Its 221am. I was sitting here the past few hours thinking about how I need to update my journal. Semester 1 is over. 5 more to go- and I’m excited.
I was thinking how I need to journal more. I was also thinking that my mind has flat-lined. Not too much to think about or reflect on. The past week I have been vegetating, quite literally. Sleeping 15 hours a day and waking around dusk to lounge around or go out to the wee hours of the morn, indulging in bacchanal mischief. This is the mode I contract when I come home. Not sure why this is the case. I always tell myself great things I’ll do- read several books for pleasure, workout like a maniac, continue writing my book… But when I enter through the door of my house, all my ambition flutters away and I’m left feeling completely listless and apathetic. Dunno why. I mean… wait… nope. dunno.
So i was pretty upset that I didn’t have anything at all to write about… so I was fumbling around on facebook and lookin through photos and stumbled on one of my “ex’s”. A surge of perverted feelings ran over me. First, and she’d kill me if she heard me say this, I never considered her a girlfriend. More like a comforting fuck buddy. She was needy for some love, and so was I. Not much else too it. I went for over two years without a girlfriend, hooking up with random girls along the way. i needed intimacy, no matter how shallow. And the truth is, I wanna care, I wanna give my feelings and heart, but its near impossible. I don’t think I am ready at this point in my life.
My ex girlfriends aid as a poignant reminder of these perverse feelings. When I am with them, I look at them as temporary artifices in my life. They come and go, and if you put too much in, they take too much when they leave. So I stay cool and stolid and emotionally reserved, acting on passions derived from sexual urges when the women demand it. Otherwise I am an empty vessel and they are emotionally needy women.
Anyway… so I transferred schools and my ex stayed in bfe. The people around her are, in my opinion, and my opinion is extremely critical, degenerates. She was real broken up when I left, endlessly crying and calling and doing her all to stay in touch and kindle the romance and intimacy… and I…I expected it to end from day one. As a result, I was fully insulated from feeling any tenderness of the heart. No voids here. Wam bam thankyou maam.
I admit this is absolutely horrible and I will say that I don’t hold this perspective all the time. At the moment I’m feeling pretty unaffected.
So ex girlfriends. I am actually repulsed by the vast majority of them. What repulses me most are the types of guys they go after. You’d think that as an ex I’d get jealous, but just the opposite happens. I think to myself “I thought these girls had better taste/standards”. And you know, that’s really harsh on the guys. I’m sure they’re all great and stuff… but I look at them and go… ‘those dudes are losers not goin anywhere.’ And then I look at my exgirlfriend and think ‘and I dated a girl who is ok with that?’. and then I feel repulsed and never want to associate with them again.
Of course, they think i’m a huge asshole. or insensitive. which is, probably, true.
I also can’t stand thinking about some nasty new boyfriend fuckin that same girl. I, obviously, consider myself a fine specimen, especially so in bed. And these guys? psh. makes me a tad ill inside.
In the back of my mind, whenever I break up with a girl, I tell myself “That girl was great. Real great. Maybe down the road I’ll realize how great she was and we could have a future together.” But after seeing them with a new dude… 95% of the time whom i consider a huge step down, I just wanna vomit and sanitize my genitals.
Anyway…point being is- fml.
i need shit to do. Tomorrow… beach day. My sleep schedule is FUDGED. and my bank account: PURGED. broke as a joke. Christmas is great, but we may as well save our money and splurge on ourselves once a year. I got an IPhone. (<-not sure if I should put an exclamation or not).
Gosh… lots more to say but shoot… its 251am. night.
William Dare 
1) It’s nice to hear a guy’s perspective on break ups, but I’m disappointed yours doesn’t hold any secret information I’ve always wanted to know. Obvious assessment of new gf is always: upgrade or downgrade? (looks, or much more importantly otherwise) If it’s a downgrade then any feelings I had for them still are immediately dispelled.
2) I can’t stand people who stay behind in my hometown doing nothing. Graduated three years ago and they’re still doing the same damn thing we did in high school? Get a fucking life. I know I sound like a snotty, judgmental bitch (and I am, 5/7 days of the week) but stop wasting your life! You only have one!
3) iPhone most certainly warrants an exclamation point.
This was an interesting post. Maybe you should reserve your judgment on these guys just a little (I have a feeling I know of at least one of them). Whether or not these guys are complete jackasses, we don’t know where they are going in life; they may go far.
Mike, the girls you date have to move on after they date you. Most guys will never be as introspective or driven to succeed; BUT there are a lot of guys out there who are very willing to commit and open themselves up to their partners. You may be superior to other guys in many ways, but at the end of the day, as long as you are not sharing of yourself emotionally, these girls are going to find partners who fulfill their needs on a much deeper level. There is nothing wrong with not opening yourself up to vulnerability in relationships at this point; only you know what is best.
Just don’t be so quick to judge the relationships these girls enter after you’re gone. After all, these are people YOU dated- they are probably pretty smart, and gaining important interpersonal relationship skills from each relationship they enter. Maybe no, maybe so. Let’s just hope so.
hi friend. so happy to always be reading your journal but obviously this entry is of particular interest to the female species.
personally, i was with a guy from july 08-september 09, off and on, and it was by far the longest and most strenuous thing of my life. but somehow girls don’t mind the arguments and the open acknowledgment of “hey, this isn’t my life partner, it’s just some person i like to fuck”…they still allow themselves to fall in love.
i also want to vomit and sanitize my genitals after seeing the girls with whom he (or any other guy i’ve cared about, for that matter) surrounds himself. it’s funny that you say you are repulsed by the types of guys they go after. i too get repulsed by the girls my past men go after…but then again, they went after us, didn’t they? what does that say about us? it is a funny thing that we hold ourselves up on this pedestal even after realizing our own faults.
so i agree with the girl who commented before me…you can’t hold the exes or their current beaus in too low an esteem because you are the one without the emotional attachment. at the end of the day, almost all women are looking to fall in love and find their hubby. end of story. if you can’t provide that, then they are just trying to find someone who will…no matter how unfortunate his looks or life goals are.
Sorry I haven’t commented! I think you guys are awesome. Don’t take this perspective too seriously. Most of these entries are simply snapshots of temporary emotional states. Feelings are temporary and I’ve learned long ago that you cannot live by convictions rooted in fleeting feelings. I love people, and i genuinely want the best for everyone. I will swallow any amount of pride or feelings as collateral for someone else achieving happiness, or whatever their imaginative fantasy’s may be.