Super bowel

Sooo confused. What do I want to major in? I feel like my thoughts are sieving through my brain. Nothings sticking. My passion. God. I always come back to passion. Where are my desires? Where is my curiosity? I feel like I’m an empty vessel with gaping pores. I can never be full. Its constant effort. Always a battle. As soon as I rest I pay for it. Maybe I’m confused right now. I hate when I feel like I know what my problem is, and for some reason that seems like enough to do about it. Just knowing what it is. Thats no solution. gosh.

blah blah. I am feeling lazy. Tomorrow I’m working out. I worked out last week… SOOoo sore. So sore I couldn’t give legitimate hugs this week. They were half hearted. So sore I felt like I had the flu. I always forget to ease back into it when I take like… over a month off. Thats ridiculous. Over a month?? Michael.. totally unsat.

So my classes… I feel like my brain needs to catch up. I have quite a bit to do at the moment. Lacking the enthusiasm to do it well. Therefore it doesn’t get done cause I only wanna do it well. what shitty logic. I need to just do. Do and do and do. I wanna get laid. I need to get laid. There are all these girls, but no friggen desire to pursue. What the hell? I am crazy. Actually, no. There are not all these girls, and thats the problem. Horrible ratio at this school. 30/70. Wow. no girls. As much as I want to believe this school is terrific, I wanna punch it.

Speaking of punch: I bought some potassium nitrate the other day. A whole pound. Gonna make some fiery, smoky things. That go fizzle and boom. We’ll see.

There is like… 10 ft of snow everywhere. I wanna jump in it naked. Aimless. I need to shut myself off from the outside world. When I have too many thoughts, my brain shuts the fuck off. I become over stimulated and suddenly, go blank. It sucks. When I control my thoughts, and only think the shit I want, everything is better. I’ve done this in the past by not going online, not using social networking sites, not partying, not talking to random people, or not doing anything that doesn’t pertain to school and or books and or studying and or clubs and or organizations. wtf. I get depressed when I get so shut off.

Its ok though.. cause, while I’m not really depressed now, I feel just as empty. And I’d rather feel a little sad and full than empty. phooey.