How do you add value to something? How do you show others that something is valuable? How do you know if your efforts are going to be rewarded? How do you know you are happy? How do you know if you are sure? How do you know? Is there empirical data on things that attention more than others? Can this stuff be proven? Are instincts good or bad? How do we know?
Value. Who decides value? Who decides anything? This looking glass. I’m bored. Life is boring. School is boring. It’s so rudimentary. School is un-stimulating. Give me a challenge. Give me something worth figuring out. I guess I should be able to present and search out these challenges for myself. But then again… how can I -when I need college to get on with life- Have a degree so I can get a job and prove myself to society and the people who’ve read the books who got credit for them. What makes my endearing effort outside of the classroom any less reputable and meaningful? I want to know. I think about all the things I could be doing if there weren’t expectations. If I could set the bar. I wonder about the day I will do that. When I master the system and then say. Fuck the system. It’s a waste. It’s garbage. I recommend the books from yard sales and Amazon and I accept the late charges from the local library as opposed to the thousands of dollars thrown down on an education that certifies that you bought the books and you attended an hour or three a week. Fuck the system. Fuck the people in charge. Fuck the stifling. I want to learn damnit. Not out pace those around me and get reprimanded for it. Fuck them. I am bored. I AM FUCKING BORED. School bores me. I feel that I’m being stifled. I want new information and concepts and principles. I’m not a fuckin genius. but I swear to god I feel like I could be if I didn’t let myself buy into the perceptions that I need to be on pace with those around me. My zest far out weighs their pitiful excuse for effort. I can’t be around them. Their stench and lack of enthusiasm nauseates me. I want fresh challenges. I want NEW. I WANT FUCKING NEW. I want knowledge. I want practical knowledge in my pursuit for perfection. Damnit.
This fuckin system… the one i currently bought into…… i abide to the concept that it builds my character when I do things I don’t want to do. Yea. That little concept escaped me for the majority of my life. I went from one fad, from one search, from one concept, belief, understanding, obsession, love, passion to the next on a tri monthly basis it seemed. It marked me no further ahead of my peers in the end. I feel better for it. In a sense I feel damn better for it. They haven’t lived. Been a servant of their passions. Only others. They live for the expectations of others. Well I have no own answers. And I fuckin don’t want to waste time figuring out a system made to fix everyone else’s.
BUT. Here I am. A hypocrite. I worked the service industry unfailingly for a year and a half of my life. Unwavering in my discipline for hard work and consistency. I finished high school. I’m in college. And now. I feel. At this moment. Like I am negating my feelings. Those burning passions. Oh… I have but one that has fueled me in this pursuit. It is the passion for LEARNING. Fortunately learning is a passion that burns strongly in the face of understanding wants or needs or not. It burns on in the midst of trial and error. It progresses and never backs down.
And I am learning. I’m learning a lot. A fuckin hell of a lot. A lot of shit that I am lacking the ability to really find the value in. I see its application. It’s so fuckin trivial though. I have answers that are searing in my depths that are freaking out to be explored. But I delay. And I continue on with discipline. Like a programmed idiot. I get rewarded with little gold grades. A+ for effort. That wasn’t effort. That was minimal shit I just produced. I could’ve written a fuckin dissertation and actually learned something of value. Gotten to the bottom of it. But no. we’ll save that for fuckin the PHD students. Man. oh man.
So I spew some toxic relief. I loose focus when I do things that don’t appeal to my passions. I mean. Thank god I’ve got that niche for just learning for the shit’s sake of it. Because I mean…even figuring out a little gets me worked up. I just wish I could get off with some real learning. Some learning with some depth and breadth.
When I’m not stimulated my desire to produce at all drops well below normal and this is seen as a faulty inability to maintain par – par to the ‘rest’. FUCK THE REST. I am above the rest. And each individual is above them. Cause we’re fuckin individuals. I have no sympathy for people who don’t produce efforts that are constructive. I hate myself for it. I need constructive objectives. I’ve looked a lot of my life for things that were deconstructive. The first part of my life I’ve weeded these horrible conceptions-uprooting them, and after gathering some principles and values that produce genuine fruit for the effort, I planted them into my life. Now. I operate with these set of convictions. NEVER wavering. But I feel. I feel- now what I’m about to say isn’t necessarily logical(at first anyways)due to the fact that it is an intuitive feeling- but I feel… that I am doing this whole school thing… and it’s a waste of time. YES. It’s making me a better person. I am recognizing my potential. That’s great. But man. Like I said before. I feel that I’d be far better off searching for my answers without the formal rigidity and pace of society.
William Dare 