I need to stop trying to be profound. There is no profoundity to life. It just is. So. Where I am… I’m not very content. But thats alright. I convinced myself that my behaviors needed to be a certain way- and now I’m not acting on these behaviors. I’m just being impulsive and emotional. Eh. Life. I wish I was strong enough to act on my convictions. no wishing.
I’m in the library.. attempting to study. I’ve been reading blogs from the past five years. It’s pretty interesting… watching yourself grow. I’m exactly who I was five years ago… a little wiser… a little more weathered and experienced. Essentially the same. The same loves, desires, vexations, confusions. I know how to implement these plans better than ever tho. I’ve seen these plans carried out. Whether or not I continue to carry them out is up to me on a daily basis. Soren Kierkegaard has an awesome journal. He’s a phenomenal writer and philosopher.
Why do I like philosophy? I suppose it’s cause I like asking questions. And if you ask enough you begin to deconstruct reality.. and its gets all theoretical. I believe there is an essential base to it all. A place that exists on the other side of my senses. I believe that the space between me and these places is where the magic takes place. Where perceptions conjure wondrous landscapes to play in or horrid chambers of torture. You choose. There is a gift in matching the inside with the outside. It takes practice. Aligning ones will with the external landscape. Not compromising, just being flexible.
I got intoxicated on friday. I use these words because they are broad and therefore allow for a lot of security against judgment. It was weird. There were people getting naked… smoking strange substances that induced the most frightening trips imaginable… only for brief minutes tho. I would watch these people inhale the fumes… and exhale their soul… eyes staring off into space. Their pupils would dilate… their face would become flush and their body would become rigid as they attempted to brace their mind for the most incongruent reality they’ve ever experienced. Bodily function would cease… they would start mumbling… or drool. Its honestly not the most pleasant thing to watch and one would wonder why people would consider partaking in such an affair. Especially after just witnessing them slip into such a stupor.
Anyway… It was fun tho. I didn’t take much of that night too seriously. I just smiled. People would talk… I would smile.. and hug them… and then have fun! My friends and I ventured into the backyard of this old Vermont house where we encountered horsies! It was an interesting night. The moon was near full and the atmosphere was thick with moisture. This caused the moonlight to diffuse into the skyscape- making the wee hours of the night appear like an overcast afternoon. Anyway… we hung out with the horses. (Very large and weird creatures. Especially when you’re drunk and trying to show them the same affection you’d show any pretty girl when you’re drunk). I accidentally touched the electric fence… which sent a jolt through my body. I let out a yelp. We all marveled in our inebriated state at the magnificent sky. So bright! We postulated in our drunken fanaticism that if there ever were a time to be abducted by unearthly beings… this would be it. We then proceeded to shoot off in full stride towards the far end of a field… Arms extended to the sky… screaming… “take me now!” This was short lived however. We forgot that the humidity in the air was caused by a several day downpour- so as we ran, we noticed that each successive stride sent our feet deeper and deeper into the earth… until we were running through very large puddles of mud and water. We quickly retreated.
Our dear host was great. She’s always so nice. Great hugger. Sometimes a little too warm and friendly with the hugs. I only say this because I could see how one too many drinks could lead to a promiscuous affair one could later deeply regret.
This weekend proved to be a regular disappointment. When I say disappointment, I mean, I’m not left feeling anymore fulfilled than when it began. And I usually expect that every weekend should leave me fulfilled to some degree. Especially after the brutal beatings of the mundane weekday routine.