Month: October 2007

Hope

Jensen’s view on hope is totally shortsighted and unfounded. I think he degrades one of the most important qualities of life by downplaying the significance of hope. Even more so is his stance that it is indeed a negative thing. Hope? How do we live without hope? I understand where he is coming from, but it’s an unintelligent, ignorant stance. I agree that people at times rely solely on hope like its luck. Like hoping and wishing and waiting will change anything. I understand people step out of responsibility and discard accountability in the name of hoping. But hope is made an effigy, something pure that shouldn’t be tainted.

Hope is a pure thing. Hope is this:
When you understand the positive principles and values in life, by your own experience or through the experiences of others, you can accurately predict the outcomes of these positive sustained efforts. Hope is that one day you will see that you’re efforts will be rewarded like you know they should be. Because, like a seed that you water and prune every day of your life as you toil in the elements, anything positive towards a worthy ideal or cause will bring forth fruit, or desired results.

Hope is that prediction. Faith is a separate animal. Faith is seeing without believing. Faith is on a larger scale, a more profound philosophy than hope. You might say one cannot have hope without faith, but then again you cannot have faith and not have hope. Hope reliance, or understanding, or predicting the outcomes of applied principles towards a worthy ideal. Hope in intangible, residing inherently in the heart of a man. Man without hope is dead. The walking dead.

Saying that hope inhibits action is pinning the accountability to the wrong sinner. To say that hope is something that enables man and his destruction to continue is short sighted and I wouldn’t give the notion the man stated any more of a thought.

Hope springs out of accepting responsibility. When you realize your responsibility and the effect, cause, or change you can have towards your intent or desire, you will be empowered. No hope simply disregards the reality of future fruits of your efforts.

There is also false hope. False hope is just as negative that not having hope at all. t’s just what it says. Its false. It’s a lie. It is not recognizing the situation or the reality and lying to yourself to get by. Once again this is an attempt to escape responsibility

Fate? Fate is the belief that what is is, and what will be will be and nothing we can do or say will make any difference. Fate is placing the responsibility of your life to outside, external circumstances and stimulus. No. I do not believe in fate. Fate is another word for destiny. Is it not? And destiny, at its root, means destination. (destin-). We choose our destiny whether we decide to give it thought or not. For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. You choose your actions because of free will and free choice. Our imagination allows us to envision where our collective efforts will lead us: to predict our actions. To think otherwise is simply trying to escape accountability and responsibility. When we realize the freedom to act one our individual desires, wants, needs, only then can be begin to truly live life for ourselves. People fail to do this when they conform. 90% of the people in this world are followers. They are unimaginative and drifting past the possibilities and opportunities that pierce the heart and transcend human experience.

flower

I want some zest.

I want electrodes strapped to my body and turned on that my heart can skip a beat for fuckin once. Damnit. I am good. My efforts are yielding exactly what I thought they would. I am still not too content. Pity. I’m waiting. I’m waiting for life to take me by the throat and throw me to the ground. So I can rest and look up and see the pretty stars for once. I try doing it all the right way. Everything can be done more efficiently and effectively. You can always do it better: smile better, answer better, improve your tone, style, mannerisms, body language, and basic rhetoric to produce the best results for your efforts. I try real hard.

I want a flower. Yea. A fuckin flower. I want to white one with a little yellow center. And a bright green stem. And I want it in a nice little clear vase… smooth. I want it chillin in the sunlight. nah. I changed my mind. I want my little daisy in the ground. I want it in a pot. So it can grow and be strong and healthy. So I can take it with me. I want to look at my little flower and smile. Flowers make me smile. I don’t know why. Maybe past memories. Maybe I’m a fruit. But I look at their delicate beauty… the effort to grow out and up from a single seed. It reaches up. And opens it face to the sun. And it releases the most pleasing aroma.

I want a little flower for myself. Flowers. I think they remind me girls. Certain flowers. Some women aren’t so delicate as a daisy. They’re like rose bushes. I don’t know if I want a rose bush. They got issues. They’ll prick you as soon as you go to holdem. Damn roses. So nice to look at and smell. That deep and alluring erubescent shade of passion. And that scent that drives you wild. So nice to be around. Not so nice to hold and get close to. Their petals are tight and it’s like they won’t let you in.

I prefer a daisy. Their a bit more wild. Innocent. White and yellow. Pure and happy. Delicate. Slender. They are pretty. I like girls like that. Free and pure and happy and carefree. Open and innocent. They don’t need you but they want you. A flower wants to be appreciated. And I do. They want sunshine and rain and open fields. Hm

Anyway. All that flower business.

Birthday Break

I dont even know where to start. I’m always all over the place. I had a six day break, which was very very nice. I took off school two days early cause I could. Um. My birthday was on Wednesday. I went to Jersey to see old friends. Went to a bar… had some dinner with my old friend Nolan, hung out with Jeffery and Caitlin… got intoxicated and passed out cause I’m a lightweight and I dont care. I woke up in the fetal position, shaking and freezing on his couch.
Jeff sleeps in a walk in freezer. No joke. Multiple air conditioning devices in a 12 by 12 room is just excessive.

I hug out with lil Gavin and Gen all day friday. Friday night I went to Philli with Jamie and Genevieve. We went to 1st friday art festival.. saw awesome art and walked through awesome art galleries. Um. drank a bunch of free energy drinks for no reason at all. Went to Nolan’s farm for a reunion party… old friends and alcohol… shootin the shit. it was great. Went to Dave M’s rents house… they had a sweet party… Yeingling keg, firepit.. food… old people being young again. it was great. Went to Eric and mark’s house… met up with like… EVERYONE i grew up with from glassboro and pitman. Kegs, beerpong, and an open house. Good time.

Jamie and I decided to live a little and be spontaneous so we decide to go to NYC. at 2:00am we booked buses and walked with a drunken clarity like non other to the nearest bus stop. Took two buses to philly and Nyc. We woke up with a minor hangover peering up at massive skyscrapers, listening to oriental languages. Chinatown. That place smells like rotten garbage.

We bought subway passes and explored Manhattan. Beautiful Women…everywhere…no joke… omggg. I love NYC. Hung out in central park.. relaxed…read a little… tanned on the sleeping lawn or whatever…. checked out Columbus Circle, Grand central, Times square, Washington square park, SOHO, NOHO, lil italy, we went to the financial district and the WTC site… and everything in between. it was non stop. stopped at NYU and checked it out. Stopped at a pub. A cafe. talked to random people.

We were constantly running on caffeine. Suprisingly I wasnt strung out. We took a bus back at 1030pm and made it home by 1:30am Sunday…alex picked us up and we went straight home for the showers and a nice meal…i was sorta in a psychosis…my feet and back was aching… but I was mentally sharp. I slept like… hm… 6 or 7 hours and was great for the rest of the day. I hitched a ride back to Mass with my Aunt Den. Hung out with my cousin Gord… bought some beer for him and his friends and we sat around the fire pit chillin and exchanging stories. It was a good time. To be young again. Geeze. Man I sound so lame when I talk to young people. Already I’m like… don’t do this… don’t do that… trust me… duh duh duh. Geeze. Young people gotta learn the hard way. They don’t wanna hear it from me. And if i tell them… I’m wrong. I feel bad for my parents. ha. No one ever takes advice without being fearful their whole life of the unknown. You gotta grab life by the balls and go for it and if you fuck up… then you know not to do that again. be young and stupid. It might hurt and cause pain… but when you decide to get smart all you have to do is look at your mistakes, if you can recognize them, and dont make them again.

so anyway

Digitized thoughts.

My chest hurts. I cough and a fiery sensation burns inside me.

A soft breeze really makes me feel good. It’s chilly but I’m warm now. I have a nice sweater on. It’s white and fitting. My blue jeans are snug and slightly faded. I’m wrapped up nicely.

There are so many people. Walking. Going and coming. They look lost. The mountains are gray. Generations of contrast layered in the distance.

Clouds hang not too far above. I can almost jump up and grab them. Drifting gently across the sky. They gang up on the sun, but its rays are too eager to shine through. The sun smiles across the terrain. Blue sky. Slightly tainted with striated shades of white.

My sweater is white. I have the hood over my head. I peer through my cave out into the world. It protects me. Little men dribble their soccer balls below on the quad. The grass is dark green with occasional spots of sandy brown. Apples grab tightly on the trees, ready to fall like their rotting friends. The hum of a helicopter. My mind. My cough. Damn this cough. I smiled hard today. I mean. It was hard for me to smile… but I did it anyway. It made me feel better.

Sleeping in…
This weekend I slept it. It felt good. Sleep always feels good. You’re in that dream world. Everything, all physical restraints that tug on the mind and body are somewhere far away. I dream and I close my eyes, absorbing into warm plush blankets and plump pillows. I melt and drift and escape from now. I play little movies in my head. I think about what the future will bring. I think about the people I will meet. The places I will visit. I visualize tomorrow’s events hour by hour, planning out in preparation. Sometimes I think about traveling to foreign countries… I like to see the rolling hills in Ireland, the soft grass against the ocean. I like free falling and flying. Sometimes I fall into a deep sleep for a moment and my stomach ascends into my throat with an exhilaration and adrenaline that leads me to jump up and let out a surprised gasp. Only I realize I’m not falling or flying and I’m safe in bed. Hm.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. It’s funny. You have good days… bad days… good weeks… bad weeks… good months… bad months… good years… bad years.

I think it’s funny. You’re life is as good as you make it. Sometimes I forge the true significance of that statement. Some days I feel like I fight against gravity and every urge to stay awake, and other days I make a powerful decision that life is amazing… or it will be… and i live the day like its so. I don’t know why I let myself live any other way. I forget. I get preoccupied with trivial things. Circumstantial things. I forget the amazing grace of God and the beauty of creation.

I’m sitting on a wooden bench. Weathered and splitting. It overlooks a tri-state view that captures the essence of freedom. To see this you need to just look at the rays cascading through the clouds, speckling the mountains and the trees, and watch the birds gracefully skim the tops of the ridge lines.

My Ethics.

 

Over the years I’ve developed a strong understanding and conviction of proper morals and ethics through a variety of my life experiences. For a long time the ethics and morals I held for myself were relative to the situational occurrences and were usually based on how my actions would leave me feeling at the time. This philosophy quickly eroded as it was tested and failed time and time again. I realized that my ethics are a direct reflection of my character and a strong character is something that not only I can rely on in times of doubt, but others can look to for valuable guidance. A strong character is consistent, noble, respected, and trustworthy. Being morally and ethically sound involves being full of integrity, doing what’s right no matter who’s looking, being straightforward and honest, and being selfless in the decisions you make to benefit others as well as yourself. I think a man’s character is the only thing he has when all is stripped away. It’s the reputation that precedes him as well legacy he leaves behind. I realize there were flaws in my personal philosophy and ethical standards that were detrimental to my success. Upon realizing this, I made a resolution to refine myself to exemplify excellence in every endeavor or thought I undertook. My thirst for success motivated me to turn my search for answers to those who were successful and exemplified a life of excellence and honor, so that I could assimilate the best of what they learned and lived into my own life. My pursuit led me to read books of awe inspiring truth and wisdom such as the Bible, to books by authors such as James Allen, Napoleon Hill, John Maxwell, W. Clement Stone, Claude Bristol, Dale Carnegie, and other honorable men. My father is also a source of inspiration in his unwavering conviction to pursue what’s right and flee from what is wrong no matter what the consequence. When interacting with others, I often revert to the golden rule in one form or another to judge my decisions by placing myself in the situation of whomever I’m interacting with.

            During my youth I was involved with many toxic activities which, in hindsight, caused many setbacks toward my long term aspirations. Due to moving over twelve times and attending twelve different schools throughout the first twenty years of my life, I developed a strong love and appreciation for people. This love often caused me to compromise my ethics and morals in order to satisfy or appease my friends and their expectations. Though I tried my best to exemplify my convictions, I often found myself compromising many of my ethical and moral standards when I was around my friends.

            Many of the situations and dilemmas that caused me to compromise my ethics tended to be more internal clashes as opposed to visible confrontations. I do my best to assume full responsibility for my actions in the midst of any adversity. I consider myself a terrible liar, and as much as I dislike the feeling of being dishonest towards other people who trust me, I most of all despise lying to myself. When I get caught for doing something wrong, I embrace the responsibility for my actions and accept the consequence of my shortsighted mistakes. I do my best to spot these incongruencies in order to eliminate any detrimental conflicts with my values. I find it important  to acknowledge the mistake without hesitation and take the appropriate measures to remediate.

            I have learned that problems never go away until they are fixed. If you put off fixing problems they will eventually build up to overwhelm or drown you. They never fix themselves. When I was a younger I had misconception of responsibility.  Taking the form of procrastination,  many problems would pile up and eventually lead to a downward spiral. The same analogy goes for flawed ethical decisions which, if not immediately and emphatically fixed, pile up, causing severe damage to you in the end.