My eyes are closed.
I have a sleeping problem. No, it isn’t that I can’t fall asleep. It’s that i don’t want to go to sleep. or rather, i have no desire to sleep, no desire to stop the stimulation, to end that fantastical readings or musing or conversations
i am sick. mentally sick. I have no desire. desire has left me. time
time is all we have
we make sense of life through time. Time is order. without time, there is no order. All things go to disorder in time.
I have not gone to class since I got back from thanksgiving break. I’m broke. I’m not depressed, just numb. numb enough to kill myself, but not numb enough to where I want to die. I have not been able to accomplish any work recently. my thoughts are fragmented, short, terse. I am feeling unhealthy. My meals are infrequent, and quickly assembled. I don’t necessarily feel good about myself. I dont exactly have confidence atiehre. I am broke, did I mention that? i am completely irresponsible. Completely. I’m owning up to it. About the only thing I’ve eben able to do is go to work, make it to a few appointments and indulge in freindly past times that include going to the mall, playing guitar, and surfing the net. I spent over twelve hours configuring web site data. Why? it didn’t do anything. i just was curious.
Speaking of curisoity I downloaded linux as my operating system. its running alright. Still have some things to work out but all in all its functioning quite well. Although I can’t say better than windows, but then again, i had used windows for roughly my whole damn life so I expect a certain depress of forgiveness and attachment. No matter. I will grow fond of linux and use it to improve my web experience.
oh life. I don’t like life. I LOVE life, but not the life that the public speaks of. The life I love is inside me, but no one seems to appreciate the internal life. They would rather have something tangible, measurable, someting that excites or sensualoizes or is measurable. I hate life. I hate the life that people dictate to one another, the socil life as they call it. I’m not sure when I become so maladjusted to society. I use to be a huge fan. A little knowledge is a danegerous thing they say, and I suppose that I’ve just learned too much, thought too much for my own good.
OR I could be making excuses for myself. A sad excuse for my complete failures as a student the past semester, my failiures as a responsible son, as a future employee and current job seeker, as something who is taking care of their health.
The bar was The