My thoughts have been flittering lately (is that a word?). Fragmented. It’s late right now. I have nothing worthwhile to say. Nothing to describe and articulate on. I have the very average sense of whats going on. Not too much I’d like to get out of me. I feel okay not expanding on it.
I wish my thoughts were elongated (does that make sense?). I wish I had more to say or think. I haven’t always been this way. And its funny… I’m constantly cycling through these periods of inspiration and dullness. I always look back for assurance to tell myself that life’s been better or worse. I can make the best appear however I choose looking back on it. Its not static in my world. Typically I look at my past as a thing thats hard to measure up to. That many people would have a tough time living a life as exciting and risky and fun filled as mine. Ofcourse I only remember the best days, or worst days that I triumphantly overcame. The days in between filled with confusion and listlessness almost don’t exist. But I know they did. In the case that my memory starts failing in my old age I still have my daily paper journals. The journals with the black covers and blank lineless pages that I fill with updates on the mood, particular attitude for the day, hopes, vexations, daily goals and routines. All that stuff. Its my log. Not so much of a poetic archive as it is a record. A record to remind myself of my average self over the years. Like I said, I always remember the past like its an immeasurable accomplishment. Those daily logs keep me grounded in that fantasy.
I was thinking back today on a lot. Highschool specifically (I always spell high school as one word…dunno why, but i won’t correct it this time). The days in highschool where life was this weird thing that you were born into… and it happened to you. the expectations were drawn up and you just grew into them. I thought I was broken when I didn’t ever measure up. when, in my junior year of highschool I had a hard time comprehending what college was for… who the hell knew what they wanted to do the rest of their life at this age? It hadn’t hit me yet. How do all these other people know?!? My senior year was the same… but this time trying was unfathomable. I was still waiting for my life to happen to me. Somehow I would start accomplishing great things and measure up to society’s standards… or my familys expectations. I waited and it never happened… I waited so long that I became bored… and a little anxious… so anxious and bored that i began seeking out activities to fill my time. Activities such as binging of all sorts of magical substances. I thought these would jump start my perceptions. That some how these substances would provide me with a newer and clearer understanding of lifes purpose. I can now say I was wrong. And if i was still actively doing them i would still be wrong. and every time i drink I realize how wrong I am. They offer nothing. eh. Fun for the moment but thats about it. Listen to me… I sound like a pathetic recovering alcoholic. The truth was… I wasn’t messed up at all. A little confused but thats about it. And as soon as i began believing in myself… and in results… life got real easy.
so i’m pretty much amazing. no really. I am great. I mean.. as a living breathing thing… I am irreplaceable. ha… just talking like that makes me feel good. hehe. Talking like I’m some god. Though I often entertain the idea that I’m pretty much flawless and godlike. I wonder if thats normal. I wonder if other people think thoughts like that? hm… don’t care. i know I’m not but what I think gets me a little closer than the rest is knowing I will never be there. Thats when acceptance and all that comes in. I’m bein crazy again.
I read this quote…
“Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves. They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision.” —V.S. Naipaul.
Its pretty much amazing. Its also scary. I’m concerned I’m not living. Of course we all think we’re living it up. Doing all we can do. The truth is… YOUR NOT. I’m not. No one is. We’re all disillusioned. BUT.. we do choose the illusion. I’d like to improve it. I can. It takes will… believing… all that stuff.
I need to wake up early, go to the library… and study for like… an infinite amount of hours. I need to bang my head up against the wall and snap out of it. I want to crawl outta the niche I’ve carved for myself. Too comfortable. Thats the problem with this world.. me and you and everyone… we’re too damn comfortable (thats why i like working out). Pain means gain. I BELIEVE THAT. no pain, no gain. If your green your growin, if your red your ripe (whatever that really means.. i like it anyway). I need pain in my life… eventually.. and i know this from experience… it gets easier and less painful. Why do I second guess myself? Why do i think lifes soooo easy?… why do I always… and i mean… ALWAYS wait for it to get a little easier? All i do is cheat myself out of time… precious time.. and I only have so much… and opportunity… cause there is only so much opportunity that time can provide. UTILIZE YOUR TIME. err my time.
William Dare 