I’m pissed. I’m really pissed. I’m pissed at myself. I am totally dissatisfied. I forget who I am. I am forgetting my convictions. I am forgetting the importance I place on my values. I’m letting others dictate what I think. Society… the world… what the fuck to they know. I know what I know. Why the fuck am i letting myself be convinced that my experiences and the decisions that I’ve deducted are not true. I am so pissed. When I put myself around these people- their mentality permeates into me and corrupts- it’s so subtle. ‘Be positive’- I tell myself, ‘They are only people searching’… they are foolish. Everything about them. They are lost. They do not know what I know. What I know has meaning as it’s directly relative to my life. These people I put myself around… their false realities and ideals… petty sorry ideals based on their own knowledge.. .nothing true and noble and genuine… they rub off on me. I remain positive but it only infiltrates my convictions further. I am sick. I am fucking sick. These people-no, I am sick of myself. I am sick of the complacency I’ve been letting slip into my life. Casually sleeping in. The drinking. Being someone I’m not… and being alright with it… because I tell myself it’s alright… its acceptable in their eyes… but I know I’m not really like this. But i act like this. And my actions are me. So I find myself becoming them. And i wonder to myself… ‘Who are you Mike? If you are that person do you live passionately convicted day in and day out in this manner, uncompromising?’ and I recently gave myself the answer NO. I am not. And I realized I am NOT ok with it anymore. I will not be positive and let it go by for the sake of any excuse any longer. I am angry. This is a righteous anger.
I am not happy with my progress. I want to be on fire. I want to live to the fullest. I don’t want to put things off. I want to be convicted with the motto ‘Do not put things off for tomorrow what I can today.’ and I refuse to be half ass. These people.. they are fuckin half ass. and I am beginning to think this is normal. NOT by my standards. I have potential I am looking past. I am sick and tired of it. I am forgetting the line that reminded me of this truth years ago:
What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in th world to live after the worlds opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the GREAT man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independent of solitude.”Emerson
What I need to remember and not feel guilty or ashamed about for a moment, in everything I do, is the line… “what I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think”
and I gotta realize its hard…
Especially when I see their half ass efforts in their endeavors, their pathetic attempts at achievement, when they don’t know where they are going or what they are doing. They barely know what they want… and they aren’t even passionate enough have the desire to put their all and all into it. I DO know what I want. I have figured this out. This is also hard when I put myself around thier faulty logic. Their pathetic value system. I love people. But there are people that cannot be saved. And I cannot save them. And i need to run the other direction instead of getting sucked into this mindset that I can somehow save them and be the hero with all the answers.
Inspirational dissatisfaction. Thats what I have. And i am pissed. And I and pissed
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Starting this moment I will seek things that I know will bring me closer to my goal. I will not dwell on past mistakes. I will totally focus on the person I want to be. I will focus on who I want to be. I will severe any and all tendencies to doubt or worry. I will remove any and all distractions. I will NOT settle. Whether it be the people or the lifestyle or the thoughts or the activities. I will not. I have a standard of putting my all into it and I will REFUSE to settle for anything less. I am angry with myself for letting it get to this point. Putting myself around these people. They justify everything in thier little world. every lie. every rational. everything they do is OK. I AM NOT OK WITH OK. I want the best. and I will seek the best. Not because it’s what’s entirely what’s best for me- but because it’s the right thing to do. I know I will be rewarded for doing right. Fuck these people who justify everything they do. The laziness… the lies… the cheating… the excuses… hurting people… themselves… doing things that are not whats best. Like enjoying life at the expense of their own life… like getting drunk… getting high… wasting money… smoking cigarettes… staying up late… being destructive. and usually this is also at the expense of others. I am done. I am done with those people. I am done thinking it’s alright being around them. Thinking like them. I am done.
I will do what I have to do. I will absorb the philosophies of those who are where I want to be. I will be convicted. I will be passionate. I will emphatically admit when I am wrong. I will find correction and embrace change- no matter how uncomfortable. Anything worthwhile in life requires effort. Requires hardship, sacrifice, pain. There is nothing easy. There must be a trade. I will give whatever it takes to live life according to the standards God wants for me. According to the standards that convict me despite my attempts to stifle the voice of reason and the feelings of regret. I am not a product of my mistakes. I have the option in this very moment to change. At every moment I have the decision to choose my thoughts. To FEEL . TO feel alive and happy and grateful for the choices I get to make that will make my life better in the long run. No more self indulgence. No more instant gratification. No more rational. No more justification. I am facing the reality.
I will be positive… I will be hopeful. I will not be tolerant. I will not be submissive. I will do whatever it is I need to do to change the course of my life at any moment if I deem it not the direction I want to go. because I am in control of my life. I may not be able to ask for another life or start over. I may not be able to control what happens to me. But I can change the course and the direction and the speed at which I travel to the destination I set for myself. I am in control. To think otherwise would be to give my life to the winds of life to be blown in all directions and be at the mercy of circumstantial waves that will break me for the simple lack of willpower to recognize the power I have over my life and the life I could be potentially lead.
I’m going to to homework now.
William Dare 