How do I know what I think until I see what I say? ― E.M. Forster
Compilation of posts: Dec 12- 24
Friday, December 24, 2004
ive long since dreamed of your angelic face blowing wispers in my ear and before the break of every new day i lay and dream of you my love you taught me to sleep with hope tomorrow i will find myself lost in love once more
lately ive had raging emotions. i wanna kill. i wanna injure. pain is no contest. i want to unleash. i want to experience hurt. i want to bathe in pain. i want to inflict hurt. i want to destroy. i want to end things. i dont like being underestimated. i want to fight. i want to hold someones life in my hand. i want to breath death. whether my own or someone elses. im not fearful. im confident. i want to enjoy my sufferings and smile upon my pain. i want to lose it. I need to be pushed over the edge. please push me.
sitting, looking, typing, seeing, feeling, moping, gasp intruiging, watching waiting, panting bleeding, infomous darkness never receding, to blank the thought of this distant needing, wanting more but never recieving, tending demons attending preachings, living lonesome living grieving, , leave the friendship never retreating, loveing lustful thoughts of healing, here i stand alone and kneeling, every tear that keeps on speeding, racing time like its fleeing, watchful demise intensity teeming,life long, lustful never ending, catch the promise, that which is pending, in your words that you keep bending, never knowing always pretending, let me know If I’m worth fending, and take the thoughts to keep me sending, simple words mabye just three, take these words, take them from me, and look inside find what you see, on what you missed, what it is is me, swallow your pride, swallow it whole, you took a dive, you paid the tole, you walked with pride never to see, who you really were, who you turned to be, signing out and clocking in, giving up, to giving in, you never new what you had to hold but now that I’m gone you’ll soon grow cold, dripping sweat, burning eyes, never to make your compromise, take these words and take them hard, shove them inside and wash them down for what you know you meant to me, I’m sorry but your friendship could never be
my weekend…. friday… went to a close friends party… got inebriated… slept over… got molested by some girl… very uncomfortable situation…. overall good night… hung out with alot of guys i havent partied with in a long while… saturday DAY…. hung out with kate aLLLLLL day…. went out to EAT….. instead of seeing the polar express… gag…..met up with philip….. went to the malll….. got the camcorder up and running….. got ready for a bonfire…..saturday night… hm…. phil and i got a bonfire goin… good amount of people came and went… it got beat after the first hour… so we shot over crystals for awhile… only to return to the bonfire later that night… i must say… i drank a bit too much that night… had a killer time tho… saw alot of people id never thought id see at a party… anyway… it was goooood. had fun shootin my pellet gun… choppin shit up with a machete(sp?) and bashin things up with bats… overall fun… hm…. tonight went to a close friends lumanares? or something.. basically a giant block party… yea… didnt know anyone so i left… getting ready to go to stadium grills xmas party… FUN… good shit… exams tomorrow… wish me luck…. HA im like $400 in the hole for my car damage… still.. its been about a month now… right before xmas was a kick in the balls for my car to break… bummer.
"This fall I think youre riding for – it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn’t permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement’s designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own enviornment couldn’t supply them with. Or they thought their own enviornment couldn’t supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really got started."
didnt come up with this… but i found it humorous and entertaining enough..so:::: do you’s? 1. do you think im cute? 2. do you want to kiss me? 3. do you want to cuddle wit me? 4. do you want to hook up with me? 5. do you like my hair? are we’s? 1. are we aquintences? 2. are we friends? 3. are we hook ups? 4. are we in a relationship? 5. are we going to have kids? 6. are we going to fhuck like vild boar? would you’s? 1. would you hang out with me? 2. would you ask me out on a date? 3. would you be my hook up? 4. would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend? 5. would you have sex with me? have you ever? 1. have you ever thought about me? 2. have you ever thought there might be an "us"? 3. have you ever thought about about hookin up with me? 4. have you ever found yourself wanting a kiss from me? 5. have you ever wished i were there? (awwww <—) are you’s 1. are you thinking "what the fuck is wrong with this kid?" 2. are you happy you know me? 3. are you mad at me? 4. are (what) you thinkin bout me? 5. are you going to repost this so that i will return the favor?
i feel like i have a weight on my shoulders… its uncomfortable. i feel as if my emotions are being held down and suffocated. Am i missing something big here? i went to jersey…. i had a good time i suppose… saw all my friends… it was so good to see everyone. i wish i had a day set apart for each of people i left behind when i moved. but as much as i was glad to visit jersey…. jersey weather is not enjoyable… and i couldnt wait to be back in florida… went to the dance… danced my butt off. woooot. afterwards…no big parties… so i went to the races in Phili with jeff alex and dave… we eventually parked and ran around center city for a few hours.. made some trouble and what not… it was fun.
1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. How have I affected you? 5. What do you think of me? 6. What’s the fondest memory you have of me? 7. How long do you think we will be friends? 8. Do you love me? 9. Do you have a crush on me? 10. Would you kiss me? 11. Would you hug me? 12. Physically, what stands out? 13. Emotionally, what stands out? 14. Do you wish i was cooler? 15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I? 16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 17. Am I loveable? 18. How long have you known me? 19. Describe me in 3 words 20. What was your first impression? 21. Do you still think that way about me now? 22. What do you think my weakness is? 23. Do you think i’ll get married? 24. What makes me happy? 25. What makes me sad? 26. What reminds you of me? 27. If you could give me anything what would it be? 28. How well do you know me? 29. Do you wish to get to know me more? 30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t? 31. Do you think I could kill someone? 32. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?