im sick and tired

i am totally warped. i spent the past week in jersey. visiting old friends and rehashing old habits. Im totally over old habits. im sick to the stomach right now. i cannot stand anymore sickening monotany. i need some change in my head. im on this endless search for a pool that never wakes or trembles. i need everlasting tranquility in my head. im tired of cluttered space. i cant think straight. i dont wanna be someone im not. and im tired of trying not to be offensive… or overly considerate to people. i need to just worry about being myself. ugh. i sat in the airport terminal for six hours today. i watched people and wrote in my journal. the people really made me think about where everyone was going. why. when. why. how. i pretended like i knew them and a fewtimes struck conversation. alot of people. alot of perspectives. alot of realities. when i was all alone at the baggage claim, after everyone had deserted the area, i opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. the drafty terminal was deathly quiet. after abotu two hours of being all alone… except for the incessant rapping of my thoughts.. i decided to explore. upon passing some automatic sliding glass doors a chime sounded, followed by a pleasant voice “Hey! You look handsome today!” i paused midstride. wtf. i leaned back and listened again, not moving. a while later “Has anyone told you how great you look today!?”… backpack and luggage in hand, i stood there and soaked up about ten minutes worth of automated feel good responses. the airport actually has these.
whats this world coming to? we apparently dont hear it enough.. and its so necessary to our wellbeing and happiness that we’ve installed them in probably the most unhappiest places of all.

cool. collected. creative. smart. calm. comfortable.

my sleep patterns have degraded the past week.. as well as my eating patterns.

i havent shaven in about a week.

go to bed.