So I visited my psychiatrist yesterday. The drug test wasn’t in. This means one of two things. Either a) The drug testing is taking a little longer than expected, or b)I tested positive for something, probably mj. I don’t know whether to be too worried. As much as I could care less if I was medicated, I notice myself constantly looking forward to getting that prescription and getting things done more efficiently.
More importantly. I told my doctor about my existential crisis. I explained my transition from a godly upbringing and accepting a life where god was at the center of everything, to a life of skepticism and existentialism where I am at the center of everything.
My doctor was unusually matter of fact about it. What stuck out in my mind was his initial response: ‘Well we know god does exist.’ Whoa. This was coming from an… atheist? I was trying to wrap my head around this one. He followed it up by saying “God exists as much as music exist.”
whoa again. what the hell does that mean.
He made it sound like it was something obvious. Apparently, according to him, we create god, just like we create music. It follows from some sort of logic, however fallacious, and is communicated with people universally. What I couldn’t reconcile with the parallel was the diversity of music.Does he mean the essence of music is comparable to god? I mean, music may be different to different people, but at the core there is a universally held notion that music exists, despite how it is manifested and the utility behind its creation. (also I was thinking the other day… music is the only art that happens. You cannot experience music in a moment. It is a sequence of moments that culminate into art. More on that later)
So music. The thing is, while there is a universal understanding (accept it as real or not, everyone has a conception of what (a) god is) of a higher power, like the universal understanding of music (vibrations that form some sort of rhythm), music manifests in a multitude of ways. does this mean there is a multitude of gods? Doesn’t that taint the conception of a perfect truth. Being raised in a monotheistic society, I suppose my mind cannot fully appreciate this sort of pantheism.
Anyway… my doctor even recommended pastoral counseling. I was a little shocked. I mean… I would never reject help, but I’ve definitely been through those routines time and time again and it hasn’t shed any light on the dilemmas impeding personal growth.
A revelation, or the beginning of one, began to emerge throughout our conversation.
God was necessary. Existentialism is not good. Faith is important. Blind faith, even ignorance, can be vitally important for ones happiness.
He told me to stop looking for answers and begin asking questions. I was like… wtf dude. Thats how I got to where I am today. I began to challenge and undermine my antiquated beliefs. Now I have no up or down, the earth has unhinged from the sun, and I’m falling upwards towards oblivion.
But God seems to be a construction of the mind that exists in everyone, and is necessary. God is real. He exists in people. Doesn’t that make him just as real as other idea?
But I want to know where this idea of God stems from. I understand a large part of my erudition, logic, and rational is derived from the world around me. The natural world is ordered, and observing these ordered actions and reactions has sharpened my intellect and established understanding. Emotional experiences are not governed by rational principles. They are carnal and instinctual impulses.
Where does this conception of god arise? From our lack of understanding? When we fail to comprehend the order in this world, or pathos that arise from trauma, do we manifest an ideal that assuages our confusion and provides solace? Do we name this collection of ideals, usually perfect, God?
Still confused.
I’m reading Kant though and, while he doesn’t offer up a solution to these problems, I appreciate his methodology for arriving at right action. He formulates and proposes the categorical imperative procedure where we develop maxims based on the contingencies we encounter through life. These maxims serve as principles for righteous living and a platform for action.
There’s more to it than that, but basically it’s a way for us to be our own god, yet not infringe upon the dignity of others.
William Dare 
my fluid faith
I wish we were still back at Landmark so we could have a very long, drawn out conversation about this. You probably know where I historically stand on the whole god issue, but in case you do not, I have been a devout Atheist for several years now. Over the past few years though, I have come to accept my view of the world as faith all its’ own. I have faith in what I believe. I have faith in the energy that propels us all forward, and that connects us all to one another. I also have faith that no matter now mind-boggling the universe may seem, we’re smart enough to figure out how it all works, piece by piece. What it all means is up to us.
When it comes down to it, everyone needs faith. It’s sad our culture defines faith so narrowly; my life would have been much more fulfilling had I been able to accept myself both as a secular humanist and a deeply spiritual person from a much earlier stage. These are not black and white lines, and I am finding more and more all the time that they fit very well together.
Finally I am learning to pull from the traditions of various faiths. Labyrinth walks to reflect on those I have lost. Sometimes we need more than just a funeral to let go; healing takes so much time, and those who have passed deserve the recognition of their gifts. I meditate all the time, and sometimes I catch myself praying just to pray because it’s one of those things in life that really does bring comfort. I’m finding that more than ever before I am connecting to people and finding answers. This Sunday, I am going to church for the fist time in years and I couldn’t be more excited.
I feel so open to new horizons now that I have finally come to this special point in my life where my faith in energy, love and all things scientific have come to a crossroads with the part of me that just needs tradition and ritual. It is so obvious to me now that faith should be fluid and flexible. My values have never changed, but my perspective and knowledge have, and so with it, my faith.
I love reading about the evolution of your beliefs, Mike. Please keep writing about it.