Month: June 2023

This week was a difficult week. I had heavy feels. My thoughts weren’t exceedingly deep, but my heart was heavy, for no particular reason. I slept in. I slacked off. I stayed up late. I napped. I did not fake it to anyone, not the wife, not my colleagues. I was honest about where I was and how I was feeling. I genuinely feel you can’t process and move on any other way.

I would really like to take psychedelics sometime soon. It’s been roughly two years since we conceived on Lucy and I’ve had no experiences since.

I need to go to bed. There is no use staying up this late. I would like to process some thoughts and feelings while I’m up, but I’m contemplating the expense this will take.

I really need to figure out who I need to be to achieve what I want. I need to figure out who people, my clients, would like to associate with. I need to be very strategic. This needs much thought. In addition to business support strategy.

I want to go backpacking with B, J, and D. Somewhere new, exciting, remote, adventurous.

Where to find inspiration?

Do I want to own my own business? How do I achieve this.

I recently ended the company fiscal year. I am still trying to determine whether I hit my goal or not. I got a 12% base pay raise. I applied for a management position. I was passed over, because the two other candidates previously held the role. The company restructured the sales organization. I feel my manager is not really doing a great job managing. He is a huge fan of me, and supports me in whatever I do. But he isn’t managing and doesn’t provide accountability or structure. When I applying for the sales management job I spent many hours reflecting on how I would manage his team, and what I would do differently, and the structure and accountability I would provide. I asked myself a lot of questions about what I need from a manager. I’m not really that motivated for the upcoming year. I have 2 solid clients with decent potential, and maybe 1-2 additional clients that may generate some dollars. I’m struggling to feel invested at work. There is a certain grind that takes its toll. The hardest part of my job isn’t building a relationship, identifying an opportunity, or closing the deal, which takes tremendous effort. The hardest part is client service. Making sure the consultant or team performs and meets or exceeds the clients expectations, and delivers value that satisfies the client. Some clients are hard. Some clients cannot be easily pleased. Some consultants are unreliable. Some have personal issues that impact their professional lives. If sales is a science, managing people is an art. Or is it?

I will spend the next month refocusing on my account strategy for the new year. I will do research and analysis and planning and then begin executing.

However, I want something more. I want more of a challenge. I want to see a vision and realize that vision. I need to do this for each client. “If I’m so good/successful/smart then just I should have no excuse not to achieve my goal.” The playing field is the same for everyone. The greatest differentiator is attitude.

My attitude will determine my success for my whole life: I must have a great attitude.

Let this be a cornerstone: a positive mental attitude I am successful. I see the best in others. Struggle is growth. Adversity creates opportunity. I can change my circumstances by changing my attitude. Always be learning.

If I don’t believe in myself, no one will.

I must believe that I am destined to succeed. I must have a positive attitude. Keep my eye on the prize. Hardship is of no consequence.

Assuming I accept my current duty, and continue in the role I have now: How can I achieve my goals?

How can I guarantee positive outcomes? I need to be positive in every circumstance. Joy. Light. Optimism. I can do it. I will do it.

What do I want from life? Who am I trying to be? Whatever that is, it needs to happen now, where I am currently at, and become the best at it.

I need great energy. How can I guarantee great energy and enthusiasm, day in and day out? Do I need to pray? Have faith?

I need a vision. I need to visualize what I am becoming and

Mind. Body. Spirit.

Mind: need to read and learn and intellectually stimulate myself with activity beyond work.

Body: I need to exercise 20 minutes daily.

Spirit: I need communion with nature or quality humans.

What is my purpose? I want something huge. I want a challenge. I want something that lights me on fire and taps into every cell of my being.

Would be great to write a book, start vlogging, start a business. Perhaps all three. I should just start producing material and content that I find helpful for me or that would be an instructive exercise to produce and create. I’m sure others would find it useful.

I need to see this vision and let it inspire me and just lean into it.

I also need to reflect and journal more. I reflect, but I haven’t been spending time journaling and capturing these thoughts to paper. I need this now more than ever as I’m trying to make sense of my purpose and life and meaning.

I see others achieving their dreams and aspirations, and they are no better or capable than I. What am I missing?

I want to provide for my family and I want to be fulfilled.

The advice I’d give myself: Just get started. Action creates order. The path will appear as I move forward.

My life purpose is to help others actualize their fullest and truest form of self.