I’ve had debilitating anxiety the past week. My mind has been unfocused and that makes me nervous. Instead of seeing all the things I have to do as individual steps in order to achieve success, I was viewing them as an amassed problem that hung over my head -like a dark cold cloud that inhibited my ambition and vision. A mass like that I look at…and it overwhelms me. Its not a comforting feeling at all. Mid-terms were all this week. They were fun. I aced most of them- and the ones I haven’t gotten back yet I’m at least comfortable enough to say I did the best I could do without being focused. I need to examine the factors surrounding this stint of uneasiness. I have been working out religiously with great intensity. That means I’ve been paying special attention to a sound diet. I’m eating like a horse. Trying to gain some weight and hit the 190lb mark. My physique is lean- and I wanna get fat, at least temporarily in order to stimulate positive muscle growth. I’ve bee sidetracked with thinking about factors that would keep me from doing my best, instead of factors that sustain my best. And its all self-talk. One day at a time till I procrastinate into a hole and feel weak and alone and confused. Which is all bull.

I’m pretty retarded sometimes. As much as I know certain things, I fail to convict myself with their relevance. I know for a fact that continually focusing on problems will just amplify my problems. You look at the brown in a room and you’ll see the brown. Whatever it is you look for- whether or not you want it- you will get. I need to look for positive solutions and opportunities. That way I’ll only be aware of the beautiful array of possibilities that surround me and I fail to recognize.

I just need to relax. I put too my pressure on myself and it causes me to shut down and stop caring. I’m a logical perfectionist. This is good and bad. Perfection is feasible, but unattainable. In order to be perfect I realize that there are logical systems of truths and values that need to be instated in one’s life. Employing these systems all the time is key. I, however, cannot constantly produce this perfection all the time. When I fail to meet my standards, standards that are next to impossible for most, I get get discouraged and retain an ultra critical disposition of my self-efficacy. This is bad as I feel that I am flawed and incapable of maintaining this goal. Of course this is just bullshit. I realize I’m not perfect, and I can only do my best as it pertains to every day. I honestly expect way too much from myself. I expect to know everything, to read everything, to figure out everything, and basically just have all the answers. But I don’t. and that’s alright. I suppose a positive ray can be seen as it’s a worthy conviction- just not too realistic. so yea.

Sometimes I try thinking and I find myself with nothing to think about. So I move onto something such as a book. A book usually inspires me and adds to the pool of thoughts I have to draw from. Especially the amazing classics. But!- sometimes this doesn’t work. So I workout and hope that changing the physiology of my body with help alter my train of thought and inspire me in some way. Sometimes this works and after an intense workout, and the release of endorphins start pumping throughout my body, I feel great and inspired. My mind picks up and runs with thoughts. Sometimes this fails to work. So I try finding stimulating people. That’s a challenge. Especially when all they talk about is trivial bullshit like the problems they bring on themselves when they sleep in and forget to study for a test and fail. or they talk about baseball. or they talk about stupid games. yea..

I like stimulating people who talk about the invigorating things in life- those people are a rare breed indeed. They talk about the idiosyncratic details involved with their feelings toward smiles and autumn and walking in the crisp air as the sun sets in the distance. I like those details. They’re a novel commodity that get thrown out as we get caught up in the big picture. When we fail to look at the details- we fail to appreciate the very details that make up that big picture. The details, those little satisfactions from saying what you mean and although it might be awkward to tell someone how beautiful they look today- its appreciated. They appreciate the honest sincerity in your eye, and I appreciate their beauty. When we’re transparent it makes life better.

But I fail to do this like I know I should. I get shy, I over think, I miss out on details, I miss compliments from others, and I fail to hand them out like I want to.

But life is good. and autumn is in full swing.