AGHAGAGAH.
I HAVE THE WORST ANXIETY EVER!!
I need to write to vent… its my catharsis. FUCK. Maybe its the twelve ounces of red bull…or the coffee …maybe its the lack of sleep…maybe its the fact that I asked for an extension on this paper….
or maybe its the fact that I can’t stop thinking about getting a 4.0 the next four weeks. The stipulation on going to Vanderbilt is that I maintain the same performance I exhibited in previous semesters… which is a 4.0. SOoo… I’m freakin the fuck out cause I have all A’s and one A-… which scares the hell outta me… and its in ENGLISH. WTF. MY LOVE. MY PASSION is writing. Why the F do I have an A-? Well.. first is there is no excuse. But if I had to generate one it would be that on one of my papers I got an 80%. AN EIGHTY PERCENT. Why? I left school four days early for spring break to attend my childhood friends funeral… and the due date was among those days… and I thought I’d have an opportunity, or make an opportunity, to work on the paper… but I never did… and when the due date rolled around I just sent in what I had… which was utterly retarded… cause the paper was ridiculous.. for one- i had no conclusion… I’m not even gonna get into the rest of the stuff.
Anyway… I am freakin out… my mind is having a REALLY hard time generating content for the paper… as a result I’m caught up on form… which is REALLY hard since I don’t have a good base for the content. What the hell am I trying to form? So anyway… This paper is gonna be a crap shoot. I need to get it over with…and starting tomorrow forget that I need to get a 4.0 and go balls to the wall with my curiousity and intensity for learning for learnings sake. Not try to meet some expectations. just love the material and get to know it all.. in every subject… cause right now all i can think about is getting A’s and its retarded… instead of being curious, i’m dumbfounded.
Anyway… I need to get this anxiety outta my chest. Its eating me up. I am focused, but sick to my stomache. I can’t stop tapping my feet and shaking my leg. I also can’t stop checking my e-mail and reading the news… I HATE the damn internet. If I had it solely for E-mail. THAT would be cool. they I could actually FOCUS. instead… I have this whole web 2.0 bullshit… its like totally customized to my personality, tracking the sites I’ve been on, and presents me with all the shit thats most likely to get my attention- AKA DISTRACT ME. I did this to myself. I signed up for facebook… I have the damn livejournal. I have the damn rss news feed and igoogle with all the cool blog updates. I created the monsters. I need to escape. HOW THE HELL CAN I ESCAPE MY NATURAL INTERESTS. is this what I’m up against? is it a matter of suffocating my inclinations and the things that perk my inquisition?
WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!?!?!?!?!?!
gosh..
*breathes a sigh… looks around the library… notes that everyone is studying hard and not shaking or freaking out…*
*calms down*
Okay..I feel a little better… I will continue this paper, and before nine thirty, I will e-mail it to my teacher… I want to say ‘so help me god’ but I’m scared i wont send it out. Ok… south park… karl popper… open society… liberal democracy…extreme characters… creators supporting popper… for obvious reasons… allow for shock value… and uncensored criticisms towards important cultural forces.
and i’m off…
William Dare 