essentially existing

This world is insane. I can’t grasp it all. Everything I think and everything I read overwhelms me with thought.

I’m reading Sartre. I’m also reading Kierkegaard. Everytime I read philosophy one of two things happen. I either… become totally nihilistic… or… I find a thread of singularity that helps justify the rationale I use to create sense out of the absurd madness. Meaning. Its so damn hard to grasp.

When I feel stable and secure in my reason… or when I arrive somewhere secure and relatively safe from the clutches of doubt and cynicism.. I find consistencies that pervade all the philosophies and explain much of the confusion I experience. Typing it all out here would require several volumes worth of writing to explain.

Something I find myself fighting against is meaning. I am often left believing that all is inherently meaningless; that any meaning I discover is simply manufactured by my consciousness- And that does not constitute meaning. As far as I’m concerned… there is truth… and there is meaning. You can have truth without meaning… but you cannot have meaning without truth. This seems contradictory. How can something be true unless it has a value? I think meaning is denoted when we decide what that value is- whether it is positive or negative. Truth is objective… but it does not provide or point to meaning. That we leave to our individual judgment.

Existentialism is interesting. I think I accidentally act like an existentialist- Existence precedes essence. I think like a Cartesian- Essence precedes existence or I think, therefore I am. I wonder how much free will the Cartesian philosophy allows. I know Descartes believed in a soul… in a human nature… presumably the essence we’re talking about. That almost makes it seem like there are restraints to the freedom man has. That as his essence he is before he exists. That there is meaning before he exists. That there are values before he exists. Maybe these values are there but through our existence they become meaningful.
Existentialists believe that they dictate meaning… they are ultimately responsible for their reality. They are without excuse for being one way or another. Their meaning is directly responsible for who or what they are. I think. I know that existentialism is a closely related to the notion of humanism. Why? I sorta forget. I often associate cartesian philosophy with humanism… that I can think and therefore be whatever I want. Gosh. so confusing. Need to read and think more.

All I know is that we choose meaning. We also choose our truth. Or we acknowledge it anyway. Whether that truth is meaningful or not we won’t know until we act or experience it. The results matter. How to measure results? Shit if I know. I doubt its measurable. I doubt its static.

I know that if you want something.. if you want to achieve… all you need to do is DECIDE what you want… Develop a burning, unextinguishable passion/desire that motivates you to actualize this desire… and Ignore anything that would prevent you from achieving it. This means… totally cutting yourself off from any conflicting philosophies and seeing past any obstacles so that they appear as temporary challenges. Dedicate your thoughts to this desire… allowing your mind to visualize, create or play with the desire all day long. Also… apply FAITH that is will be achieved. Faith promotes patience… hope.. and an additional list of maxims that are necessary from actualizing that which does not exist. Such as success.

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