ram.ble. I really want the typical raptures of college to subside. There is necessity beyond the binge sleep deprived groggy weekends. I can seek true fulfillment in my studies. I have two options before me all the time. I can indulge with the mindless masses. I can be one of them, never questioning the utility of participating in the often envied mob behaviors. Or I can stow away in the quiet corners, with my nose in books and my mind in the clouds, and absorb understanding that will provide me with strength to endure future challenges. No, socializing is great. Good times. But I really believe I’m meant to be in college for another reason. College was a real disappointment when I arrived. No one shared the same interest in personal growth and intellectual refinement. The majority of people still viewed it as a chore. They putted along the path that was already laid out before them. They never questioned nor veered from its course. Like animals being driven to greener pastures, only to find that these paths lead to a cliff’s edge… nay, a slaughterhouse. Not really… just felt like throwing that in there. I came to college full of vigor and hope that intellectual pursuit was mutually shared… that students shared and exchanged deep intellectual meditations. Colleges were august sanctuaries for those seeking pleasure in a world beyond temporary material satisfactions. Perhaps materialism is a unifying element. Perhaps too much is lost in the translation of ideas that spread satisfying pleasure. Materialism, in whatever effects you wish, is more universal and relatable. It transcends ideas.
There is nothing I despise more in myself then acting without thinking. Much more than acting without thinking, it is accepting the status quo as a modus operandi. Culture. It’s like the Jones kool aid. People mindlessly drink it down. They ingest the commercials, the advertisements, the shows, the celebrities, the politicians, the figureheads. The more people gather in a group, the less individualism there is among those people. I want to shake people and ask them why they do what they do. WHY do you dress like that? Why do you drink so heavily? Why do you listen to this music? I mean… really really why? Culture tells us how we should feel about certain things. We willfully accept that we have no choice in the matter. Who has heard this rebellion? I suppose it’s impossible to be an individual nowadays.
Humans are pattern seekers. We yearn for consistency and uniformity in order to achieve familiarity with our world. Its only natural we take on the behaviors of the masses. You cannot have a society without a collection of individuals, yet how much does one person, however spectacular and gifted, really change society? Society is like a charging locomotive. Will one piece of coal, however hotter it may burn, really change the course of the whole?
I’m writing a paper on education and maturity. I need to synthesize the writings of two philosophers. Either Descartes, Rousseau, Freud, or Nietzsche.
This weekend was Halloween. I told myself I was to stay in on Friday and Saturday. That didn’t work. I wanted to pick up extra hours at work this weekend…I didn’t go in on Saturday but went on Sunday. Friday night I drank far too much for my own good. I did bring a girl back with me both nights. I typically avoid this type of behavior- a clear indicator that I’m not where I want to be. I know this girl and we’ve been talking for a good while. I convinced myself for the weekend that I wanted something more from her. Now I realize that may not be the case. Also- she’s not on birth control and, after this weekend, I’m concerned that I might have another ill mikey running around. The idea is scary… I haven’t mentioned my concern because I’m hoping it’s just me being paranoid. I’ll think more on this later. I have an exam on Tuesday, two exams on Wednesday, and a paper due tomorrow and Friday. I will have no life this week.
Nashville!
William Dare 
I hate all the things you explained, but I feel like I fall into the same traps all the time. I want to learn and understand and be enriched by my studies, but I feel like I go to class and nobody else feels that way so I get caught up in not feeling that way either. Everybody just complains about going to class, doing work, reading, papers, learning, like it is all such a waste of time and nobody wants to make any progress. It’s hard for me to get around to doing things, but once I get into it I enjoy it. It really irks me when I am sitting in a lecture and everybody is talking, texting, on facebook, sleeping, they sigh out of boredom, and leave class early. Yet I know I do the same exact things sometimes. I don’t know, sorry this comment is a fucking novel I can just really relate to it.
no worries-i always like what you have to say. its comforting that others can relate.
I was just browsing through semi-recent entries and saw this picture. I was born in Nashville, but I don’t remember it at all. I only know that my parents loved it there. I’d really like to go back before I leave for college, to see where I’m “from.” It looks beautiful. 🙂