Failure Does Not Mean I’m A Failure

Failure Does Not Mean I’m A Failure

Failure does not mean I’m a failure;
It does mean I have not yet succeeded.

Failure does not mean I have accomplished nothing;
It does mean I have learned something.

Failure does not mean I have been a fool;
It does mean I had enough faith to experiment.

Failure does not mean I have disgraced;
It does mean I have dared to try.

Failure does not mean I don’t have it;
It does mean I have something to do in a different way.

Failure does not mean I am inferior;
It does mean I am not perfect.

Failure does not mean I have wasted my life;
It does mean that I have an excuse to start over.

Failure does not mean that I should give up;
It does mean that I should try harder.

Failure does not mean that I will never make it;
It does mean that I need more practice.

Failure does not mean that You have abandoned me;
It does mean that You must have a better idea.

-Unknown

Watching itself

‘An intellectual is a person whose mind watches itself’. -Albert Camus

I suppose my goal in life is to be as objective as possible. To examine and weigh in on every volitional and nonvolitional act or thought. To totally observe.

When a man asked why I was studying economics and philosophy, I told him off hand that I suppose I was trying make some sense of this world and all its happenings. He appeared thoughtful and said, “May I suggest that instead of trying to make sense of it, we observe it and learn as much as we can from what we see.” (more or less)

I don’t know why, but this was pretty damn profound. At that moment I was like, ah-ha. All we can really do is observe anyway. No sense can be found. There is no sense to it all. Thats a fastidious, if not impossible, undertaking. But to observe… ahh… now theres something.

My knowledge will help me be a better observer.

Relating back to that quote. I’m not going to make sense of this world, this life or myself. I will simply observe. I will watch it with ardent curiosity. I will no doubt learn the patterns and cycles and trends that inevitably come around. I will be wiser for it. I will observe the timeless.

Random musings.

Just some random thoughts.

I decided, not too sure when, that I am trying to advertise less, and do more. What I mean is this: Talk less, do more.

I noticed on facebook and twitter and myspace and all that social media, that people have an opportunity to selectively portray a certain person to the world. Typically a person that they feel most accurately portrays the real them. But, honestly, how accurate can that be? Our perceptions about ourselves are clearly biased and subjective. So over the years I’ve been trying to advertise less and less of myself. I won’t lie, this is difficult at times. Its so easy to throw information about our ideal self out there for others to digest with hunger. So I decided I wont. I guess this little online journal is where most of that stuff comes out but I’ve convinced myself that no one really reads this stuff- save a few livejournal friends with a curiosity others (much like my own)- so it doesn’t matter what I put.

I’ll admit though- this livejournal stuff is very therapeutic. I noticed that I sometimes catch myself censoring some entries. I do my best to make myself bad for this. If you can’t be honest with livejournal, how can you be honest with yourself?

But then again… I often tell myself lots of fanciful things so that I will come to believe them and eventually act on them. This is my thoughts, my real journal, or this online journal. I do this because I know that who I realistically think I am is not who I ever want to be. I have an ideal plateau of cognizance that I strive for. A person who lives through his deisres and goals.

O! New thought. Bye.

Big Smile.

Today was a great day.

I rose early this morning for a dental appointment. I gotta say, it was the best dental visit I’ve ever had, or ever could imagine having, in my life.

I walk into the office and was greeted by two vibrant ethnic receptionists with the most spell bounding smiles. They literally infused me with their joy. I sheepishly smiled back, and explained that I had an appointment for 1030 with my two sisters and that I was a few minutes early. They told me they were expecting me and to have a seat- but boy, I really felt like they were expecting me, like they were glad to see me. It made me feel good!

So I sat in the room and examined its contents. A beautiful painting stretched across the adjacent wall. It was obviously French… and my first thoughts were Monet or Van Gough or something. It had that vibrant color. It was an outdoor scene at a dark with ladies and gentlemen drinking spirits on cobblestone pavers under broad trees in a park. It was beautiful. But that was just to start. They had elaborate crown molding, and walls that were covered in a classy textured paint that looked sun bleached. It was brownish.. or goldish.. or yellowish. It was pretty. The furniture looked like it should’ve been in one of the newport mansions. Plush love seats, chairs that looked like throwns, and a tables that were stained solid mahogany with elaborate finishings on the legs. To top it off… I realized that my heart was swaying to the magnificent music I was hearing… Handel! The baroque melodies melted me away as I sunk into the chair. Truly amazing dental experience. Did I mention that everyone was beautiful?

Then there was the hygienist… probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. I think she was native South African. Beautiful. So nice. Constantly asking me how I was, smiling, giving me detailed accounts of what I was going to expect… xrays, an examination and such. So nice. The Doctor, or dentist, was even nicer. He spoke slowly, articulating every word as he looked me in the eye. He chose his words very carefully as to convey a clear, relatable message, uniquely for me… or it felt that way anyway. All I remember was him saying something along the lines of “My job is to give you knowledge about yourself. You can then take this knowledge where ever you go with confidence. You can use this knowledge to make decisions that are best for you.” He said “I can only give you this knowledge. You have known yourself alot longer than me, so I am not in a place to tell you how to use it.” My God. Probably the most empowering words I’ve heard from anyone in a long time… Let alone my DENTIST! HA! I was blown away. Knowledge about my teeth! Who could’ve known that I felt so empowered upon acquiring that knowledge.. about my teeth. Anyway.

I had a single cavity 😦 Considering I haven’t been to the dentist in five years.

I did notice that there were books all about these dental rooms.. positive literature. I read a quote like this “A positive attitude makes for a positive life.” How true. I wanna go to the dentist every day to get those vibes. I want to grow to be a person who can instill that kind of comfort in another person.

8:30 am

This is the earliest I’ve woke in a long while.

I find that the earlier I go to bed, the earlier I rise, and the more energy I have earlier on in the day. When I sleep in, I’m groggy until dusk, then my energy levels pick up… and I stay up late, and the cycle continues.

Yesterday I was pretty productive. Made a dental appointment, faxed my health records to the school, went to the gym (it was amazing!), started to put together my model airplane, read a little, went on an enjoyable bike ride across town… and… thats about it.

Florida is so beautiful. People that don’t live here might be able to disagree… but they’re jaded. They live other places… they can’t truly enjoy the utter beauty of brilliant blue skies, with blazing setting sunsets that light the atmosphere on fire, changing it to deep reds, hot pinks, and blazing oranges. The evenings here are amazing. Perfect temperature too. A slight breeze makes it dreamy.

Anyway- I leave for school in about a week and a half. I need to organize all my belongings and figure out what I’ll need to bring to school. This part is a pain. Its all crammed in boxes.. and I know full and well that I’ll never use half the stuff in those boxes… its just accumulated over time.

We have no food in the house. I need to go grocery shopping.

Eating the Fruit.

I’m in a contemplative mood tonight. I just saw the movie ‘500 days of summer’.. I highly recommend it. It has a rare quality to its story. It doesn’t seem to be sugar coated. It picks you up… but doesn’t leave you up there… nor does it slam you down abruptly. It lets you float down again and grounds you. Wonderful movie.

Life. I must’ve said that word out loud tonight a dozen times. I think about it all the time. Expectations and reality. I was thinking… I like when my expectations are unrealistic from everyone else’s standpoint. and who knows maybe they’re not. But.. as I go through life.. I like the ambitions that require major action.. major investment. I noticed that the vast majority of these ambitions don’t necessarily come to fruition… but I’m always a lot farther ahead that where I would’ve been without them. So I shall keep these lofty goals… these dreams that seem just out of reach.

Life.

I walked around my neighborhood tonight. It was beautiful. Full, glowing moon. It penetrated the clouds as they silently drifted across the sky. There was a stillness to the air. I talked to my friend Brandon tonight. He was frustrated with himself… he got a B+ in a class. He said that the grade didn’t reflect his effort or his knowledge of the subject. It was the last thing I wanted to talk about really.. how upset with himself he is. My mood was so transparent and tranquil. My attitude was looking up. His grade, that class, is behind him. Every undertaking should be done with maximum effort to ensure that we perform even greater for the next. Looking backward while trying to move forward is difficult. He was, however, the only person that was open to catching up.. about nothing.

Life.

I walked around tonight.. on the sidewalks, the grass.. I walked, balancing my steps between the yellow lines in the road.

I feel very calm at the moment.

Here is an amazing poem that keeps my head up:

“I do not choose to be a common man. It is my right to be uncommon—if I can. I seek opportunity—not security. I do not wish to be a kept citizen, humbled and dulled by having the state look after me. I want to take the calculated risk; to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed. I refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence; the thrill of fulfillment to the stale calm of utopia. I will not trade freedom for beneficence nor my dignity for a handout. I will never cower before any master nor bend to any threat. It is my heritage to stand erect, proud and unafraid; to think and act for myself, enjoy the benefit of my creations, and to face the world boldly and say, this I have done. All this is what it means to be an American.” Dean Alfange

That movie, 500 days of summer, made me think. It was cute. I like romantic movies. Movies about the dynamics of relationships.

I looked at myself in the mirror tonight.. with a long stare, trying to see myself as the person I am, not as I perceive myself to be. It was…

I was thinking tonight. Very much. I look forward to those times in life where you wake up, and life has a new light to it. Opportunities abound, possibilities stretch far and wide. The world at my fingertips. I love those times. Where everything has yet to cast a shadow. The world is a blank canvas… and slowly, line by line, choice by choice, it takes form. My decisions shape a lifestyle I grow to love, or hate. These opportunities, for most, seem rare. I work for them.
You know those times I speak of. Getting up in the morning is effortless. Showering and getting ready for the day is a breeze… your thoughts are elsewhere… in the realm of possibility. Its a joyous unspoken passion. You see things in their ideal state. Relationships, or making them, seems to be the easiest thing in the world. Its like finding companions for the journey. Maybe its a new job, starting at a new school, or your first day of school.. or getting involved with a new sport, or club, or organization. A new purpose. The purpose of ones life is pursuing ones purpose.

I have had these opportunities more times than I can count. These are the times where you can reinvent yourself. You can choose your friends based on your new direction, not fall back on them out of convenience. You are forced to expand yourself to new ideas. Moving 13 times… attending six elementary schools, two middle schools, three high schools, and now two colleges… has given me far more of these opportunities than many people ever have. Am I fortunate? Reinvention. If I wanted to be pessimistic I could say that I’ve felt like a chameleon all these years… all this reinvention was really adaptation.. but I really don’t see it like that. Every new direction, every opportunity you have to change course, you are given the freedom to change yourself, to build on your existing character. You remove more of the chaff. Thats the goal anyway. Right?

Life.

Acceptance is a large part of life. Actually, next to change, it seems to be everything. Change happens, continually… you never step into the same river twice. Accepting that change, and seeing things as they currently are, being willing to change your conceptions, is one of the greatest dilemmas I have. It causes me to lose a brief sense of security. But thats a risk we must learn to take I suppose. If we never went out on a limb, how would we ever eat the fruit?

I have many thoughts right now. Many many. Tomorrow… I will drive to Ft Myers to drop my cousins off… and meet my grandfathers new wife. I think it will be a surprise for him 🙂 He’s resentful that I don’t visit more often. I don’t blame him. Long complicated family drama really. As I get older I see the facets of relationships and see how their roots intertwine. Face value is never too revealing.

Love Love Love. And Happiness. Isn’t that what we all want? or maybe more happiness and then there’s love.

Why do I rob myself the joy of waking up every day like its my first day alive? I want to walk around my days like its the first day of my life… like there is something to learn behind every smile, around every turn, under every rock, twig or blade of grass.

I just read this: ‘Speak with substance to the life you know; not those which you admire.’ I speaks to me.

I’ll sleep.. think more tomorrow.

🙂

I realized I wasn’t done yet.

So I realized… I could ramble some more.

School starts soon. I hope my brain hasn’t rusted out this summer. I meant to study the LSAT. GOD. I am fed up with my lame excuses. Where is my passion? Where is my fire?? Why do I think I have any TIME? I DONT! Every moment that passes is a moment I will be judged on. I will be judged on my collective moments and I need them to work in my favor if I’m gonna achieve my goals.

What will help me out here? What do I wanna do tomorrow?

1 Alright.. read 50 pages on any book.. or any combination of 3… since I have three started.

2 Go to the beach.

… I use to have such better goal setting skills. Think!

3 Play guitar… 30 min. Time myself. No monkey business.

4…Make food… and sit at the table and eat it.

5. limit computer use to 2 hours.. GOD. I feel like thats dangerous. Maybe… 10 minutes? I can check my updates 10 times tomorrow that way. How stupid. NO COMPUTER TOMORROW!

6 RUN! I don’t care how far damnit. Get the shoes on and run somewhere. I won’t let myself stop once I get goin.

Anyway. That was boring.

I feel like I’ve thought it all… seen it all.. .and want nothing to do with it. I feel like all if for naught. At the time being anyway. I know I can reprogram myself.

BTW. In case you didn’t know.. people are overly sophisticated computers. That is all. I feel so cold when I say that. But… I believe… we are programmed by our environment, our upbringing, our parents, our every influence. We choose how these will affect us, mind you, but we are simply a collection of behaviors we’ve programmed ourselves to have. Habits. Call them whatever you want. Modes of thinking. I feel like my hard drive is going bad. I’ve reprogrammed myself to be so many people, think so many things, and not just think.. really believe and live out fully… that I am worn out. Now… I know thats bullshit… but it feels good to say it. Am I losing my mind?

I am delirious with fatigue. Rambling is therapeutic. I’ll do this again tomorrow.
In the meantime.. I will work on being more creative and exercising my will power. Will power is a big one.

alrighty.

I’m just gonna type… because damnit… I’ve been thinking too much. And not saying anything about it. This will be my therapy.

So Michael… This is your summer… is this what you thought it to be? Nope. I pretty much planned on reading a billion books… getting in wicked good shape… andd learning a bunch of things. And maybe write a helluva lot more. Like… start a damn book. Have I done any of that? Nope.

GOD. I’m gonna stop living in denial. Right now. The foot comes down. I haven’t done SHIT with my summer. I know why too! Well… I can hypothesize. We’ll see if this makes sense… Ok.. so like… I had a great two years. All in all… average up all my days.. and its been great. I got into my school… had a great attitude… achieved goals. Wonderful. Now. Its summer. I’m in transition. I have no REAL obstacles in my way. Just… TIME. That one.

So here I am… until recently, my sisters were outta the house, doin school or working for their summer camps, mamma dukes was workin at the salon, and pops was workin at his lil company. And there I was… all by myself.

I had lofty goals… get on a schedule and all that… but it didn’t seem to hold up after two weeks. And Reading… boy… i read like 10 hours a day every day for two weeks… then.. poof. I was like… the computer brings me more immediate joy. and books went on the shelf.

So I download all kinds of crap.. movies, ebooks, games etc. and I waste away. I literally… sit in my room and browse the internet for cool news.. breakthroughs etc.,

My daily highlight is walking my dog. I get sooo excited to do chores! Its ridiculous really.

Is there something wrong with me? wrong question.

Gosh. I just need to release all this junk in my head.

Friends….FRIENDS.

I have suddenly… for the very FIRST time in my life… ceased to care about friends. I use to be a friend collector.. try to get as many as possible. Not for selfish aims… but because I loved bringing joy to other people. I thought it was my responsibility to do just that. But nowadays… i feel like people are deadweights. They either aren’t doing amazing things with their life… or… they have luggage. This is a gross generalization I know. I’m such a terd. blah.

I need stimulation. I wanna make a bet with myself that I can wakeup at 1030am… get up.. take a shower. and go to the beach… before I can talk myself out of it. I REALLY wanna do this. STIMULATION. And i’ll bring my books. Atlas shrugged. My dad wants me to write an essay.. win 10 grand. Not a bad deal. I love the book.. may be easy money… but then again I’ve never written an essay on a 1200 page novel outlining a philosophy like objectivism before. It can be done.

Whew. So my friends call… and I watch the phone ring… and tell myself I’ll call them back. Days later… I tell myself its too late. I’m really not interested in maintaining a social life at the moment. I’m looking forward to getting back to academia.

So my fahter… he’s building a crazy hydroponics garden in our back yard.. He goes to a hydroponic shop to pick up fertilizer on a pretty regular basis. He recently brought me… and as we were walking into the store… some things occurred to him for the first time. He glanced at the CASH ONLY sign… then looked at the cashier… his squinty little eyes. We walked towards the back of the store… I pretended to browse… I was actually overhearing a conversation between the store owner and a customer about how amazing his plants are gonna bud with this new fertilizer. My fathers face warms over with an enlightened expression… he leans over to me and says… “I just realized something. This place caters to drug dealers.” I loled.
Well… its next to a strip club. They have an ATM machine in their store to support the cash only business… and every single person that walks through that door looks like an american gangster. My father, mind you, is a military man… Annapolis graduate… polos and boat shoes. We stuck out. It hasn’t stopped my father from growing his hydroponic tomatoes. Which are… amazing!

gosh. It feels good to ramble.

uncommon. if you can.

Average people do average things. Uncommon people to uncommon things. Successful people do the things unsuccessful people are unwilling to do.

I was walking around Disney with the family, and I noticed how drab and average everyone was. I thought to myself, ‘So this is what average looks like. This is how they spend their time.’ Then the horrific reality hit me… I could be one of them. Mindlessly indulging in an average past time. I looked at myself through their eyes. It scared me. ‘But I’m not one of them,’ I pleaded with myself, ‘my experiences have taught me much differently then them. I have a much different style of thinking. My past is anything but average.’ But there I was, side by side with the average American, indulging in an average American past time

So I might not be average if I go to a bar with friends, or go to disney, or travel to vegas for the weekend for celebrations, or go to college, etc. But if my choices continue to bring me to the popular ideas or destinations of the masses, I need to seriously reevaluate my yearning to be an uncommon man who makes uncommon decisions.

The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. ~Colin Wilson

thoughts

It doesn’t matter how well you relate if you don’t have the credentials to back it up. This is a good and bad thing. Unfortunately, when people who genuinely have the experiences that enable them to relate and relay knowledge, and offer advice and perspective, their words are weightless. The paper, the accreditation by the colleges and universities certifies that this person has gone through the motions. It doesn’t mean they are smart, that they necessarily understand the content they learned, or ever formed a context to which they can be an effective messenger of knowledge to society. It means they went through the motions that a society deems as appropriately suitable for someone specializing in an area of thought. So I go through the motions, and continually frame the content of my experiences in a way that would allow for opportunities to grow in the future. If the paper is what I need, I will not be a rebel. I will get it. I will get as many papers, degrees, certifications as possible. But the hallmark of understanding is production. What will I be producing in the meantime that would highlight and emphasize the depth and breadth of my understanding?

I want to write a book. I just don’t know the plot yet. Is this a problem? not really. Every time I journal I see a book materializing before my eyes. These are cliff notes documenting the progressive nature of human development.

My Creed.

I strive to be as genuine as possible; to do right in the midst of adversity; to be a gentlemen and a leader; to expect success and embrace responsibility; to keep an eternal perspective on the good things unseen, and be wary of being caught up in tangible, short lived things of this world; to have an eye for beauty and goodness; a heart for people.

~~~

I posted this a long while ago. Its important to reference regularly. My Creed. I’m sure I can clean it up but, as it is, it pretty much summarizes the content of character I wish to attain.

****

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.-B. Franklin

I love this. It strikes me deep with conviction.

templative.

Life’s most puzzling challenge is learning how to use the most of my time. The pursuit of unraveling moments in time. Personal growth, the acquisition of knowledge, foraging new experiences, and retrieving memories. They all serve to aid in expounding the most out of life’s moments, to achieve a timeless consciousness that exists in a finite space in time. The more of these ideals we consume and integrate into our current state, the more we can unravel in time, the more facets we can allow life to shine more fully.

‘What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think.’ -Emerson

If I can immortalize that statement into my psyche, I will grow to greater heights than I could ever currently imagine. When we attempt to customize our beliefs around other peoples conceptions, we denounce faith in our ability to rationalize the world for ourselves. When this happens imagination is extinguished. We are left expending our energies on justifying others ideals and opinions and never fully explore the validity of our own experiences.

I will not say that understanding others point of view isn’t incredibly important. It serves as a practice of reinforcing a perspective when ours are falling short. Other men’s ideas should never serve as a substitute for our own however.

‘Meek young men grow up in libraries, believing it their duty to accept the views which Cicero, which Locke, which Bacon, have given, forgetful that Cicero, Locke, and Bacon were only young men in libraries, when they wrote these books.’
R.W. Emerson (from the essay American Scholar)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best. ~ Epictetus

Vaca.

Wow. I’ve been bussyyy. I have soo much to catch up on. So i remember next time I jump on here… I need to write about: Brandon’s shit show 21st..Vegas extravaganza… & the week with family in Orlando. I am STILL reading atlas shrugged… a little less than halfway through it… i know I know… its been more than two months… but, as much as I’m in love with the book and its philosophy, it hasn’t been my priority. I’ll try to read as much as possible the next few weeks before school.. then no leisurely reading. So anyway. Love atlass shrugged. I hand journaled quite a bit the past few weeks… so I’ll reference as I dictate my experiences to LJ. Talk soon.

Same old story.

“The budget should be balanced, the treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.”
– Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.

Blah, blah. Talk less, do more.

Life is good. Just read an interesting article.

I spent that past 5 days in Jersey for fourth of July celebrations and old friend reunions. I saw a lot of family members.

The older I get the more I appreciate old people. Not that I didn’t always enjoy talking to old people, but now I feel that their perspective is more valuable than ever. Those seventy and eighty year old couples were my age once, wrestling the same challenges, vices, and emotions. I talked to my grandparents on the way home from visiting my uncles newly acquired property. He remarried. He’s happier than ever. I guess he divorced my aunt five years ago. Back then i thought it was a travesty, to leave your wife, break that commitment to your word and your children, all for another woman. Now, I see things differently. I’m not sure if I feel sad about it or not, but I feel it was the best thing he ever did. They just married, and have been together for only five years, but he’s happier than I’ve ever seen him. It seems everyone is. My grandparents especially. As a couple, my uncle and new aunt are so incredibly compatible and in love its awesome. We shall see in five years. This is where patience and time will offer up experience and wisdom in a few years time. I will learn from his little experience.

BTW- I love the song ‘Each coming night’ by Iron and Wine.

I use to be a big talker. I did a lot, but i thought my words somehow legitimized my actions. This isn’t the case. Sooner or later I started relying more on my words and less on my actions, and things started falling apart all around me- namely my reality. If we don’t act on what we think and know and believe is true- how true is it? Then we get confused and things don’t make sense. Words are used to describe reality, and when we misrepresent our character with our words, we lose sense of who we are and start struggling against an incongruent reality.

Talk less, Do more. I want my silence to convey a sense of depth, boundless and endless.

One thing I learned about doing… when you do, make sure you do well, with all your heart and soul and mind. Most importantly, I’ve found that it’s important for people watching you work hard. By watching your actions, come to respect you in ways you would have trouble rectifying with words.

Philosophy is nice, stories are nice, dreams are nice… but all are useless unless they are demonstrated to have some value. Through my actions, I want my life to illustrate that value.

The rain is blowing gently on the window panes, coming in rhythmic waves.

This has been a soothing entry.

Practice Reminiscing.

Writing about yourself is always a narcissistic undertaking. I want to shy away from it simply to avoid exposing this narcissism. The motivation to write is simply to share a story, to connect you with your fellow man. I felt very much alone in this world growing up. There are many reasons that could explain it, but as I grew older I realized that just about everyone felt alone in this world, and everyone coped differently.

My life is not unusual. I lived a good life. I am not sure that anyone’s life is considered typical. I am not sure where to even start, so I will start with the earliest memories.

My earliest memories involve sun bleached fields. California 1986. My father was in the military. My mother had escaped her past life in jersey to wed him and move across the country to California where he was stationed. He was an Annapolis graduate. Hard worker, goal oriented, always wanting to rise above the way he saw himself.

So, there they were, in their early twenties, in love and making children. I remember watching home videos of my mother when I was a child. My father was off at sea for six months out of the year. Her children were her saving grace. She was alone, on a naval base, drawing her only source of comfort from the babies she produced. My two sisters were born a few years later. I was one of those children that never developed his inhibitions. Throughout my life I was always wandering away from my family. They lost me wherever they went: county fairs, Wal-Mart, parks, and our neighborhood.

Life has always been an adventure. More than that, life has been a pursuit of meaning. Adventures seemed to be the best way of capturing the meaning, especially in my youth.
A stream of memories quenches my reminiscing as I think about my earliest adventures.

After California my parents moved to Fairfax, Virginia. My memories there include being held down by my parents and force fed a syringe full of cough medicine, watching squirrels bury little treasures in the earth, and learning how spaghetti-o’s are made. These years contained the queerest discoveries. I faintly remember gray skies and a small park with untrimmed lawns containing long soft grasses. There with my mother, I remember plucking the grasses from the earth. She let me in on a little secret. Speghetti-o’s are actually made from grass. She made a deal with me that she would make me these spaghetti-o’s if I collected these grasses. I was exuberant with delight. I remember scavenging the whole field for these little tufts of grass. I returned with a bushel under my arm and handed them over to my mother. She instructed that they needed to be cooked and they would be ready soon and to go outside. I ventured outside for additional playtime. On this day I remember pulling the plastic sheathing of my neighbors newspapers and attaching them to the handlebars of my bike. This way, when I accelerated, they inflated to awesome orange cylinders that flopped in the wind as I rode. Hearing her call from the balcony I ran up to the kitchen. It was just turning fall so there was a bite to the air. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I removed my neon windbreaker and, to my amazement, she had turned the green grass into spaghetti o’s.

Isocrates in Antidosis: Rhetoric

We ought… to think of the art of discourse just as we think of the other arts, and not to form opposite judgments about similar things, nor show ourselves intolerant toward that power which, of all the faculties which belong to the nature of man, is the source of most of our blessings. For in the other powers which we possess, … we are in no respect superior to other living creatures; nay, we are inferior to many in swiftness and in strength and in other resources; but, because there has been implanted in us the power to persuade each other and to make clear to each other whatever we desire, not only have we escaped the life of wild beasts, but we have come together and founded cities and made laws and invented arts; and generally speaking, there is no institution devised by man which the power of speech has not helped us to establish. For this it is which has laid down laws concerning things just and unjust, and things honorable and base; and if it were not for these ordinances we should not be able to live with one another. It is by this also that we confute the bad and extol the good. Through this we educate the ignorant and appraise the wise; for the power to speak well is taken as the surest index of a sound understanding, and discourse which is true and lawful and just is the outward image of a good and faithful soul.

– Isocrates in Antidosis

Isocrates in Antidosis

We ought… to think of the art of discourse just as we think of the other arts, and not to form opposite judgments about similar things, nor show ourselves intolerant toward that power which, of all the faculties which belong to the nature of man, is the source of most of our blessings. For in the other powers which we possess, … we are in no respect superior to other living creatures; nay, we are inferior to many in swiftness and in strength and in other resources; but, because there has been implanted in us the power to persuade each other and to make clear to each other whatever we desire, not only have we escaped the life of wild beasts, but we have come together and founded cities and made laws and invented arts; and generally speaking, there is no institution devised by man which the power of speech has not helped us to establish. For this it is which has laid down laws concerning things just and unjust, and things honorable and base; and if it were not for these ordinances we should not be able to live with one another. It is by this also that we confute the bad and extol the good. Through this we educate the ignorant and appraise the wise; for the power to speak well is taken as the surest index of a sound understanding, and discourse which is true and lawful and just is the outward image of a good and faithful soul.

– Isocrates in Antidosis

Free. End.

So summers here… I left my other internship with the idea in mind that I could pick up another job effortlessly, whatever job it may be, and actually have a summer where I could allocate time for myself. So far, I haven’t gotten a job. I have spent alot of time with myself. I have been reading ungodly amounts. I started Atlas Shrugged. Bout 25% through… its around 1100 pages. got some work to do. Also reading Logic Made Easy… in order to prepare my mind for the LSAT.

Is it weird that all I wanna be is be by myself.. and read and be by myself. friends mean little to me now. i love my close friends… but the ones around here.. eh. I am going out tonight… I should be a bit more excited.. I could care less really. If I go out I wanna get drunk. I just wanna be by myself. Read. Sit around. This is so WEIRD. never before in my life have I had such an apathy for my fellow man. Maybe i’ve reached a new plateau of egoism and self centeredness. I am totally focused on me at the moment. Not sure if thats a good thing or not.

Ayn Rand is somethin else.

Also.. am I happy? wtf. there are two ways I gain satisfaction from life. Achieving goals and socializing. At the moment I’m passing time. Not REALLY achieving anything. I’m making headway.. time and patience is more valuable now more than ever. But really? I’m not gonna lie to myself. I’m not working… other than reading and studying a few hours daily. As far as socializing goes? I haven’t let myself do any of that. none at all. I mean.. here and there.. but realistically not to much. I would like to let myself let go a bit tonight.

when I say let go.. I mean not give a flyin fuck. Think about NOTHING. and EVERYTHING simultaneously. Let my subconscious do the work. enjoy the moment. thats all I need to do.

jumble fresh.

I have little faith in man. Man as a whole is delusional. I as much as the next. The chances of finding another man with the same delusions as mine are one in a million. perhaps thats what good leaders are. People who can infect and empower others with their delusions.

Christianity. I use to be so convinced these people were real. Currently i hold that its just a general belief system, like any belief system, that people feel compelled to adopt when they struggle with life, or begin doubting their ability to rationally deal. I believe its a good thing. It gives people, people otherwise lost, a place to start grounding themselves. This whole revolution with miracles, prophecies, and what not… hogwash in my opinion. Not quantitative whatsoever. its all confirmation bias. They find whatever they look for to support their original claim.

anyway… sometimes I hesitate to convince myself of one matter or anther simply because I am aware that context changes and that conviction may lead me astray in other contexts. As i grow older I learn the virtue of silence. I am much more observant nowadays. I absorb my surroundings. I am not quick to interject my ‘opinions’ or what my ‘experiences’ have taught me. Instead i am more apt to listen. This allows me to really synthesize what people are saying with my own thoughts instead of tainting thier’s with my own, possibly skewed, interpretation.

I would like to write more often. I must write a book. What’s stopping me? well.. I surely don’t think I’m in the position to be writing a book. But what a foolish thought. I am perfectly able, intellectually and experientially to document and record my thoughts into a book. I should begin. Who cares where I start. I am hesitant about putting my thoughts into a concrete story. This whole context thing drives me crazy sometimes. I am so conscious of making sure the content of my thoughts fits into the context of a story or conversation, that quality of content it lost. Or I begin speaking and thinking absolute nonsense because i’m so distracted.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am reading Ayn Rands “Atlas Shrugged”… Objectivism/ Philosophical Realism… that reality is ontologically independent from the mind. OooOOo…

I believe this… I’m not sure what else it entails but I will find out. 1000 pages… 100 pages a day? 10 days. So far i have been averaging 30… at this rate… a month+ of reading. I must step it up.

ALSO- I always correct myself when I think to myself. If i ever catch myself saying “I ‘need’ to do this or that” I replace need with ‘must’. I hate feeling like its something i’m obligated to do. must makes it something imperative that i am convicted about. night.

Harvard Law School

I have to go to Harvard Law School. What will I need? A 4.0 gpa, a 175 LSAT score, and some really good softs. Can it be done? Absolutely. When will i start? Now.

I have a good 2 or 3 years before I apply. That means I have a good 2-3 years to study for the LSAT.

I want it. I will do everything in my power to realize this goal. I will study, I will sacrifice, I will grow.

Public Library.

I’m going to read John Steinbecks “East of Eden” today. I hear its a fantastic read.

I never really understood what ‘mo money, mo problems’ really meant until recently. Then again, I never really had money until recentl. Firstly, I hate credit cards, loans, and any other form of debt. I’m sure I’m not alone here, but I feel like I voluntarily shackle myself to my grave when I spend money I don’t have. It forces me to prioritize my time and put time constraints on what I need to do rather than what I want to do. This is probably apart of growing up. I either want alot of money, so I don’t have to worry about spending money I don’t have, or I don’t want any of it. I could be content being a parapatetic and spend my life doing fantastic odd jobs and consulting work that would pay my way to the next adventure.

WI update

Shame on me for not updating…

So in in Fond Du Lac Wisconsin for the summer… sellin BooOOooks. Best thing ever. My host family is actually two guys. Nipple rings and all. Its all good though. Wisconsin in awesome and people are super nice. I have a meeting bright and early tomorrow. I’ll write more later…

Finals Week

Tomorrow marks the beginning of Finals. The next three days will be a frenzy to produce the highest quality of work, and regurgitate as much as possible, in the most limited amounts of time. Welcome to college.

I went out to dinner with Scott, girl girlfriend, and his ma and pa today. Awesome people. His dads a swell guy. He’s writing a book (for the past five years) and was explaining how he made a breakthrough for the first time in two years. His book revolved around a bunch of kids always getting into trouble, getting out of trouble, getting into trouble, getting outta trouble, etc. He was explaining how its so easy to get characters into a mess. Like Houdini, its easy to wrap and chain and box him up and throw him into the freezing river. The hard part is the escape. It needs to be a little more clever than simply helicopters coming to the rescue, or a convenient ammo dump they stumble upon to blow through their antagonists. No, it needs to be clever. He shed light on how he got his characters out of the bind. Interesting man.

Anyway… The dinner cuisine was exquisite. We ate in a 17th century manor home turned inn. Beautiful white washed columns in a pantheon like style. The home was entirely timberframed. Fine art was spread from wall to wall. Quite charming.

I have alot of homework to do at the moment. Actually a lot of studying. I wish I didn’t feel so much pressure with only a few days of school to go. Alright, I’m off. Wish me luck 🙂

Becoming the Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I’m thinking this draft is too vague and not concise enough. I’m not sure if my opinion is stated clearly. I need to quote Simpson more, and clearly state whether I support, refute, or modify her claim that multitasking inhibits concentration and detracts from effective communication.

Becoming the Jack of All Trades, Master of None:

Responding to the Unquestioned Demands of Multitasking
Rough Draft

Normal
0

false
false
false

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

 

Normal
0

false
false
false

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

 

Normal
0

false
false
false

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

            At the turn of the twentieth century information consumption hit an all time high. Managing all the information required new methods of organization and processing. Technology quickly came to our defense and created new ways of its gathering and dissemination.  Mankind is now ingesting more information and juggling more tasks than ever before. As we incorporate more and more technologies that aim to improve our efficiency and effectiveness, the question remains if multitasking truly contains detrimental tradeoffs worth exploring. There is a poignant expression that describes the nature of those who specialize in multi-tasking: “Jack of all trades, master of none.”

            As the industrial era gave way to the information era, technological advances produced computers that allowed businesses and people to tackle more tasks with greater efficiency resulting in an influx of knowledge. The internet presented itself as the perfect catalyst that spurred the flow and exchange of this knowledge. As the need to harness and organize this information became a priority, the demand for people to make sense of it all gave rise, resulting in the emergence of analytic thinkers: engineers, computer scientists, lawyers, investment bankers, accountants, and MBA’s. A generation was born into a world where crunching numbers and juggling tasks was prized and rewarded. Acing standardized tests and performing in rigid curriculums meant to regurgitate knowledge has been the benchmark for success. In the process, it seems, the need for deep, creative thought has been overlooked.

            Mainstream society is currently a single interconnected whole where the populous is integral in dictating current trends through its contributions. People are required to share themselves, their opinions and their interests with the world, be it through their cell-phones, Facebook, twitter, or other technology.  The resulting trend is a society constantly being pulled in all sorts of directions as their attention remains commanded by the whole.

            Joanne Simpson is an excellent observer of the multi tasking phenomenon. As a professor, she has a front seat in witnessing the effect of a culture constantly demanding the attention of the developing youth. In her essay Multitasking State of Mind Simpson illustrates her experiences as an educator dealing with a generation of mentally taxed students raised in a world that expects interconnectedness and constant communication.

            Because technology has allowed people to manipulate information and knowledge with lightning speed, people openly adopt its presence in their life and give little thought to the accompanying tradeoffs. Simpson believes people have gotten carried away with all the positive aspects of being able to manipulate this information. While technology allows us to do more with the time we have, instead of freeing up our thoughts and free time, we become entrenched in even more tasks. It is clear that people in our culture are packing more and more into their daily lives as technology helps them manage the flood of information and activities. PDA’s, smart phones, and laptops allow for ultimate organization and even allow for work on the go.

            Simpson reminisces to her experiences prior to the tremendous technological boom when people’s lives were slower, more thoughtful and directed. “As I remember it, I still paid attention to one thing at a time” she recalls.  As tasks were allotted to specific portions of time, thoughts were more continuous and distractions were numbered. Nowadays, people manage to accomplish inhuman amounts in a single day. When Simpson polled her classroom at to whether they do several things at once, every students hand was raised. Watching television and listening to an IPOD while doing homework are almost an expected part of studying.

            With technologies help, people are expected to produce the same quality of work in half the time. Despite the efficiency of doing more, the depth of thought required for these tasks remained the same. An example is writing papers. Once an arduous process of continuous writes and rewrites, accompanied with countless edits and proofs, computer word processers gave people the ability to type at lightning speed, and leave the majority of editing, punctuation, and spelling, to the computer while still producing relatively high quality work. When this level of performance is achieved, it is demanded everywhere. Soon the act of writing becomes a single task instead of a process. When this happens form is left unrefined and content is sacrificed.

            Consider the process of research writing. Before computers and databases, hours were spent in the library burning the midnight oil, flipping through pages, hand writing notes and bookmarking pages. Compiling the information was an even greater task. Academics were all too familiar with the discipline and focus required for a typical research paper that required twenty four hours of effort.

            Today students are able to jump on a database, read article summaries with lightning speed, bounce from web page to web page, refer to citation machines, and use the ctrl+F function to find their information with minimal effort. The compilation of this information is just as quick.

            What we are seeing with the adaptation of technology is a decline in sustained effort towards given tasks. Quality ideas and work are a culmination of focus, concentration, reflection, and continued applied effort. Jumping from task to task, aside from the time lost in transition, doesn’t allow the mind enough time to familiarize itself with concepts and understandings. The superficial level of thought allotted to ideas consequently jeopardizes the student’s ability to articulate these ideas. Simpson is not amiss when she notices students coming to class in dazed and distracted states. When they step into her classroom they enter a place very different from their connected world; their attention is demanded everywhere as they juggle multiple priorities simultaneously.  The classroom is a place where prolonged attention is required to hash out the idiosyncrasies of an idea.

            While Simpson presents a persuasive case for multitasking’s detrimental effect on concentration, and its translation to poor communication, there is an unspoken standard of normalcy that her essays infer. Simpson claims that multitasking has left students more distracted and less able to concentrate. She spoke of Multitasking as an anti-Zen and describes how really living involves concentration. I would argue that Simpson is taking a conservative and bias approach to these changes in our society. Multitasking is a result of our adaptation to changing demands.  She outlined the negative effects she witnessed as a professor, but failed to mention how multitasking has contributed to the overall productivity and efficiency of work. The very e-mail she uses to illustrate a student’s ineffective communication skills provided a clear example of how technology has opened the lines and eased communication with her and her students.

            Perhaps the sheer ease of communicating and being connected has caused people to overlook quality. E-mails, texts, status updates and posts are sent by the dozens. The sheer volume messages sent daily may have people overlooking the quality of messages they send, not because they can’t send quality messages, but because being efficient is a greater priority. When hand written letters were the norm for communicating, much time was spent during the writing process to ensure effective communication because few letters, by today’s standards, were sent out.

            Its possible that Simpson has it all wrong and that the academic setting is the real problem. Perhaps its rigid, inflexible constructs don’t allow students to synthesize the volume of knowledge that they normally do. Perhaps students are bored and not stimulated.

            Simpson states that “really living and connecting with people—requires concentration, not distraction”. It sounds as if Simpson believes that ‘connecting with people’ is something that happens one person at a time. In our generation, information is prized. The thoughts and ideas we seek are gleaned from volumes of people. No longer is one person enough to qualify an experience or an idea. This generation seeks to understand and contribute to the consensual understanding of people. We ensure sound scientific literature through peer reviewed studies, vote for our American Idol contestant, give five stars to YouTube videos, and contribute to open forum discussions to share expertise and knowledge. If our aim is to seek and verify truth and knowledge as a people, than connecting with the population is what matters most. Not, as Simpson believes, one person at a time.

Bavaria.

Our lives are stories. Stories connect people in ways that are too powerful to comprehend. Every conversation is a story. We must learn to harness the power of stories, become thoughtful of their presence, and learn to connect people through them. I need to practice stories.

It was slightly overcast when my eyes greeted the morning. There was a warm breeze that passed through the curtains. I overslept a full two hours. Still early enough for breakfast. The memories of the night prior were difficult to piece together. My partner stirred next to me. I sat up and rubbed the sleepies from my eyes. My hair was matted and knotted. My face was moist from sweat.

I jumped on the computer and checked the mail and looked at the forecast for the day. 70 deg. Not bad for Vermont. I jumped in the shower before I headed off the breakfast. I looked at the buffet of steaming food. The last few weeks of school are quite disappointing. The cafeteria slowly stops stocking up on food, and guarantees leftovers from the day prior. The variety thins out. The taste muddles into a bland medley. Oh well. This is when I begin trying the fresher foods that had a questionable integrity to their taste. You learn to enjoy the odd mixture of flavors. The cold salads, the casseroles, the vegan dishes.

I arrived in Amherst three hours late. My cousin greeted me with joy and open arms. With his hugs came a saturated stench of beer. Bavaria. Good times at the fraternal celebration. Pledging was done for him, and although he no longer needed to stomach unhealthy portions of beer, he continued the habit and drank on. Two hundred people gathered in the yard. Huddled masses congregated near the kegs in the corner. A constant supply of beer ran continuously. Ten beer pong tables. A pig corpse roasted above a pit of charcoal and wood. We grabbed cups and joined in. It was awkward at first. The football crew, obvious with their shirtless parades, were rambunctious and loud. The girls, as few as there were, found each other out and chit chatted about their summer plans.

It was spring. Everyone touted their jcrew shorts and spring smear colored polos. It didn’t take long for the alcohol to work its way in me. I was drunk and happy. I managed to find those who were visitors to the Amherst bonanza like myself. It was good.

Ganster Money

I just got my financial aid package in the mail… I looked at the numbers and, to my astonishment, received $52,000.

What does this mean? It means I just got a ton of free money… gangster money… and that I will be going to Vanderbilt University practically for free.

Who would have thought that three years ago I would be going to Vanderbilt University. Blows me away. Hard work, persistence, faith and all those success principles really do pay off. From a fast-times crazy partying high school drop out living on friends couches and bumming rides to work… to this. wow.