beauty

i just want beauty. i dont want it scarred or slaughtered- marred or trampled. I dont want it second hand. i want novel original unscathed freshly birthed beauty like a clandestine ray of perfection that would devinely find its way into my eye and into my mind. i want to hold it in my hand pristine, untouched. the memories are the only thing i cannot run far enough from. no matter how many i make they are there when the joy settles and the euphoria clears. i want beauty in my hand. i want to touch it and hold it and i want it to hold me back. i would do anything to take back the mistakes that taint the loving purity it once beheld in my mind. now its nothing more than the twinkle in my eye. i am haunted by images of fear and confusion and lashing impulses that i later would die to take back. and some people hold these things so dear to them and others drop these memories the moment they have no more use for them. i wish i could drop them. Then i would hold it in my hand once more.