rong.

I’ve never had a problem with feelings. It’s typically the lack of dealings that I struggle with. Its upsetting when you crave strong feelings and the only word you can come up with describing your state of being is ‘indifferent’. Thats not too polarizing. It doesn’t really offer much of a platform for thought and motivation.

The day is beautiful. The trees are mottled with varying shades of yellow and red and orange. I saw the doctor at 8am this morning. He wants to put me on vyvanse. I took a drug test last week…but the test results will be in later today. This was the only appointment I could schedule with him. Unless of course i test positive for something…which would be sorta shocking… although I did smoke a lil reefer like three weeks ago. I should be in the clear tho. No amphetamines or anything of that sort.

I need some emotional anchors. What am i living for? hm… school is a tool. I should treat it as one. There shouldn’t me my time and their time… rest time and school time. It should be a singular experience.

I need to practice self control and belief. I should study longer and harder. I need a perspective or context in which to frame all the information I study though.

I remember a while back I had it all so figured out… i assessed my strengths… came up with reasonable goals based on those strengths… from there everything was easy. I work well with people, I’m fairly articulate. business consulting seemed to be right for me. choosing to study business and psychology seemed the natural choice. and everything i learned seemed to find a place within me. now I’ve gotten a little more existentialistic. i am removed from goals… i am preoccupied with self and being and i question the legitimacy of having a purpose. I was driven to fulfill this purpose when I had reasons and believed it was fate. now I see it as a construct of the mind… purely fabricated and illusory. I should recognize the utility of these illusions… they serve a purpose and are quite effective… more effective than my current state of skepticism. I suppose I should reexamine what I believe. I can’t go on accepting that nothing is really knowable, that all is a purely subjective perspective, and that nothing really, in the end, matters. I need to develop the idea that absolute truth does indeed exist. somehow i need to wrap my mind around the significance of seeking this absolute truth without throwing myself in absolute doubt when an initial premise or two is wrong.