I feel very detached. Emotionally void and distant. I’m not sure the cause of these fits of confusion. I long for some kind of stimulation that would enable me to feel again. I explored the possibility of the weather. This weather is gray and neutral Not too much warmth and happy feelings. And I’m not even sure if I’m sad… I’m just unhappy. I’m a little lost. It’s been a long while since this despondency has hit me so deeply. there is a vein of apathy that kills every thought before it blossums. Not so much apathy… I have the desire to be more and do more… but for some reason my body is not following up. Maybe this is my problem and I’m not addressing it. What’s bothering me? something internally? Is it the weather?.. or may be the lack of social stimulation? no… possibly lack of love? Lack of stimulating classroom experiences? I feel that I go to class each day… I hear what they say… I read the text… I listen and I show up and I participate… but when I walk out of the classroom I am somewhere else. I drift. My thoughts are in the clouds..resting and relaxing… yet uncomfortable and restless.

The trees are dead now. the green grass won’t be green for very much longer. Frost covers the ground every night. It looks like tiny diamonds were strewn across the lawn-scape. a sparkling sea.

I always contemplate joining the military after my college years. I feel that it may do me some good. It wont be easy, but that’s what I want. Something hard, challenging so I don’t think about how deprived of feelings I am. It’s very odd. I need feelings. I need to feel. i don’;t care if it’s bad of good feelings… I can work with the feelins if they are there… i struggle with creating feelings out of nothing. It can be done… I need to focus my thoughts… but it’s a struggle nonetheless.
I’m going to go eat now.