’m really pissed. I’m pissed at myself. I am totally dissatisfied. I forget who I am. I am forgetting my convictions. I am forgetting the importance I place on my values. I’m letting others dictate what I think. Society… the world… what the fuck to they know. I know what I know. Why the fuck am i letting myself be convinced that my experiences and the decisions that I’ve deducted are not true. I am so pissed. When I put myself around these people- their mentality permeates into me and corrupts- it’s so subtle. ‘Be positive’- I tell myself, ‘They are only people searching’… they are foolish. Everything about them. They are lost. They do not know what I know. What I know has meaning as it’s directly relative to my life. These people I put myself around… their false realities and ideals… petty sorry ideals based on their own knowledge.. .nothing true and noble and genuine… they rub off on me. I remain positive but it only infiltrates my convictions further. I am sick. I am fucking sick. These people-no, I am sick of myself. I am sick of the complacency I’ve been letting slip into my life. Casually sleeping in. The drinking. Being someone I’m not… and being alright with it… because I tell myself it’s alright… its acceptable in their eyes… but I know I’m not really like this. But i act like this. And my actions are me. So I find myself becoming them. And i wonder to myself… ‘Who are you Mike? If you are that person do you live passionately convicted day in and day out in this manner, uncompromising?’ and I recently gave myself the answer NO. I am not. And I realized I am NOT ok with it anymore. I will not be positive and let it go by for the sake of any excuse any longer. I am angry. This is a righteous anger.

I am not happy with my progress. I want to be on fire. I want to live to the fullest. I don’t want to put things off. I want to be convicted with the motto ‘Do not put things off for tomorrow what I can today.’ and I refuse to be half ass. These people.. they are fuckin half ass. and I am beginning to think this is normal. NOT by my standards. I have potential I am looking past. I am sick and tired of it. I am forgetting the line that reminded me of this truth years ago:

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in th world to live after the worlds opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the GREAT man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independent of solitude.”Emerson

What I need to remember and not feel guilty or ashamed about for a moment, in everything I do, is the line… “what I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think”

and I gotta realize its hard…
Especially when I see their half ass efforts in their endeavors, their pathetic attempts at achievement, when they don’t know where they are going or what they are doing. They barely know what they want… and they aren’t even passionate enough have the desire to put their all and all into it. I DO know what I want. I have figured this out. This is also hard when I put myself around thier faulty logic. Their pathetic value system. I love people. But there are people that cannot be saved. And I cannot save them. And i need to run the other direction instead of getting sucked into this mindset that I can somehow save them and be the hero with all the answers.

Inspirational dissatisfaction. Thats what I have. And i am pissed. And I and pissed
*****************

Starting this moment I will seek things that I know will bring me closer to my goal. I will not dwell on past mistakes. I will totally focus on the person I want to be. I will focus on who I want to be. I will severe any and all tendencies to doubt or worry. I will remove any and all distractions. I will NOT settle. Whether it be the people or the lifestyle or the thoughts or the activities. I will not. I have a standard of putting my all into it and I will REFUSE to settle for anything less. I am angry with myself for letting it get to this point. Putting myself around these people. They justify everything in thier little world. every lie. every rational. everything they do is OK. I AM NOT OK WITH OK. I want the best. and I will seek the best. Not because it’s what’s entirely what’s best for me- but because it’s the right thing to do. I know I will be rewarded for doing right. Fuck these people who justify everything they do. The laziness… the lies… the cheating… the excuses… hurting people… themselves… doing things that are not whats best. Like enjoying life at the expense of their own life… like getting drunk… getting high… wasting money… smoking cigarettes… staying up late… being destructive. and usually this is also at the expense of others. I am done. I am done with those people. I am done thinking it’s alright being around them. Thinking like them. I am done.
I will do what I have to do. I will absorb the philosophies of those who are where I want to be. I will be convicted. I will be passionate. I will emphatically admit when I am wrong. I will find correction and embrace change- no matter how uncomfortable. Anything worthwhile in life requires effort. Requires hardship, sacrifice, pain. There is nothing easy. There must be a trade. I will give whatever it takes to live life according to the standards God wants for me. According to the standards that convict me despite my attempts to stifle the voice of reason and the feelings of regret. I am not a product of my mistakes. I have the option in this very moment to change. At every moment I have the decision to choose my thoughts. To FEEL . TO feel alive and happy and grateful for the choices I get to make that will make my life better in the long run. No more self indulgence. No more instant gratification. No more rational. No more justification. I am facing the reality.

I will be positive… I will be hopeful. I will not be tolerant. I will not be submissive. I will do whatever it is I need to do to change the course of my life at any moment if I deem it not the direction I want to go. because I am in control of my life. I may not be able to ask for another life or start over. I may not be able to control what happens to me. But I can change the course and the direction and the speed at which I travel to the destination I set for myself. I am in control. To think otherwise would be to give my life to the winds of life to be blown in all directions and be at the mercy of circumstantial waves that will break me for the simple lack of willpower to recognize the power I have over my life and the life I could be potentially lead.

I’m going to to homework now.

Try.

“Whatever you’re doing, be all there.” Jim Elliot

I am not living in the past. i am not a collection of my past best efforts. Every second i have the option of doing my best based on my newly acquired taste of what it takes to be the best. i love being the best. i love perfection, or striving for it. i am not fake. im not going to be miserable by being negative. i am so happy with trying that there is nothing i will not try that would potentially get me close to where i want to go. i will try until i accomplish my goal. i will not have mediocre goals. i will know what the standard is just so i can blow it away. i will be humble and i will learn from the best. i will read and study the best. i will do whatever it takes to reach my full potential. I will have the best attitude. i will always try to reach my dreams even in the diversity of dream stealer’s. people with negative attitudes. people who always like to bring others down. the people who like to give reality checks. well. they can live a mediocre life if they want. They don’t know how to dream. Id rather dream a little and try little than dream a lot and try nothing.

My Personal Mission Statement

Succeed at home first

Seek and merit divine Help

Never compromise with honesty

Remember the people involved

Hear both sides before judging

Obtain Counsel from Others

Defend those who are absent

Be sincere yet decisive

Develop one new proficiency a year

Plan Tomorrow’s work today

Hustle while you wait

Maintain a positive Attitude

Keep a sense of humor

Be orderly in person and in work

Do not fear mistakes- Fear only the absence of creative, Constructive and creative responses to those mistakes

Facilitate the success of subordinates

Listen twice as much as you speak

Concentrate all abilities and efforts on the task at hand, not worrying about the next job or promotion

In, but not of, the world

I like the people who lead lives based on their specific calling, their duty, to themselves and their convictions. I don’t really find the company of people who lead lives based on other peoples opinions too satisfying. I like those who live outside the world. outside popular culture. Those who have visions of great things for themselves that require them to blaze the way in unprecedented manners so that others may follow after they’ve reached the end of their conquest and voyage.

transcendentalism

As John Scotus Erigena put it to Frankish king Charles the Bald in the year 840 A.D., “We do not know what God is. God himself doesn’t know what He is because He is not anything. Literally God is not, because He transcends being.”

deep.

anyway. im very fascinated with transcendentalism at the moment. the ideology, philosphies, and priciples of reality that originated out of american intellects in the 1800’s as a way to figure out through the process of thought, and put the world into a more understandable perspective based on the intuitive and spiritual world- rather than emperical or scientific reasoning. it just fascinated me. anyway. bought a bunch of emerson’s work. i figure if nothing else than to better understand a different perspective of the world i’ll be reading one of the world’s greatest writers. which is something i feel obligated to do. the past few months ive bought literally dozens of books and read them repeatedly.

basically whats got me feeling so good and confident right now is my mindset. its incredible right now. its unwaivering in the deepset determination it has for success and achieving everything in front of it. any obstacle, any fear, any anxiety, and every doubt anyone ever had about my abilities to do it. and most of all… the feeling of stretching my dreams to match the potential i;ve always had, instead of selling myself short- which is what i did for so long and what so many people do. im not saying anybodies any better than anyone else.. honestly i think we’ve all been givin the same potential its just a matter of each of us to realize it for ourselves and put ourselves in a position to maximize our potential to meet every dream we could chalk up for ourselves. and it starts with positive thinking… good feelings… and action. you can talk about your dreams all day and all night but if you do nothing about it, it serves for nothing better than a conversation piece over a cup of coffee. dont be lazy. dont procrastinate. and have faith in yourselves. if you think you’re in a bad position right now that means two things. you thought yourself there… and those thoughts birthed into circumstances. but you have the ability to think yourself into a better position. we always have that power of free choice and free thought.

anyway. i know what i want to do in life. and i know where i want to be. which is HUGE.

look

are you happy? did you champion all you set out to accomplish in the microcosmic world you set up for yourself in your head? do you have enough? are you popular enough? did you party hard enough? smoke enough? drink enough? do enough lines? pop enough pills? reach the point of ecstasy you thought youd need to complete your life? did you kiss enough? fuck enough? did you get all the sex that you thought would make you happy? all the attention? are you efficient enough? do you work enough? enough to gather all the worldly materialistic possessions you thought would bring you to the pinnacle of happiness? are you crazy enough? original enough? are you cooool enough? do you have everyone youve ever met praising your coolness? are you knowledgeable enough? do you read enough? is your vocabulary large enough? impressive enough? is your IQ enough to get you where you need to go? want to go? are reasonable enough? you are you smart enough? smart enough to come up with wit and quips that you thought everyone adored in a person? are you funny enough? do people think your deep enough? enough to sooth their troubled heart and heavy head? or explore the subconscious depths of thier mind when they talk to you? are you easygoing enough to bring anyone and everyone to ease? is your profile designed and structured… enough? do you have enough friends? internet buddies? do you look good enough? is your hair cool enough? your smile? eyes? ears? nose? chin? body? arms? legs? gut? are you gentically enough? do you impress enough? are you good enough?

have you ever had enough? only to realize its never enough?

enough adj 1Sufficient to meet a need or satisfy a desire; adequate

what the fuck is everyone looking for? why the fuck is EVERYONE SEARCHING? FOR WHAT? WHat is everyone searching for? WHY? why do people give up? cause maybe your looking in all the wrong places.um…i do it.

LISTEN TO ME IF YOU READ THIS

If you keep doing what your doing YOULL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOUR GETTING

does that make sense? um. how about be real. with yourself and others. and give up searching in temporary things. things that are subject to change. search for truth and goodness. they never change.

aand that was my mind.

and i feel bad for way too many people. and at times sadly enough… myself. cause i know better.

GOD.

i dunno.

Confused and lost

Saturday, April 01, 2006

….
Confused and lost. Programming myself on a daily basis. I know too much for my own good. I don’t know what I want. I know what I don’t. I struggle daily with vices, addictions, motivating. I’m obsessed with learning, knowledge, acquiring it, putting it to use; and at the same time, totally wasting away because life is short and seemingly unfulfulling. Creativity can be practiced. You’re only as smart as you think you are. Know you are. What is my existence. It’s a cruel catch phrase. I want to catch something that will pull me along. Passions are postal stamps. You label your hobbies as cool. Nothing is filling. Negetivity will bring you nothing, show you nothing. I know nothing in the scheme of things. I think too much. I get headaches, heartaches, and stomache aches. I am conscious all the time. There is little I overlook. I say everything for a reason. But it doesn’t mean i mean it. I look past and beyond whats behind and in front of me, obstacles, you know. I realize my happiness is trivial when compared to yours. I hope your happy. Love exists only in the eyes of a blind man. Fortunately you can gouge your eyes out. I only plead with myself. Im very articulated and poigant. Picky, selective, particular but I’ll lead you to believe I’m not. I’ll please you, but your not special. Few read the credits. Who really cares about anyone but themselves. I can be your biggest fan. I believe in bliss. Lying to youself. Ignorance. I have a hard time dealing with reality. Reality is debatable. I can close my eyes. I escape too often. No ones special without a label. Power corrupts. Knowledge corrodes. Wisdom prevails. and all this means absolutely nothing.