Cut the ties, hold your sighs, and say good-byes.

There is no fuel, no passion igniting my inner cavities. I want life. I want reasons. Logical or illogical, something with life and vitality I can hug and lean myself against. I want friction that sharpens and warms. I want something in life that’s exciting, enticing, surprising and never regular. I want simplicity that screams fire and love and charm. I want to hold an open hand and watch memories mature. I want something that draws me in and spits me out. I want to be rebirthed in the presence of another. I want to look at life like a challenge that grips and shakes and caresses me. GOD. Where the fuck is a breath of fresh air. Why do I have this horrible feeling like I have it all figured out. Typically I’d get to a point like this in my life and sabotage all my progress, throwing myself into an oblivious raving state, harming those closest to me, and destroy my character in the process. I would rebuild in order to keep myself sane,only to prove to myself that I am capable of doing good. I feel that at the ceiling of achievement lies the virtue of patience. I cannot hurry my progress along. I cannot change my circumstances to better suit me without waiting longer. I desire all day and night to be better, but I will not compromise my aspirations.

How does one become inspired? I feel that I’ve exhausted my resources. My philosophy is.. yes.. its always that simple… now make it work and stick to it. thats the hard part. Sticking to lofty ideals. I want gratification. I want to scrap the nuances of sacrificial achievement. I want to be happy on this journey. I want to sift through the idiosyncratic subtleties that paint the landscape of life. I want to indulge, be straight forward and clear about my intentions. I want to manage a world of discovery without making it a mundane routine.

Help me expand my horizons to things outside myself. I want to remove my preconceptions about life. I want to learn from the best, the mad ones, the crazy ones, the ones with too much time and too little worries. I want to get caught up in a surge of creativity, burning brightly with passion and zeal. I want to stab my way through hardship and beat on the door of opportunity every day of my life. I want to live to the fullest.

All this would be especially wonderful if I had another to share it with. Where are these people? Where is my soul mate? yes they exist… people who, despite similarities or differences… you are drawn to.. magnetized, hypnotized, mesmerized… love… call it what you want but its powerful. These people feed off your presence, and you theirs. I want to bathe in that someones aura of innocence. I want to penetrate their gaze and swim with their soul in mutual harmony and pleasure and share in a gentle childlike mirth that envelops every corner of my mind and heart… I want it to fill the cracks of desperation and settle me like a soothing lullaby.

Where are you?

I’m distraught. No motives other than the introspective examination of a life wasted. I know who I was… I will be everything that person wasn’t. I am tired of chasing paper trails. I want fancy thrills with substance beyond the ephemeral promises of the times. I want to nurture ethereal relationships that quench the parched and pallid landscapes I live in.

9 thoughts on “Cut the ties, hold your sighs, and say good-byes.”

  1. I guess everyone feels the craving you described, but, no matter how hard you try to change yourself, the negative feeling may keep coming back.
    This relates to what you wrote, that you got it all figured out.
    You got tired of your life, more of your unspent potential to adopt different surroundings. This is called the boredom of everyday life, in your case a little exaggerated.
    Furthermore, you mentioned that you are familiar with the feeling of being with a soulmate, or so you described in probably your point of view, but how can you talk about it, if you haven’t already found it?

    1. I feel this happens when I stop looking, when I stop stepping and striving outside myself. Maybe I found my soul-mate. Maybe I lost it. I know what I’ve experienced. I can only imagine what perfect love feels like. Perhaps my imagination provides me with a cruel, empty illusion. If I can conceive, and believe, I can achieve these dreams.

      1. There is no perfect love. You can strive, but in the end it is all an illusion.
        This is right due to the unstable nature of emotions.
        And everything derived from emotions -such as knowing something, which is rather feeling it, and being sure of it- lasts perhaps better word is endures until the fuel of emotions is burned out. It goes something like this:
        -outside effect creates emotions, perceptions, perceptions by the strength of reason creates thoughts, thoughts control reactions, or actions that procreate emotional response
        Example is that how the junkie feels the world is great, and he has much more positive cognition while he is on drugs. When that effect stops, everything turns upside-down, and the junkie cries to turn it upside-down again.

      2. what do you think?
        Who said love was a feeling? We know feelings are dishonest and illusory. Love is a mutual commitment of the mind, body and soul. A marriage or communion of two. Perhaps a perfect love would require a perfect world– where people are capable of giving themselves selflessly to another while asking nothing in return. I think love is ruined by the ego: selfishness, pride, insecurity. In a hurting world, love may be hard to find. When we hurt, love is hard to give.

      3. further reflection
        Regarding feelings, emotions, sensations, or any other type of arousal-
        Referring to the two-factor theory of emotional response- I feel it’s safe to say that my cognition precedes my emotional state. If I work to correctly label certain states of arousal as being positive or desirable, my emotional reaction will be favorable. If you want a favorable emotional response, you need to cognitively label the state of arousal with a thought at your disposal. You cannot have a desirable emotional state if you have not cogitated that emotional state. Years of poor thinking may make this difficult due to the habit of thinking negative thoughts that cause an undesirable emotional response. You design the world you live in. You choose your thoughts. The more vivid the thought, the stronger the response.

      4. Re: further reflection
        The thing is, noone’s cognition precedes emotional state.
        that is because emotional thingy carves your ego. Ego which dictates your ability to label, and to fully adapt things. Yes, love is therefore ruined by ego, because love is an urge, a feeling that forces you, implies itself to you in a not escapeable manner. Love is that which moves you, which reveals somewhat buried emotions, or cravings. because of this, love is very dangerous thing, and for the sake of well being must be controlled, rationalized by reason, therein ego plays a crucial part. As you have said, labeling it is the simplest thing to do. But, the whole ability to label correctly is also suspicious. It raises question what is correct? Surely correctly labeling is what preserves you, and in you in whole.
        But than, whole love, if we look not to destroy us, and rebuild us from ashes is not love. Love is the unrational in reason. Even if love evolves from a specific rational thing, it becomes once again unstable, it diminishes reason, and the ability to preserve oneself. This is, I believe because of that it forces you towards others, neglecting yourself, creating communion. But, once again whole compulsion for others, the object of love, is egoistical. Love arises from us, moving towards others but never arriving there. It always stays between us. Because of that love uses ego as fuel, on an more subconscious level, it is all the same, egoistical.
        And nothing is selfless, not even love. If it comes from us, it is selfish, because it refers to us. So, the begining point and an ending point is us. It moves from us, and returns to us.It is therefore selfish, because it works for us.
        You seem to be very convinced into that we design the world around us.Why? We only decide how to percieve, if we are able to sublimate the reality and the sensual perceiving of it.
        I must agree with you when you denote that staying in a shell, or negative thinking (as negative is everything that forces you to stay in a shell) is what prevents us from wanting more positive thinking (changing). But one must certainly be cautious about adopting unwanted values from the shifting environment. 🙂

      5. Re: further reflection
        Quote:: “When trying to understand what kind of person we are, we first watch what we do and feel and then deduce our nature from this. This means that the first step is to experience physiological arousal. We then try to find a label to explain our feelings, usually by looking at what we are doing and what else is happening at the time of the arousal. Thus we don’t just feel angry, happy or whatever: we experience feeling and then decide what they mean.
        The sequence thus is as follows:
        Event ==> arousal ==> reasoning ==> emotion
        This is notable as it places emotion as a cognitive act (albeit subconscious) rather than a deeper state (this is the place of arousal). (http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/two-factor_emotion.htm)

      6. Re: further reflection
        Never heard of this two-factor theory before.
        I went on that site, and first “research” seems stupid enough, as it can be subjective.
        But, I’m not that stupid, and I think that I figured out that you want to underline the process
        Event-arousal-reasoning-emotion.
        But, that line is not quite right.
        Does reasoning gives out emotions?
        Do emotions come out of reasoning?
        What is reason, and what are emotions? Western philosopher thought that memories are making compounds of reason. This is kinda true. They thought of insanity to be as a lack of memories. Surely it is, at least socially looking at it. But, then again, the sanity only exist as in comparing within a society. Emotions are different, they do not abide to rules.
        (no, I am not partially mistaking emotion with arousal.)
        Do you really think someone’s emotional state can be controlled by reasoning it? It’s without a doubt, it should be, but the fact is that in most or all cases it cannot be contained, and beated.
        Emotions are what leads our life, that is us though our life.

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