anecdote

I value knowledge… so damn much. I think its a result of some childhood trauma… maybe insecurities.Maybe.

I remember ‘smart’ was those damn kids who could spell… diagram sentences… do multiplication as fast as they could write… and do all their homework. anyway..

I want to be smart and intelligent and well read and wise. Its funny.. I’ve seen a ton of psychologists and psychiatrists and counselors and therapists and psychoanalysts in my life… and usually they pose some universal questions to get an idea of your character…such as “if you could have any super power, who would it be?” or “Who is your hero?” or “What kind of books do you like to read?”… Its funny how these questions become clearer the longer your in the system. Anyway… while I remember being angry most times I was dragged to these idiot doctors… most of whom would simply up the medication or prescribe the newest medication or try out new combinations… despite anything I said… till the point where I would just sit there for 30-60 minutes and ask them enough questions to get them talking about themselves… everyone loves talking about themselves. ANYWAY.. this kind of manipulation was pretty regular… but I can remember I had some God’s honest answers to some of these questions. The one that stuck out most in my mind was “If you could have any super power, what would it be?”… as a depressed 13 year old, I had thought of this one long and hard before… I had examined all the problems with having laser vision, or incredible strength or speed or flight or being the smartest man in the world. I knew that while having these powers would undoubtedly be awesome… they wouldn’t leave me any happier… or prevent me from knowing Truth. So… I reasoned, even at the age of 13, that if there was one quality I desired more than any other, one power that I held above the rest, it was ‘wisdom’. The proper application of knowledge. Knowing when to make a decision, how to make it and what it would lead to.

I still desire wisdom more than any other ideal. Wisdom is gleaned from experience… and it gives birth to success. Wisdom is what gets you to your goals, connecting your actions with your desires.

So in regards to the other questions… yea… I don’t have a hero. Never did. Closest I got was my father… and that was a F’in scary hero if there ever was one.

As far as favorite books? Never had one until the past few years. I was a hyperactive little child… too much curiosity with life. I never learned to tame my focus and realize there were worlds and keys that unlocked miraculous doors inside books. I was too hung up on floating dust and chewing my nails… ok so maybe not that bad… but it usually involved climbing trees, jumping stuff on my bikes, reptiles, building stuff, slingshots and playing with sticks and such. When they asked me what my favorite book was I could probably remember what I’d say… since there were pretty much two things I read religiously growing up… #1 was the encyclopedia… we had a library and every time I took a crap… or had any question in the world.. I would grab a letter and read it.. i must’ve read those things like 10 times through growing up. The other thing I read were magazines. They had pictures… short quick articles… littered with little comments that summed up ideas. I loved those damn magazines…popular science… popular mechanics…etc.,

before I begin.

I’m just going to write a bit before I begin my work. I just finished the book “How to get into Law school” by Susan Estrich. Amazing, thoughtful, insightful, honest book on the whole process involved with going to law school. I hope she’s as honest as she sounds because she definitely convinced me that law school is where I want to be. What kind of law do I want to practice exactly? I can figure that out later. At the moment all my thoughts need to be turned to the LSAT. The single most deciding factor in the whole law school admissions process. The other important factors in order are GPA, personal statement, recommendations, and extracurricular.

I have a good amount of homework I need to begin on. I have a cognitive psychology test tomorrow… not exactly thrilled about it, but not too concerned. The teacher is a PhD from Harvard… but I swear to got she’s got some kind of cognitive degenerative disease… either that or her kids totally made her fry out. The class itself its drier that dirt. Any material discussed in class is directly out of the book. Creative discussion? Derived and guided by the book. No room for creative discourse. I should say that this is her first year teaching cognitive psychology… I should also say that she has a PhD in education. She’s a mom now. She must have stopped learning as soon as she had kids. She’s technologically illiterate… totally handicapped. Some classes require a full 30 minutes of her figuring out her computer or how the projector works before we begin… or her explaining (or justifying) in some totally nonsensical and unnecessary way her decision to change her plans for the day’s course. I want to slit myself in her class. Considering that psychology has been a passion of mine, and I was planning on double majoring it, its surprising the contempt I have for the subject when I walk into her classroom. Also- I despise teachers who shell out a ridiculous amount of homework to make up for their shitty teaching ability… and they grade the homework so meticulously that you have to spend an ungodly amount of time making sure nothing escapes her expected answers. Pure regurgitation I may add. Purely paraphrasing and summarizing. No room for creative thought, building associations and creating new paradigms with the information. Nope. I like the professors who dole out homework once and a while, check to make sure you do it, and provide constructive feedback if your own the right track, posing questions as additional guidance.

Anyway…

So when I’m done this cathartic vent, I’ll begin studying for my cog Pysch test tomorrow.
Followed by Calc. I have a Calculus II hand in test due tomorrow. Integration by parts and integration tables. Take home quiz.
Advanced composition, semiotic analysis essay.. six pages.. on Karl Popper’s political philosophy on Open Society.. with dabs of references to his critique of totalitarianism.. using South Park to illustrate our liberal democracy operating within an open society. yadda yadda. I’ll save it for the paper..
Then I have AdvComp reading… followed by two sets of questions..
then Spanish II.
then Stats.. if I get around to it… which I can bet I wont.

All told… there’s a solid 5-6 hours of studying there… can I do it? hellfuckinyes.

Uneasy

****************

I’ve been having some uneasy feelings lately… about all sorts of things. I’ll speculate its a result of a subconscious anxiety stemming from the whole transfer application process… I’m waiting to hear from the schools now. Even with a flawless college academic performance, marred by a horrific high school experience, supplemented by amazing extracurriculars, great professor recommendations and, in my opinion, ‘okay’ personal essays… I am extremely skeptical about the upcoming decisions. I feel that I could’ve had a better personal statement.. but everyone could have a better personal statement. I also feel I totally forgot to mention why I did so crappy in high school ( emotional stresses, moving a bunch, attending three different highschools, etc). Adding that detail would shed light on much of the questions my high school track record may pose.

*****

Also… my summer internship… just thinking about it makes me ill… oh I’m doing it…. but its gonna be hell… and I’ll make the best of it… but itll be painful.

dargonlady

My friend is going out with this dragon lady (urban dictionary that phrase if it leaves you confused). That’s all I need to say. She’s creating problems that I didn’t even realize could exist. I think she’s an idiot… for a myriad of reasons, on multiple different levels… and no… She’s not an idiot for creating problems… she’s an idiot because she’s intellectually shallow and superficial… although with all the ‘things’ she surrounds herself with, one would never guess. Money usually connotes intelligence and some degree of success… but when its been handed to you… and you never had to work for anything… except manipulating the people who can provide you with more of it… you usually fall pretty short of intelligent. On the contrary, you become a self absorbed, ego centric who demands all the attention of those who can meet your needs… be it material, emotional, or mental.

And my friend? How could this happen to him? Well… this is his first real relationship so theres not much he can compare it to. This is how it goes as far as he’s concerned. And he loves the physical gratification of being with someone. No one can blame him for that. Unfortunately he has become blinded… something that happens to every good man at least once in his life. Women have the ability to create illusions… they are powerful at seduction. This is nothing new… and hes not the first victim. and after all… she ‘loves’ him… all it took was two months of living in a living purgatory full of retards and under achievers to provide the perfect panacea for her insecurities and emotional needs. Maybe I’m being too unkind.

She’s a great girl… I mean… if I was going to buy the facade she works so hard to fabricate on a daily basis… yes… she is a great girl. If I didn’t have a nagging feeling she was being so artificial I would have only genuine feelings. But my intuition doesn’t afford me with that peace. There is immense dissonance and it robs me with those good feelings. Oh well.

I could elaborate here the variety of reasons why I’m so agitated. Not at their relationship, but her character. I shouldn’t care really. And I normally wouldn’t. I would simply marginalize her until she was completely out of my peripheral. I wouldn’t have to be unkind at all. I just ignore the people who raise obvious alarm bells. The problem is that my good friend is dating this person. So she’s constantly around me. Actually… she does a good job commanding his whole attention so it’s not that she’s constantly around me… it’s just that whenever Im around him, she follows. So naturally… my feelings about her character are hard to ignore. One thing that’s hard for me to do is pacify people. She demands it… being the youngest child from a divorce torn family who makes up for their guilt by shoveling materialistic compensations at her, its understandable…to a degree. Everyone around her oohs and ahhs at all her nonsense. Her inane comments… the dull ones that she tries oh so hard to articulate… her broad knowledge about everything… her depth about nothing. She tries so hard to live up to these stereotypes and expectations that she feels will instill a degree of worth in her life. Her attempts, outward and obvious as they are, only prove to reinforce the complete lack of value she sees in herself. Now… I will say she has plenty of value… but her observable behavior, behind the facade of course, suggests totally the opposite.

Silence is golden. Its acknowledges a level of depth beyond the moment. Some people fail at this.

******************

Lots of thoughts

I’m just gonna write a bit before I begin my work. I just finished the book “How to get into Law school” by Susan Estrich. Amazing, thoughtful, insightful, honest book on the whole process involved with going to law school. I hope she’s as honest as she sounds because she definitely convinced me that law school is where I want to be. What kind of law do I want to practice exactly? I can figure that out later. At the moment all my thoughts need to be turned to the LSAT. The single most deciding factor in the whole law school admissions process. The other important factors in order are GPA, personal statement, recommendations, and extracurriculars.

I have a good amount of homework i need to begin on. I have a cognitive psychology test tomorrow… not exactly thrilled about it, but not too concerned. the teacher is a Phd from Harvard.. but I swear to got shes got some kind of cognitive degenerative disease… either that or her kids totally made her fry out. The class itself its drier that dirt. Any material discussed in class is directly out of the book. creative discussion? derived and guided by the book. no room for creative discourse. I should say that this is her first year teaching cognitive psychology… I should also say that she has a phd in education. shes a mom now. She must have stopped learning as soon as she had kids. shes technologically illiterate… totally handicapped. Some classes require a full 30 minutes of her figuring out her computer or how the projector works before we begin… or her explaining (or justifying) in some totally nonsensical and unnecessary way her decision to change her plans for the day’s course. I want to slit myself in her class. Considering that psychology has been a passion of mine, and I was planning on double majoring it, its surprising the contempt I have for the subject when I walk into her classroom. Also- I despise teachers who shell out a ridiculous amount of homework to make up for their shitty teaching ability… and they grade the homework so meticulously that you have to spend an ungodly amount of time making sure nothing escapes her expected answers. Pure regurgitation I may add. Purely paraphrasing and summarizing. No room for creative thought, building associations and creating new paradigms with the information. nope. I like the professors who dole out homework once and a while, check to make sure you do it, and provide constructive feedback if your own the right track, posing questions as additional guidance.

anyway..

So when I’m done this cathartic vent, I’ll begin studying for my cog pysch test tomorrow.
Followed by Calc. I have a Calculus II hand in test due tomorrow. Integration by parts and integration tables. Take home quiz.
Advanced composition, semiotic analysis essay.. six pages.. on Karl Popper’s political philosophy on Open Society.. with dabs of references to his critique of totalitarianism.. using South Park to illustrate our liberal democracy operating within an open society. yadda yadda. I’ll save it for the paper..
Then I have AdvComp reading… followed by two sets of questions..
then spanish II.
then Stats.. if I get around to it… which I can bet I wont.

All told… there’s a solid 5-6 hours of studying there… can I do it? hellfuckinyes.

****************

I’ve been having some uneasy feelings lately… about all sorts of things. I’ll speculate its a result from a subconscious anxiety stemming from my transfer application process… I’m waiting to hear from the schools now. Even with a flawless college academic performance, marred by a horrific high school experience, supplemented by amazing extracurriculars, great professor recommendations and, in my opinion, ‘okay’ personal essays… I am extremely skeptical about the upcoming decisions. I feel that I could’ve had a better personal statement.. but everyone could have a better personal statement. I also feel I totally forgot to mention why I did so crappy in high school ( emotional stresses, moving a bunch, attending three different highschools, etc). Adding that detail would shed light on much of the questions my high school track record pose.

*****

Also… my sumemr internship… just thinking about it makes me ill… oh I’m doing it…. but its gonna be hell… and I’ll make the best of it… but itll be painful.

Also.. my friend is going out with this dragon lady. thats all i need to say. She’s creating problems that I didn’t even realize could exist. I think she’s an idiot… for a myriad of reasons, on multiple different levels… and no… shes not an idiot for creating problems… shes an idiot because she’s intellectually shallow and superficial… although with all the ‘things’ she surrounds herself with, one would never guess. Money usually connotes intelligence and some degree of success… but when its been handed to you… and you never had to work for anything… except manipulating the people who can provide you with more of it… you usually fall pretty short of intelligent. on the contrary, you become a self absorbed, ego centric who demands all the attention of those who can meet your needs… be it material, emotional, or mental.

And my friend? How could this happen to him? well.. this is his first real relationship so theres not much he can compare it to. this is how it goes as far as he’s concerned. and he loves the physical gratification of being with someone. no one can blame him for that. unfortunately hes become blind by her… something that happens to every good man at least once in his life. women have the ability to create illusions… they are powerful at seduction. this is nothing new.. and hes not the first victim. and after all… she’s in love… all it took was two months of living in a living purgatory full of retards and under achievers to provide the perfect panacea for her insecurities and emotional needs. maybe i’m being too unkind.

shes a great girl.. I mean… if I was going to buy the facade she works so hard to fabricate on a daily basis… yes.. she is a great girl. If I didn’t have a nagging feeling she was being so artificial I would have only genuine feelings. But my intuition doesn’t afford me with that peace. There is immense dissonance and it robs me with those good feelings. oh well.

I could eballorate here the variety of reasons why I’m so aggitated. Not at their relationship, but her character. I shouldn’t care really. and I normally wouldn’t. I would simply marginalize her until she was completely out of my peripheral. I wouldn’t have to be unkind at all. I just ignore the people who raise obvious alarm bells. The problem is that my good friend is dating this person. So shes constantly around me. Actually.. she does a good job commanding his whole attention so its not that she’s constantly around me… its just that whenever Im around him, she follows. She naturally… my feelings about her character are hard to ignore. One thing thats hard for me to do is pacify people. She demands it… being the youngest child from a divorce torn family who makes up for their guilt by shoveling materialistic compensations at her, its understandable…to a degree. Everyone around her oohs and ahhs at all her nonsense. Her inane comments… the dull ones that she tries oh so hard to articulate… her broad knowledge about everything… her depth about nothing. She tries so hard to live up to these stereotypes and expectations that she feels will instill a degree of worth in her life. Her attempts, outward and obvious as they are, only prove to reinforce the complete lack of value she sees in herself. Now… I will say she has plenty of value… but her observable behavior, behind the facade of course, suggests totally the opposite.

Silence is golden. its acknowledges a level of depth beyond the moment. Some people fail at this.

******************

subed.bent-

Word of the wise: do not wait till the last minute. I did and I submitted it a minute too late. We’ll see how this affects my chances of getting in.

Bentley Supplemental Essay Question

Please discuss your interest in Bentley and the aspects of our community that will help you reach your academic and personal goals. (2000 letters)

In my recent readings I have become more and more aware of a shift in demand that is occurring throughout our world. The shift deals with movement away from an information era and its many technical, number crunching occupations, and a push towards a conceptual based era where creative thinkers and pattern seekers are in hot demand. What is most important about this shift is that it is beginning in America. While I can present you a case for my research, readings, and intuitive sense, I am certain Bentley University is already aware of this trend.
One of Bentley’s most attractive qualities is its emphasis on a liberal studies education in conjunction with a business study discipline. Some may favor Bentley because they believe this produces a well rounded student, which is undeniably true; however, I value Bentley because I believe that skills acquired from their liberal studies program will be an integral part of the success of the future business leaders of the world.
Now that the information age has yielded an unprecedented level of technology, we find ourselves with an overwhelming number of tools and resources at our disposal. The business leaders who will capitalize on these abundant resources will be those who are able to see the larger picture, find patterns and organize those resources in order to create new value. I see Bentley as a place that will produce these leaders, and since I learned of their encouragement of a double major in the liberal studies, my interest has continued to grow.
Another trait that I find very appealing about Bentley University is its holistic and uniformed commitment to business. Because it is a school with a primary focuses of business, from academics to student life, every aspect of the experience relates to business in some way. I believe an environment that fosters the success of a similar end in mind creates a synergistic quality that allows for tremendous growth of each individual. Whether it is the networks, interests, support, or encouragement, being in an atmosphere where everyone shares a commitment to some aspect of business can only help supplement the experience of academic growth.
I am also aware that Bentley’s virtues extend well past those I mentioned above: its intimate classroom settings, acclaimed technology, stunning campus, thrilling sporting events, convenient location near Boston, and its tight night community.
With everything I mentioned combined, I believe Bentley will play a vital role in helping me achieve my personal and career goals as a future business owner.

The Culture of Narcissism

“In a simpler time, advertising merely called attention to the product and extolled its advantages. Now it manufactures a product of its own: The consumer; perpetually unsatisfied, restless, anxious, and bored. It ‘educates’ the masses into an unappeased appetite not only for goods but for new experiences and personal fulfillment. It upholds consumption as the answer to the age-old discontents of loneliness, sickness, weariness, and lack of sexual satisfaction and at the same time creates new forms of discontent peculiar to the modern age. It plays seductively to the malaise of industrial civilization. Is your job boring and meaningless? Is your life empty? Consumption promises to fill the aching void.”

– Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism.

Charles Bukowski – The Genius Of The Crowd

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

Daily Review

Cognitive Psychology was canceled today… or the teacher got lost on her way to the classroom. Either or.. I’m in the library. I haven’t been writing as much… online, in my journal. I’ve been busy busy. Sometimes I think I’m busy but I’m not getting much done. I hate that kind of busy. Its like moving and going but never actually accomplishing anything. I haven’t felt at peace in a long while. And when I say that… I mean I haven’t felt a quiet peace of solitude within my soul. That kind of peace is the result of consistent and quiet contemplation and reflection. I read recently that ‘prayer is the expression of desire’. I like that. If God is truth, then I like it that much more. I have a desire for truth, knowledge. I pray to God. Almost analogous.

I have alot of work today. This weekend I read like… alot. Slept a great deal. Friday I got drunk… not the typical night though.. gather with a group of friends and played power hour for like two hours… which resulted in a deep inebriation. I passed out at Kates and woke up midday. I was so disappointed with myself that I locked myself away and read… all day. Sunday came around and the same thing. Locked away… and read. Today.. i woke up late but, like I said, class was canceled. I love when that happens. Now I’m in the library… was trying to get some work done but I haven’t made too much progress.

I’m reading “How to get into law school” by Susan Estrich, dean of admissions at USC. Its an older book… by older I mean like 2003. So not that old at all.

I’ve been pretty dissatisfied with everything lately. I want to be open with my opinion about things. I feel I always stifle my true feelings because I don’t want to make them true. Maybe they’re already true and getting them out allows for an awareness that fosters a position to change? I like that position far better.

There is this girl, totally spoiled, and usually at the center of attention. Shes the youngest child from a well to do family. When I say well to do, I mean, she has a credit card from her mother, and her father, and she spends whatever and whenever on them. No, never question. She has this attitude that whenever she goes into a store, she NEEDs to buy something. She admits and openly professes this. She wants to be identified with this total lack of self control, yet she will defend herself if it appears like a deficiency instead of a admirable quality. Doesn’t everyone wish to spend indiscriminately? She crashed her $60k Mercedes why under the influence.. gosh that sucks.. no bother. She admits her mother has pretty much promised to reward her with another car, of equal quality. This is her fifth year of college with no clue as to what major to pursue. the idea of work is frightening, and i imagine so if you’ve never had to totally support yourself. She transferred schools this semester in order to avoid any sort of commitment to a degree. my impression is that a there are deep insecurities, possibly stemming from her parents divorce, that she masques with materialistic indulgences. She has clutter everywhere. Its somewhat chic though. Never without a purpose. Shes cute as a button. Loud, silly. She laughs and trips and bumps into everything. Shes like a 5 year old girl. Literally. Very emotional. Always crying about something. Recently she fell in love with my close friend. They’ve known each other for about a month and a half. If that. He’s transferring off to a distant college. Shes off to… who knows where.

I decided I don’t like getting caught up in the trappings of others affairs. I need to focus on myself, my own convictions. I call them convictions because I do not know what else to call them. Goals, convictions, principles, visions, purpose, direction etc.

I need sleep. Desperately. I keep telling myself I’ll get on a sleep schedule but it never happens. Probably because I haven’t been making it happen. I need to simply shut off the lights and crawl into bed come 12 o clock. No matter if my work is not done, no matter how awake, no matter who I’m with. Also- I need to force myself to wake up at 730am every morning. Non of this 930am, 815 am bs. Not when I have class at 1000 and 830.

Anyway… I have a calcII quiz today… Spanish homework… cognitive psychology study questions… advanced composition reading and questions.. and statistics homework. not to mention class from now till 300 and meetings at 4, 5, and 6. busy indeed.

Fundamental America

This is what a paper written in 1 hour and 20 minutes looks like.

Fundamental America: Free for a Price

Examining the paradoxes of social inequalities within the scope of democratic sentiments

Inherent Paradoxes

            Two hundred and thirty years ago the American people declared their independence from tyrannical autocratic rule. The founders synthesized the enduring democratic rights and truths of the greatest philosophers that ever lived. Despite this, democracy was reserved for a margin of people and out of reach from the vast majority. Since our countries conception, great advances have been made to refine what democracy is and establish who has the right to contribute their voice. Major movements in women’s suffrage and later slavery and African American rights were milestones that helped shape the seemingly exclusive ideal of democracy. Currently America faces several fronts that challenge the legitimacy of our current democracy.

Social Inequalities

            In our readings in Signs of Life in the USA, authors Sonia Maasik and Jack Solomon address a variety of paradoxes that exist within our American culture in chapter six, American Paradox. No paradox is more controversial and relevant than America’s simultaneous declaration of universal human freedom and equality and its long history of racism. This paradox addresses the tip of the iceberg of much larger paradox illustrating an advertised freedom that was not intended to be free.

Historical inequalities

            Examining our American roots we can see that our puritanical Christian forefathers desired a society of their own, free from autocratic dictation. They envisioned this society for the United States. As time went on, these puritanical sentiments persisted and found their way into our legislation. Because their ideals subjugated the rights of women and African Americans, they were prevented from voicing themselves for the first half of American history. Only after massive opposition and generations of change have these become matters of the past.

Xenophobia of Middle Easterners

            In our current culture racism seems to be localized to extreme fringe groups. Popular culture has seen women take center stage on political issues, and African Americans dominate multiple industries from entertainment to sports. However, social inequalities are still alive and well, and although racism may be withering, xenophobia continues to blossom with every generation. Most recently our country has been in multiple wars and with every war is an accompanying fear. Middle easterners have been the target of these fears as our government denounced radical Muslims and extremists from the middle east of reeking havoc world wide. While the atrocious crimes were committed by radical sects, the language used to single them out has effectively caused a mass hysteria directed towards the Middle East as a whole. Ignorant Americans forget that the numbers of such extremists are next to nothing.

Xenophobia of Illegal Immigrants

            Another xenophobia gripping our nation is that of illegal immigration. The news of illegal immigrants storming our borders, scaling walls, digging tunnels, enduring deserts and dangers has America in a panic. While Americans national security has been called into question, another issue of economic security has been the focus of most news. Illegal immigrants are publicized as taking hard working tax paying American’s jobs. In light of our economic decline, this has been the spotlight of most Americans concern. To compound the issue further, America’s war on drugs is now directly battling the major trafficking of illegal drugs through our southern Mexican border.

Social Inequality of Homosexuality

            The last social inequality that challenges the fabric of our constitution and agitates the ethical and moral minds of America is the issue of homosexuality. It seems it would be an inevitable topic given our ‘free’ country was founded by puritanical Christians. While the issue of homosexuality has made much headway in popular culture and open acceptance the past two decades, it has only recently been challenging the roots of America. Proposition 8 and the issue of same sex marriage has been the most widely publicized debate on the issue.

Examining the Paradoxes

            Why are these paradoxical? While some might look at these issues and produce valid concerns for their legitimacy, they overlook the very foundations of America. This land, whatever the founder’s initial intent, was established as a haven for the persecuted, a home for those underfoot, those whose rights were molested or stripped. Social inequalities serve to destabilize the creed of freedom. To remove one man his rights would be to undermine the rights of all men. This, however, is what America has done throughout its history as it has attempted to reserve democracy to a select few.

Reserved Freedoms

            These examples illustrate a major flaw in America’s declaration of freedom and equality: where the line of freedom is drawn. While we hold our relativistic and tolerant values supreme, we are terribly protective and afraid of anybody watering this down and wavering from these values.  In the case of illegal immigration, most would think that America, of all places, would be the most receptive and lax about this process. Considering that there are no true natives other than the Indians, we should embrace the people who venture here to exercise their rights. The truth is that earning your citizenship and freedom in America is an arduous test of patience that many people simply do not have the time to pass.

Paradoxes: Generational Entrapment

            Democracy is defined as a government by the people; a form of government in which the supreme power is retained and directly exercised by the people. These people make up the common people and dictate the governing rule through the legislative and judiciary process. However, problems arise when one generation’s laws improperly reflect the current generation. As the generation of one common people phases out, another phases in, often met in opposition to outdated traditions and beliefs that made their way in legislation. These tendencies create obstacles for progress, as is seen throughout American history with landowners only being able to vote, women’s rights, and African American rights.

Defining a Free Democracy

             Another paradox that exists within these paradoxes is that of a free democracy itself. Any form of government is a form of control. Whether that control is derived from single or multiple sources detracts from that fact that there is a degree of freedom is forfeited. In a democracy this power is derived from the common people, the populous. This causes difficulties among those who compose a margin of the population or any minority with fringe beliefs and philosophies.

Conclusion

            Overcoming these paradoxes will be the result of overcoming an inherent part of the human nature: fear, specifically the unknown. That includes all unfamiliarity extending to foreigners, homosexuality, or just change in general. While I would love to say these inequalities have all but disappeared with the advent of the mass media, internet, and other mediums of communication that break down the one sided walls of ignorance, the truth is they remain an enduring part of our culture.  Though America once related with the tired huddled masses in Emma Lazarus’s words on the statue of liberty, we have grown alien to these feelings and are less empathetic to those who need it most.

American Paradoxes

American paradoxes. There are many… throughout our readings we discussed everything from the racial inequalities within our free nation, to the fascination with the upper echelon while simultaneously praising the democratic virtues of the people. We discussed the altruistic nature of Americans, having the country with the most volunteers per capita, but simultaneously our selfishness and our inclination to hord our money from the government. The consumerism that fuels Christmas, yet overshadows the spiritual significance and mocks the puritanical notions of abstinence. These notions coincide with the larger issue of American self indulgence, something very contrary to the puritanical, spiritual roots of the founding fathers we read about in history. In the very same note we talk about the rugged individuality and self reliance that paved the way for our constitution. This stands out as a contradiction. In all our fierce creative individual pursuits, what we seek most is a unity of the masses. These masses drown our voice. ”Society- where you go when you lose you voice.” This paradox of conformity and individualism is pervasive. In the current culture car companies, manufacturers, and software engineers are striving to meet the popular demands of the people. What do these people seek? They seek the opportunity to customize themselves. To stand out. How do they do this? The same way everyone else does it! They buy the Toyota Scion model that advertises the individual, and customize it to their liking. They buy the IPhone and add the application that reflect the tastes of their interest.
Racism… it was mentioned in our book although I feel it’s a little less prevalent. The idea of racism in the past had a strong reflection on the slavery of African Americans and the continued biased towards them long after their freedom. Today the issue of racism is more concerned with national security than of color and genetic potential. While I would be inclined to say that racism has all but disappeared with the advent of the mass media, internet, and other mediums of communication that break down one sided the walls of ignorance, I do notice trends that illustrate an intolerance that persist as a result of fear. These modern examples of racism and national security that make headlines and nurture a stigmatism are immigration issues and terrorism. Racism is now about those that threaten our democracy. Mexicans that cross the border illegally to take jobs from tax paying citizens, or that contribute to the overall Mexican border drug trade. Denouncing small specific groups of people as terrorists has always been a way to promote xenophobia towards a greater population. Clear examples of this can be clearly seen after 9/11 when we immediately identified fear mongering and terror with middle eastern peoples
Funny thing is that American, and all its democratic sentiments, advertises itself as the haven for the tired huddled masses, as in Emma Lazarus’s words on the statue of liberty:
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, the tempest-tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door (Emma Lazarus).

>The paradox that exists in America lies in that while we hold our relativistic and tolerant values supreme, we are terribly protective and afraid of anybody watering this down and wavering from these values. Freedom is not free for all, it is reserved for a select few… maybe just those who’ve earned it…even though earning it may just mean being born into it.
What I find humorous and saddening is the American paradox of affluence. We have the best: GDP, productivity, business startups, long term unemployment, expenditure on education, university graduates, R&D expenditure, high tech exports, movies exported, breadth of stock ownership, volunteerism, charitable giving. American, paradoxically, has the worst poverty, economic inequality, carbon dioxide emissions, life expectancy, infant mortality, homicide, health care coverage, HIV infection, teen pregnancy, personal savings, voter participation, and obesity. These two lists show a major incongruity with we’d expect from our modern democracy.

Desiderata- Written by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

U

(150 characters or less; spaces included)

In addition to any work experience that you listed on your application, please tell us how you spent your most recent summer vacation.

Last summer I worked as an independent contractor with The Southwestern Company doing door-to-door sales of educational materials to families. Because I worked 13 hrs/day, 6 days/week, I had little free time other than the few hours I spent managing my business obligations and reading. On Sundays the sales team met together for six hours to discuss progress and exchange ideas. Occasionally we would indulge in fun at a local beach or water park to recharge our spirits.

****
Describe a trait or characteristic that has been passed along to you by your family. Tell us why you like or dislike this aspect of yourself.

I was a profoundly curious child. My father matched this zeal with equal curiosity. He routinely gave me the opportunity to learn something new because, it seemed, he had all the answers. But he never settled for quick responses. What was frustrating about our relationship was that he would not hand me an answer, but instead ask questions that caused me to explore my own understandings. I have adopted his habit of always asking questions and never settling for simple answers.

****
New York City is an essential element of academic and cultural life at NYU. If you could engage in an activity or start a club or service organization at NYU, what would it be and how would you envision it impacting the larger community?

Peers single handedly have the greatest influence on our development. In a world of endless information and distractions, the right direction is sometimes not obvious. Establishing a peer mentor program will allow successful students serve as model of leadership, encourage positive habits and provide guidance to their peers. The impact of such a program would be far reaching, as those being mentored would be able to clarify their convictions and in turn, be able to act as peer mentors for others.

****
You have been selected to sing in a talent show. What song would you choose? Why?

Ben Folds’ ‘The Ascent of Stan’ is an astonishing instrumental, lyrical and allegorical piece that guides the listener through the reflections of a man who has become the very thing he strove so hard to avoid. Once described as an idealist, hippy, revolutionary, he is now part of the society he ran from. This song has particular meaning because as I grow older I will grow wiser. Many insights will be gleaned that will refine my understanding, but I must never lose hold of my convictions.

****
Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

Leading people to achieve a vision is what moves me. While cultural differences have divided people in the past, there is one unifying element that has brought the world together today: business. There has been no stronger factor for unifying the world. My desire to succeed and contribute to this globalized world has led to my interest in international business.

CollTranEss

It can be argued that successful leaders have found a way to blend their career goals with their personal passions. Please describe a passion of yours and how Babson might play a part in helping you achieve your success.

I have a burning passion to seek excellence in all things. This keeps me intrinsically motivated and determined to accomplish my goals despite the many challenging external factors that arise. My willingness and openness to gain positive experiences allows me to learn and adapt quickly to new situations.
My resolve to become successful will never be undermined. While opportunities may come and go and people may pass me by, I will never stop pursuing my desire to succeed. My strong will and familiarity with overcoming tremendously discouraging situations in the past puts me at a unique advantage. I know where I’ve been and I know where I want to be. Nothing will prevent me from getting there. The people that work with me know that I put my best efforts and energies forth all the time.
Aside from how and why Babson College would serve me, I feel that I have a lot to offer the people around me. Sticking to my convictions and setting an example, I’ve made a commitment to being a leader in all things. A leader knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way. I’m passionate about knowing how to be successful, being successful, and most importantly, helping others achieve success. Knowing Babson College provides all the necessary tools and support to succeed, I’m confident that I’m able to bring all the motivation and discipline needed to effectively and efficiently use those tools and support to achieve success.
My career goals involve being a business owner of a management consulting company with an emphasis on providing startup companies with all the strategies they need to succeed. At Babson I will acquire a degree in entrepreneurship in order to acquire the broad range of skills and insights involved with building a business from the bottom up. This knowledge is not only crucial to the success of the companies I will be consulting but will be vital to the success of creating my own company.
By blending my desire to help others and my passion to succeed, Babson will be the place where I can incubate my potential. The competitive atmosphere of other like minded entrepreneurial individuals will drive me to develop myself and allow me to flesh out and clarify the vision for my future.

*****

If your educational journey has been nontraditional or if there has been a noticeable fluctuation in your academic performance, and you feel that the Admission Committee may benefit from knowing the circumstances, we encourage you to share this information if you have not already done so on the Common Application.

Before the age of eighteen I had moved twelve times and attended eleven schools in six different states from coast to coast. In high school I was in constant transition, moving from small schools of five hundred students to large schools of three thousand, from public schools to an all boys’ military boarding academy. As a result, I struggled to gain stability in my personal and academic life. My senior year my family moved to Florida where I began my third high school in Jupiter FL. The constant transition never allowed me to truly focus my passions, to excel in my academic potential, and to lay out a clear vision for my future. During senior year when many students were clear about their direction after high school, I was busy reestablishing my identity. Upon graduation I made the decision to take time to develop myself, gain independence, and really clarify what I wanted to spend my life pursuing.
After graduating I took on a job at The Cheesecake Factory working as a Server from the Summer 2005 to Spring 2006. In the Spring of 2006 I sought out a competitive opportunity to work at Admirals Cove, a platinum rated yacht & golf community country club. I worked at a number of their restaurants as a server until August of 2007 when I resigned to attend Landmark College.
While I was working I was busy discovering myself through reading and personal development. It was during this period I realized where my true passions lay: people and business. Specifically, leading and empowering people to transform visions into reality, whatever those visions may be. This revelation clarified the direction of my future and continues to act as a foundation for all my decisions.

Fast: Day 4

I woke up not too hungry today. I haven’t drank my lemon mix for 14 hours. 4 days without food.

I’m gonna help a friend pick up a washing machine right now.

The fast is going well. Yesterday was the hardest day by far… and it wasn’t even that bad. My energy levels are a bit low… but overall consistent throughout the day. I fall into deep sleeps when I do fall asleep. My cognitive abilities are a little duller tho I’m still able to think critically and participate effectively in class.

Its crazy how much time i have on my hands. Its weird not eating… not spending time preparing or actually eating. I do spend a good amount of time thinking about it tho. and the slightest mention of food causes me to salivate uncontrollably. ha. not too bad. as long as i’m not thinking about it i’m alright. I think today will be easier.

Holding back

The only reason we hold back is because we think we have an endless amount of chances or that there will always be one more. But as time disappears into the past and life goes on, those chances will run out, and you’ll either live with: Eternal happiness for being brave, or eternal regret for holding back

You cannot bring prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.
You cannot further brotherhood of men by inciting class hatred.
You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away man’s initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.”
— Rev. William J. H. Boetcker

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. -Thomas Jefferson.

When we spend our life focused on our needs, we are never satisfied, and our deepest needs never seem to be met. But when we pour out our life and focus on how we can serve others, we find not only incredible fulfillment, but our deepest needs are met as well. Learning to serve leads to the “happily ever after” finish you’ve always dreamed of.

Sin will take you further than you ever thought you’d go
Keep you longer than you ever thought you’d stay
And cost you more than you ever thought you’d pay

Sometimes, when God doesn’t give us what we want, we say that God didn’t answer our prayer. I would say that He did, because “no” is as much an answer to prayer as “yes” is.

The hardest thing in this life is being yourself when the world is trying its hardest, day in and day out, to make you just like everyone else.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are and your reputation is merely what others think you are!

why fast?

well… there are a variety of reasons… but primarily for the health/ wellness benefits…as well as the exercise of will power. I’ve never not eaten before so I consider it a personal challenge. Regarding the health benefits- considering my body has continually been ingesting chemicals nonstop as well as toxins the past 22 years, I think doing a cleanse is definitely called for.

Also– I’m not totally fasting. i’m doing the lemon cleanse (http://www.falconblanco.com/health/cleansing/lemoncleanse.htm)

I’ve read a variety of reasons to fast. one is health– when your body is deprived of calories it begins to conserve any energy it can by excreting anything that would hinder this… which includes flushing toxins as well as dead and sick cells. After about the third day your body enters ketosis, which is when it starts breaking down fat… which is where many toxins and toxic residue resides. I eat healthy and workout and don’t have too much fat on me. but during ketosis when fat is being broken down many of the toxins are excreted.umm…. theres more… hmm..
I hear that its spiritual as well… so much of our day, consciously and unconsciously, is spent thinking about food, getting or preparing it, and after the third day this hunger disappears and apparently a certain clarity comes over you. You feel rejuvenated, your energy levels stabilize. while your heart rate is lower and you feel a little more mellow, you don’t have the ups and downs. hm…. also the sheer fact of overcoming the first 1-3 days of not eating and willing yourself to overcome that obstacle is refreshing (after the third day hunger dissipates). its exercising a hidden and deep will.
I also read its good emotionally… hormonally your stablize… especially since toxins are flushed.
I’ve also read research and peer review studies that it increases your longevity. I’m sure there are other benefits I missed but this is just a few of my reasons.

Also- I think there are safe fasts and unsafe fasts. I researched a bunch from the plain water diet to the juice diet– and its important to do preparation before hand with your diet and health. The lemon cleanse is a happy medium that apparently effectively cleanses your system while providing you with the nutrients you need to function.

also- its not like a fast like this is by any means starving your body. A pound of fat provides 3,200 calories. The average american burns less than 2,000 a day. the great majority of people have at least 12% bf… or at least 10 pounds to spare.

Familial Traits.

Looking back on my childhood I remember spending time with my father as he worked around the house, ran errands, and traveled. I am told that my favorite two words as a child were “what’s that?”. Every time we were together I was given the unique opportunity to learn something new because, as it seemed, he had all the answers. He himself was a curious boy which caused him to never settle for a quick response. As a result, he was always digging up a deeper understanding. What was distinctly unique and frustrating about our relationship was that he never just told me an answer. He would ask questions in return that caused me think for myself, and implore my own understandings. It was never easy getting to the bottom of something with him. There were times where his questions would frustrate me to the point of anger. I just wanted to know! Looking back I value this relationship. I have adopted his inquisitive nature of always asking questions when I was given an answer.

Describe a trait or characteristic that has been passed along to you by your family. Tell us why you like or dislike this aspect of yourself.

Looking back on my childhood I remember spending time with my father as he worked around the house, ran errands, and traveled. I am told that my favorite two words as a child were “what’s that?”. Every time we were together I was given the unique opportunity to learn something new because, as it seemed, he had all the answers. He himself was a curious boy which caused him to never settle for a quick response so he was always digging up a deeper understanding. What was distinctly unique and frustrating about our relationship was that he never just told me an answer. He would ask questions in return that caused me think for myself, and implore my own understandings. It was never easy getting to the bottom of something with him. There were times where his questions would frustrate me to the point of anger. I just wanted to know! Looking back I value this relationship. I have adopted his inquisitive nature of always asking questions when I was given an answer.

Suppressed

I feel suppressed. How do I feel. Today I didn’t do much. laid around. watched movies. thought. no reading. read the news. the world is overwhelming. ate out with my best bro brand. blah. I need passion. I feel like meaning escapes me. I don’t believe in much anymore. thats the truth of it. My God seems to be in my head. my world is created by me. It seems so dull. So figured out. Is it so easy? or so hard? blah.

what messages am I sending the world. I feel like people are constantly sending messages. i feel like Im constantly judging. why do i second guess my thoughts. it drives me crazy. spring break has been lazy. not too much drunken debauchery. i would like to think more. think more about the important things. less about the mundane stuff. i need to think with purpose. read more. st patty’s day was rough.

pw well

So I did a tremendous amount of homework today.

My childhood friend Paul Winters died on his motorcycle on Saturday. He was 21 years old. It was unbelievably shocking. I’m still in shock. School has been hectic. Finally on top of things. Spring break starts on Friday afternoon. I’m leaving tomorrow night to attend pauls funeral. It’ll be unbelievably sad. He left behind two beautiful older sisters who thought he was the awesomest brother ever. And two amazing parents. I can’t imagine their pain. Just like that… their son is gone. Dead. Never again. Man. It leaves me with a sinking pit in my stomache. It makes me feel hallow. Like a painful vacuum that sucks my inhibitions. It makes me feel emotional. Just like that… gone.

So i’ll be in New Jersey till sunday… It’ll be nice to catch up with childhood friends. My father hates me goin back there. He wants me to be around successful people. Apparently he thinks that small town has got alot of nothin in it. Although a funeral isn’t the happiest occasion to see ones that are missed, its an appropriate and necessary excuse to visit.

Because I’m leaving tomorrow night… I rescheduled my mid-terms. I take three exams tomorrow. I have two papers due by friday. It will be madness. I just finished 90% of the work due tomorrow. I have calc II hw but thats no big deal. I love this math stuff.

I have been very…’good’ lately. I would use the word good because I’m maintaining a positive attitude, my feelings have been consistent, and my expectations reasonable. I feel like I float around everywhere I go, just doing my thing. People never disappoint me. I, however, have been finding that I disappoint myself when I don’t follow through with consistent action… aka discipline. Working out has been good. Grades are great. I need to apply to like… 5-8 more schools. I’m sorta apprehensive about that. I really wanna go somewhere great and excel. Wherever I go I will succeed, because I am committed to succeeding. Whatever that means. I never give up.

I do need to be more diligent with my day to day work. Get enthusiastic about it. I have been pulling myself away from the crowd recently. I prefer withdrawing to my cave..some call it a room… or the library. I just want to eliminate distractions. Eliminate any dissonance around me that would interfere with my desires, priorities and intentions.

Words are special. It astounds me that understanding the full meaning of a word can change your perceptions. Our understanding of this world is because of words. we discover it through words and their relationships with other words. What I was saying is that in order to communicate, you must use words that the other person full understands in regards to your message. I feel its mystifying when I feel like what I’m saying is so clear and precise, yet people don’t, or just can’t comprehend its significance or magnitude.

I have much more to say but I need to finish up calcII before I sleep in preparation for a full day of exams followed by a five hour drive to NYC. woot!

Transfer Schools

Still in the process of filling out transfer applications…

*Vanderbilt University
*University of Virginia
*Tulane University
*American University
*Fordham University
Babson College
Bentley University
Bryant University
Emory University
New York University

**Florida State University
**University of Central Florida
**Wake Forest University
**Cornell University
**Columbia School of General Studies
**Dartmouth College

* Applied
** Thinking of applying

Solace

I want to hibernate. I forget what its like to critically think. gr. The past couple semesters I’ve completely forgot how to think. School is so damn stifling. Its not flexible. It tries to be. I need to get creative with how I approach this whole academic thing. I haven’t been exerting as much effort as I’d like to. I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want people around me. They cause me to lose sight of whats important. I want solitude. I want no web 2.0 bullshit. I don’t want distractions. I want to be left alone with my curiosity. I want to be fascinated and challenged again. The only things that make me happy at the moment are calculus II and my advanced composition class. everything else is a chore. Spanish, cognitive psychology (and those damn mindless labs), and statistics are utterly numbing.

I like trance/trip-hop. Its so dreamy: 009 Sound System- Dreamscape.

Free write about gender codes

Writing about my response to the normative gender codes as a high school student requires me to think about how I was raised, the expectations within my family, and the influences that shaped these perceptions as I moved across the country, living in 6 states by 9th grade and attending 9 schools.
I grew up in a family characterized by a strong emphasis on a structure that gained its strength from Christian and military values. My parents were high school sweethearts from a very small suburban town where community was as important part of childhood development. My father was a disciplined self made man who attended the United States Naval Academy and received a degree in Aerospace engineering. After his serving in the military he took on a self proclaimed role as an entrepreneur and started several successful companies.
My parents raised me with a heavy emphasis on the bible and the values it preached. These conveniently coincided with the discipline that characterized the military. These often clashed with the cultural norms in public schools I attended. Because I attended so many schools and moved so often, I rooted myself in the values that my parents actively tried instilling in me. In order to fit in and operate in new environments however, I was forced to mold myself to the cultural norms that I was in. I was never able to give myself steadfast generic identity that I was able to share with a larger group of people.
My mother, coming from humble beginnings, raised me to be extremely aware of how I presented myself to others and how I was accepted. This caused me to place a disproportionate emphasis on conforming, however superficially, to the accepted norms.
While I was just like any other adolescent developing through his teen years, I was an atypical student in the sense of the barriers and obstacles I had to overcome in spite of fitting in. I had lost some friends to suicide in middle school and early high school, so as a result my focus was coping with personal guilt by placing heavy emphasis on finding intimate meaningful friendships. Whether I was trying to replace the friends I lost and re-instill feelings of legitimacy as an individual is debatable, but I did experience an identity crisis that brought me to try on many subcultures and change friends rapidly.
Going back to the normative gender roles—While I was submersed in friends who were living out cultural gender norms, and while this no doubt had an impact on my behavior with them, I always retained a degree of conviction towards the values that I was raised on. These values of the males role included adventure, security, self sustenance, power, competition, service, success, winning, being a gentlemen, being patriotic for ones country, and treating women not as objects of sexual desire, but as holy temples that were consecrated by God to serve and support men in a mutually respectful relationship that revolved around the development of their whole persons. Women were always to be treated with the utmost respect. Etiquette was at a premium when interacting with them.
This contradicted the message my peers were sending me about women as purely objects of sexual gratification. Because of my ability to adapt socially on a whim, I was able to fulfill any of the peer expectations I found myself against. In high school I felt like I needed to have sex in order to legitimize myself as a man. I felt guilty but found myself experimenting with relationships with this end in mind. This caused immense dissonance as the conflicting expectations I was trying to fulfill. On one hand I was to treat women as someone’s sister, daughter , or future wife. On the other, they were purely used for sexual gratification with little regard to their feelings, which were seen as insignificant. After this unfulfilling stint in which I felt horrible for hurting girls I began to look for relationships that would repair the guilt I was feeling. I had no desire for sex so as a result I was friends with many girls. This was seen as feminine. I was often teased for being gay for not having the desire to sleep with all the girls that I had built relationships with.
Regarding physicality—I was raised to be physical superior. My father was an athlete and from a young age was taught the importance of being the best at everything I did psychically. My father was very hard on me in these points. I remember feeling like a very bad son for not out performing my peers. When I wanted to be a kid, I was expected to be an achiever.
As I grew, my peers caught on to this physical superior mentality. I was often picked on for various reasons by the older kids. In hindsight I see that they were threatened by my success in sports and ability to adapt to friends. My father resolved this by helping me beef up. I wanted to be respected like the big kids. I wanted to be muscular and dominant so that when I walked into a room everyone knew that I was the alpha male. I began lifting in the seventh grade and gained immediate respect from the males, although I still struggled with the much older kids because the years of development I was trying to make up for my lifting in order to match of supersede them.

More to write but I’ll save it for later.