quandary

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering. ~St. Augustine

I need problems in my life. I mustn’t think that I’ve got it figured out, or that my current path or methods are best. I need to recognize dilemmas and confront problems that don’t seem so obvious.

I realized that, when I am happy, I become content. Not that I cannot become content with certain pursuits, but it seems that my zest for certain pursuits begins to dwindle when happiness and contentment come over me.

Girlfriends really are draining. I often think that I will be single for the rest of my life. In my mind there is a women that is without maintenance, without upkeep. She doesn’t rely on my efforts to make her happy, nor does she seek them out.

My life recently…

I’ve had this girlfriend for some time now…. a couple months. Early on I perceived some emotional baggage, potential issues that may pose as problems later on in the relationship, but I overlooked them with an optimistic eye. I had hoped that these issues would soon allay as our bonds deepened for one another. I’m not sure that happened and I’m sorta done with exercising patience. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness. If I make you sad because you expected differently from me, because I didn’t make you happy, or I failed to cuddle, or I lacked affection a few nights in a row, then I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with you. Too much pressure. I’m in the opinion that my happiness comes from within, despite circumstances, despite the emotional investment.

The bottom line is that I really don’t want to be with this person. Primarily because I am not attracted to who this person thinks she is. I am attracted to someone else… someone she could be. Unfortunately she doesn’t see that person, and I don’t have the patience for it. Her critical attitude, complaining and low self esteem do not bring me up, nor do they make her any more attractive to me. Instead, they reaffirm negative perceptions and draw criticism into my thoughts. I don’t want to spend time with someone who isn’t capable of seeing the best in the world, in others, or in themselves.

I recognize that this comes off as hypocritical. I should see the best in her, and I do, but her attitude has an insidious grip on my state of being, on my mood. It saps my energy and doesn’t leave me in a better place. I’d much rather devote my time and energy to someone who is earnestly searching for the best in themselves and outside themselves. Maybe I’m suppose to lead this girl there… but I just haven’t the patience.

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Work is good… and when I say good, I mean monotonous and boring. However, it allows me to cognize and discuss thoughts with my fellow interns. I always have something on my mind.

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I’ve been reading a great deal about the negative impact on computers and the internet and the positive impacts of books recently.

I need chaos in my life. Homeostasis must NEVER be reached. I must always throw off the balance, perceived or real, and approach life as a crisis to be solved. Only in this way does life become meaningful and challenging. What life is there for me at the moment? Working, interning, cultivating future aspirations and networking ties. I am bleeding my critical thinking and creative insights dry on a daily basis. There is no intellectual stimulation within my routine.

The occasional news article, or chapter from a book, but nothing substantial to dwell on. No problems that need solving. I should learn economics more fully. I should read Bertrand Russell and William James, and master logic and prose and poetry and painting. Why don’t I?

I don’t want a girlfriend. This girl has sapped my attention, my free time, or what little free time I’ve had. And for what? Emotional pleasure? Ephemeral gratification? I would like my energy expenditures to be more rewarding. What is a relationship that yields pleasure, but no great intellectual, or emotional, insights? Where is her curiosity? Ugh. I’m done with it. I’ve decided now, in this moment.

I need to journal more. I’ve had little time to myself, and I should have all the time in the world. Summer is the occasion for personal development, for the cultivation of internal growth. Working out, getting fit, is wonderful and all, but the mind must find similar attention and stimulation.

I’ve been frustrated recently. I should journal out all these thoughts, all the daily occurrences. I will… everyday. Starting today. Night.