grr

i piss myself off. i dont like drifting through life. i like having a drive. i like having motives. i like creating and energizing. whenever i find myself drifting i really get down.

recently i realized i dont have a dream. my dads this motivational slash consultantant slash businessman slash a bunch of crap. anyway. he’s all about knowing what to do and doing it right. so ive recently become receptive to his methods seeing he’s always got where he wants to be and seeing how i never really get to where i wanna be i thought id be a good bit of sense to take his. anyway

we sat down and he started talking to me. and basically we were trying to figure out what i really want to live for, what my dreams are. what keeps me waking up, the thing that keeps me motivated and passionate. and for the damned of me i couldnt figure out what the hell my dreams were. i mean. what the fuck do i wanna do with myself. am i retarded. mike. what the F do you want from this life. i wanna help people. i wanna perfect my character to flawless…. and wait. as im saying these things i realize im afraid to say dreams that pop into my head. i have these fears that keep me from exploring the possibility of other dreams unexplored. i suppose i feel like im not qualified to have those dreams. maybe they arent something that people might approve of as being realistic. maybe i consider them unreal and they might change over night. ill tell you what. ive had this thing for writing. ive always wanted to be a writer. why? i suppose its an amazing tool that allows you to ultimately express oneself. hm. i dunno. maybe im catching on to something. ugh. what
the
fuck.

alright. this dream thing is gonna take me awhile to really unearth.

so like. the past week. lemme tell ya. its been pretty outta control. i mean. pretty outta control. ive really been loose on the whole drinking thing. most people (it seems to me anyway) dont think its a huge thing to drink five days in a row. i mean. the sound of it sorta makes you wanna judge. but then again most people do this and dont take the time to realize it. anyway anyway. i dont like the fact that ive been drinking so much. ive been able to go to the gym despite this little detail, but ive noticed that my training progress has suffered as a result. im not making the gains i expected the last week. hm.

ive really excommunicated myself from alot of people. ive become pretty picky as to whom i hang out. i guess for alot of reasons. but who knows. maybe i dont want to be influenced. maybe i just wanna pretect myself. maybe i would like to maintain my comfort level. i dunno. sometimes i consciously wanna lose my mind. ive done it so many times before. literally just given up on everything. myself people jobs school… and just reset my mind and become infatuated with rewriting my head with a routine and a mindset that allows me to express myself to the utmost farout creative level.

i really havent been feeling that great. its not that ive been feeling bad… im just going through the motions ive established for myself. i set up a routine for myself and now im just existing, constantly reminding myself that routine and discipline will teach me valuable lessons. but for some reason im beginning to doubt this train of thought and its very gloomy. i now find myself sort of lost and helpless. nevertheless i’ll remain sane and continue to seek alternative methods of satisfying my inner hunger for more. i need to regurgitate some verve in my life. id like to start thinking a bit more in depth and maybe a bit more abstractly once again. i abandoned that thinking awhile ago because no matter how soothing it was at the time to voice these revelations and discoveries, it made my life cluttered and too detailed to the point where i would begun questioning every thought and analyzing every detail. this made me a bit anxious. and my goal is life is to be anxiety free. that shit sucks. poop.