Compilation of posts: Mar 6- Mar 30

man. life. whoa. i had an awesome time/trip with jam-o. life throws so much at you at once. i constantly am being bombarded by new trials and tribulations. ive decided that girls, even the ones you love, are impossible. one day the spill their heart, the next they clean it up and the sincere love that could withstand the end of the world is no more, just lost words and feelings. bah. im a naive little boy.

coffee is good. ive come to the conclusion that i am retarded. i cannot handle simple emotional tasks. i am afraid this is going to damage me and all of my relationships. scares the shit outta me. i constantly contradict my own convictions. which leads me to feel like shit. which leads me to be self destructive. and i dont like it. i hate hurting people. i have soo much anxiety and stress right now. from what? i dont know. i need help. my best bro jamie O is coming tomorrow. cant friggen wait. ill be able to let go of all my worries for the next 5 days and enjoy life. i need to totally chill. i want coffee icecream. coffee and cigarettes. rootbeer and cloves. i wanna drink and go swimming. go skateboarding in the rain.

ive decided this weekend sucked alot. i contribute that to me deciding that drinking wasnt a good idea. coming to the conclusion that having fun weekends are built around alcohol, i realized that removing the alcohol just leaves you with a weekend and no fun. so drink in moderation i will. other things that i wanna complain about: i want my jeep back. i want my cellphone back. i need to start getting into a steady training regiment. i have to stop idealizing people… and…. ya.

all i can do is laugh. i laugh and laugh and laugh. i think about the past year. and laugh. no tears. just laugh. laugh at everything. ive gotten to the point where i care soo much. that i just dont care. its awesome. since my decision to quit smoking the reefer a few weeks ago, ive had no desire to continue the habit. ive been drinking uncontrollably the past few weeks instead. ive decided as of two nights ago that my drinking habits have become destructive. so ive decided to stop drinking for awhile. and… while thinking about it why not stop doin drugs. while these decisions might not be permanate… id like to see what its like to live sober for awhile. we’ll see how it works out.

i got drunk as fuck yesterday. why? i do not know. but its two in the morning. and i woke up. and i remember my parents yelling at me when i got home at 8 that i was a mess. i could not walk or talk. i did not know up from down. i cannot rely. its a sin. why. i started drinking at 11:00. i capped out around 15 beers by that night. but i could not count. im a fuckin mess. i did not know what i was doing or what was going on. so im sitting here. still drunk. drinking my water. wondering why no one showed up. wondering what the hell happened yesterday. and i dont know.

with grass stains on her knees she looks up and smiles at me my eyes run to hers and time stops to wait for the two lovers lost together

i tripped last night. man. what an experience. i am changed. i see things so much differently. i would say clearer… and maybe thats it… but its a different shade of reality. alot makes sense. i feel alot better about so many things. man. its a MINDBLOWING experience. everything… like… whoa. wouldnt recommend it to get fucked up on. cause you aernt fucked up. its all in your mind. i am happy i experience it. it was very therapeutic. got alot out.