Post. Dreams.

I really shouldn’t be doing this right now. It’s 1:15 in the morning and I have work in a few short hours. (long entries are never fun to read… neither are unparagraphed thoughts, but i got that covered.)

I thought I’d use my wisdom and go to bed early, so I hit the sack around 8am… but I failed to do the math. My bodies been running on 6 hours a night… and I wake at 7 for work. Soo… 11 hours of sleep… a little much. fml.

So here I am… I thought I’d begin reading Nietzsche’s geneology of morals… and I did begin this evening, but I fell asleep and went with it.

I am a big day dreamer… I need to learn how to capture the essence of those dreams. Whenever I have flashes of moving inspiration, or alternative realities, I always tell myself that I will jot them down, and sometimes I do in my paper journal, but the power usually dwindles by the time I get around to it… so what comes out are a few lifeless lines that hardly do the dream justice.

Me. Its so interesting how we evolve as people. No one is static.

Where the hell is the depth? God. I feel so shallow right now. My life has no discord, has no strife. I feel totally bored by it all. My academics pose no threat because nothing is at stake. School is a joke when you get down to it. At the end of the day the real battle is between the will to succeed and the will exist (oh yes, the will to exist. and its strong). When the stakes are greatest I perform my best.

It is interesting to note that I alone deem what the stakes are and when they are. No one can instil importance in me unless I see the true value. Sports, for instance, always illustrated this for me. I remember instances in swimming, before I was dubbed a great swimmer, when no one thought much of me doing well so everyone’s encouragement was mediocre. To me, on the other hand, the match was equivalent to my personal self worth and meant quite a deal. During the race I would completely dominate and supercede everyones expectations by not only winning, but smashing the competition. Eventually I would realize that I was a good swimmer, or I had that potential in me, so my self worth was instated. Trying seemed silly. So thing for academics.

As I grew older I realized that consistently succeeding is what counts.

********

I feel so selfish. I’d love to study how egocentric man is. I try to perform meta analysis on myself and I see that my little bubble of reality is so finite. I can’t really blame myself for it. I give myself much more credit for being objective than is rightfully due.

There is no such thing as normal. I want everyone to like me, and when they don’t it pains me. Probably the result of some self esteem or security issues. With this in mind, I have been realizing over the years that some people just won’t be interested in you, and that the more you think about being attractive to them, the less you can be yourself, which is the most attractive thing. I mess this up way too often. I destroy who I am by being who I’m not. I am overly concerned with their thoughts and opinions than is needed.

Where is PASSION!

I have a need for passion in my life right now. And goals. This is the first semester I have no developed and written down/printed a list of goals for myself. I think it’s having an impact.

I think I will write these goals out tomorrow.

I want to be a thinker. Maybe my classes are not stimulating enough. I should journal about my philosophy classes. I’m reading Kant’s A Grounding for the Metaphysics of Morals right now… just finished Hume’s Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Morals and Frued’s Civilization and its Discontents. I would love to journal as I read, but I just haven’t the time. I cannot devote hours upon hours of intellectual thought to a single subject. School requires too much from you.

Passion. I have always believed passion is what is most natural and instinctual. We tame and discipline these instincts as we get older and responsibilities grab hold. We trap them and smother them and funnel them into unnatural outlets. I would love for those passions to run free again. I can’t even remember what opens them up. I know philosophy does wonders… I know writing moves me.

I would like to develop my writing skills. I think my writing needs much work. It’s weird that I am communicating and criticizing my writing through the written word. (Or typed word… I wonder if there is a difference? I know written is more thoughtful… cause its so much slower… but its crisper and cleaner and tighter… but I often lose myself when trying to articulate large issues because of this). How to become a better writer? I’ve noticed over the years I’ve developed I voice. This written voice has a personality that is distinct from my own. I wonder how effective it is?

*******************

I had a geology exam today. We’ll see how i did… felt good but who knows.

I have a Macro exam on friday… with Buckles. He manages to maintain the reputation as the most challenging teacher campus wide. No other professor in any other subject is so reputable. Is he good? I suppose that is debatable. He is challenging though.

*****************

I want depth in my life. How can this be achieved? More contemplation? More exactness in my goals?

WOW. I just realized I don’t have any personal goals for myself. I mean… no daily things I can work on to become a better person. What new habits am I developing daily? I can’t see any. This is disturbing.

I’m hungry… It’s 1:51am.

I think I’ll try to go to bed.

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