I had a dream about her again. Amazing as usual. It was back to the way it use to be. Euphoria saturated my senses with every touch. Our noses and cheeks would brush against each other unleashing wave after wave of feelings only described as love. To hold each other was to reject everything in the world at that moment. It was as if we were never apart. Years later, and the feelings inside never departed.
She texted me the other night. I bought her a journal when we first met. She texted me to tell me she was reading it, and that it was weird. I could relate. A few months ago I read my old journals from about four years ago. I had a hard time relating to that person. Young and naive- but I learned from it. I explained that we were young and in love… or thats how I like to remember it. Confused and in love.
Is it strange that I think of her almost daily? And its been four years? I believe shes been with a few boyfriends since us. I see her at least once a year… and each time I think that the effect she has on me has diminished since last time… but it hasn’t. The feelings remain the same as the first day I laid eyes on her. Since our first conversation that confirmed everything I felt about her, those feelings have never waned. Now, what to do about those feelings… that was always the tough part. She explained that we were intense. Intense wasn’t the word. Passion so potent that it lit our hearts on fire. To hold, to touch, to be in their presence was more than enough to satisfy any discontent in the world.
Alas. I made the decision back in the day that I was more destructive in trying to figure out what to do with these feelings than constructive. With her well being in mind, I made the choice to cut off any emotional attachment and slowly reprogrammed myself to think on other things. Quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… and it never really worked because here I am, four years later, thinking about her.
But I am forever indebted to her. The simple love we shared in my youth has been enough to propel me through any challenges I’ve been met with since. I have raised myself from a pit and have hurled myself toward dreams that are as wild as our unbridled passion. She has forever granted me the power to feel powerfully if I choose to.
I acknowledge that it is highly whimsical to believe that there will ever be a future between us. Very improbable… but not impossible. But what she has given me is hope. She has shown me feelings I could never have imagined possessing in my life. I believe, in my deepest of hearts, that I am capable of feeling that again… with or without her. I will find another to share the passion with.
In the meantime, I will create myself to be the person a girl like her rightfully deserves… in character and action and virtue….
PUKE. Fortunately I’m callous and emotionally void so I really can’t believe any of this garbage.
William Dare 